Flexure read the part where psych emergency, er, and urgent care told me it's pain my primary care needs to handle yet they refuse saying go to the hospital or find a specialist yet they don't help advocate and straight up undermine me lying to my face constantly. There is no health care access. I've made every attempt only to be accused of resisting treatment for not accepting an SNRI even though I tried the other medication that made me dizzy and vomit as well as actually was making progress in actual physical therapy and mental health evaluation I had to give up when they cut me off after never making a stable plan and leaving me at a methadone clinic as a dose of pain management medication. They play these games on purpose as they make it personal with me even if they don't acknowledge it.... Bear with my multi posts as I'm only responding after I read to whoever I am trying to so each person reads their response rather than looking through one big post for their part
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I'm going to overdose with the next month once I obtain the heroin
- Thread starter tacodude
- Start date
Seriously reading your first post you get it, but I never thought no one cares as many care. No one cares enough to make the effort is the issue and I'm supposed to make impossible effort. That's where this is unfixable unless that changes. I could make the effort with the medication or go without the medication if I lived with someone on me hand and feet 24/7 and essential needs supported, but in our society the latter is supposed to be the header thing one obtains on their own and the medication to bridge to that in the short term. The doctors with me have it backwards. They want me to stabilize involving weeks of waiting for appointments that I'm supposed to be able to focus in when I can't stay still without screaming in pain and my mobility is limited. I'm supposed to walk and bus around a city of hills when my financial situation is dismal at best not bleak. I just can't begin to explain anything else at this point as I just want it to end.
Zork thank you for being awesome as always.
I do have plans in place to make sure it can happen . I'll have a note expressing my wishes on dealing with my responsibility being my dog. I'll express what medical care was needed I've been denied for years. I'll express the many nights I have cried myself to sleep alone as even though I knew things were wrong I had accepted I'm better off than others so I shouldn't worry about it, that I had family, that I was spoiled with private school, but in reality I was prevented from being recognized as an individual to receive the health care needed and instead always treated as a young healthy white man who couldn't have any problems because I'm white and must be well off and connected when I barely knew my immediate family I'm learning let alone my extended family that always treated me like trash. My father's mother would roll in her grave knowing how not only her children, but how her son treated her grandson. It's just something I can't live with and the "professionals" around me ignore me. I told adult protective services how I've been abused by the police many times violating constitutional rights, how my human rights are denied in medical care, and their bullshit response like everyone is, "we can't tell the doctors what to do you need to go to detox," without even acknowledging the constitutional abd human rights violations that go on neglected due to labels that caused the situations and made worse by them.
It will be a never ending cycle off treatment, management that is under scripted even though I express it's nut managing pain even the dependency last time only to be told I better accept the dose and be happy as if I can just force my body to accept what's not enough, cut off when I relapse just to try to continue pursuing necessary treatment, falling apart having to cancel the initiation of treatment before any progress could be made and only agitation of the injury, and going through the cycle again if I can recover enough to give them heroin free pee, which I will not be able to just push on with methadone only again. I'd go back to poppy seed tea, but I was stupid enough to get into it right when the drought hit realizing if I had been working with it since 2013 I'd be off everything now. I just give up. No one will help me stabilize abd week, but only build a dependency to cut me off to try to manipulate me into methadone when withdrawals they allowed to develop without medical care to put me through hell thinking they will get some message through if they torture me enough until I accept it.
That's American health-care for you... Simple as that. I'm not going to be a part of it, but I have no option if I want to live as what they want from me is not living, but existing chemically restrained so I can't be verbal as no one wants to hear about my problems. To those people I tell them to try to live with them and not become a shoplifting feind willing to hurt anyone for themselves as I've not yet gotten there, but if Mk-Ultra proved anything it is that anyone could be broken with enough torture and neglect. I've always said I'll kill myself before that happens. That's this next month as I'm not going to let them get me pushed over the edge by this city full of people trying to push one another over the edge.. At least not the edge of consciously affecting abd hurting others for one's own gain. Suicide may knowingly hurt those who care about me, but it's not intentional even though I'm aware of it.
Morality is a bitch... Living by it means being taken advantage of if weak, but living without it I couldn't imagine. I'm just not able to even though I wish I could rob a department store and get the money I need, but even I can't do that. Strealing is wrong whoever it is. I've been robbed too many times... I couldn't do it even to a faceless company.
I do have plans in place to make sure it can happen . I'll have a note expressing my wishes on dealing with my responsibility being my dog. I'll express what medical care was needed I've been denied for years. I'll express the many nights I have cried myself to sleep alone as even though I knew things were wrong I had accepted I'm better off than others so I shouldn't worry about it, that I had family, that I was spoiled with private school, but in reality I was prevented from being recognized as an individual to receive the health care needed and instead always treated as a young healthy white man who couldn't have any problems because I'm white and must be well off and connected when I barely knew my immediate family I'm learning let alone my extended family that always treated me like trash. My father's mother would roll in her grave knowing how not only her children, but how her son treated her grandson. It's just something I can't live with and the "professionals" around me ignore me. I told adult protective services how I've been abused by the police many times violating constitutional rights, how my human rights are denied in medical care, and their bullshit response like everyone is, "we can't tell the doctors what to do you need to go to detox," without even acknowledging the constitutional abd human rights violations that go on neglected due to labels that caused the situations and made worse by them.
It will be a never ending cycle off treatment, management that is under scripted even though I express it's nut managing pain even the dependency last time only to be told I better accept the dose and be happy as if I can just force my body to accept what's not enough, cut off when I relapse just to try to continue pursuing necessary treatment, falling apart having to cancel the initiation of treatment before any progress could be made and only agitation of the injury, and going through the cycle again if I can recover enough to give them heroin free pee, which I will not be able to just push on with methadone only again. I'd go back to poppy seed tea, but I was stupid enough to get into it right when the drought hit realizing if I had been working with it since 2013 I'd be off everything now. I just give up. No one will help me stabilize abd week, but only build a dependency to cut me off to try to manipulate me into methadone when withdrawals they allowed to develop without medical care to put me through hell thinking they will get some message through if they torture me enough until I accept it.
That's American health-care for you... Simple as that. I'm not going to be a part of it, but I have no option if I want to live as what they want from me is not living, but existing chemically restrained so I can't be verbal as no one wants to hear about my problems. To those people I tell them to try to live with them and not become a shoplifting feind willing to hurt anyone for themselves as I've not yet gotten there, but if Mk-Ultra proved anything it is that anyone could be broken with enough torture and neglect. I've always said I'll kill myself before that happens. That's this next month as I'm not going to let them get me pushed over the edge by this city full of people trying to push one another over the edge.. At least not the edge of consciously affecting abd hurting others for one's own gain. Suicide may knowingly hurt those who care about me, but it's not intentional even though I'm aware of it.
Morality is a bitch... Living by it means being taken advantage of if weak, but living without it I couldn't imagine. I'm just not able to even though I wish I could rob a department store and get the money I need, but even I can't do that. Strealing is wrong whoever it is. I've been robbed too many times... I couldn't do it even to a faceless company.
Chronicpain54
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Feb 21, 2018
- Messages
- 293
Tacodude, I said that I didn't think you liked me because of your answer on page 5 to a message I had posted. I have read the entire thread from the beginning and the only part I had not read yesterday when I was responding was about 4 posts that were extremely long so I thought I would just go back and read those after I had answered. My concern was simply that if this is truly something you intend to do that you would be responsible enough to make sure that your animals were okay and that your parents did not have to find your body because no parent deserves that unless they are the lowest piece of shit ever made you know? It sounds like you had a relatively decent life and I'm not sure where it went wrong because I know you started to do drugs early And I'm assuming that maybe around the time that you were sexually abused?
I'm trying very hard to keep up with this thread but there is so much information and so much going on in it that yes, it is easy to miss a sentence or a comment responding to something I might have said. None of us can help you in real life so if you really want to live you're going to have to push through and knock some people on the head or go into the emergency room and just act like extremely crazy person so that they will grab you and lock you up somewhere and I don't mean to be funny. Sometimes, when the system breaks down, you just have to go all out and act as crazy as possible and hope that they keep you and check on what's going on instead of calling the police and kicking you out.
Since None of us here can help you in real life all we can do is give you thoughts and comments about what you could do. I know it frustrates you but what else can we do?
I wish you the best and I hope that you will give life a chance because you can end it anytime you feel like it. You don't have to end it this month or next month or even ever if you can find the right doctor. It takes a while and it's aggravating and at some point it became embarrassing to me to go to yet another doctor and have to explain everything that happened to me. I happened to luck up on a pain management doctor that had several degrees and one of those degrees was in Psychiatry so we spent a lot of time talking and he has been my Savior I guess you could say. Whenever anything is wrong he is quick to jump up and fix it and when he can tell that I'm having problems he'll sit and talk with me until I feel better. But you have to keep hunting until you find the doctor that fits best with you.
All the best to you.
I'm trying very hard to keep up with this thread but there is so much information and so much going on in it that yes, it is easy to miss a sentence or a comment responding to something I might have said. None of us can help you in real life so if you really want to live you're going to have to push through and knock some people on the head or go into the emergency room and just act like extremely crazy person so that they will grab you and lock you up somewhere and I don't mean to be funny. Sometimes, when the system breaks down, you just have to go all out and act as crazy as possible and hope that they keep you and check on what's going on instead of calling the police and kicking you out.
Since None of us here can help you in real life all we can do is give you thoughts and comments about what you could do. I know it frustrates you but what else can we do?
I wish you the best and I hope that you will give life a chance because you can end it anytime you feel like it. You don't have to end it this month or next month or even ever if you can find the right doctor. It takes a while and it's aggravating and at some point it became embarrassing to me to go to yet another doctor and have to explain everything that happened to me. I happened to luck up on a pain management doctor that had several degrees and one of those degrees was in Psychiatry so we spent a lot of time talking and he has been my Savior I guess you could say. Whenever anything is wrong he is quick to jump up and fix it and when he can tell that I'm having problems he'll sit and talk with me until I feel better. But you have to keep hunting until you find the doctor that fits best with you.
All the best to you.
What has anyone here done for you besides the "standard answers"? Absolutely nothing.
Now tacodude you tell me what you expect posting what you have here? This is a message board, it's not like your interacting with people in person. All we can do is give advice, or not. All we can do is try to relate to show you suicide is not the answer. Or we can tell you to just go ahead and do it, which No one has and No one wants.
If what your getting at is that you want\need money/bitcoin from people here you'd honestly have better luck begging on the street.
Also never said it implied I know more about your life than you, that would obviously be crazy.
I literally went through something very similar to what you are. Basically went to the hospital about 10 or so times just to be sent home to be told your dying but we arnt going to help, go to the specialist and your primary for help. After doing what they said the specalists and primary didn t do anything. Then finally after a few more visits to the er I was admitted in the hospital for 6 days and the only thing accomplished was an endoscopy and colonoscopy to once again told your dying but go home and see the specalists. Once again a few more er visits and again I get admitted but this time for 16 days. Almost got a heart procedure done and almost got a feeding tube out in. Not to mention i was on a methadone dose that treatment centers won t allow you in (they all said you have to be at 30mg or lower to get in) and the clinic i get it from Also does suboxone but wont start you on it unless your 30mg or under. So what does the hospital do? Switch me to suboxone and told me no matter how much we give you it's not going to cover your methadone withdrawals since your on higher than 30mg. So now everyday I'm ok for about 12 hours after my subutex then I get withdrawls. I know I will even out eventually but who knows how long that Will take. That's not to even !mention how it does nothing for my pain issues.
So believe it or not your not the only one who's been down this road. It sucks, it's horrible and I too have thought about ending while going through this. But life does change even if at the time it feels like there is no way it ever will. Plus I have people who rely on me and family and friends who i would not want to have to deal with me taking my own life.
Also I am only 2 years older than you. I know our situations arnt 100% the same but they are very similar. I'm doing my best to get through my issues and perhapes you can see that as hope that you can get through your issues.
But
The most important thing right now is keeping you alive. Get some mental help, get your self commited to a hospital psych ward. I'm no doctor but I highly believe they Will treat your pain while you're there. It might not be with the specific opiates you want but it would be better than nothing.
Try to stay positive.
Mtop either split your Tex dose yourself or ask them too... Bupe needed 2x dosing for we while pain required 3x-4x although never worked without cannabis yet would cause minor opioid withdrawals without cannabis.
Mtop I would go to the hospital, but they would literally discharge me from psych emergency with no connection to anyone. Literally there is no help available.
Being alive is important, but I feel 25/26 years has been just existing with a years worth of scattered moments of "living" rather than existing. I wish I could get you to understand yet at the same time I want no one to understand as to understand is quite painful realizing my issues go into the root of the problem with physical and mental health care in the states as well as the world. The accepted dehumanization that allows forced drugging, restraint/imprisonment, and other non conducive treatment in the long run that is over excessively used for short term convenience. I just don't want to believe this world is still do primitive and backwards as I see it is after believing the Earth has come far and may see peace one day, but all I see is the likelihood of war and a great depression without even thinking about the Trump fiasco bs.
Who knows what will happen maybe a miracle, but I doubt it. The only last person I can hope to help connect me into the community is the rabbi next door, but I don't see it
Mtop I would go to the hospital, but they would literally discharge me from psych emergency with no connection to anyone. Literally there is no help available.
Being alive is important, but I feel 25/26 years has been just existing with a years worth of scattered moments of "living" rather than existing. I wish I could get you to understand yet at the same time I want no one to understand as to understand is quite painful realizing my issues go into the root of the problem with physical and mental health care in the states as well as the world. The accepted dehumanization that allows forced drugging, restraint/imprisonment, and other non conducive treatment in the long run that is over excessively used for short term convenience. I just don't want to believe this world is still do primitive and backwards as I see it is after believing the Earth has come far and may see peace one day, but all I see is the likelihood of war and a great depression without even thinking about the Trump fiasco bs.
Who knows what will happen maybe a miracle, but I doubt it. The only last person I can hope to help connect me into the community is the rabbi next door, but I don't see it
I literally feel a weird strong dull deep pain in my right shoulder joint somewhat shooting down spikes...
Also again mtop this is more just me documenting. The thoughtful responses are a bonus and life saving change will be a miracle, but the only one I expect is the first two of the three.
Also again mtop this is more just me documenting. The thoughtful responses are a bonus and life saving change will be a miracle, but the only one I expect is the first two of the three.
FLEXURE
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 12, 2016
- Messages
- 59
How are you holding up, "tacodude"?
Thanks for reading my previous Reply, and Yes, I do feel "I get it" as far as what you are attempting to express. I know how hard it can be to find the right words to accurately explain, and/or describe, some things, if the "right words" even exist.
I realize you're going through a rough, frustrating, time and you're hurting both physically and mentally. Perhaps you can consider each day, one more day toward finally finding a long term solution? (And I obviously don't mean killing yourself.) I know that can be much easier said than done....That's why I said "Perhaps".
The "System" we were told we could trust, IS "Broken", and I understand how you feel like you're attempting to run in the "right" direction, while that very same "System" has one of your feet nailed to the floor. It ends up with you running in the same circle, over, and over, and over,....Until You're Both Physically And Mentally Exhausted. It's as though way too many so-called Health Care Providers are way too eager to "Pass The Proverbial Buck", and what could be accomplished in Days, instead takes Weeks, Months,....?
I should add, on our "System's" behalf, our own Society is part of what contributed to it "Breaking", By Continuing To Abuse It. But that's a whole other subject.
It's extremely frustrating to think you may have unintentionally at least "scorched" some of the bridges behind you, and are now being "Blown Off" as far as some sort of treatment which has proven to actually work for you. That's Just Not Right On "Their" Part.
Even if you (Any of us?) made some "bad decisions" and/or "mistakes" with medications, drugs, etc., that doesn't, in and of itself, make you (Any of us?) a "bad person". And how much, and how severely, and how long, should you, or anybody else, have to pay for those types of "bad decisions" and/or "mistakes"? Of course, this depends on the severity of the particular situation at hand.
I have been in situations bearing many similarities to yours, yet a bit different. I'll save the "War Stories" for another time, if you want to hear about them.
I can honestly tell you, if I were in your situation, I'd should be searching every square inch of this planet for a Doctor, or some other Health Care Professional, who can get you off of your 'Mountain Of Fire" without your literally being "Tortured" any more than you have been.
Once again, I tend to give people "The Benefit Of The Doubt", so I'm trusting in your being forthright with what you are saying in your Posts. As I've stated, you sound, at the least, to be a fairly intelligent person, so I feel you can understand what I'm saying about this.
I don't know where you live, and I'm not going to attempt to pry that sort of information out of you.
What I do know, is that there are, in fact, people out there who can, and are willing to, help.
I'm both hoping for, and looking forward to, the day where we get through this, and can get to know each a little better. I'm pretty sure we'll even have a chuckle or two about whatever. That might sound "Corny", but I'm serious!
Once Again, Be Sure To Keep Us Updated.
R.
Thanks for reading my previous Reply, and Yes, I do feel "I get it" as far as what you are attempting to express. I know how hard it can be to find the right words to accurately explain, and/or describe, some things, if the "right words" even exist.
I realize you're going through a rough, frustrating, time and you're hurting both physically and mentally. Perhaps you can consider each day, one more day toward finally finding a long term solution? (And I obviously don't mean killing yourself.) I know that can be much easier said than done....That's why I said "Perhaps".
The "System" we were told we could trust, IS "Broken", and I understand how you feel like you're attempting to run in the "right" direction, while that very same "System" has one of your feet nailed to the floor. It ends up with you running in the same circle, over, and over, and over,....Until You're Both Physically And Mentally Exhausted. It's as though way too many so-called Health Care Providers are way too eager to "Pass The Proverbial Buck", and what could be accomplished in Days, instead takes Weeks, Months,....?
I should add, on our "System's" behalf, our own Society is part of what contributed to it "Breaking", By Continuing To Abuse It. But that's a whole other subject.
It's extremely frustrating to think you may have unintentionally at least "scorched" some of the bridges behind you, and are now being "Blown Off" as far as some sort of treatment which has proven to actually work for you. That's Just Not Right On "Their" Part.
Even if you (Any of us?) made some "bad decisions" and/or "mistakes" with medications, drugs, etc., that doesn't, in and of itself, make you (Any of us?) a "bad person". And how much, and how severely, and how long, should you, or anybody else, have to pay for those types of "bad decisions" and/or "mistakes"? Of course, this depends on the severity of the particular situation at hand.
I have been in situations bearing many similarities to yours, yet a bit different. I'll save the "War Stories" for another time, if you want to hear about them.
I can honestly tell you, if I were in your situation, I'd should be searching every square inch of this planet for a Doctor, or some other Health Care Professional, who can get you off of your 'Mountain Of Fire" without your literally being "Tortured" any more than you have been.
Once again, I tend to give people "The Benefit Of The Doubt", so I'm trusting in your being forthright with what you are saying in your Posts. As I've stated, you sound, at the least, to be a fairly intelligent person, so I feel you can understand what I'm saying about this.
I don't know where you live, and I'm not going to attempt to pry that sort of information out of you.
What I do know, is that there are, in fact, people out there who can, and are willing to, help.
I'm both hoping for, and looking forward to, the day where we get through this, and can get to know each a little better. I'm pretty sure we'll even have a chuckle or two about whatever. That might sound "Corny", but I'm serious!
Once Again, Be Sure To Keep Us Updated.
R.
FLEXURE
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 12, 2016
- Messages
- 59
"tacodude".
Consider this as a "P.S.".
Consider this as a "P.S.".
I just re-read my last Reply, and I don't want to come across as insulting your intelligence, or your "knowledge-through-experience", by stating some things I'm sure you already know, or by giving advise you may have been given multiple times in the past by other members on this site.
It appears you've been a member of this site for about 4 years, and have 4,500 (+/-) Posts. While I don't judge a person by their length of membership, nor their number of Posts, I still take into account they've likely endured alot of unintentional repetition from other members while participating in the many Threads that are up and active.
Thanks.
R.
It appears you've been a member of this site for about 4 years, and have 4,500 (+/-) Posts. While I don't judge a person by their length of membership, nor their number of Posts, I still take into account they've likely endured alot of unintentional repetition from other members while participating in the many Threads that are up and active.
Thanks.
R.
I wish I had a keyboard so I can post responses as well thought out and expressed as you have especially with the use of the quotation. I probably would get a lot further in my communication using air quotes, but my hands may never go down if I do.
As far as searching for a doctor I always have, but I don't truly have a penny to my name with all my debt that I feel I've had even when my parents were raising me with the attitude they are doing whatever they can to make sure I entered the world without debt only for not to constantly be indebted for every meal, shelter, or even kind words that to a degree I was. Although I was led to believe what was important was going to school to develop myself and finding work to give back to the community and support myself while pursuing constructive interests that benefit society.... What it turned out was that I made sure to stay out of their way, but also be at their beck and call while taught to trust no one besides them only for them to completely abandon me the FIRST time I was caught smoking cannabis that I did outside and admitted to.
After that I was afraid to leave it at home or even go out to smoke knowing they would be going through my room and waiting for me when I came back to accuse me if smoking, which when they learned of it their first reaction was that if they learned I smoked one more time that I'd be living on the streets even though I was only 16. I was always a good kid even though I struggled in school and rarely did school work at home while also not doing many household chores besides emptying the dishwasher or keeping my room clean that I realize now had to do a lot with chronic pain that was written off as growing pain until they could claim it was the cannabis use.
It also had to do with the double standards of proving my brother and sister with support that I was denied on excuses I was too young only to still be denied when I was their age saying I wasn't as good as them essentially. That constant comparison not only led to me not receiving fair treatment (allowance was kept reduced even with chores because they never believed I would be responsible because I always spent the 5 a week I first got for allowance on the same bag of bulk candy mainly), but also causing self esteem issues as I was never good enough and had to be as "good" as my violent anti social brother that was the source of constant conflict in the house leaving me crying many nights trying to sleep alone wishing the problem with my family would get fixed knowing not what to do or my rude rebellious sister who was never home developing quite a problem drinking. I honestly hate all of them at this point and want nothing to do with them.
I would sue them for the abuse and neglect if I could, but I couldn't even sue a hospital that denied me opioids my doctors office mistake left me with leading to withdrawals only to be treated like a drug seeking opioid addict even with the ambulance driver saying otherwise trying to make sure I wasn't neglected only to be told I wouldn't get narcotics blaming me for not doing enough the Friday the day before even though I explained clearly not only myself, but even my mother was requesting to make sure I had medication that week only for them not to make sure things were okay leaving me unable to do anything besides go to the ER that usually treats me as I was being treated begging if they wouldn't provide the medication I should've received to at least manage the pain and obvious withdrawal symptoms until my doctors office opens after the weekend backing out of the curtains stating the refusal of narcotics again cutting me off leading me to get worked up enough to put on my shoes and announce my intent to kill myself walking out engaging in self harm within the hospital in response to the nurse station laughing at my statement of intent as if I was a boy crying wolf were I told the front desk again without anyone stopping me only to get hit by a car going 30-40 MPH where it was a sports sedan that hit my right side as I cracked the windshield with my right shoulder then slipped down the hood and hit my head last on the ground.
The 4 people jumped out and the 5th on the corner stopped me as I got up and walked to the corner before collapsing in pain into tears as they rolled me on my back and held my head straight until the ambulance arrived. They checked my ankle at the ER to make sure it wasn't broken yet long term imaging was never done besides some bullshit x-rays I doubt anyone looked at. My back's been getting worse and worse since were within the last year my neck has been becoming more of a problem and think it was also damaged in the attempt. Honestly those people who I caused problems for did more for me than the ones who's job it was too intervene at the hospitals and my doctor who 3 months after retired and no one took over the care even cutting me cold turkey off the pain meds not even 3 months after being hit by a car.
As far as my location if you want to message me go ahead, but obviously I'm not posting my location publicly. If you know where the old staff Tricomb resides at I live very close by.
As far as searching for a doctor I always have, but I don't truly have a penny to my name with all my debt that I feel I've had even when my parents were raising me with the attitude they are doing whatever they can to make sure I entered the world without debt only for not to constantly be indebted for every meal, shelter, or even kind words that to a degree I was. Although I was led to believe what was important was going to school to develop myself and finding work to give back to the community and support myself while pursuing constructive interests that benefit society.... What it turned out was that I made sure to stay out of their way, but also be at their beck and call while taught to trust no one besides them only for them to completely abandon me the FIRST time I was caught smoking cannabis that I did outside and admitted to.
After that I was afraid to leave it at home or even go out to smoke knowing they would be going through my room and waiting for me when I came back to accuse me if smoking, which when they learned of it their first reaction was that if they learned I smoked one more time that I'd be living on the streets even though I was only 16. I was always a good kid even though I struggled in school and rarely did school work at home while also not doing many household chores besides emptying the dishwasher or keeping my room clean that I realize now had to do a lot with chronic pain that was written off as growing pain until they could claim it was the cannabis use.
It also had to do with the double standards of proving my brother and sister with support that I was denied on excuses I was too young only to still be denied when I was their age saying I wasn't as good as them essentially. That constant comparison not only led to me not receiving fair treatment (allowance was kept reduced even with chores because they never believed I would be responsible because I always spent the 5 a week I first got for allowance on the same bag of bulk candy mainly), but also causing self esteem issues as I was never good enough and had to be as "good" as my violent anti social brother that was the source of constant conflict in the house leaving me crying many nights trying to sleep alone wishing the problem with my family would get fixed knowing not what to do or my rude rebellious sister who was never home developing quite a problem drinking. I honestly hate all of them at this point and want nothing to do with them.
I would sue them for the abuse and neglect if I could, but I couldn't even sue a hospital that denied me opioids my doctors office mistake left me with leading to withdrawals only to be treated like a drug seeking opioid addict even with the ambulance driver saying otherwise trying to make sure I wasn't neglected only to be told I wouldn't get narcotics blaming me for not doing enough the Friday the day before even though I explained clearly not only myself, but even my mother was requesting to make sure I had medication that week only for them not to make sure things were okay leaving me unable to do anything besides go to the ER that usually treats me as I was being treated begging if they wouldn't provide the medication I should've received to at least manage the pain and obvious withdrawal symptoms until my doctors office opens after the weekend backing out of the curtains stating the refusal of narcotics again cutting me off leading me to get worked up enough to put on my shoes and announce my intent to kill myself walking out engaging in self harm within the hospital in response to the nurse station laughing at my statement of intent as if I was a boy crying wolf were I told the front desk again without anyone stopping me only to get hit by a car going 30-40 MPH where it was a sports sedan that hit my right side as I cracked the windshield with my right shoulder then slipped down the hood and hit my head last on the ground.
The 4 people jumped out and the 5th on the corner stopped me as I got up and walked to the corner before collapsing in pain into tears as they rolled me on my back and held my head straight until the ambulance arrived. They checked my ankle at the ER to make sure it wasn't broken yet long term imaging was never done besides some bullshit x-rays I doubt anyone looked at. My back's been getting worse and worse since were within the last year my neck has been becoming more of a problem and think it was also damaged in the attempt. Honestly those people who I caused problems for did more for me than the ones who's job it was too intervene at the hospitals and my doctor who 3 months after retired and no one took over the care even cutting me cold turkey off the pain meds not even 3 months after being hit by a car.
As far as my location if you want to message me go ahead, but obviously I'm not posting my location publicly. If you know where the old staff Tricomb resides at I live very close by.
FLEXURE
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 12, 2016
- Messages
- 59
"tacodude"
I thoroughly read your last Post.
That's some pretty "deep stuff".
I'm attempting to get a break in this somewhat "crazy" day to send you a Reply.
The thought you put into your Post, and the fact that you opened up with some of what you went through (and are going through) in your life, deserves a Reply that isn't just "quickly slapped together" and sent.
Take Care.
R.
I thoroughly read your last Post.
That's some pretty "deep stuff".
I'm attempting to get a break in this somewhat "crazy" day to send you a Reply.
The thought you put into your Post, and the fact that you opened up with some of what you went through (and are going through) in your life, deserves a Reply that isn't just "quickly slapped together" and sent.
Take Care.
R.
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Rio Fantastic
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Feb 19, 2009
- Messages
- 1,727
tacoman, in my experience the genuinely suicidal reach out maybe once if those around them are lucky. you are continuing to post long, detailed replies & explanations continually whilst maintaining that its all useless. if that's the case, why do you keep posting? you must be getting something out of venting, no matter how mild it may be. Can I ask what *you* are actually doing to try to help your situation? Other than taking heroin, threatening suicide & expecting/demanding a custom opioid script of your choosing? You don't seem like a bad guy and I really hope you get through this without doing some permanent damage to yourself. People who get through dark patches like this are often those best poised to help others. Keep your chin up.
FLEXURE
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 12, 2016
- Messages
- 59
FLEXURE
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 12, 2016
- Messages
- 59
Sorry about that, "tacodude".
That's what I get for hurrying.
It's been a long day in a crazy world!
How are you making out?
Like I said before, please keep us updated.
R.
Rio.... If you haven't figured it out by now I'm not your avarage bluelight (yogi the bear). I update because people want updates.... I update as I want to because I don't want to die and want things to get better yet it seems so hopeless I have a plan to overdose next week rather than continue chasing doctors for diagnosis, stabilization, treatment, and recovery.
Flex it's OK wasn't meaning to give you hard time just to correct. I was able to do a couple this like my rent for 6+ years has been 200$ to high meaning I'm owed 14,400$ that I should've never been charged.... That could change everything giving me the opportunity to move
Flex it's OK wasn't meaning to give you hard time just to correct. I was able to do a couple this like my rent for 6+ years has been 200$ to high meaning I'm owed 14,400$ that I should've never been charged.... That could change everything giving me the opportunity to move
FLEXURE
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 12, 2016
- Messages
- 59
"tacodude"
Good Deal!
From what you've expressed, that's a fair amount of money compared to what you've had to work with recently, isn't it!
I know I really don't have to tell you to use some strategy and put that money towards it's absolute best long term use!
You may be familiar of the hard learned equation: "When GREEN = WHITE, GREEN = POOF & GONE!"
R.
FLEXURE
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 12, 2016
- Messages
- 59
Woah "tacodude"....I read right past this part.
With even 25% of $14.4K you could Contract-Out somebody to assist you with your "chasing doctors". (The Right, Legitimate, Doctors.)
Maybe I'm misinterpreted you?
R.
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