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    It's been a while... 
    #1
    Bluelight Crew Black Rabbit of Inle's Avatar
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    It's been about 4 years since I've been here in any real capacity. Too much was going on in the real and I had to step away or break.

    This post comes with years of backstory so please bear with it.

    It started in 2012 with me leaving my abusive ex and having to make a drastic move out of state and back to a place I hated and was miserable. I slowly got back on my feet and became independent again, moving to my own place and starting to be social again. I was heavily using weed and psychedelics at this point and working 45+ hours a week as a chef. The work was back breaking and saw me start using poppy tea in minute doses just to get me through the shifts. This went on for a few years until I ran into a girl I had been friends with for a decade, who was in an abusive relationship with a speed addict and looking for a way out.

    I was in a position where I had the means and knowledge to help her leave (I always liked my solitude and nobody knew where I lived at the time), so the night I ran into her again she stayed at a friends house with us (there was a party) and her ex was furious about it. As soon as she felt safe to leave we went to my place and she stayed there a couple of weeks. Her ex tried to find her, turning up at her parents places (they knew what had gone on and played dumb to him) and would stalk all of our common friends for signs of her. Word eventually got around that I was the one she was staying with so he tried his best to find where I lived, according to friends. During al this I lost my job because I couldn't keep up both commitments.

    This whole time she was coming down from a speed binge and withdrawing as well, so shit at home was on a razors edge. The only reason I could keep my own shit together was because I had something else to focus on that wasn't me. After a few months, a few trips to her ex's with police escort, weeks of court appearances and a restraining order, things began to settle. She spent a month in Tasmania with her family and it helped ground her again. She lived with her father for a couple of weeks after that but couldn't stay there long term. She ended up moving in with me to get back on her feet. At the time I had very little understanding of PTSD or how it showed itself, so a lot of red flags got missed and in the end we were kicked out of the place due to being months behind in rent. At this point all I could do was look after myself and quickly found a place to stay with friends, while she was not 100% cognitive of the situation and was homeless for a few months until she got her shit together enough with DV assistance and a clinical psychologist. This was late 2014 and we ended up dating a couple of months after things started settling down.

    We managed to stay in the same house with friends for a couple of years, with no major issues. She was dealing with her abusive issues and along the way I was forced to deal with a lot of my abuse issues that I had basically drowned with drugs and focusing on helping her. Things were tough but we were communicating, we both assisted each other with going back to do our high school equivalence because we both wanted to go to university and pursue careers. Things went ok until the stress of it got too much for her and her PTSD was causing all kinds of memory and cognition issues. Her stressed breakdown affected me as well and I barely got through my exams. During the exams she was taken off Disablilty payments which threw more stress on top of everything, so after exams we both had to find work, and I went back to working in kitchens. This whole time I was still heavily relying on weed as stress relief, but as I was working long hard hours again I began taking opiates again. Things were fine for another year or so until the sharehouse we were in dissolved and everyone went their separate ways.

    We got another house between us and one other housemate and we've been here for a year and a half now. We had issues about 6 months ago because of my opiate use, my partner went and stayed in another state with a friend for a couple of months while I got my shit together because it was too reminiscent of her ex. I was starting uni and was using indiscriminately, not paying rent, hiding it from my partner and just generally being reckless with it. I'd made the decision to quit using drugs while studying to give myself the best chance at things. It was hard, going cold turkey from opiates and weed at the same time, but I struggled through until about a month ago.

    Exams were coming up, projects were due and I had commitments that I couldn't avoid like group work. Our friend had died a week before and dealing with that was hard on both of us. My partner had stopped seeing her psych and was struggling mentally again, although she had other support and wasn't just reliant on me. So a couple of weeks ago I was headed into a group meeting when I get a call from her closest support saying she was going to kill herself, I was stuck, I couldn't get out of the meeting and I was already stressed so this call broke me. I don't even remember getting through the meeting or getting home to talk to her about what was going on. I was beyond breaking point, not thinking and turned to opiates to just not think for a few hours. Big mistake. It had been months since using last and I took a similar dose to what I would have then. I was feeling fine, ended up in an argument with her other support over what had happened and next thing I knew I was being woken up by the paramedics. My partner found me not breathing and not able to wake me she called the ambulance. I spend the next 24h in hospital while they made sure I wasn't about to die again and my partner went to her mothers so she didn't have to be alone.

    Since then things haven't been easy. I can't cope. I know how close I was to death, but it happened in the blink of an eye for me and I can't process it. I'd been given benzos to deal for a few weeks but without even realizing it I was over using them and have apparently scared my partner off to another state again. We haven't talked about anything that has happened and I am at a loss as to what to do here. I have my final exam on Friday and she is also coming back that day to talk, so I am anxious as hell and struggling. I know this is my last chance to get my shit together and not fuck my life up again.
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    #2
    Bluelighter
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    Hey there... Sorry I don't have time to read through this all but wanted to reply and let you know youre being heard.

    Just from what I skimmed, sounds like you have a lot going on. I've woken up in hospitals and jails- but that was never enough to scare me off. It probably seemed/seems insane to my family and those who watched me go through it. Personally, I don't think there will ever be a consequence other than death with will be enough to keep me off drugs alone. Consequences can serve as a motivator, but there needs to be some sort of positive reinforcement as well. If you are only running from the heat so you don't get burned, you will only go so far. There needs to be something on the other side that you are running towards.

    I'm probably not the best with relationship advice, but I think most would probably agree that any relationship while either partner is using/getting clean will be a tumultuous one. Not going to say you need to break up, but you do need to be able to stand alone on your own two feet. Relying on someone else for emotional support only sets you up for failure if that relationship ever falls apart. Not to mention the other problems that comes along with co-dependency. Also, sick people do not make the best nurses... if that makes any sense.


    Sorry, I will try to read this tomorrow and give you a more thorough response.
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    #3
    Shadowmeister
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    Hey man, nice to see you again. Sorry you've had such a rough time of it. Have you gone to therapy at all? I would really recommend it. I was in an abusive relationship/marriage for a long time and it helped me. These days I feel fine, it only affects me occasionally.
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    #4
    Bluelight Crew Black Rabbit of Inle's Avatar
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    Thanks guys.

    Yeah there's a lot going on. Therapy has helped but our shitty health system only gives us 10 free sessions per year otherwise you're out of pocket hundreds which I just can't do. So I haven't been in about a year now. Opiates weren't really a problem then so never touched the subject of drugs with them which would definitely help now.

    Yeah I get what you're saying Mafioso, I realize now I was in no place to be caring for anyone even in the beginning. I've got no troubles with standing on my own feet, been doing that for over a decade, I have more of a problem with allowing people in enough when I need the help.
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