Fox you misunderstand completely.... I don't live with my family, I attempted for my life up until 16 drug free only failing the whole time, once I began cannabis I went from being unhealthy to healthy yet that didn't matter to my family as they believe in abstainance to such a degree they didn't take me to doctors I should've seen as a child only to start blaming everything on cannabis making it impossible to see the doctor being a minor relying on them. They even threatened to kick me out of the house 3rd time smoking, but first time catching me as if I was a misbehaving child when most consider me sweet, kind, polite, and considerate. This was when I was 16 still a minor, which I argued was illegal as I wouldn't be able to find a place to live or get a job so I wasn't aloud to make it to 18 without my support being threatened that any child deserves if available, which it more then was.
I ended up dropping out of high school early to try to get an early start on college and get a job and earn my own money to find my own way as obviously I couldn't trust my family as they had been undermining me ever since I started the cannabis. So when I discovered opioids actually helped me be able to make effort more easily at my job, complete activities of daily living, and keep a pain in my lower back I remember I experienced in high school up until I smoked cannabis leading me to wonder about it and connect it to a couple incidents on a water slide and carrying my backpack one strap like a lazy idiot. So when I find something I know can be provided no cost under insurance, that was under my parents at the time, could help me stop using cannabis while I find a doctor to discuss the pain and how to treat it.
I was working with a mental health specialist who I went to for writing a MAPS article about MDMA that I was trying to talk to do my parents could respect my interest in chemistry I discovered through my experience extracting DMT. As well as my interest in psychology I had long before the drugs without saying someone who uses drugs can't study drugs essentially as the more educated I become the more I realize my focus is on neuropsychopharmacology and the area of personality development understanding abnormal development and their causes. In the end the psychiatrist, who was supposed to be playing the role of family counseling/individual psychotherapy specifically not figuring l focusing on drugs to prescribe, told my parents, "Talking will do no good. He won't take my drugs. Here's a program," passing a pamphlet obviously he recieved money for referrals. That was the beginning of the end where he gave them a false duel diagnosis while revealing to them I use opiods without my knowledge. Because of that they spent the next month making things harder and harder for me wherever they can until I broke down and did what any of my family would do growing up, but being the youngest and the "black sheep," they lied to the police to have them put me in the hospital where they hoped to force drug treatment on me while naming every red flag from excessive drug use, suicide, and aggression when none was even close to the truth. I actually only started attempting to kill myself after the incident.
To say the least you don't know shit Fox from the post where you label your issues. I would not only have a job, volunteer in the community, and actually live off my own money if I wasn't attacked for being addicted to pain relief where it started with cannabis, lead to opiods, led to an abusive relation, led to rape, led to identify theift, and led to any stupid choice I made in hopes to find long term support to stabalize and successfully pursue physical therapy and other treatment methods to end the need for maintain the pain. I have been off opioids for long periods during this now 5 years heroin, 7 years opiod dependency, and 10 years utalizing substances.
I was taught what I'm about to point out as institutionalized racism/prejudice or ignorant/unintended racism/prejudice. Basically you're assuming the worst of me for the choices I made as if I didn't think about every aspect and feel horrible going throughout... Yes I fucking walked out the hospital with the thoughts "Fuck life, Fuck these doctors, fuck this pain, fuck the dependency, fuck this stress, fuck this hopelessness" announcing to them I was going to kill myself only for them to laugh thinking I was just trying to manipulate them for the drugs when yes; I wanted the opiods that the doctor should've sent to the pharmacy to manage my pain and take me out of withdrawals, but really I wanted the disrespect and neglect to end so I could succeed to live rather then scrape by and exist. So I slammed my head into the door wanting to die yet not, knowing it would fail yet be evidence of self harm, and told the front desk again walking out at a normal pace a good 10 blocks just waiting for a sign to stop.
After calling 5 people only telling me to put myself through the hospital bullshit again alone so not knowing where to jump 100 feet to garuntee death I walked up a block to a main road, crossed two lanes in the green, and froze seeing the headlamps thinking "this is going to be bad, but I'm here" accepting I might die probably being the only reason I was okay letting go and going limp rather than tightening up hitting my right as my shoulder hit the window cracking it as I slid off the hood as the stopped and landed on my head... I got up and started walking thinking, "it didn't work... Where am I going to succeed?" As 4 people jumped out of the car along with someone on the corner begging me to stop where I collapsed on the sidewalk only able to cry and apologize as they only thought of me holding my head making sure I didn't get whiplash after ruining their drive home from dinner as the ambulance came. I told the officer exactly what happened, it was my fault, they are not liable, and just complied with questions and then had to wait through the ambulance ride, getting set up in the ER, explaining what has happened, and being asked if I wanted fentanyl or dilaudid where I told them I don't want them die of overdose so dilaudid. The first injection of 1 mg stopped me from screaming in pain yet a half hour later I hit full withdrawals, which oddly coincided with a nurse flushing my rig and I assume without narcan as the doctors would not have questioned why I was screaming again as the pain returned while I started sweating bullets feeling hot/cold to extremes. 2 mg had me a little better and after making sure my ankle wasn't broken I recieved another 2 mg, which kept me stable for 6 hours.
So yes they had a car accident because I intentionally tried to kill myself.... Are you really going to argue semantics with someone who has a history of suicide attempts obviously struggling with intent at this point in remission at best? That's the problem with people who are supposed to help these days.
Anyways I appreciate the supportive words and advice. I'm going to continue and hope this stuff I need arrives and works out so I can go back to my job and sustain my management myself while engaging in treatment. I just need the diagnosis. Now please let me finish reading and correcting all this shit you're insinuating about me before you continue talking shit about me like I'm a selfish asshole as you all don't know me. Ever think I have thought to kill myself yes for personal peace, but also because I can only accept myself as a problem to everyone else with the way I'm treated and find the best answer to the problem if it can not be fixed is to remove it. Serriously if one doesn't understand how the intention can be not selfish they can't understand what one may be going through to develop this thought therefore not know how to prevent it from happening or undo it. I welcome criticizm, but it needs to constructive and not to make yourself feel better reading the situation attempting to convince yourself it's not as depressing, hopeless, and sad as I make it out to me by insinuating and trying to convince everyone it's not hopeless and just the fault of laziness from myself. Fuck anyone who thinks that as I they will never understand what I went through and I wish they don't have to and that no one ever goes through it again. That's why I want to study neuropsychopharmacology...
So no one goes through the neglect and pain I did. So there's someone motivated to be educated to be able to be there for and help others, which can not happen if I can't help myself while I need help that I, like many others who don't deserve the neglect and deserve the exact same support I ask for anyone deserves, are unable to recieve it as those meant the provide it are too afraid of over restrictive sources of access and providers refusing to provide for the sake of themselves and their job as it's not too give others what they refuse me, as I'm not assuming I'm treated especially worse then anyone else, just the usual worst that destroys many lives.
