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Venting, Ranting and Bitching vs. Don't Tell That to Your Mama

My ex just called... currently our deal had been that I pay to move all her possessions back to her ("why would it be MY responsibility and not yours", she asks 8)), and THEN she would sign the divorce papers and the paper to approve my mortgage refinance. So I went to a lawyer to get some paperwork drawn up and make sure I had all my Ts crossed and added a list of every one of her possessions and a clause that says I will pay for the moving. The lawyer is drawing it up and once he sends it I am going to tell her to sign and return the papers ASAP or I'm taking her to court. Anyway, she just called and said she has the mover lined up, but that she's coming with so she can make sure she gets everything that's hers. She asked me for a copy of the key so she could get in. I said I would be here, and she was like "wait, I thought you were still going to be out of town". I said nope, and I want to be there when you're in my house packing things up to take. She retorted with "well YOU'VE been there with all MY stuff alone this whole time". I told her she was lucky I didn't throw all her stuff out because I'm not running a free storage locker. Then she dropped it.

God damn it man, now it makes me think she was planning on kidnapping my cats, and/or taking some of my things. She thinks it's hugely unfair that I have them and not her. Nevermind that:

  • I have spent every cent on these expensive cats, she hasn't put a dime in. It costs $150 a month of prescription food to feed them. I've spent over $7000 on vet bills for my boy cat alone. I was in debt for years over it.
  • They have lived in my house almost their whole lives and they hate other cats and the house she lives in has another cat.
  • It's been 4 and a half years since they've seen her at all.
  • My boy cat has always been miserable when I'm not there, he's super attached to me and used to get really pissed at her to the point of hissing when I would go away and she would stay, when we were together and had lived together for many years already with the cats.
  • She fucking left me, not the other way around

I'm not SURE that was her plan but now I expect to have to tell her to fuck off and defend my cats and my life when she comes. Well, she's either going to sign the papers before she comes, or else I'm not going to pay for the mover and I'm going to take her to court. She's acting so entitled too, like I've been holding her stuff ransom. When in fact I've begged her to come get it for years and she just kept acting like I should hold it indefinitely. Fuck that bitch, seriously, I really hate her. I don't want to hate anyone. I've never hated anyone in my life and I really mean that. But the way she is fucking with me right now is bringing back all the terrible things she did to me while we were together and I can't fucking stand her and I can't believe she's STILL doing it and she's STILL trying to project it all onto me and make me the bad guy. When she abused and controlled me for 10 years and even threatened to kill me while we were together, I have PTSD over it I am realizing. I went to therapy to try to get past it after she left. I told my girlfriend a lot of really in-depth stuff that went down because she finally can see how crazy my ex is... she could hardly believe what she put me through, it horrified her.

I need to make sure to handle this shit better than I did recently because I ended up with a DUI due to drinking too much and blacking out after the last round of struggle we had. And now I'm not drinking. So... fuck, I can't wait until this is over and I never have to see her or hear from her or think about her ever again. It will be a great day...
 
Hey BL fam. Miss ya'll. Fuckin did the whole fast/prayer/sober thing and got my dream job.

Fuck man, today. I'm there. And for a few days I can tell a psychotic episode is coming, so I started going to mad AA meetings again. Fluffy pink loud and that weak ass rhetoric they face-fuck you with. So I'm 2 weeks sober, and like, my life is fucking perfect. Like yeah, I'm a starving artist type slaving for the mind control machine and I can dig it. Even stepped up starving myself and been vegetarian for like a month. Shit is perfect yo.

And then it comes. The tastes, the feeling in my teeth, the smiling...it's a fucking anxiety attack. My life is 100% go-full-on-no-time-to-stop and here comes an episode bitch.

But fuck...wtf is a guy supposed to do. My life is perfect, my team is perfect but the space between my ears. The fuckin noise, ya know. Like "duck and cover bitch...you gettin a beatin". Fuck man. Beat the shit out of my head at work today.

Said fuck sobriety. Fuck my friends. I'll go roll dice with some natty ice. Sipping on a six pack right now. Fuck. I get beatings for drinking. I get beatings for not drinking. I get beatings for going to AA. I get beatings for staying away. FUUUUUUUU. is all I have to say.

lol, my last relapse from the program was 4 tabs of acid at Eminem's Bonnaroo performance. ::sigh:: and now apparently I rhythm when I write.

for real. aging is a bitch. One day you're asking if you can shoot up vicodin. The next day the only way you can smile is by tellin people they can't shoot vicodin. Next thing you know your shirt is tucked in, socks pulled up, and you could blow your contract because ultra-perfect is being compromised and the only person who can save it is captain OCD sailing the yacht of sobriety....and the only one who can perceive ultra perfect is captain sobriety's boss Admiral Beatyoselfinthehead.

Fuck. ya know. pour some alcohol on it. that'll teach it a lesson.
 
Asclepius, you are right. I didn't realize I was posting in The Dark Side and I apologize to hidden_nurseaddict for going off.

She should have a safe place to post and I was wrong to try to deny her. It just brought up the memories of how much pain I was in because my nurse was taking my medicine. I'm glad my nurse was fired, but sorry that I would assume all nurses going through addiction would take their patients medication.

Next time I will pay closer attention to where I'm posting and what I say.
 
Asclepius said:
We are living in very perfectionistic, white-washed, right-wing times ( even the rebelion to this leads to left-wing reactionary activity that is trite and non-productive)- labeling, rationalisation and cynicism have drained so many in society of actual connectedness with what is real, or of their innate mental creativity to undermine the things that thwart opressive systems ( outside of acting online; many feel impotent). I find any of these socio-political undertones that affect/control peoples attitudes and perspectives, very disturbing - every generation experiences them, however it is only through subsequent generations that in retrospect some wise vantage is recognised - this is not good enough but everyone seems too jaded and brainwashed to challenge the order - unless it can be posted for some short-term narcissistic gain. I think it's intensely inappropriate that in 2018, we are more censored by insidious internalised social control than ever before. I guess its not surprising but I still find it barely tolerable to feel that this generation is being duped into submission and a type of stock-home syndrome through social-media and ubiquitous corporatism in it's 'progressive' guise - it's the 1950's again but pimped by tech.

Fuck that bullshit.
Click to expand...

Brilliant bro!

fuck the system
 
@ username 1

Definitely, mate.

Unfortunately we prop it up and contribute to it's dynamic. We got to change it.
 
@ chronicpain54

Like I said man; your post was totally justified. It's not a matter of me being right/wrong - I'm no authority on this by any measure.

Considering the context of BL - it is for all addicts. Obviously, it would be insane to dismiss ethical considerations - as in your case - and no reasonable person would ever dismiss that, man. You never deserve maltreatment by anyone, ever. You are totally justified and have every right (both ethically and legally) to persue any injustice, you encountered - we're behind you. ❤️

In saying that, we inhabit a dysfunctional system where people try and function (including the health system). If those struggle in it (be it professionals/patients/clients) and are concerned about their situation and seek support to change - we can't turn our backs as some are genuine in their struggle and want to change, under struggle of their conscience and to find the potential in themselves that they lost through the circumstances they found themselves in.

We in BL are not naieve to those who wish to harm others, intentionally for their own aggrandisement however, most want to fulfill a purpose in their lives and feel whole, accomplished and of worth, value and of purpose to themselves and others. This and these are the people, that BL works for.

Thanks for your mature response, CP...never apologise for yourself, mate.
 
My mom told me to commit suicide a couple days ago and she's done with my shit. Then she switched up again and said if she ever found me dead she would kill herself. Also keeps wanting me to end up back in the hospital (I was in the hospital for 15 days in (Jan/February). Then in April ended up in an ambulance again on april fools (from medication the hospital had me on).
 
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I look back and see so many of my old friends, those that have passed on and those that are still living in hell... none of us ever really had a chance... we all grew up in abusive homes, all ended up junkies... no one sees the pain, we've always been trash in thier eyes.
 
That's very sad bp,

My brother also just lost 2 of his friend he grew up with this year. Such a shame. And no one is trash, I pity the people that would view another human being in pain and struggling that way.

How are you today bp?

Here for you anytime,
your friend,
Ash.

QUOTE=bptubbs;14386207]I look back and see so many of my old friends, those that have passed on and those that are still living in hell... none of us ever really had a chance... we all grew up in abusive homes, all ended up junkies... no one sees the pain, we've always been trash in thier eyes.[/QUOTE]
 
Full of sadness... I'm the only one that's walked away from that life, although I think of going back daily...
 
That is terribly sad, but I'm happy you are not still in the thick of it.

Hugs,
your friend,
Ash.
bptubbs said:
Full of sadness... I'm the only one that's walked away from that life, although I think of going back daily...
Click to expand...
 
bptubbs said:
Full of sadness... I'm the only one that's walked away from that life, although I think of going back daily...
Click to expand...

You are a survivor, bp. It gets lonely sometimes. But do remember this--you have a lot of folks on here that genuinely care about, more and more the more they get to know you--so stay strong. I think about doing all sorts of things to make myself feel better in the short term--maybe not drugs but just time wasting shit that just kicks my own personal can down the road and is unhealthy in the long-run. But at night, when I can give myself a little pat on the back for not doing the unhealthy thing, then I try to stretch that little feel-good moment out as far as I can. Because we are used to shaming and berating and undermining ourselves but we are total novices at patting ourselves on the back and building ourselves up, not in a vain way, but in a genuine way that you would do for a friend.<3
 
Thanks herby, and thanks Ash, that makes me feel a bit better...

I actually ran into my old dealer after work last night, he got clean and has his son back, put a genuine smile on my face for the first time in months.
 
having a moment letting your words sink in, herbavore. you always on time with it.

everyday struggle tubbs.
 
Xorkoth said:
My ex just called... currently our deal had been that I pay to move all her possessions back to her ("why would it be MY responsibility and not yours", she asks 8)), and THEN she would sign the divorce papers and the paper to approve my mortgage refinance. So I went to a lawyer to get some paperwork drawn up and make sure I had all my Ts crossed and added a list of every one of her possessions and a clause that says I will pay for the moving. The lawyer is drawing it up and once he sends it I am going to tell her to sign and return the papers ASAP or I'm taking her to court. Anyway, she just called and said she has the mover lined up, but that she's coming with so she can make sure she gets everything that's hers. She asked me for a copy of the key so she could get in. I said I would be here, and she was like "wait, I thought you were still going to be out of town". I said nope, and I want to be there when you're in my house packing things up to take. She retorted with "well YOU'VE been there with all MY stuff alone this whole time". I told her she was lucky I didn't throw all her stuff out because I'm not running a free storage locker. Then she dropped it.

God damn it man, now it makes me think she was planning on kidnapping my cats, and/or taking some of my things. She thinks it's hugely unfair that I have them and not her. Nevermind that:

  • I have spent every cent on these expensive cats, she hasn't put a dime in. It costs $150 a month of prescription food to feed them. I've spent over $7000 on vet bills for my boy cat alone. I was in debt for years over it.
  • They have lived in my house almost their whole lives and they hate other cats and the house she lives in has another cat.
  • It's been 4 and a half years since they've seen her at all.
  • My boy cat has always been miserable when I'm not there, he's super attached to me and used to get really pissed at her to the point of hissing when I would go away and she would stay, when we were together and had lived together for many years already with the cats.
  • She fucking left me, not the other way around

I'm not SURE that was her plan but now I expect to have to tell her to fuck off and defend my cats and my life when she comes. Well, she's either going to sign the papers before she comes, or else I'm not going to pay for the mover and I'm going to take her to court. She's acting so entitled too, like I've been holding her stuff ransom. When in fact I've begged her to come get it for years and she just kept acting like I should hold it indefinitely. Fuck that bitch, seriously, I really hate her. I don't want to hate anyone. I've never hated anyone in my life and I really mean that. But the way she is fucking with me right now is bringing back all the terrible things she did to me while we were together and I can't fucking stand her and I can't believe she's STILL doing it and she's STILL trying to project it all onto me and make me the bad guy. When she abused and controlled me for 10 years and even threatened to kill me while we were together, I have PTSD over it I am realizing. I went to therapy to try to get past it after she left. I told my girlfriend a lot of really in-depth stuff that went down because she finally can see how crazy my ex is... she could hardly believe what she put me through, it horrified her.

I need to make sure to handle this shit better than I did recently because I ended up with a DUI due to drinking too much and blacking out after the last round of struggle we had. And now I'm not drinking. So... fuck, I can't wait until this is over and I never have to see her or hear from her or think about her ever again. It will be a great day...
Click to expand...

Would you mind giving us an update? Just curious to how it went down when your wife/ex showed up. Either way I'm sorry your going through this and hope it gets worked out in a way that works for you.
 
Oh I'm glad you're feeling a little better bp. That makes me happy.

Great to hear that story about your old dealer, his life will be a lot less chaotic now, and he will have some good memories with his son he otherwise wouldn't have. Win win for both.

I hope you have a good day my friend,
here if you need anything,
your friend,
Ash.
bptubbs said:
Thanks herby, and thanks Ash, that makes me feel a bit better...

I actually ran into my old dealer after work last night, he got clean and has his son back, put a genuine smile on my face for the first time in months.
Click to expand...
 
mtop2036 said:
Would you mind giving us an update? Just curious to how it went down when your wife/ex showed up. Either way I'm sorry your going through this and hope it gets worked out in a way that works for you.
Click to expand...

She came with her mom. They had a hare-brained plan to rent a van rather than a moving truck, rent a storage unit in town, move all the stuff (3 van fulls) to the storage unit and then go back and forth 700 miles each direction to get all the stuff back home, rather than just rent a U-Haul. I had most of her stuff in boxes already, but when they got here they told me that they had to unpack everything and sort it and repack it, at my house. They spent 3 days in a row, 9 hours a day, at my house, to pack up a closet full of stuff and some furniture, the slowest moving humans I've ever seen. It was really frustrating, they were making little digs at me the whole time (and I wouldn't leave the house because I didn't trust them there alone so I just had to deal with it the whole time). Kept asking me to make her a house key which I refused. It was quite tense. She said she would sign the papers after they got everything, and at the end of the third day, she said they needed one more day. So a chunk of her stuff was still here, and she just didn't show up again, no papers signed, left the rest of her stuff here. I asked when she'd be back and she said "none of your business, I'll be back when I'm back". I told her I was moving her remaining stuff to under the carport if she wants it, and keeping the house locked while I'm gone. Then I served her with divorce papers. Now she's claiming she can't find 2 pieces of diamond jewelry and I owe them to her, and that she doesn't want a no-fault divorce anymore, she wants equitable distribution of property and assets. :| So basically she played me the whole time and it looks like I have to go to court and she'll certainly end up with something. I'm just hoping I can keep my house and she doesn't get to raid my retirement account. Also hoping they don't award one of the cats to her because that would be fucked up for them (and me). I've been reading about the divorce court process and it's making me really nervous. Also it can take a long time, and I won't be able to refinance my mortgage and fix my roof and stuff until it's resolved because she's unwilling to approve the loan. Also my girlfriend is supposed to move in in September, she won't have another place to live after that, and it might be a bad idea if we're in the middle of divorce, although at the same time, I don't know how anyone would know if I don't volunteer that information. I don't think she even knows I have a girlfriend.

So, it's a clusterfuck... I should have known.
 
Oh man X,

I sincerely hope things get settled sooner rather than later, sounds like she likes to play games though and it was her plan all along. How stressful. Sorry you're going through that.

Here if you need anything,
your friend,
Ash.

Xorkoth said:
She came with her mom. They had a hare-brained plan to rent a van rather than a moving truck, rent a storage unit in town, move all the stuff (3 van fulls) to the storage unit and then go back and forth 700 miles each direction to get all the stuff back home, rather than just rent a U-Haul. I had most of her stuff in boxes already, but when they got here they told me that they had to unpack everything and sort it and repack it, at my house. They spent 3 days in a row, 9 hours a day, at my house, to pack up a closet full of stuff and some furniture, the slowest moving humans I've ever seen. It was really frustrating, they were making little digs at me the whole time (and I wouldn't leave the house because I didn't trust them there alone so I just had to deal with it the whole time). Kept asking me to make her a house key which I refused. It was quite tense. She said she would sign the papers after they got everything, and at the end of the third day, she said they needed one more day. So a chunk of her stuff was still here, and she just didn't show up again, no papers signed, left the rest of her stuff here. I asked when she'd be back and she said "none of your business, I'll be back when I'm back". I told her I was moving her remaining stuff to under the carport if she wants it, and keeping the house locked while I'm gone. Then I served her with divorce papers. Now she's claiming she can't find 2 pieces of diamond jewelry and I owe them to her, and that she doesn't want a no-fault divorce anymore, she wants equitable distribution of property and assets. :| So basically she played me the whole time and it looks like I have to go to court and she'll certainly end up with something. I'm just hoping I can keep my house and she doesn't get to raid my retirement account. Also hoping they don't award one of the cats to her because that would be fucked up for them (and me). I've been reading about the divorce court process and it's making me really nervous. Also it can take a long time, and I won't be able to refinance my mortgage and fix my roof and stuff until it's resolved because she's unwilling to approve the loan. Also my girlfriend is supposed to move in in September, she won't have another place to live after that, and it might be a bad idea if we're in the middle of divorce, although at the same time, I don't know how anyone would know if I don't volunteer that information. I don't think she even knows I have a girlfriend.

So, it's a clusterfuck... I should have known.
Click to expand...
 
i got actively judged in an NA meeting and its really upset me.

it was a new one i've been specifically recommended cos its supposed to be more professionals like myself who fucked up rather than people who are addicts cos their upbringing was chaotic. anyway i always introduce myself to a new group explain i've been on the gear for 5 years and have a crack habit of upwards of ?500 per day.

at the end you do this serenity prayer thing its a bit cringe but hey and you're supposed to hug the people around you and the woman next to me actively wouldn't hug me. she's only on her step 2 so she's not so high and fucking mighty.

its the one place you're supposed to be able to admit what you are and not be treated like the abhorrent disgusting pitiful creature you are and it still happened.

its not like she had her wallet in her pocket what the fuck was i gonna do? was she gonna catch a gear habit? argh ffs.
 
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