I'm going to overdose with the next month once I obtain the heroin

[tacodude]

I *was* going to overdose with the next month once I obtain the heroin

As the title says that's my plan. I give up. I'll never have the trust needed from others to gain necessary support to complete activities of daily living or even just to be able to lay in bed, stand up, or at in a chair without aggravating the painful areas. I'm done with all of the lying "professionals" that refuse support on the grounds I am an addict so I need to go become dependent on methadone or Suboxone at doses equivalent to 1-6 grams of morphine just to say that I'm "following a standard treatment plan."

Fuck them, fuck everything, fuck this world, fuck the hustlers, fuck the dealers, fuck the great lie that is the opiod epidemic, and Nich of all fuck my life I want it to end.

Only way this would change is if I was sent 1100$ a month to buy dope for a couple months as I stabalize in my old job. That's not happening nor can I get a script of 40 mg 2x a day at most of oxycodone ER with 5-10 mg oxymorphone IR 4x a day.... The equivalent to 210 mg of morphine through the day. That's at most while the oxycodone could likely start at 20 possibly just 10 mg per dose. Yet nope.... All they say is I'm a drug seeking addict go overdose on methadone. Fuck everything I'm done

 

[Mafioso]

Sounds like you are dealing with some pretty nasty chronic pain?

have you tried other alternatives besides opioids? i know a lot of people are saying that they use cannabis to treat chronic pain instead of opioids.

If only opioids work for you, why not get methadone and just flush the extra? Is living with chronic pain the only thing driving you to end it, or are there other things adding to the stress?

 

[tacodude]

I've tried everything... There's a lot going on, but the chronic pain is the root preventing me from taking action to fix my issues and pushing me into a dependency that makes it worse. I have no support... I have no one who cares.... I just have people who want to tell me how much it hurts them to see me.... Who want to keep pushing the label of drug addict... Who don't care about anything that happens to me just that I'm a problem around them. Well I can fix that problem for them and I can get rid of it and then I'll finally have peace. There's nothing else I can do at this point as I couldn't even find someone to pay me to have sex or buy drugs from me. I can't shoplift nor can I use stolen identities not having money to start up. I'll call the doctor's when I have the shot prepared outside of City limits so they can not call the local police on me and will not find me and will tell them unless they prove to me they will end the bullshit I will inject what's prepared or if I see the police as I'll find a place with a vantage point.

 

[tacodude]

I've told everyone I know except those who could order a psych evaluation and lock me away for a day as they never keep me more then 24 hours. I'm tired of the bullshit and I'm going to end it even if it means end my life.

 

[Mafioso]

Have others told you that you are a problem or is that something you have inferred on your own? I don't know the details of your situation, but if someone is telling you it hurts to see you in pain it isn't because they don't care. It's hard to watch people you care about struggle, especially when there is little to be done. Sounds like they could be giving you a little more emotional support though. I'm not trying to take sides, just trying to get an accurate picture of what's going on. Are you unable to work? If so, how are you getting food and shelter? I only ask because if they aren't trying to kick you out then it's a pretty good sign they care.

There are so many ways to make money. If you can use a computer then there are ways to make money. They may not be readily apparent or available, and may require a lot of studying and practicing. But there are ways. CNC milling and lathing are becoming more and more popular, and it all utilizes computer programing to do it. Website design, software design, electrical engineering... so many things can be done from a computer. There are ways, might not be as quick and easy and middling some drugs, but typically far more rewarding and far greater longevity.

Have you ever worked with a therapist or counselor, outside of a mental health facility? Maybe someone would be willing to help you find someone to work through the issues driving you to this drastic measure.

There is almost always a solution or a way around a problem. Sometimes the greatest obstacle to overcome is those hopeless and overwhelming feelings. To overcome the despair of the reality of our situation, to decide to continue to struggle for hope and keep on looking for a way.

I can assure you there would be at least one person that would be very sad to hear that you followed through with this...

But I can ramble on forever, but I'd rather hear more about what is happening in your life. What is causing your physical pain?

 

[tacodude]

Tl : Dr yet...

People try to blame it on me and tell me it's a problem before they understand.... I fucking let anyone have it at this point and they agree it's fucked up and not on me and while they would like to see me manage it another way they agree if there's no other way it needs to be done. Even the addiction specialists all agree, but the doctors are afraid of the DEA and don't want to treat anyone with opiods more then one script especially someone with a history they know they can prescribe just under what they need to develop a dependency that will trigger a relapse to manage unmanaged pain.... Fucking doctor accused me of self medicating saying my 25 mg use of harmine a night I reported is not ok. I have no freedom and everything I say is denied by them right away so they can label me as seeking opioids drugs to manage emotional pain such as from when I was raped. They say they want to help with a straight face as it's not a lie, but they don't say who they want to help pretending they are insinuating me when the only ones they know they are trying to help is themselves. I'm not risking another month of this hell.... I'm going to overdose and hope it is what it is when I sleep.... Eternal nothingness... No me... No awareness... Just done and gone. I'm fine with that as I'll be at peace by not being anything at all.

 

[tacodude]

I've attempted every type of treatment, multiple detox, multiple ORT, multiple in patient psych hold, and nothing has helped me make progress besides having the opiod medication where I return to my retail job.

I have no access to other work nor would I know how. I need stability in the moment and can not provide two weeks of work to get a paycheck to buy the 40$-60$ a day of the local dope I need, which with 6 months of stability and things like physical therapy and non drug treatments I see myself being off opiods. No one will give me that chance though and I can't afford it myself... Hopefully I can afford enough to overdose next week as if it's not enough I'm not waiting any longer and I'm going to jump even if I risk not dying.

If I had the BTC to buy the dope off the darknet markets that could save me, but no one's going to transfer me coins. I'll prove it by posting a wallet here for donations that I'll never see anything show up in.

<snip>

If I had 200$ in BTC I'd be able to get 1 gram of pure #4 and use that to stabalize myself long enough to get the money I need returning to my job to continue maintaining obtaining and utalizing a stable dose as I pursue physical therapy and everything else until I can ween off using my 0.001 g scale to make sure I use a stable dose. No one would do that for me though even if they mined 500+ coins because everyone in this world seems to be here for themselves willing to screw over whoever to take care of themselves and being an easy target I usually end up screwed. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of life. I want it to end.

 

[tacodude]

Another fucked up thing just now.... Internet would not connect between two different networks, one with 5g add regular access, as well as my cell network all wouldn't connect to the internet together out of nowhere. I turn on the VPN and I connect fine like someone was intentionally blocking me. Every day is just getting more and more fucked up.... I want to die before I end up hurting someone in anger.... I literally wanted to stab the homeless lady that for damn near 6 years asks me for a quarter every day even though I tell her no and I'll never give it to her when she asks politely asking please stop asking only to keep doing it even after I call the cops on her even threatening to do something to her where she tells me to do it... I have a kitchen knife here I can easily stab into her leg giving her a fucking reason to need that walker.... I swear I'll kill myself before I hurt anyone else and I'm very close to attempting to hurt someone.

 

[Runningfox]

Pls go to the nearest hospital and be honest about these feelings. Otherwise you may very well hurt an innocent person. You don't sound stable right now.

 

[tacodude]

I'd kill myself before I hurt anyone else... The hospital has laughed at me as I walked out announcing I'd kill myself only to make an attempt that left me damaged yet failed.... You don't know anything at all. I'm gonna overdose Wednesday because I can do nothing to fix my situation and the people who can refuse to do so on the excuse I'm not doing enough when I've given up my life just to get support.

When I'm called a self medicating drug seeking abuser for using 25 mg harmine at night, which is a completely legal health supliment, I'm considered self medicating inappropriately.... Even if I took St John's wort from Safeway I'd be considered self medicating and refused opiods according to the lying bullshiting pain management doctor. Seriously don't fucking take my thoughts of what I or anyone could do as expression of intent to act as the main point I've always made to this lady is that she needs to watch how she harasses people as someone less stable would do something, calling the police telling them to handle her before I do, and yes saying shit to her mainly to scare her to stop abusing me.... I'd never stab her in the leg, but I sure as hell want to when she abuses me the way she does harassing me.

Anyone who tells me to go to the hospital obviously doesn't know me or how many times I've gone only to be mistreated. If anyone tells me advice like that I'm gone and not even trying anymore to find a solution to change my plans for Wednesday.

 

[tacodude]

I will add that lady is anything, but innocent. She's probably begging for money so she can get another crack rock... I don't assume that of all beggers, but definitely her.

 

[tacodude]

Obviously this will lead nowhere as no one can save me. I'm a horrible person in a horrible world that should end and deserve to die. I wish there wasn't a week of suffering just waiting for the resources to end my life, but there is nothing I can do to change that either. I want things to be fixed... I want things to happen now. Instead I'll get the money I need starting Friday to total the amount I need Wednesday and I'll buy the 100$+ worth of street dope and if I can find any fentanyl bags I'll add them into the shot I'll take with me where no one can find me when I warn them it will happen if they don't fix my life. It will end and I'll finally have peace. I'm ready to leave this plane of existence and I hope not to find another one

 

[Mafioso]

To be completely honest, it sounds like people are trying to help you but you are not making it easy. You say nothing helps your physical pain except dope, but you're not struggling with any substance use disorders. You also say that no sort of treatment helps, yet somehow enough dope will stabilize you enough so that physical therapy would help?

Sorry man, I don't buy it, and those sort of contradictions are probably what is making it difficult for anyone to really help. For instance, you say that not working is a problem and that you need stability, yet you are dismissive of any idea besides getting dope and going back to a retail job.

There are other ways to overcome physical pain besides opioid medication. And if a methadone clinic gives you so much medication you are complaining about it, yet you only want fast acting opioids, well it really starts to sound more and more like you are chasing a high.


Sometimes in order for things to change, you have to be willing to change as well. It's a little unrealistic to expect everyone else to change to suit you needs. Things like the doctor not wanting to give you opioid medication because of your history is nothing personal. I, and anyone else who has been to rehab,detox, etc, both go through the same thing.

Really man, I'd urge you to get immediate help followed by long term treatment.. If your family can help out, let them know that you want long term treatment for these feelings.

I know you say you have tried it all, but what do you have to lose from trying it again? Maybe this time things can be different.

 

[tacodude]

Wow fuck all of you. If dope was all I needed I could be fine taking the equivalent to 1.5 to 3-3 to 6 grams morphine equivalent with methadone as I need the equivalent of 210 mg morphine through the day (dosed orally) yet it doesn't help as it's not pain management nor do I want to just manage pain. I've been doing everything to treat this pain for 10 years now only making progress when I've had proper stable pain management. Seriously fuck all of you. I tried to be open, but it's just convinced me more to going through with overdosing and killing myself Wednesday.

I would've thought people here would know better. I'm fucking done.

 

[Mafioso]

Hey man I don't doubt you are in pain, but I just don't understand how only certain opioids work and nothing else. Maybe you could help me understand, but maybe I'm not the person to talk to about it either.

It doesn't make sense to me why other alternatives combined with physical therapy wouldn't help- why only a specific type of opioids.

I don't claim to have all the answers, but you have to be open to some sort of possibility. Even if there is nothing to be done about your pain, there is still hope and reason to live. But you have to be open to it.

 

[tacodude]

It's the fact Suboxone is a partial agonist and I never get full relief high or low dose.... Methadone had NMDA antagonism and is the only reason I can explain why I become emotionally unstable on it like I do using ketamine and mxe for a few days.

I haven't found another med that helps without affecting my ability to process thought causing more anxiety, affecting my ability to regulate emotion to avoid the suicidal ideation that unlike my plans now are impulsive and always fail, and worsen my issues of agoraphobia. Weed helps me bear the pain, but it doesn't make me functional.

I'm not saying only one thing will work... I'm just saying they won't even attempt to develop a plan that will work constantly making sure only to give me enough to develop a dependency then cutting me off to force me into withdrawals to attempt to push me into ORT for life. The doctors are the ones saying I'll need opiods for life maybe, that they will never be enough, and everything else attacking my character to deny my the treatment I need. They refuse MRI, they refuse to send me to specialists when I'm having spasms laying in bed because of my back, they refuse to acknowledge I can't even get out of bed in the morning to get the methadone without waiting hours for the pain of trying to sleep all night affecting me, and I can't even sleep at night making me more and more unstable. Hospitals won't help, detox won't help, therapy won't help, pain management will, and I know this as I've struggled with this now for more then 10 years trying to find alternatives having been on and off opioids 5+ times always within a month to relapse or be told to back to opiods because of the pain.

I'm killing myself Wednesday... This thread only convinced me more.

 

[tacodude]

Also I only take 10 mg methadone... Any more and the emotional instability is too much as I get visual distortions like blurred peripherals and purple trails.... Like the clinic cares... As well as only 4-6 hours pain relief and 12 hours withdrawals at best even at higher doses. I'm not going up to 100 mg just so they look at my metabolism test results to see if I need split dosing I did months ago as they lost all my clean urine showing I followed protocol, but made sure to mark the dirty tests. Fuck their manipulations, fuck this city, fuck this country, fuck this world

 

[tacodude]

Now I'm going to be hitting my head on the wall in 5 minutes or so to help me become unconcious and get through the night. It won't knock me out, but it's helped me sleep before.

 

[scubagirl200]

Because hanging myself with my dogs leash the Robert Williams way I've never been able to succeed.... I've tried.... Don't worry I'm just waiting for the money get enough dope, and possibly fent if I find it, so when I try to kill myself there's no chance I'll fail and I'll finally pass into peace. I'm actually much more relaxed and calm knowing I'm going to die next week rather than the uncertainty I've been dealing with this whole time of am I f going to suffer for life in this position or will I finally end up doing something out of all the effort I make daily to change things that does just that. It never does though. This will... This will end it all.

People are trying to talk and reason with you. Why be so dismissive of their suggestions?

Also, do you have someone to take care of your dog when you pass? Because that would be pretty shitty of you to kill yourself and leave your dog to be put down by the state....

 

[tacodude]

Yes I have plenty of people...b I'm dismissive as I've attempted these suggestions before.... I would think people would know me better on a forum I've been on for years.