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    My Wacky, Crazy, Midlife Crisis and Suicide Attempt Adventure 
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    About 4 months ago I spiralled into what I would like to think of as a mid life crisis however when I look at the definition it is quite loosely defined.

    To explain my problems and how I even got here let's go to the beginning....

    - Since I can remember I have often been depressed and anxious. Pscyhologist thinks bipolar but just calls it a naming term.

    - For the last 20 years (from 13/14 years old) I have seen counsellors and psychologists off and on about this until the end of last year where I said fuck it I am done and not doing this ever again. It was just no longer working and as in the past this was a common theme. I would go for an intense 3 months then would be ok for some time then crap happens again. The cycle was the same and at 33 I just felt fucken hopeless with success or no success.

    - I have been on meds now for nearly 10 years (antidepressants).

    - I was born an addict I believe with a penchant for alcohol and later on it became smoking cigarettes, gambing and substances if available. At close to 3 years old I was found passed out in a cellar by my parents when I drank a cup of wine. At age 9 I went with my father during the break period of the Croatian vs Serbian war to see family. He let me openly drink and even then I was curious to try smoking but never did. For the record none of my parents or brother is an alcoholic or an addict in the sense they abuse. Like my dad has had the same case of beer for a year now with maybe only a few bottles left.

    - I come from a Serbian cultural background where mental health is frowned upon. They automatically think it means going to a nut house.

    - I have had to hide my mental issues from family as the topic is foreign. Even dad who semi understands doesn't say much. My brother was caring and tried his best to help with my addiction but as he has his own family it is a topic he does not discuss. Since the beginning have had to be ashamed of this and yet all I wanted was support.


    So what happened?

    Since 2011 when I finished my post graduate degree / Masters in Business things just didn't take off as planned. I kept on trying to get work and ended up finding myself losing motivation, getting more depressed and anxious as the months dragged on. This led to more drinking and then when I would get a job, I would lose it quite quickly as I would either get very anxious with deadlines, interaction with some of the people or my drinking would get in the way. Ie showing up to work hungover.

    For some time I pretended to work off and on and my parents believed the story. Eventually I began working for my older brother who had just sold up his half of his last IT business as his business partner wasn't working as hard.

    My parents were happy and decided to buy me a brand new car as I hadn't gotten one when I graduated years ago. My thinking for the real reason of the purchase of the car was other Serbs were buying cars and mum felt insecure and manic so decided to buy it. A lot of these Serbs are socially insecure and do the same. I objected to it over and over and over again as I had crashed the last second hand car I had to drink driving. I could sense what would happen again but she insisted. Dad just wanted to shut her up so away we went on his birthday date

    As months progressed the wage my brother promised didn't arrive and after 6 months and taking on tax and other debt for him I parted ways mutually. This led me to go drinking at my old favourite hang out where I even tried to commit suicide, first by drowning and then tying jumper lead cables around my neck years before. Will get back to that story later. Here is a photo of the location:



    I didn't really care about being used like that as he is my brother and he was there for me many times before when I needed bailing out but it was hurting that a lot of time was passing by and I was getting zero support from him yet I would see him helping out no name people.

    During this time I started accruing debt from some people for dumb fucken reasons. Mainly to support my drinking, occasionaly gambling and then rare cocaine usage which began at the end of last year, i.e. December. Other times my folks were ringing down my neck. When will your brother pay you, you need to pay insurance etc.

    Eventually I did talk him into paying things but he demanded the letter from insurance, account numbers off people, their phone numbers as he wanted to speak to them about why I was owing etc. Like FFS I am 33 but he lost credibility in me when he knew I had an addiction problem and took his money once which was 10 years ago. He wanted to pay directly and speak to them, at the same time he was telling me he was struggling financially as the investment he just got was only going to last so long. I love my nephews and niece too much so just let it slide.

    Unfortunately this is where some money came in unforeseeably. Dad's car was hit by another and insurance money was coming in. As his English is not the best he let me take care of it. The insurance money went into my account and I was meant to transfer it right over to him when it came in. Unfortunately I took a $1000 of the $10665 thinking I could gamble it and make some money to help pay off my debts. I did a bit, then kept on gambling what was left and blowing on coke etc..Eventually this is when the cash dried up

    I was at the same old park bench at the lake going to myself you've been here the last year and you're always at same spot where you wanted to die those 10 years ago and all you've seen is a life go by of what would of happened if you didn't. It just became so depressive. Still the same fuck ups, reminder of my nothingness at my age, it being too late to catch up with others etc...Me justifying even when things did go well it always fucked up later. The only thing I was gracious for was meeting my nephews and niece however the reality of them moving to America as my bro wants to move the business there just hurt me too much. That was like the only thing that made me happy for these years of depression.

    I said fuck it I am going all out. I am going to sell my car to the car dealer it was bought from the next day and if I make all the money back including the money to pay my dad it will be a sign to live and repair everything. So the car was sold and I got a hotel in the old suburb where I grew up next to the beach. My gambling was going well and with the wins would get cocaine occasionally. This then spiralled to me doing 4 - 8 grams a night. Prior to this coke usuage I would do a gram or 2 at most if I could afford it. Then bang I decided to do a $21000 bet. I did my homework. Team I chose to win in soccer was winning then lost in second half. In hindsight I should of held on to the next day, or halved the 21000.

    This is when I began to wonder WTF do I do now? I want to fucken die but I want to give it one more shot. So I asked my dad for a confirmation code for the credit card and got their account working online. Slowly I started taking cash out. $10000 in one day, etc...At this stage I knew I was fucked and I wrote suicide letters to everyone. The plan was to jump infront of a train with only my ID and letters in my backpack and to hand them to someone before I jumped. However I also began looking at ways to die through cocaine usage. On the second last night stay at the hotel, sorry cannot remember here I swallowed 4 grams of coke having already snorted a few grams before. I blacked out, I remember shaking then blacking out all of a sudden. It was a fucked feeling when I could eventually stand, kept on wanting to fall etc...

    In the end I could not kill myself. At this stage I went to stay at my friends place as I could no longer afford to stay at the hotel and I had fuck all cash. Plus he was going to the US for 3 weeks to see his old man.

    This is when days passed and I had my brother and family asking what happened to the money? I told my brother the truth etc. He in return told my parents. For some unknown reason they have remained to be chilled about it when they very well could of called up the police and had me arrested for theft.

    Where am I now?
    - I have been back home the last 2 days.

    - I owe more to my coke dealer than before as I was buying large quantities and he thought at IOU was good for it.

    - A lot of people don't take my story seriously or I have simply decided not to tell them.

    - I have no car

    - This is now the 3rd serious suicide attempt that has followed a similar scenario. I gamble the lot first then make an attempt at killing myself. Yet this one baffles me the most as I can disconnect gambling so easily, I can go 2 years without but just when I drink and begin that trauma comes back if you want to call it that. The last serious attempt with this scenario I was on the edge of a cliff and backed out but promised myself I would complete my masters and do all it took to get better. During this period I lost 20 kg's was fit as hell, just life seemed so depressing without being numb.

    - My mum is already talking about helping me to buy a property

    - Mum is telling me she is the psychiatrist and Dr and to only listen to her. Unfortunately this is why I got into the mess some what. Listening to a mentally unstable person and being put down throughout life.

    - Dad is very quiet

    - I have not seen my brother or nephews and niece.

    - Now everything seems to be surreal and like a dream.

    WTF DO I DO? I feel rehab would be good but for how long? At the moment I am obviously not wanting to use. It is just I always find when I am on my own I am my worst own enemy. Yet the thought of having a partner and dragging them through my mental health issues seems like an unfair fucken burden.

    This situation itself is baffling to me. I was always so caring and respective of others from an early age where as many weren't and it seems like as if I became the people I resented


    Note: Thank you so for reading. Would love to hear advice. I wish I was lying but I am not. (
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    #2
    That reminds me of many aspects and events I've dealt with and am dealing with. If your situation with your Mom is anything like mine... well before I say all that let me ask you something... How do you feel about your Mom doing all of these actions that she considers helpful? Do you think what she's doing is helpful? What does she say about your suicide attempts specifically?
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    #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Slid View Post
    That reminds me of many aspects and events I've dealt with and am dealing with. If your situation with your Mom is anything like mine... well before I say all that let me ask you something... How do you feel about your Mom doing all of these actions that she considers helpful? Do you think what she's doing is helpful? What does she say about your suicide attempts specifically?
    She considers mental health to be a joke and won't accept that as an excuse from me. Just totally ignores that these attempts even happened. Specifically because she hasn't dealt with her own crap. The attitude is man up etc. If you listen to me then everything will be ok.

    Unfortunately this is where some good things in life got fucked up for me. Was told you can't work an office job and go to uni. I wanted experience whilst getting education. Then when I couldn't find relevant work was told you are not to get a factory or any type of job etc...This is mostly because she thought it would put shame on the family and people would look at us funny. Like even now after all this crap she has the audacity to lecture me after I get exam supervision work at a uni. Yes it's casual but like for fuck fucks sake there is no money in my pocket and I owe her and dad yet she is more concerned it's not full time or something to brag about so therefore don't go for it. I hate getting punished for doing the right things for myself. Like instead of her going hey you aren't going to get wasted you will be actually working she goes on the opposite.

    Dad get's it though but he's very introverted and doesn't talk much. He's just a yes man.

    This family doesn't get mental health properly or addiction. Like FFS I've been milking them for 10 years and they still don't get it or are in denial about it. Every time you would ask for money they would just hand it over. I told them 15 years ago I don't want any fucken handouts. Then when it doesn't go mum's way I'd get calls from my cousin, aunt and grandma telling me to listen to her.

    Although there is positivity with the folks it is a catch 22. Like how the fuck is it helping if you are just buying a car to brag and I am telling you don't do that or if you choose to let me review etc so you don't get shafted on the price. Then someone who has never gone to university and only finished grade 6 giving you career advice about certain disciplines I can do with my degree like get into finance. I don't even have a finance degree or experience and don't want to be doing it.

    If positive actions I take could just be for once complimented rather than me being put down like some scum I would be a happier man. Instead for a long time it's always made me depressed and just makes me give up.

    However this time round I am doing shit for myself and once I am over this confusing phase hopefully it works out.

    Just need to move forward as obviously I suck at commiting suicide. Something wants me to live no matter how many times I try.
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    Quote Originally Posted by noonoo View Post
    However this time round I am doing shit for myself and once I am over this confusing phase hopefully it works out.
    Do that... Your mom sounds like a total narcissist.
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    #5
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    Well am 3 weeks and a few days into sobriety. I have not gone to places I know would just draw me to smoke and drink which kinda sucks as tonight I got told by my 2 friends they are engaged. I would of gone to see them personally but didn't want to be tempted to smoke cigarettes or crack open a can of beer etc...

    I have been feeling still up and down but my outbursts at mum are reducing.

    Am calling up the psychologist tomorrow first thing to book an appointment even though I said I wouldn't.

    Have tried to see a psychiatrist as my GP supports it but am getting a fuck around from mental health services. Supposedly having long term depression / anxiety issues for 20 + years doesn't qualify.

    My speech is all fucked up at the moment when talking. However I blame this on just keeping to myself a lot so when needing to talk it catches me off guard.

    Not being tipsy daily is having it's moments. The positives are am not driving drunk at night, am not sweating the following day from over drinking water etc...

    My brother hasn't said much but his wife has had the audacity to question me and ask what the fuck did you do blah blah. Yet her and my brother owe my parents a lot of money that was meant to be paid back years ago. Guess that's ok.

    That has hurt a lot. Not seeing my nephews and niece a lot. Even before me going off the rail, it was already brewing a lot i.e. this divide. Brothers wife disconnected from her family day after the wedding, she conveniently wants my brother to do the same and this has now been dragging on for years.

    I just can't believe I've become this piece of shit I have to live with. Someone I never wanted to be. I can't believe anxiety got me here. Choosing escape over fight. Bad bad choice now when I see what I could of done differently. Should of just listened to the psychologist, the second last and the last one. FUCK.
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    I can relate a lot to when you explained your problems. Therapists was always off and on for me. I also come from a country (Brazil) where mental health is frowned upon or a sign of crazy.

    One of the most important things is therapy. That always helps, but I know how frustrating it can be when you ask for life advice and they always want you to figure out a way out of your problems. They never plainly give
    you an answer to a question but I think that's just their job and something they have to do. I didn't read all the replies to your post, and IDK if you're back in therapy or not. But I urge you to get back to therapy.
    It can help, specially at this time that you feel like you're having a crisis. They can be very supportive.

    Find and attend a meeting in your area. If you don't have NA meeting, Cocaine anonymous or Gamblers anonymous, go to an AA meeting. Even if you're not an alcoholic, it can still help. I found that out after years of going in and out of rehab, I then went to an outpatient rehab, and my counselor just said, find a place you're most comfortable at. Whether it be NA, AA, CA, CMA, it's all just a substance.
    Don't pay so much attention to the substance, but how you all relate due to an addiction. So look for a meeting.

    I think it's important to tell your mom exactly how you feel. You don't have to tell her completely everything. But sit down with her and tell her you're having problems with money and that buying a property is something that's completely
    not on your plans right now. It is up to you if you want to tell her everything, but if she's telling you that you don't need to talk to anyone else, then she might not understand the level of pain you're in.

    The world is a better place with you in it. Always think that. Studied show that suicide hurts the 5 (but way more people) people you care about most in the world. To many people you are simply the world to them and they can't imagine a life without
    you in it. Sure your problems seem like they are completely out of hand now, but everything always passes. this too shall pass. keep repeating that to yourself. This is just a bad year or something, things always get better and you will see.

    Stick with a meeting. rehab would definitely help you too. If you feel like you can't control your use and need help stopping, then I'd also advise you to go to rehab. Just to clear your head and give you some place to think. And there you'll find more info
    on getting help after you leave the facility. Outpatient rehab for a year and a half did wonders for me in 2011. If you feel like you, for whatever reason, can't go into inpatient rehab now, look for an outpatient rehab.

    I wish you luck man. And we're all here if you need to talk more. You've found the right place.
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    #7
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    Cheers.

    Am seeing my old psychologist tomorrow. She will definitely be in for a shock.
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    #8
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    So onto day 48 today, when I wrote this it was day 5

    I still feel like crap some days and on others like today like using something other than food to fill the void.

    My motivation still fluctuates and some days it takes a lot out of me to do something basic.

    The last 2 days have been trying to catch myself out of a trap as am reflecting and regretting on the negative things I have done. In the past this was another excuse to get drunk etc and punish myself. At this stage I can't afford to punish myself any more like how I did if I am going to stay alive.

    Sorry just needed to get this off my chest. Thanks for reading
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    #9
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    Dang man, that's a rough ride. I hope it's gotten a little smoother. Sounds like you're doing the right things. Am trying to do a couple right things myself.
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    #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by RedRum OG View Post
    Dang man, that's a rough ride. I hope it's gotten a little smoother. Sounds like you're doing the right things. Am trying to do a couple right things myself.
    Well I have now made things harder for myself even though I am sober. I have to live with the mess I created for myself and my family.

    Some days I wish I did die from that overdose.

    I get reminded daily from my parents about the fuck up I am. I deserve that though.

    Going to bed can be a bitch at times. Just the constant thought of why did I do that and why didn't I just go to rehab etc...Why did I turn a smaller problem into a bigger one?

    It is also interesting that 55 days into sobriety am still craving some days. Some days though I crave nothing and appreciate that I am sober.

    That saying " take every day as it comes" rings true.
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    #11
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    I can relate to the family issues, as my mom is an old school Greek and my dad is emotionally unavailable and entirely straight-laced. Not to mention he's kinda going through his mid-life crisis, and it's especially difficult because I never really understood him as a person anyways but that's beside the point.

    (Not trying to derail with my own BS, just for exposition)
    I grew up in a very similar household and my escape was drugs and girls. I was always the guy who had liquor and was drinking heavily at 14, and I constantly tried to find validation in romantic gambles. Started to smoke pot of course then discovered benzos and hallucinogens at 16 which catapulted me into a fascination with biochemistry and pharmacology which enveloped my mind. From then till 20 I was entirely into drugs and my only goal in life was to push the boundarise of my psyche. It culminated in a rehab stay from November to December (my 21st birthday ironically occurring) for heroin, benzos, and tranquilizers mostly but I was into everything at one time or another.

    That rehab stay gave me a chance to remove myself from all stress and take a long look at myself as a person. It did what it was supposed to do, but not for the reasons I thought it would. I left with all the life experience that was shared with me in those 28 days from other people I never would've even acknowledged. I met someone with the most horrific childhood and the bulk of his 20s and 30s was cartel business and prison, yet with addiction issues at 40 he had a good union job and a beautiful wife and daughter attending every visitation. So many others to describe but I know they wouldn't like that.

    What I got from that was life can suckerpunch you time and again, but you can take it like a champ or stay down. Everything is fuckin random, so why do your past mistakes matter in comparison to your future? They were just random calculations that didn't come out in your favor (BY THE WAY, NOT TRYING TO ENCOURAGE GAMBLING, JUST SAYING GAMBLE ON LIFE AND OPPORTUNITIES NOT WITH MONEY) therefore it's your job as a human in this crazy time in history to do what you can to push those random odds just a little closer. Be mindful of your actions and their potential consequences, go places and surround yourself with people more likely to make good decisions and connections (I sound like AA with the 3Ps...). It's all just a way to increase your odds in this random game of chance that is life.

    Nobody else knows what the fuck is going on either, so why not take advantage of it? (in non-criminal or shady ways) Try to form emotional connections with your crazy family despite their insanity. See someone if it helps, but I've had bad experiences with prescription mood medications that destroyed my trust in that industry so I can't comment on that.

    I don't know if that helps at all as I'm just some random and high fuck up, post-identity crisis, with a crazy family too. I'm also working out some things. Upon reading your latest post you seem to be doing better. Of course you'll still reflect on those times and wonder what would've happened etc etc from time to time. But look at it as not a reminder of failure, but a chance to analyze what went wrong that you had control over. More data to use next time.
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