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    I hate my father but it's fathers day 
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    Bluelighter RhythmSpring's Avatar
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    In very few words he invited me to see him on that day, but all my interactions with him make me feel like crap. Passive aggressive, petty, avoidant bullshit. Then I just pity him. I always hate being with him. But I am partially financially dependent on him, and he is a ...nice person. He never says anything bad, he just doesn't ever make an effort to see outside his self-narrative, at the expense of the people and situations around him. He is a drain, he makes me sick.

    I don't know how to tell him no. Or if I should "honor thy father and mother" and grit my teeth and bear going to him. Or if I should just say I can't and leave it at that. This sucks.
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    #2
    My dad was very hard to get along with (for some of the behaviors that you mentioned about your own). I had a lot of anger towards him for many years before I realized that he wouldn't be around much longer and decided to bury the hatchet and spend as much quality time with him as possible.

    He passed away several months ago and this was my first Fathers' Day without him, so it was hard.

    Try thinking of your dad's good qualities more than the negative ones, if only for your own happiness. That's what I did in recent years and it helped a great deal.

    Peace, Love and Faith,
    Dreamflyer
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    #3
    You should give him one more chance, what you can lose?
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    Bluelighter RhythmSpring's Avatar
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    Thanks, Dreamflyer, I went ahead and accepted his invitation.

    exy34, it's less about giving him a chance (I've given him the benefit of the doubt 1000s of times, and it's always led to me feeling heartbroken, sick, or gross inside. He's not going to change (partly because he's decided not to change, that old people don't change). Asshole. Old people do change. He's just using it as an excuse to not give a shit.

    ANYWAY, I'll be seeing him and probably pretending like I'm having a good time, but I guess that's better than nothing at all, for him.
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    #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by RhythmSpring View Post
    But I am partially financially dependent on him, and he is a ...nice person. He never says anything bad, he just doesn't ever make an effort to see outside his self-narrative, at the expense of the people and situations around him. He is a drain, he makes me sick.

    I don't know how to tell him no.
    hard to say no to a source of money

    this is the problem, you have to put up with his way of looking at things for $$$$

    once you have financial independence things go a lot better

    then everyone can say their bit and dont have to agree

    but then again when they get old you start to see they wont always be there...
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    #6
    Bluelighter RhythmSpring's Avatar
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    Yes, I can see that my own financial independence will free me up to stand up to him. I can't wait for that to happen.
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    for now bite the bullet ignore the minor irritation that has gotten inside of you

    my mum is alive and i love her more than the world (yet we wind each other up) but my dad died when i was young and all i will say is anyone can die at any time so look for the positive, dont be controlled but play the game to meet your needs and get some independence when you can and for now be diplomatic

    i find when some old fart is gassing relentlessly at me and i'm getting wound up to put on a slightly patronising ultra cheerful voice (gordon britass for example- youtube) and be super agreeable can get the message accross that i'm not interested in playing angry ball yet i'm not taking it

    non verbal communication says everything

    sarcasm can be key to nipping winge binges without having a row and blowing up over something trivial

    diplomacy is the art of making your point without stating it, its a great skill to develop interpersonally
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    I used to blame my dad for everything. He was an alcoholic and a nasty drunk at that but when he died I realized that no matter what he was still my dad.
    I try to remember the good things not the bad about him.
    My heart hurts thinking about the way he died and all the shit things I said and did.
    I'm the end it was my choice to act like an arsehole with the drinking and drugs not his fault.
    I used to say I did what I did because he was an alcoholic and I was his daughter.
    I regret that now big time and I miss him terribly
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by BehindtheShadow View Post
    I used to blame my dad for everything. He was an alcoholic and a nasty drunk at that but when he died I realized that no matter what he was still my dad.
    I try to remember the good things not the bad about him.
    My heart hurts thinking about the way he died and all the shit things I said and did.
    I'm the end it was my choice to act like an arsehole with the drinking and drugs not his fault.
    I used to say I did what I did because he was an alcoholic and I was his daughter.
    I regret that now big time and I miss him terribly
    Just change "daughter" to "son" and that is exactly how I feel about my own dad, especially since he passed away several months ago. He did the best that he could, and probably better than *I* could have done at the age that he raised me at.

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    #10
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    ^^
    Indeed and as much as I disliked what he did I still loved him, he was my dad after all.

    My dad has been gone 4 years in September and to be honest it feels like a lifetime I havent seen him or spoken to him.

    Things were very trying and if I knew what i did today I would have tried a bit harder to be nicer to him
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    Bluelighter RhythmSpring's Avatar
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    This thread is full of nice feelings, but I've recently went back on what I said earlier--I'm not seeing my dad for father's day. I'm choosing to be truthful to him and true to myself by telling him that it is too painful for me to be with him. He asked what it was he did, and I told him, for the thousandth time, that it was not one specific thing but many things, basically a way of treating me which is degrading, belittling, etc.

    Sure, it may be bitter, but I have to be true. He's a grown man, he can take it.
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    #12
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    ^give a specific instance of what kind of something he does

    this reads like "i dont like so and so" but theres no description of the behaviours
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    #13
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    Here’s my 2 cents. And it may be worth exactly that.

    Try to realize that there is no user manual for parenthood in general and fatherhood specifically.

    It is telling how we have set up elaborate and expensive education systems that can take 2. 3 or even 4 years to inculcate relatively small amounts of knowledge into our children. But there is very little in the way of how to raise a child.

    Fathering is like walking into a wood shop or kitchen or chemistry lab with no manuals, no teachers, no diagrams. And then being expected to be able to run a table saw without cutting your fingers off.

    It’s trial and error.

    I don’t know you or your situation. You could be dealing with a mother fucker. If so I am sorry.

    It’s very helpful if your father has a wife who can be there to mediate. But that’s not always possible.

    If you are hell bent on sending a message then Father’s Day would be the time to make the greatest splash. But I would advise caution.

    It’s so hard to keep calm and think in these situations. You sound young. Young people are so pasionate about everything. As we get older we mellow out, or just get too fucking tired.

    The hardest thing for me, as a father, has been to learn that I cannot make my son’s mistakes for him. But I am very lucky as my wife knows how to teach me this law of parenting. I used to think that I could control what types of mistakes my son would make. I said I would only allow him to make non-fatal mistakes. The truth is I can’t control anything.

    Fathers see their sons making the same stupid mistakes they did. It’s frustrating and the harder you try to course correct your son the bigger the mistakes get. You end up fighting and you don’t realize it but you are fighting with yourself. But your kid doesn’t know that. All of the self loathing for oneself comes out and it turns into such an ugly thing and usually the kid has no idea what’s going on. The father doesn’t either until it’s too late.

    Think about this. We have all been trained to work on personal attributes to put on a resume. Education, experience, work ethic, etc. What do fathers want on their resume. My kid is going to a good school, captain of some stupid sports team, manager at some job.

    In the end, I mean the actual end, when we die, or are about to. We don’t give a shit about our resume. We want our eulogy to be, he was a kind man. He was generous, giving, patient, loving, charitable, a good listener, funny, strong. All of the things that are important.

    If you send a message on Father’s Day to your dad you are building a resume. And, dealing with a motherfucker, maybe that’s what you should do. But dealing with you average guy, that has a son. That’s not what you should do.

    Be the adult. Someone has to. If you can figure out a way to communicate to your dad and do a good job explaining the mistakes he is making you will instantly see it. You watch and his shoulders will drop, his chest will deflate and he will tell you without saying a word that he is sorry for being such an asshole.

    Or, maybe you’re the problem. I don’t know. When I was younger I would have fucked over my old man on fathers days. I was an angry kid. I can tell you that I feel like shit for some of the things I did to my rents. Still haven’t made amends.

    Good luck.
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    #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by RhythmSpring View Post
    In very few words he invited me to see him on that day, but all my interactions with him make me feel like crap. Passive aggressive, petty, avoidant bullshit. Then I just pity him. I always hate being with him. But I am partially financially dependent on him, and he is a ...nice person. He never says anything bad, he just doesn't ever make an effort to see outside his self-narrative, at the expense of the people and situations around him. He is a drain, he makes me sick.

    I don't know how to tell him no. Or if I should "honor thy father and mother" and grit my teeth and bear going to him. Or if I should just say I can't and leave it at that. This sucks.
    Sounds like your Dad is a covert Narcissist - worst thing is that you will always carry around the 'He's not a support/HE's a victim' baggage, legacy with that.


    But yes, he is still a person and a very insecure one, by the sounds of it.
    It's frightening when you find out your parents are so much more messed up than you.

    Hope you got good friends/support at your side - walk away and make excuses for leaving, if you need mate - good luck.
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    #15
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    Forgive him for not being a person you like to be with, and even forgive him for (maybe) not being a father you need. I know it's not easy, but you'll be happier after that.
    What's left if you do that? A sad man that trusts you and want you to be with him here and there-and you can do that-not for you, but for him. Be a little patient with his personality bs you dislike, in the end of the day, you will feel like you do a good thing.

    My dad is worst than what you discribe.Alcohol addict and drug user, self-distructive, violent and anable to pick up sesponsibilities. "The guy just doesn't do for a father" I explain to my sister and my self, "but we are grown people now, we can understand, and forgive". See, forget for a minute how his absense ruined my life, and what I get is an addicted man who's life is endless suffering, just like me. Why not try to help the man then?

    Im not saying that this is easy, I mean "Im am the son so he has to help and forgive me, not the opposite" right? But if this isn't likely to happen, you can accept it, as hard as it can be, and try to make the best of the situation.

    EDIT: That's possible for me only because Im not using any kind of help from him and Im physicaly stronger than him which makes me confident enough to keep him in check. If you don't feel like you can handle his behaviour, maybe keep this advise in your mind for later. Maybe there will be a time where everything than connects you with him is your kindness-not ur dependancy nor your fear. And remember, even close minded and selfish people are like that only because life never drove them to open their minds or learn to care about others: this doesn't mean the shorow inside them isn't real.
    Last edited by bomber; 17-06-2018 at 16:03.
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    #16
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    I neglected the relationship with my father and now he's gone. You'll regret it.
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    #17
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    I haven't been neglecting the relationship. In fact, I have been putting forth lots of effort over the years to be friendly with him and now I'm just tired. It's like talking to a brick wall. I'm just done.
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    #18
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    Sorry but I'm not sure I follow exactly what the problem is here. What kind of behaviors does he exhibit to make you feel this way? Like, you said he's a nice person, but also that he's petty and passive aggressive and makes you feel like shit. I guess I'm just having trouble here getting a vague idea of what kind of problem you're having with him.
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    #19
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    agreed^

    specific instances are more helpful
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