user name1
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 13, 2013
- Messages
- 107
i have tried, over the years to kill myself a few times but not really. i kept it a secret so its not the cry for help type - trying to slash my wrists with a spoon or something. i live in a shitty neighborhood, its grey and depressing, most of the people are loud and stupid, some are the scum of the earth. i sit in my room in the same crappy spot for years, alone with this cancer of the soul growing inside of me.
im a big guy with explosive temperament (though not violent yet) and every drive i take, every small confrontation i get into can easily turn to bloody mayhem. i've suppressed so much anger within that i have turned to a danger to society and myself - all under a pleasant smile (now with crooked junkie teeth
) a soft voice and mild manners.
my life is so painful and empty. im addicted to crack and on subutex for years now.
i live with my depressed, control frick anxious mother in semi poverty.
i used to have a lot of of friends and was loved by all. i guess i just drifted away with the drugs and the lifestyle - lying and cheating, stealing and conniving. i truly believe this world is not meant for everyone. certainly not for me..
i used to think of myself as a good person but that not the case anymore, i see clearly now that im a self centered bastard,
a hypocrite small time crook. i think a lot of the suffering comes from the thought of potential i had, the "if only" thought pattern and so on.
how the fuck did i end up here? im just 37 but i feel like a old man. im so tired and just want to go quietly. i had enough pain for a lifetime and so sick of myself, of this self pity and anger.
one problem - i cant do it. where does one find the courage to take his own life?
its not that i think that maybe there's still hope, lets give it another try. i know its just downhill. maybe alcohol wil give me liquid courage? maybe a lethal shot of H? anyway its just talk and i will carry on this lame excuse of a life.. whatever.
thank you for reading.
im a big guy with explosive temperament (though not violent yet) and every drive i take, every small confrontation i get into can easily turn to bloody mayhem. i've suppressed so much anger within that i have turned to a danger to society and myself - all under a pleasant smile (now with crooked junkie teeth
) a soft voice and mild manners. my life is so painful and empty. im addicted to crack and on subutex for years now.
i live with my depressed, control frick anxious mother in semi poverty.
i used to have a lot of of friends and was loved by all. i guess i just drifted away with the drugs and the lifestyle - lying and cheating, stealing and conniving. i truly believe this world is not meant for everyone. certainly not for me..
i used to think of myself as a good person but that not the case anymore, i see clearly now that im a self centered bastard,
a hypocrite small time crook. i think a lot of the suffering comes from the thought of potential i had, the "if only" thought pattern and so on.
how the fuck did i end up here? im just 37 but i feel like a old man. im so tired and just want to go quietly. i had enough pain for a lifetime and so sick of myself, of this self pity and anger.
one problem - i cant do it. where does one find the courage to take his own life?
its not that i think that maybe there's still hope, lets give it another try. i know its just downhill. maybe alcohol wil give me liquid courage? maybe a lethal shot of H? anyway its just talk and i will carry on this lame excuse of a life.. whatever.
thank you for reading.
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