Venting, Ranting and Bitching vs. Don't Tell That to Your Mama

[freesolo123]

i got actively judged in an NA meeting and its really upset me.

it was a new one i've been specifically recommended cos its supposed to be more professionals like myself who fucked up rather than people who are addicts cos their upbringing was chaotic. anyway i always introduce myself to a new group explain i've been on the gear for 5 years and have a crack habit of upwards of ?500 per day.

at the end you do this serenity prayer thing its a bit cringe but hey and you're supposed to hug the people around you and the woman next to me actively wouldn't hug me. she's only on her step 2 so she's not so high and fucking mighty.

its the one place you're supposed to be able to admit what you are and not be treated like the abhorrent disgusting pitiful creature you are and it still happened.

its not like she had her wallet in her pocket what the fuck was i gonna do? was she gonna catch a gear habit? argh ffs.

Not trying to be a dick but you say you went to a meeting that was for "professionals" and not "addicts cos their upbringing was chaotic" that right there is a massive judgement,

 

[Jabberwocky]

^ there's no 'for' in my post. anyone can attend.

my description is basically verbatim from my drugs counsellor. its just coincidentally (or not, you'd guess from the location) that more people who've had professional lives go than go to other NA meetings in my area- and most of the addicts i personally have met, including at NA, have not done that, and got into trouble as teens. if i'm to find someone with common ground to get a sponsor then its probably important.

 

[freesolo123]

People get addicted to drugs for a million different reasons and I am just trying to point out that because someone used drugs to cope with a abusive parent or partner makes there asddiction no better or worse than someone who uses because the stress of their 500k a year job, we a all trying to mask a part of the world that we don't feel able to deal with sober.

 

[user name1]

its hard finding words to describe my pain.
i don't even understand it completely.
i know it has always been there,
growing silently inside of me.

this pain became the center of my existence -
always present, controlling my every move or thought.
this pain is becoming me.
one day there will be only pain -
the day i will cease to exist.

my mind is already polluted with its toxic,
body is not far behind.

there's no comforting me,
not words nor gestures will sooth it.

no more doctors,
no more fighting tanks with knives..

i'm surrendering.
it is what it is and that's all there is to it.

 

[Jabberwocky]

People get addicted to drugs for a million different reasons and I am just trying to point out that because someone used drugs to cope with a abusive parent or partner makes there asddiction no better or worse than someone who uses because the stress of their 500k a year job, we a all trying to mask a part of the world that we don't feel able to deal with sober.

nope. but in terms of looking for a sponsor.... i need someone who can identify with me. like how stressful having 2 mortgages is is not going to go down well with someone whose addiction lead them to homelessness (which paradoxically i am on the brink of) and i wouldn't feel comfortable talking about that, or the PhD i earned and dream job I pissed away. its not because i think i'm somehow better, i feel lower than low right now and almost wish i didn't have such a charmed life cos i've got no fucking excuse (actually a lot of trauma but hey). i dunno if that makes sense. anyway that group is mostly full of powered coke addicts, some of whom could delay having a line till after work, so not sure they'll identify with a crack whore anyway.

 

[zombiesarepeaceful]

My rant:

I've been on Wellbutrin for a week now. This is my second time trying it, I tried it last year in IR form and it gave me panic attacks so I stopped taking it. This time it's the SR form so dr figured it might be less panic inducing. This is true, however I'm starting to think that I don't want to be dependent on an antidepressant. I've rarely been addicted to anything and I also don't like the idea of an antidepressant interacting with other drugs or medications, which limits my ability to have a little fun and take something once in awhile which might interact with the antidepressant.

So Wellbutrin gave me chest pains for the first couple of days. It did that last time too, but this time I know it's "normal" as a side effect at least for me, so I kept taking it and tried to ignore the chest pains. They went away, but I'm still getting them sometimes. I feel slightly more motivated and less easily overwhelmed, but the depression is still there. I know I shouldn't expect a pill to solve my problem entirely. I still have the anxiety and it hasn't done anything for my ADHD yet either. My dr said it might help my ADHD but I think it's definitely not as effective as a stimulant.

Part of me wants to just give up on taking an antidepressant. I've never stayed on psych meds for a long period of time at all. The things I stayed on for the longest were stimulants for my ADHD, which is increasingly difficult to get a prescription for the older you get (I'm twenty eight) because drs know fuck all about adult ADHD and some refuse to believe that it's a legitimate thing. I know Wellbutrin could take weeks to obtain a full effect but I don't think I'm interested in staying on it. My depression is definitely a chemical imbalance because it doesn't matter what situation I'm in, I'm always depressed. But I don't want to get addicted to an antidepressant and then go through hell when I try to quit taking it. And since it's not helping my depression very much, why bother? I prefer meds that I can take only as needed. I think I'm gonna tell my dr at my next appointment that I give up and don't want to take meds right now unless she's going to put me back on Adderall which is one of the only things which was very effective for me in the past. (It helped to slow my racing thoughts and helped me think clearly and calmed me down, which helped my overall mental health a lot) Which I know she probably won't do. So I'll just quit seeing her and spiral into another episode of depression, and hopefully not quit going to work this time. Yup. It's wonderful.

I'm not reaching out for help to any of my friends because I don't want to lose all of my friends because of my bitching. I'm sick of my shit and I'd imagine that my friends (all two of them in real life) are growing sick of my shit, so I'll just keep my shit to myself before I lose anyone who gives a shit about me.

 

[JoeTheStoner]

quick rant on friggin tobacco. i managed to start smoking almost daily , at this point in life is pretty darn sad... social thing ok, but now i don't use any drugs so i for stress i'll just smoke *sigh very tough to quit...

 

[herbavore]

I want time travel to be real, dammit.

 

[JoeTheStoner]

I want time travel to be real, dammit.

do we have confirmation that like the laws of physics legit will allow time travel ? google tells me just fast forward tho, no rewind ?... lit either way.

i know the feeling tho, like the dude tossing football in napoleon dynamite...

 

[Tubbs]

quick rant on friggin tobacco. i managed to start smoking almost daily , at this point in life is pretty darn sad... social thing ok, but now i don't use any drugs so i for stress i'll just smoke *sigh very tough to quit...

Have you tried vaping? I used to smoke like 3 packs a day in my teens, quit a few years ago but still bought a pack every once in a while and smoked a couple, then gave the pack away. Now I just take a few drags off this ecig I bought, or use a pouch of snus.

 

[JoeTheStoner]

Have you tried vaping? I used to smoke like 3 packs a day in my teens, quit a few years ago but still bought a pack every once in a while and smoked a couple, then gave the pack away. Now I just take a few drags off this ecig I bought, or use a pouch of snus.

nah, never thought i would, but maybe =/

 

[Xorkoth]

do we have confirmation that like the laws of physics legit will allow time travel ? google tells me just fast forward tho, no rewind ?... lit either way.

i know the feeling tho, like the dude tossing football in napoleon dynamite...

If backtracking actually becomes possible, I think in a timeless instant reality will come undone. Because anything anyone ever does to modify the past will all become reality in the present, so changes will happen infinitely and instantly... all possible changes that anyone ever tries.

It would be awesome, though, if we could simply re-experience our pasts.

 

[ExperimentalQT]

thank you for starting this thread and thank you for everyones openness, it helped me with my situation by giving me some perspective and seeing the bigger picture.
luckily im finally done with my legal drama, after 7 years....im only 26. I got in trouble the same year i moved to America.
I am so damn lucky that this past year i have not had any legal issues...especially since i have a developed a new addiction. opiates...of course. I always said i would never get addicted to pills because theyre too expensive and i dont know where to find them. well as life went on, i found some and i started makin money. typically, after a few months i switched to heroine. the shitty part about is....i havent been high since the begining of the addiction....just chasin. i spent all my money and almost fucked my life up but thank god i didnt lose my job or get arrested. it was nothing like my first addiction to alcohol in which i was not able to FUNCTION like a real human whatso ever.
what sucks is getting off dope made me hurt so bad that i started craving alcohol again after two years. Im off all opiates now for three weeks but i still aint right...especially because ive been taking kratom...i still get minor withdrawal symptoms after it wears off. ( yawning, watery eyes, restlesslegs, fatigue, cold sweats/hot flashes) theyre managable but they suck. After coming off the shit i started drinking a little here and there. As an alcojolic i am telling you.....i didnt have a drink for 3 three years + and after one night was semi heavy drinking, the next morning i had full on withdrawals....anxiety through the ROOF and shaking...it felt terrible and i knew instantly the only way i could be responsible that day was to drink more.......what a contradicting statement.
well i am barely hanging on to my job...my boss told me the other day " I think youre on drugs" .....fuck
She is gone for two weeks so i am going to try to "sober up" im try non narcotics such as buspar, molexicam and baclofen, hydroxizine, tizandine to help with withdrawls, pain, and insomnia.
wish me luck

 

[Asclepius]

quick rant on friggin tobacco. i managed to start smoking almost daily , at this point in life is pretty darn sad... social thing ok, but now i don't use any drugs so i for stress i'll just smoke *sigh very tough to quit...

The one thing I'm struggling to kick. Really tough one - easy in theory but that is what makes it so difficult.

...for the will-power. [video]http://uk.businessinsider.com/type-a-personality-traits-smoking-marketing-2016-8?r=US&IR=T[/video]
I watched Gaslands the other day and I didn't smoke for an evening. lol

 

[JoeTheStoner]

The one thing I'm struggling to kick. Really tough one - easy in theory but that is what makes it so difficult.

...for the will-power. [video]http://uk.businessinsider.com/type-a-personality-traits-smoking-marketing-2016-8?r=US&IR=T[/video]
I watched Gaslands the other day and I didn't smoke for an evening. lol

thanks for the inspo, Asc.

 

[Specified]

I need fucking libido