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Thread: Found a couple of my fiance's ex's on his recent facebook searches...

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    Found a couple of my fiance's ex's on his recent facebook searches... 
    #1
    Bluelighter
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    I wasn't snooping (didn't think I had a reason to). It was just there on the screen, plain as day. This is the first time in our 8yr relationship that he's given me any reason to be suspicious. He denies that anything is going on yet can't explain why the chicks are on his recent searches. I'm not so easily convinced. If anything I'm angry for having wasted 8yrs of my life just to be betrayed. The thing is though, I was being pretty good about cutting back on my morphine binges but now I know its going to be even more of a challenge due to that unpleasant discovery. Do any fellow opiate addicts have any advice about having self-discipline about usage while dealing with relationship issues like that^?
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    #2
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    I'm gonna send this to the dark side for you, it's more appropriate over there.
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    #3
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    Thank you. I'm never sure if I'm posting in the right place, unfortunately.
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    #4
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    Not a problem, glad to help.
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    #5
    I feel like this may not be something to be super worried about. Sometimes people are just curious to see where others ended up and what their life is looking like. Even if they happen to be someone they used to date. I mean, at one point they had a special connection with eachother, so obviously they still live in the back of his mind somewhere even if it is pretty deep down. This isn't a bad thing, it's just inevitable. I think he got curious and wanted to see how they were doing. I mean, especially since it wasn't just ONE specific ex, it was multiple.
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    #6
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    Cudi, thanks for you're insight. That makes me feel a little better, actually. Everyone that knows him (including my family and friends) don't think he seems like the cheating type. I just hope they're right. And yes, it was 2 girls I knew of that were on his recent searches (1 of which he use to fool around with). It seemed as if he hesitated to think of what to say, but he told me he probably looked them up to show a friend when they were having a conversation about ratchet women they've known. The word "probably" makes me think he could be lying. Like if he has nothing to hide, then I feel he should have told me what the deal with them was before I even saw them in his phone ; so if by any chance I saw it, I wouldn't have flew off the handle like I did. His excuse sounds believable enough, but he could just be a good liar. I just hope my suspicions turn out to be wrong, but there's really no way for me to know for sure.
    Last edited by FunctionlJnkieGal; 13-06-2018 at 09:53.
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    #7
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    He's a mechanic and owns a shop that he does "side-work" at when he leaves another auto-repair shop he's employed at. It usually takes him anywhere from an hour to a few hours to get home from work. He might genuinely be just busy doing side-work, but if he's lying he has the perfect cover. Another thing is that I've never cheated on him, but when I question him about why he always comes home hours late and when I questioned him about this incident, he's always quick to say some shit like "When you point a finger at someone there are 3 pointing back at you", more else meaning that I'm paranoid because I have a guilty conscience (which I don't because I've never cheated on him).
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    #8
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    I to don't believe this is something you should be upset about.. I to am guilty of doing this for the reasons Cudi has said above.. It's surely not a sign he's cheating imho.

    Now about your last post I'm not sure on that one...There are plenty of legit reasons to come home late but there are a lot of not so legit ones as well.
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    #9
    Who cares two female searches are on his facebook. It is extremely bizzare if he called you to explain about them before he typed them in. If you base your drug use on other peoples actions youll always have a reason to use. Honestly you sound like a very nice person but if i was him id prob work longer to put off being interrogated.

    Sorry but i just figured youd rather see how it really looks to me as a outsider then give you bs.

    Idk if he is cheating but this is not the way to go about. But, trust me ive done way worse everyone has days they dont handle things the best esp me.
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    #10
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    Honestly, those morphine binges are going to cause bigger problems than facebook will. Is it something you have decided to quit or are only looking to manage? Not sure if TDS is the place for advice on how to manage drug use.
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    #11
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    Traybuck, I hope you're right. D1nach, you might be right about the "coming home late" situation to avoid being questioned. He has mentioned that he's stayed away from home longer for the sake of avoiding being questioned (which is kind of ironic though because if coming home late is one of the things I nag about you would think he would make an effort to get home earlier). Mafioso, I do take morphine daily (but only a 1/4 of a pill before bed just so I can sleep and keep withdrawals at bay), and as for my binges I was taking 300mg once a weekend as a treat but switched to 300mg once EVERY OTHER weekend. I wasn't sure if this was the right section to post at either (I'm always confused about where the appropriate place to post should be), but I guess it is because it was moved from one of the other drug/harm reduction forums to TDS.
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    #12
    I was very happy in my marriage, but I would occasionally be curious about ex boyfriends and I would search for them on Facebook just to see what jobs they were doing and what they looked like. I never felt the need to contact them.

    Just recently I searched for an ex boyfriend that I hate. He was the devil's son. I was hoping that he lost his job and was living in a ditch lol.

    As long as your fiancee isn't contacting them then I think there's nothing to worry about.
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    #13
    Administrator spacejunk's Avatar
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    Yeah, i reckon more people look up exes and other people for no reason other than curiosity - morbid curiosity or otherwise.

    I've searched for the name of an ex of mine








    ...so i could prememptively block the crazy bitch
    ✺✹✺✹BLUA✺✹✺✹
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    #14
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    I occasionally look up my ex girlfriend on Facebook... just curious about how she's doing, how old her kids are, etc. This alone is not reason to be concerned, in my opinion.

    As for the coming home late and getting defensive when you ask about it, how do you ask about it? Do you guys fight a lot? Do you ask in a nagging way or with anger? I ask because things like that cause people to react poorly. My ex-wife used to get mad very easily, so anything I did that annoyed her at all would cause her to yell at me, so whenever she would ask me anything that sounded like she was accusing me of something, I would get defensive, because my expectation was that we were about to get into a fight. I don't know if this applies to you, but just a thought I had.
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    #15
    I look up all of my old friends on connections on Facebook. Girls, boys, ex's, teachers, bosses, cousins, coaches...i'm just nosy as fuck lol. I can't help it. I've been in a relationship 9 years now and would never, ever cheat. Just curious is all. I wouldn't be worried.
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    #16
    You don't have a "relationship issue", you have a personal issue, I reckon. I would not escalate this and try to give myself reasons to be bitter if I were you. You'll never be in a healthy relationship which includes grilling your partner over his social media searches.

    But for what it's worth, I look up people from my past all the time out of curiosity.

    My probably useless advice is to meditate on it, make a decision and move forward. The bitterness is a killer. Believe him or don't. But for the love of God, don't make this a place to dwell (and use) on.
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    #17
    Bluelighter CosmicG's Avatar
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    Him looking up an ex or two on facebook is nothing to worry about on its own. I occasionally look up my ex., in fact I did this just the other day, because we were together for five years and I still care about her a lot although not in a romantic sense. I just like to see how she is doing from time to time and make sure she is okay. I've been engaged for a year now and have been with my fianc? for a little over two years now. I would never leave her for my ex, but I do hope she finds someone special and has a good life.

    If you have no other reason to be suspicious, I would not assume he is cheating based on this information alone. I understand why it may bother you slightly, but I think it is important to remember you aren't the only person he may care or still care about. Also he might just be curious. It isn't as threatening as it may seen.
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    #18
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    Thanks for the insight, everyone. I really don't have a reason to be suspicious, I suppose. I gotta admit myself that I have looked up an ex in the past out of curiosity, but my fiance is literally the only man I ever had sex with, so knowing he has slept with one of the ex's he looked up touched a nerve. I try to keep my nagging to a minimum. I've gotten use to him coming home late. Him being a mechanic, I try to give him the benefit of the doubt because mechanics are usually always overloaded with work. Its not uncommon. I'm glad I put my usage in check before I slipped out of pattern. Seeing me nodding out really aggravates him, even though I'm not bothered at all that he drinks a 12pk of beer everyday. Knowing that seeing me fucked up bothers him was another reason I've tried to cut down taking it in excess every single weekend like I use to, yet he hasn't made an effort to cut down on drinking (well he tried reducing it to an 8pk of tall-boys but that only lasted for about a week). I suppose he feels he deserves a 12pk after a hard day's work, which is okay with me.
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    #19
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    Well honestly 12 pack a day sounds more alcoholism than a treat for a hard day's work.
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    #20
    Yeah, a 12 pack a day sounds like alcoholism for sure. I dated a guy not long after my divorce that drank that much every day, or more.

    I liked him a lot and we could have been a couple, but after 4 months of watching him crush one can after another and realizing that we couldn't have a serious conversation because he was either at work or drunk I had to leave.

    I guess it's ironic that my now ex husband called me a drug addict for the meds my doctor prescribed and then I dated a guy who was an addict and left him.

    The circle of life lol.

    Can you have normal conversations with your fiancee? Do you guys discuss your future, every day events, serious issues that need to be ironed out, or is he too drunk? It's something to consider. His usage is not going to go down, only up. My parents were alcoholics and are both dead at an early age from what alcohol did to them, so I feel that's a bigger issue than surfing Facebook to see what his exs are doing now.
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    #21
    Bluelighter
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    Really, his drinking, your drugs, bottom-line, it's not a contest. You both could use healthier hobbies, let's be honest. Next up, how can you possibly give him shit about looking up an ex on FB when you yourself admit to doing the same? Double standards like that just don't fly. Let it go, like quick and in a hurry!

    Finally, not to go too detective on matters but on the nights he comes home late and claims to be working (and you've said you are at least somewhat suspicious), do his hands appear to be super cleaned up? Most mechanics I've known come home from work with somewhat dirty hands, even when they've washed up some at work. However, if he was fooling around with another lady, his hands would most likely be pretty immaculate. No woman I've ever been with would let me touch her p*ssy with greasy dirty hands, especially considering my fingers would probably end up inside of her (sorry if that's too much info but...). If things are moving along nicely, my hands (and other things) would likely be in, on and all around her naked body, with an emphasis on her more "private" areas, if you know what I mean!

    Just a few thoughts I had after reading your post FWIW. Best of luck with things going forward!
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    #22
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    ^ How do you know mechanic has had sex?
    His index and middle finger don't have any grease...
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    #23
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    Haha! He's told me the "clean fingers = cheating mechanic" joke before. But on that note, yes, his hands usually look dirty even if he washed them. Chronicpain54, I will admit that it is hard to have deep conversations with him due to either always being at work and/or the drinking. We have talked about our future, kicking our bad habits, getting a better home, and possibly having a baby one day. As long as he stays faithful to me, I don't see why we can't do all those things.
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    #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by FunctionlJnkieGal View Post
    Haha! He's told me the "clean fingers = cheating mechanic" joke before. But on that note, yes, his hands usually look dirty even if he washed them. Chronicpain54, I will admit that it is hard to have deep conversations with him due to either always being at work and/or the drinking. We have talked about our future, kicking our bad habits, getting a better home, and possibly having a baby one day. As long as he stays faithful to me, I don't see why we can't do all those things.
    I agree, anything is possible where there is trust and unconditional love. I truly wish the best for you both!
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    #25
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    BeachBum4u, thank you. I hope we grow old together (given that we both live to be senior citizens).
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