I waited 1 week post detox before going back to opiates. Fuck this life.
Problem is that without it, I'm depressed and nothing work for that (not for the lack of trying - it's now more than 8 years I'm in the psy care system). I probably took sufficient amount of drugs to be impaired for the rest of my life anyway. I experienced a phase out of depression in 2013 because, Ill not lie, I included drugs in my life experience, wich have allowed myself to see that being normal and social was possible : without this brain trick, I'm nothing anymore (I had this kind of false hapinness from 2013 to 2016 - better than any SSRI for example who fucked up permanently with my libido). At first I tried a bunch of different drugs (favorite was stim, LSD), but since 2 years I just can't go out opiate addiction.
It's quite simple, if I'm not on opiates or stim, I do nothing, I want to do nothing, nothing interest myself, or more I want to do things (at least doing music or cleaning my room - let alone working) but I just don't move my ass, and don't take pleasure to do things anyway. Since 3 years Ive not touched my turntable/DAW anyway. This had always been like that drug or not : at least, drugs made me able to do things.
So at the end I began to want and succeeded at stopping "wanting" things, like I stopped to want to meet girl (impossible with depression or whatever I have anyway), stopped to have goal (can't manage to do it without speed - and keeping imaginary goal for long time always only make me fall harder). I don't know what to say I don't want to live anymore. + Im in a permanent guilt trip + feel like Ive no control on anything + I absolutely have no idea about how Ill be able to work, survive or not end in the street (anyway street is a real option at this time) + Ive a fuck ton of problem with parents (at 31 - I'm a parasite) + Ive already done in life what I'm meant to do (aside procreating but I don't count on that)
All this fuck up can make laugh some ppl I can understand but this is far less funny that it sound
Problem is that without it, I'm depressed and nothing work for that (not for the lack of trying - it's now more than 8 years I'm in the psy care system). I probably took sufficient amount of drugs to be impaired for the rest of my life anyway. I experienced a phase out of depression in 2013 because, Ill not lie, I included drugs in my life experience, wich have allowed myself to see that being normal and social was possible : without this brain trick, I'm nothing anymore (I had this kind of false hapinness from 2013 to 2016 - better than any SSRI for example who fucked up permanently with my libido). At first I tried a bunch of different drugs (favorite was stim, LSD), but since 2 years I just can't go out opiate addiction.
It's quite simple, if I'm not on opiates or stim, I do nothing, I want to do nothing, nothing interest myself, or more I want to do things (at least doing music or cleaning my room - let alone working) but I just don't move my ass, and don't take pleasure to do things anyway. Since 3 years Ive not touched my turntable/DAW anyway. This had always been like that drug or not : at least, drugs made me able to do things.
So at the end I began to want and succeeded at stopping "wanting" things, like I stopped to want to meet girl (impossible with depression or whatever I have anyway), stopped to have goal (can't manage to do it without speed - and keeping imaginary goal for long time always only make me fall harder). I don't know what to say I don't want to live anymore. + Im in a permanent guilt trip + feel like Ive no control on anything + I absolutely have no idea about how Ill be able to work, survive or not end in the street (anyway street is a real option at this time) + Ive a fuck ton of problem with parents (at 31 - I'm a parasite) + Ive already done in life what I'm meant to do (aside procreating but I don't count on that)
All this fuck up can make laugh some ppl I can understand but this is far less funny that it sound
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