I want to stop all this scam called life now

[no_id]

I waited 1 week post detox before going back to opiates. Fuck this life.
Problem is that without it, I'm depressed and nothing work for that (not for the lack of trying - it's now more than 8 years I'm in the psy care system). I probably took sufficient amount of drugs to be impaired for the rest of my life anyway. I experienced a phase out of depression in 2013 because, Ill not lie, I included drugs in my life experience, wich have allowed myself to see that being normal and social was possible : without this brain trick, I'm nothing anymore (I had this kind of false hapinness from 2013 to 2016 - better than any SSRI for example who fucked up permanently with my libido). At first I tried a bunch of different drugs (favorite was stim, LSD), but since 2 years I just can't go out opiate addiction.
It's quite simple, if I'm not on opiates or stim, I do nothing, I want to do nothing, nothing interest myself, or more I want to do things (at least doing music or cleaning my room - let alone working) but I just don't move my ass, and don't take pleasure to do things anyway. Since 3 years Ive not touched my turntable/DAW anyway. This had always been like that drug or not : at least, drugs made me able to do things.
So at the end I began to want and succeeded at stopping "wanting" things, like I stopped to want to meet girl (impossible with depression or whatever I have anyway), stopped to have goal (can't manage to do it without speed - and keeping imaginary goal for long time always only make me fall harder). I don't know what to say I don't want to live anymore. + Im in a permanent guilt trip + feel like Ive no control on anything + I absolutely have no idea about how Ill be able to work, survive or not end in the street (anyway street is a real option at this time) + Ive a fuck ton of problem with parents (at 31 - I'm a parasite) + Ive already done in life what I'm meant to do (aside procreating but I don't count on that)

All this fuck up can make laugh some ppl I can understand but this is far less funny that it sound

 

[MrRoot]

Not long ago before going to 60day rehab I had similar issues than you but while in rehab I learned plenty of coping skills and as well learned how to structurize my day and it has been very easy for me to abstain from stimulants and opiates after completing the rehab.

Are you willing to try going to a longer rehab?

 

[Xorkoth]

Have you ever gone to therapy? If not, you really should try that. Even if you have, you should try again. There is a type of therapy called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) that many people say helps them a lot... it's not so much talk therapy as I understand, but more of a way to learn techniques to change your thought patterns.

By the way, I certainly did not find your post funny at all. You're obviously hurting a lot. But in all likelihood there are things that can really help improve your life, and suicide is a permanent solution to what could be a temporary problem.

 

[no_id]

I don't know what to do anymore. Ive gone in a 5 week detox. After 5 week I was still feeling bad, feeling too much in the present, cant plan, looking for the next high mode (if I think about it or not).
The problem with CBT is that I'm too much defensive, but perhaps I should try. Ive just seen my psy, who suggest solution like inhabit an apartment in a detox center (it seems to exist as a kind of detox procedure where I live).
Its just overgiving myself guilt that a FUCKTON of solution are invented, spending money onto for trying getting ppl like myself out of the small egoistical paradise they are trying to build for themself and that seem to never work. When I go too much in thinking like this smtime I think I should be killed like with hitler

Im aware that I could have just a "temporary" problem (not speaking only about addiction, but depression and general misery about not -wanting-, yes wanting at the end to integrate "normal" society)jlhjqklsfjklqsd Ah no. This is justly this problem that is permanent. I should have goal like working, integrating this society, etc, but no. This is why I fall back into drug every time I go to work, wanting to go back on my propers goal, just like a oversatisfied child. In the end I dont do work neither my goal because none is liveable solution : I don't have the power to work for long time (month+) in "normal" society and the time lost/neurosis aggregation/guilt/energy loss/various comedown hangover and other brain destruction for the sole goal of adaptation make me unable to work on my project anyway

Before, when I was not so intoxicated, I was still able to cut addiction at unemployement period, now I'm unable bc I just don't see the point in life for childish reason (personnal goal). In some way this is like adiction : I know I need to go out of this dynamic but I just don't see me doing it as I don't want to trade 100% what I believe into for myself into something I either don't believe, don't like, don't want, but that other can profit from.

Trying to not pass as a moron but this is really hard

Aside these usual neurosis, seriously I didn't know I was AS weak when it come to addiction. Seriously, detox then 1 week after; going back to "DOC" (as if I like this shit)... It's the first time in my life Im that much at loss about what to do. CBT ? Permanent talk therapy ? Being locked up for 1 year ? Going monk ? Being reeducated by the military ? That was my first detox, Ive detoxed in the past more or less succefully by myself (at least I was able to wait more than 1 week), the problem is more real than never

 

[Beenbetter]

Praying for you man.
i was exactly where you are very recently.
anyway you could get away for a vacation doing something you like for a while?
Thats what I did. I got thrown in rehab late one night. Woke up in there, checked myself out, got a plane ticket, and cut out to the keys for a cpl weeks of spearfishing and fishing. Did wonders for me.
I realized how much I love my family and my life when a week before I was holding a 45 in my mouth most every day.
you can be fixed. I thought I was broken for life. God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. I ain’t perfect by any stretch but I’m much better. It’s a miracle. I thought I was a gonner for sure. I go to therapy and shit, but only you can fix you. If your a religious person, lean on the lord and pray for strength.
best of luck!!

 

[no_id]

Thx for your quick responses. Ive just seen my psy and my last plan is to go back on post detox for 6+ month with no money no contact + my laptop, fruity loops, headphones.

With 6 month I should be somewhat out of PAWS and extreme cravings. And if I can learn to compose music without drugs as easily as I use turntable, I could have a hobby where Im not stuck (as with mix) for some months/years wich could help for work "balance" (it worked back in 2013 with mixing) after detox + Ill be not abatted by craving and just waiting to go out at the detox center. This is a detox center in countryside (translate ?) where going out is possible from 9am->12am/2pm->6pm wich can let me walking, taking photo... Last time I didn't do that that much because I was in PAWS, but perhaps with 6 month Ill do from the 2, 3th month. Ive gone out of depersonnalization in 2007 doing that (walking and doing photo from the strangest things in nature).

If it don't work I dont know what can work. I was thinking about travelling but I'm alone, but I will probablly quickly lose my energy and want to go back behind my computer. Plus drug are everywhere, you know it, you can spot a Dboy from 1 kilometer when you are in these kind of situation...

 

[no_id]

Okay I'm definitly back to the stuffn have withdrawal and stuff if I don't take immodium after 36h without. My life is over. without it I need to deal with the fact my life is over anyway. In all, my life is over, so let it be over without not much pain. I'm in my parent basement, use dope, will probably end in the street bc unable to work. Will never have a thing remotely called life like girlfriend, hobby and all. I should even stop wanting this. Going back to drugs full time at least I feel something (reason I took drugs at first). Going to order dissociative and stim, at least I could like my hobby with stim and find way to disconnect with Opce. Plus Ive a bunch of LSD/tryptamine waiting, if Im on sub or metha will be able to trip without bad trip. probably this is my last year before street and seriously I don't give a fuck anymore there is sufficient amount of normies who can maintain the society, just why should I give unimaginable amount of effort while being seen as loser/outcast, being insulted and stuff by those for who life is on easy mode

This time I can't go to detox Ill not be able to support detox mentally I'm to weak (last time I was alone to detox at detox, all these fucker like street badass thug fighting physically at detox without any detox symptom bc they used sub or metha from the second day, they was here basically for no reason and I don't bear ppl anymore anyway, so as a "personnality" like mine in that + detoxing it's just impossible)

 

[Mafioso]

Drugs don't remove those negative feelings, just distract or cover them up for a little while.

No one can live life for you.. it's something we all must do on our own. If you don't like who you are, it is up to you to change. It's not easy, but neither is the life you are living from the sounds of it. It's easy to get caught up in the cycle of self-hate and distraction, but it never leads anywhere besides more hate.

What's changed from your last post to now? Seemed like you were moving in the right direction. That's a decent plan you have. Don't let the threat of bullies prevent you from doing what is right. Even if you get into a fight it's not the end of the world. It's better then life on the streets, you can expect the threat of violence to be common place on the street.

Your life doesn't have to look the way it does for the rest of your life. Change can happen if you work toward it.

 

[Asclepius]

YOu are beautiful and strong and somewhere along the line, someone gave you the impression ootherwise - fuck that cunt!!


Beat it, life is short - spend this short time fighting for your right to be you and content.


Please dont ever disavow yourself
Nothing to be gained from self-imposed-misery.

 

[Mafioso]

Oh and from one musician to another, you have greater creative potential when you are sober. It might be harder to get started when you are completely sober and used to playing/writing while fucked up, but once you do get started you will be more free to create. No limitation of drugs, being either too fucked up or not enough. Or coming down, etc..