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    switch the off button 
    #1
    Greenlighter user name1's Avatar
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    Apr 2013
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    i have tried, over the years to kill myself a few times but not really. i kept it a secret so its not the cry for help type - trying to slash my wrists with a spoon or something. i live in a shitty neighborhood, its grey and depressing, most of the people are loud and stupid, some are the scum of the earth. i sit in my room in the same crappy spot for years, alone with this cancer of the soul growing inside of me.

    im a big guy with explosive temperament (though not violent yet) and every drive i take, every small confrontation i get into can easily turn to bloody mayhem. i've suppressed so much anger within that i have turned to a danger to society and myself - all under a pleasant smile (now with crooked junkie teeth ) a soft voice and mild manners.
    my life is so painful and empty. im addicted to crack and on subutex for years now.
    i live with my depressed, control frick anxious mother in semi poverty.
    i used to have a lot of of friends and was loved by all. i guess i just drifted away with the drugs and the lifestyle - lying and cheating, stealing and conniving. i truly believe this world is not meant for everyone. certainly not for me..

    i used to think of myself as a good person but that not the case anymore, i see clearly now that im a self centered bastard,
    a hypocrite small time crook. i think a lot of the suffering comes from the thought of potential i had, the "if only" thought pattern and so on.

    how the fuck did i end up here? im just 37 but i feel like a old man. im so tired and just want to go quietly. i had enough pain for a lifetime and so sick of myself, of this self pity and anger.

    one problem - i cant do it. where does one find the courage to take his own life?
    its not that i think that maybe there's still hope, lets give it another try. i know its just downhill. maybe alcohol wil give me liquid courage? maybe a lethal shot of H? anyway its just talk and i will carry on this lame excuse of a life.. whatever.
    thank you for reading.
    Last edited by user name1; 08-06-2018 at 00:40.
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    #2
    Bluelighter traybuck's Avatar
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    Damn bro. That shit was deep! You need to get the fuck out of the house more! You were clearly once happy and loved by all so your obviously stuck in a hole. I grew up in poverty myself.. Also you need to get the fuck away from your mom
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    #3
    Greenlighter user name1's Avatar
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    hi traybuck, thanks for replying
    damn right i need to do all that and maybe i will one day but right now i am in a point in life that everything scares the shit out of me and im so used to living that way.. idk how to leave my mom cause shes old and all alone, she couldnt afford to pay rent without me.. feel like im trapped.
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    #4
    Greenlighter
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    Finland
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    Burn yourself with smoldening iron you see do you want pain for something to ease or die..for me it was to live.
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    #5
    Bluelighter traybuck's Avatar
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    I do understand that. The problem is bro when we get stuck in a rut our minds go into to crazy depression state and the only way out of it is to force yourself to do things that are different then what you have been doing.. try going for walks and talking to people as hard as that may be you may find that there are lots of other people in the same boat as you.. but sitting in the same house using the same drugs and doing the same things is NOT going to help you bro. Unfortunately
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    #6
    Bluelighter traybuck's Avatar
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    I truly wish you the best man and all I can tell you is things can turn around but you have to want to change the way you feel.
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