• TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT

I'm going to overdose with the next month once I obtain the heroin

Dude im in the same place you are.
Im 48 years old.
I have severely agravating shoulder pain due to several rotator cuff tears. My back has a herniated l5s1 disk and bulgesin every disk up my spin and neck.
My knees hurt and when i try to jog they almost give out and i am afraid someday i will hit the ground face first.
And i have learned my coworkers are stalking me. This isnt paranoia, to make sure i bought a sports camera and mounted it on my backpack. The videos are quite clear what they are doing. But the police wont do anything unless im attacked. I cant tell work or they will claim my job is not needed and fire me.
So i do the only thing i can....i do what ever the hell i want. Like you, i dont care if i die tomorrow so i enjoy my poppy seed tea and somas everymorning. I use about 1/4-1/3lb of seed a day and 10 somas throughout the day.
No i dont see myself as an addict. My pain is real..both physical and emotional. Fuck doctors. They got me hooked on opana during my first rotator cuff tear then abandoned me when they realized i was eating them like candy...and yes i mean abandon...in todays world i would sue the guy and make a bank roll. He left me high and drt to detox on my own.
My coworkers...i poke at them to a point where im fucking with them. They think i dont know about their gang stalking so i make subtle comments. And say things to try to provoke the stalking knowing that it will be recorded...maybe a payday there...

But fuck dude dont quit life. Run your life like you always dreamed. Do what ever you want. Get high, drink in public(like me) when i see a cop i can down a 24oz in seconds and then claim im collecting cans....oh that beer smell on my breath. Oh that was from earlier. I know not to drink and drive so i walk officer...lololol

Dont quit life. If anything fuck with the world. Have fun....when i go shopping my german english chinese accent comes out. Its funny. People dont know what to say...am i for real????


What im saying dude is dont OD.
Find a reason to live like i did.
I thought of doing the same thing you are thinking. Then i got angry that the world pushed me to that point so now i fuck with the world in a fun and funny way.

And at some point i am going to edit and put the stalking videos either on all the work computers or create a facebook account and accidentally email a link to some funny videos.
People will be quitting from embarrassment...guarenteed.

I like your view on life man. You can make the worst of it or the best of it, but its hard to make "the best of it" especially when it feels like you're getting fucked from all sides. I think everyone can find/has a meaning and a reason to live. It can either be really profane and incredible or strange and small. Right now I'm alive because I'm honestly scared to die. Well, not scared o die, but I have fucked up so many things in my life, and especially in other peoples lives, I figure the only way I could make it worse for myself is if I tried to off myself and woke up 1 year later totally paralyzed.......or brain-dead, or unable to walk.........or anything like that. Especially imagine the loved ones,,,,,,"I've hurt you guys so much as a result of my actions, so to make ammends I've semi-intentionally paralyzed myself and now require either around the clock care from you or for you to pay out the ass to hire someone to do it. I totally love you guys, this wasn't selfish at all"

I'm also entirely too sloppy to construct a fool proof "oceans 11" style plan. If I was I'd totally put those skills to use hanging out with george clooney.

All joking aside (I try to be funny when I feel really fucked up inside and out), I'm working to be a substance use disorder counselor, but i have ALL the substance use problems myself. I'm ashamed of the double life I'm leading, and its exhausting, and if anyone read my other post here in TDS, they'll know just how dumb assed and ashamed i am about what I've done, and I've contemplated pulling out the pin and letting it rip (suicide), but as bad as I've set myself up for a fall of epic scale relative to my own life, I'm trying my hardest to laak at this like a really intense and painful substance use disorder counselor training course. I feel like I'll have a pretty unique and helpful view on drug use and experience, something others cant give. To be clear, its because I've gotten myself dependent on absurd amounts of crazy RC chems and OTC drugs and weird cocktail drugs with idiot names that i bought on the street. Last time I had treatment I met no one in the BSU or rehab who knew what tianeptine, phenibut, etizolam, or any of those grey market china powders were. No idea how to treat them, no idea what they do, and, in the case of Loperamide, no idea it would even DO anything. This is changing now, but I feel like no one understands what I'm doing to myself. And if I do describe what I've done I get confused looks.

To get to the point, I think I can help people who are like me, and if they feel anything like I do then they really need the help.It blows big time right now, but eventually its going to get better, and then it will have been worth it. At least I hope so.

Actually, a big thing, and I cant remember where I heard it first, maybe from a CaptainHeroin post or something, but it was this :Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Taco, people are fucking you big time, and this system is BEST at fucking people, it seems like sometimes (or more often), helping people is a secondary concern. But this will not last forever dude, the world, while shitty on the outside, has a lot of people in it that will be willing to help you, hell there are people who WANT to help you. I know it, a guarantee it, there are people who will help you. Right now its hard, almost impossible it seems, and where you are you may have exhausted all of your options, but there is something somewhere. I know that isnt particularly helpful to you right now, but I'm just trying to communicate that help is something avaliable to anyone if they seek it out, its just something that may take no effort at all or literally every ounce of soul-effort you have to find.

I'm not christian, I dont believe in God, heaven, hell, the devil, etc....but I believe that their Dogma has some pretty alright lessons to sling (if only they were ALL good lessons and not convoluted and messed up power stories). The specific one I want you to know here is: God will help those most who help themselves. I think that is correct, maybe im just paraphrasing it. Also, a non religious saying: "success is 10% hard work and 90% showing up", and a last one, "the luckiest people are the ones who work the hardest".

I think the 2nd one is a Woody Allen quote.........The point is, if you want help, and I mean REAL help, you are going to have to put a shit ton of effort into getting it. The luckiest people aree the ones who work hardest. its just because that if you try 1000 times, you've got a better shot at succeeding than if you only try once. That old highschool motivational poster bull shit that said "you miss 100% of the shots you dont take" was annoying and corny, but it was true and basic fact.

Getting high was my prerogative (still is), and getting high to work is also essential to me now, because I'm non functional in W/D. BUT I cannot keep using the way I am and expect to have anything good come out of it, all its going to do is wither me up and I'll die in a grave where I buried all the shit I wanted to do with my life but killed because I wanted & needed to get high instead. I need fucking help, and its been hard to find it, because I figured doing untested & unknown drugs were better thn doing street drugs, and now no one knows what the fuck to do with me. But Im still trying, because as much as I loath being alive and having to do this stuff every day, I only get ONE.

you only get ONE life. Idk if there is an afterlife or not, and people are gambling on weather there is one or not, i don't know what to think, so I'm focusing on the present time and asking myself "what the fuck do I actually want" and then start trying plan what step one of "operation: un-fuck my life" could be. Im going to use this as a similar yet inappropriate analogy: I was broke and I reeeeeaaalllyyy needed drugs one day (that day is a groundhogs day for all of us isn't it? its not so bad, that means we're all Bill Murray). The only thing I was going to be able to sell was this guitar amplifier I had. I took it to the pawn broker and swapped it for $100, about 1/8th of what it was worth. I didn't use it a lot, I had a different amp, but I got it as a birthday gift from my grandfather before he died, and it was good, i liked it. BUT i NEEDED money for the drooogs, so i took that money and got well via some strange junky mixture I bought off of a recently homeless friend. I got well, then high, then well, then high.......but then the drugs and money ran out. it wasnt that much after all. the drugs gone, AND my amp, the one I got when I was 16 from family I loved. I realized that I fucked up, I regretted doing that so much, and when I got paid I ran back to see if I could some how get it back, but no, it was gone forever.

Not a very wise literary device comparing a human life to a guitar amplifier, but you get the idea, that we will make rash impulse decisions to immediatly improve our situation at the cost of quality of life later on. Suicide is the ultimate form of this.

Things will get better, but its likely going to take a really long time with a shit load of effort to do it, but your life is worth it, despite what others may think. And as T-roy said, Get mad. Fuck all the people who fuck you and work to make yourself better so they can see just how much they've failed in their own lives. I mean really tell them to fuck themselves. They will have been defeated when all you feel towards them is cold indifference, and they feel regret and jealousy. prove everyone wrong and then tell them to get fucked

I hope you're ok tonight Taco


and a quick "disclaimer", I am not comparing my own problems with Tacodudes, by that I mean I'm not saying my problems are bigger or as big as his, nor that his situation is easier or harder than mine. I don't want anyone to get the idea i'm trying to dick-size our suicidal ideations.
 
Just an update.... It took me a while to get myself to do this where I haven't even wanted to look at this thread. I honestly regret that I attempted again to find another solution rather than overdosing, but I think my father finally gets it because he's at the point he's willing to even buy me 40$ of heroin a day to help me get back to my job. I just wish he decided this before my bank account became closed after I was taken advantage of it my vulnerable state and offered money to essentially let myself get robbed as now I owe the bank and had the account closed and have no way to receive transfers. Hopefully the poppy seeds he bought are good and I can just use those.

Other things going on is the director at the methdone clinic clearly stated the medical system has let me down and he'll do whatever he can to advocate for me as well as deal with the assistant director that yelled out, "where is that fucking kid?" Completely inappropriately in front of 5+ clients. Although today I tried to complain about HIPPA violating asking just for the neglect to be acknowledged only stating opioids had worked best to manage my pain and I haven't found another good option specifically asking for MRI to diagnose as well as an osteopathic and chiropractic doctor to treat my back, but the doctor blatently told me he knows and respects the doctor and his opinion so I will need to go "shopping elsewhere for the medication," and that "if I believed the HIPPA was violated to go find a lawyer." The only reason I was speaking to this doctor was because I complained to patient experience office that's replaced patient advocacy. Now it seems to be "the office of corrupt doctors protecting one another."

I'm not going to make a big fuss over my plans next month, but if this shit still continues and no one's able to change things because of not even policy, but recommendations that are presented as policy. I literally feel I'm losing my mind going in circles where after walking back from the dispensary today I damn near slipped out of reality losing touch of my senses as I became overwhelmed with the stress of the situation and had to tell myself to stop thinking and focus on getting home to where I just sat unable to break out of my mind trapped and lost in the pain within my mind...

The cannabis obviously triggered it, but the point is I can't handle substances that affect my process of thoughts be it cannabis, psychedelics, or pharmaceutical mood/behavior regulators while the doctors constantly push the later as a "novel approach to pain." I have always appreciated the most opioids did not greatly affect my thought and only my emotion slightly disconnecting me from them if I didn't stay aware of the effect as I do. Of course the big problem is when the use is unstable, which wouldn't happen with an adequate stable supply, but I've never been provided it because I'm told what should be okay and the doctors refuse to acknowledge when I say it doesn't work or how methadone still causes excessive sedation during the day yet wears off at night. I'm expected to somehow give clean pee for 9 months before I can qualify for split dosing when I need it so I can be stable enough not to use anything else. It's a catch-22 that leaves me unable to find any support or relief. I'm tired of fighting a system built to neglect and deny people like me especially alone and expected by others just to accept it and be strong because they don't want to deal with my stress expecting me just to live with it when it's killing me. I'm literally having tightness in my chest and pain from the stress, which of course is not enough for the doctor to acknowledge, but leaves me crying when I'm stressed and feel it.

I can't live like this and I won't let anyone talk me out of overdosing next month if I decide to do so. I just won't tell anyone as it will leave me open to being talked out of it by people who tell me it will get better yet when it does not they just abandon me rather than help me do something about it. I'm just not okay... This can't continue yet it only gets worse. Hopefully something gets better this month, but the way things are going I'm going to be withdrawing through my birthday alone wishing I was dead another year in a row. It's not something I wanted to let happen again, but I was foolish enough to let people convince me out of my plan. I'm not making that mistake again.
 
That's a bummer to hear you are resigned to your decision. I hope something can change for you, tacodude. If not your life situation, then maybe the way you view and feel about your situation can change for the better. I'm sure it is hard, and I believe you are in a lot of pain- both emotional and physical... There aren't always easy solutions to all of life's problems, but things can change in the blink of an eye. A lot of the good things that happened to me have been largely by chance and just being available for the opportunity.

Is there anyone that you would miss if you never saw them again?
 
So.....
Number one I'm glad you're still with us, taco . That's Something.

I'm considered a "suicide survivor "--- what a horrid expression. It means my mom killed herself and I'm still alive . I was prob about your age when it happened. Life was Unbearable for a long time; so I had help and here i am, still alive 19 yearz later with grown children and a stable substance -free life . I don't even take psychiatric meds of any sort (*though I strongly support their use in many cases and attribute 2 specific meds along with CBT, with saving My life years ago).

I wish the medical Establishment gave a flying Fuck about people. But they don't.
I hope you find a way to stay strong and keep living . I know it's pretty unbearable for you-- I sincerely hope and pray whatever path you take leads to strength and peace.
 
I read all 8 pages & really analyzed each response. Honestly Tacodude, seek mental care asap. You display a lot of narccistic, sociopathic traits. Im not questioning your physical pain, but a 26 year old man should not act the way you do. (Im 25 btw) i honestly thought this was a 15 year old girl for the first couple pages. Please if you want any chance at a normal life, get help. You have some serious issues. It probably isn't all your fault either. I'll be praying for you.
 
You obviously understand zephyr, but I don't even have the means for short term even if I went through psych emergency who would rather tie me to a bed making it worse rather than manage pain so I can focus on my situation enough to discuss it. As you said they care about their jobs not the patient, which they have told me straight to my face.... Multiple doctors.

I really dont believe in this suicide. I have been on opiods for about 25 years, the last 10 on methadone.
I also felt suicidal and Could t see my life wo opiods.
I also wanted it all to end. But everytime i bought the heroin for the OD i first took a little bump and swoosh all my suicidal thoughts were out the Window.
seek help with subutex or methadone plus some benzos. Youll Feel good. I promise.
 
I?m a pain management patient, believe me I get it. The dr unwillingness to listen to you, it?s a five second appt and they move onto the next. If you say the meds don?t work anymore, you are an immediate drug addict. What they don?t understand is that the meds don?t take the pain away they just fuck with your mind enough for u to tolerate the pain. So yes, I am an addict, so fucking what!?! It?s better than living with the chronic pain! So I get what your saying. But dude, you have to learn to play the game. You can?t demand drugs, they are not going to risk their medical license so you can OD. You have to complain, then agree to get a Cortizone shot, and then complain again because it didn?t work, and agree to get another one, and eventually they might give you something else. But you can?t go through life demanding other people to help you, sometimes you just need to play the game and be patient. I?ve had a really really shitty six years, it started with the death of my husband at age 40. We have one life, that?s it. And because I?m not sure what comes after this, I?d like to try to stay here for as long as I can. Because the afterlife might not be as great as you think it is! So stop, step back, make a plan, see all new dr?s, stop demanding drugs and be smarter than them. I don?t think u want to kill yourself, you want an immediate fix to your problem. Even start with a new dr and let them give u the bullshit doses first. A little patience and a plan will get u what u want. People don?t have chronic pain cannot understand. And that includes the doctors. So you have to calmly make them understand, you can?t force somebody to understand. Be realistic because quite honestly for a person who has nothing, you have way more access to pain control then some people. So stop, think, be patient and realistic, death is not the answer because u don?t know what comes next!!
 
Tacodude needs to just STFU at this point.

I read all 8 pages & really analyzed each response. Honestly Tacodude, seek mental care asap. You display a lot of narccistic, sociopathic traits. Im not questioning your physical pain, but a 26 year old man should not act the way you do. (Im 25 btw) i honestly thought this was a 15 year old girl for the first couple pages. Please if you want any chance at a normal life, get help. You have some serious issues. It probably isn't all your fault either. I'll be praying for you.
This person (Tacodude) really pissed me off. Like you I too read all of his replies and like you, I too felt that he was a 15 yr old girl. He is manipulative, immature and an insensitive ass hole. I am sorry but no one has ever annoyed me like Tacodude. He needs mental help and a big cup of STFU. I am sooo done reading and listening to his threats, I was a suicide prevention counselor for years and no one has ever pissed me off like this immature, irrational, manipulative idiot. ovo1024 your commit was great. As a matter of fact many have been trying to help this insensitive idiot. Thanks for the great comment ovo1024. This dude needs to be committed.
 
(Tacodude) really pissed me off. Like you I too read all of his replies and like you, I too felt that he was a 15 yr old girl. He is manipulative, immature and an insensitive ass hole. I am sorry but no one has ever annoyed me like Tacodude. He needs mental help and a big cup of STFU. I am sooo done reading and listening to his threats, I was a suicide prevention counselor for years and no one has ever pissed me off like this immature, irrational, manipulative idiot. ovo1024 your commit was great. As a matter of fact many have been trying to help this insensitive idiot. Thanks for the great comment ovo1024. This dude needs to be committed.
 
(Tacodude) really pissed me off. Like you I too read all of his replies and like you, I too felt that he was a 15 yr old girl. He is manipulative, immature and an insensitive ass hole. I am sorry but no one has ever annoyed me like Tacodude. He needs mental help and a big cup of STFU. I am sooo done reading and listening to his threats, I was a suicide prevention counselor for years and no one has ever pissed me off like this immature, irrational, manipulative idiot. ovo1024 your commit was great. As a matter of fact many have been trying to help this insensitive idiot. Thanks for the great comment ovo1024. This dude needs to be committed.

I would think someone who has been trained as a suicide prevention counselor would be more understanding of someone's situation and pain, but perhaps that is why you are no longer one.

Tacodude is/was clearly going through a lot which would account for a lot of his more drastic and inappropriate behavior like asking for money. It's easy to get confused when you are in pain, whether it is physical, mental, or emotional. Most people project their pain and misery on to those trying to help so there is no need to vilify him for doing what most do when in a bad place.

If it bothers you much that it probably would have been a better idea to stop reading rather than spreading negativity. This is TDS, a place for people to openly talk about and express their feelings towards some of the darker subjects in life. Some of the things tacedude said were wrong and he didn't have the greatest attitude but try to understand he is here asking for help. So lets not create an environment where people are afraid to ask for help. If you truly believe that he needs to be committed then you also believe there is something greater at play, like a mental illness that has taken control and he needs help for.


Sorry, I read this comment and ignored it but I think something should be said. Saying someone "needs to be committed" shouldn't be thrown around like an insult, it should be said from a place of compassion and understanding. There is a very real possibility that someone in an altered state can do something out of confusion or desperation in which they will later regret, a failed suicide attempt is one of them.
 
Just made an account to reply to this very very old thread. Working at rehab centers and hospitals , I've see alot of "tacodudes". The constant suicide threats and begging for money does a horrible injustice to those who are truly on the verge of suicide. I saw on multiple posts on different days where their "friend" was buying a $40 bag and that was what was saving their life that day. Absolutely horrible. Clearly taco was having a severe issue, and most likely has severe undiagnosed mental issues. I hope they are still alive and found the right kind of help. Also, for all of you looking to get prescribed opiates..... don't be a heroin addict while finding a doctor. Don't demand higher doses from said doctor once you are prescribed meds. Everything I read on these 11 pages scream a mildly sociopath with extreme drug seeking behavior. It was honestly one of the saddest and sickening threads I've read. Good luck to anyone struggling with mental health issues and PLEASE talk to anyone. Anyone at all.
 
Top