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Thread: New grlfriend sending me mixed signals!! We are in love but not on solid ground!

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    New grlfriend sending me mixed signals!! We are in love but not on solid ground! 
    #1
    Hello friends!! I was hoping some of your experiences could maybe shed some light on my situation.

    So I mess Jess 5 months ago. I'm 30 and shes 36, but I'm the older one in most ways and she looks up to me. I'm everything she always wanted in a man, and shes everything I always needed in a woman. I've had good luck finding beautiful sexy dangerous ones. This girl is beautiful and sexy but also just a really great person, but more importantly she is a really freaking good friend. We were friends for like 4 months and been dating for.

    It all happened when I delivered some trees to her house one night. We ended up breaking the ice physically, and the chemistry was just WOW! Neither of us had any idea we were heading that way. If anythign she had a bit of a heads up because she was realizing that she was catching feelings. B4 she even got a chance to say anything we kissed tho. And like I said what a kiss. I've kissed many beautiful women, but this was by far the best kisses I have ever had. Crazy right? Well she felt that way too. We just had some insane chemistry going on. Something other worldly. Something so good that even tho both of us were not ready for a relationship, we were just like "what the fuck was that, we have to act on that!" So we have. We have been hanging out more and more and getting more intimate. We have had sex a few times, but more intimate than that is all the foreplay we engage in and how we have sex. I feel closer with her in many ways than I did with my ex of 5 years. Also we ask eachothe rdeep questions about our lives and shit. Things have moved pretty fast. We were already good friends and I was super excited to have her as a friend b4hand. So when we figured out we had chemistry, I dnno, shit just kinda popped off and we were actively trying to slow shit down too, but it just wasnt having too much affect lol.

    So here is the problem. She has been sexuall abused when she was a child. And the crazy thing is that she didnt even know until we got together. Its one of these cases where the mind edits out the shit that happened. Something about being around my energy allows her to heal. But here is the crazy part, her healing is hurting her. Everytime we are together it just keeps bringing more shit up for her. The reason for that is I have a healing touch. I have special hands that really heal people and can make anyone feel deeply loved and appreciated and relaxed. So its having a profound effect on her. Also she is madly in love with me. And not unjustifiably so. I've been the perfect man for her in so many ways. Its been easy. I've wanted to give her that. The thing is, she is so afraid of the situation sometimes. She even told me its not me shes afraid of, its the shit that comes up. Everytime we get a little deeper, she runs. The worst thing about it is I think shes using christianity as like a wedge when shes feeling super threatened. She knows me and christianity dont really jive. Which I''m trying to chill out on. I'm trying to stop being so judgemental about religion, because I know its not all bad. But I'm not used to it. all im used to is bashing religion lol. I'm a fucking recovering heroin addict lol. Church and I dont exactly mix. Thats what I mean, this girl is like the worst christian anyway. She doesnt know shit about christianity. She has her own little version of it in her head. She agrees with so little about christianity its astonishing that she even reps it. As far as I can tell, the thing she really agrees with most is that jesus lived and hes the son of god cuz he claimed it. Which I think is madness. So sometimes I come off too harsh, even tho my goal is to ultimately respect her beliefs. 99 percent of everything we do and talk about is fine! We never have problems about anything els. I'm sad because I feel like she is being manipulated by the church. She makes me hate the church even more when she uses it to put between us when shes feeling threatened. So here is the situation

    Yesterday afternoon we had a great walk and talk together. We talked about our relationship. We were trying to give eachother like a week or so to think, but made it like 2 days b4 we just wanted to talk and be together and whatever. It was hard for her to go a day. On the walk she mentioned how she saw 2 old people in love and she said it was sweet seeing them in love because she also was in love. She keeps asking me if its fair to be with me while shes going through stuff because of whats coming up with the sexual abuse stuff. I told her look that shit wasnt there when we got together, its sometihng that has come up, and im not the type of person to just leave the people i care about when shit comes up. I told her that I will give her the space to deal with it on her own while being supportive. I told her the question wasnt weather it was fair, but instead its am I willing to go through this with u and I said absolutely without a doubt I want to be there for u and am willing to go through this with her. She said u dont know how happy that makes me. I felt like that was the only thing that was really holding us back and now that we both knew I was ready for that, I felt like we were good. I felt like our future wasnt so much in question now.

    So yesterday at 10pm we end up talking and she starts talking about an experience where she went outside a church with her guitar and some lady come up to her asking for a heaven song and jess happened to have one. The lady needed it for a funeral and asked her and her friend to play for them. They obliged and jess acted like it was divine intervention, and I was just like what the heck u were outside of a church playing guitar and a church person came along and asked u to play a song about church. Go figure. I was rude like that even I think. Shame on me. I was rude to her. I argued with her about something I dont even wanna argue with her about. What made me act liek that is she was putting religion in between us again. ACting as if her religious path would some how take her on a path different to mine. I mean fine! But dont tell me earlier that day how much u are in love with me and how everything is going to be ok. I even told her earlier that week. Like look if u are going to talk about religion like because of it me and u r not going to be together than we should stop now because its gonna break my heart.

    What did she do that night? She slept with me and said she had a feeling everything was gonna be ok. So i thought this church matter was kinda to rest.... heres the part that really makes me feel foolish. Since we have gotten together, whenever we get mrore intimate, she gets a bit more scared and tries to find things to put in between us. I should b used to it by now. It never lasts long and just seems like shes under s spell for a bit. I think its trauma. I get that. I'm a fucking recovering heroin addict. Its not lik eim looking for a trauma free girl. So yesterday, in my heated nonsense I was like "jess it sounds like your breaking up with me" I was like ok we GOTTA do this now, kinda trying to rip the band aid off, but I wasn tthinking., I'm not trying to rip the band aid off lol. Im trying to go through this kinda bs with this girl. Thats what I had just said earlier and its what I genuinely want, and now here I am at the first site of something not being fair to me im tripping out and talking about leaving. So even tho I said I would b there through the strange behaviour that is recovering from ptsd, i wasnt when it counted. I didnt even notice it. I thought it was actually about religion! Heres the thing tho, I never hear a peep about religion when shes not super afraid of getting intimate. U see she never had anyone in her life who knows how to touch lovingly like i do. I will literally lay in bed and have forplay for the whole night until the sun comes up. I'm the type of guy who whenever I'm with someone I love, my hands are on them. Not cuz im clingy, just cuz its the way I am and people love it lol. I mean who doesnt like getting massaged casually everytime your laying down next to your S.O. but the thing is she has never had that, so its bringing all this shit up for her and I think its coming out in weird ways that I don't get right away and now I think I put her on the spot and when I said so we are breaking up, she said yes, but she didnt even call me to break up lol. She just called me to get support b4 she went to sleep. I feel terrible now. I know we love eachother for real tho. Not just that, I know that were really good for eachother. I can be myself around her 99 percent of time.

    I hope that its possible to make some sense of that!! I love this girl very much and I am pursuing her not because of the chemicals that flood my brain, but because I really want to live life with this girl because we have amazing chemistry and because shes one of my best friends.

    THanks guys!
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    #2
    Dude that was a novel. Just saying. I dont think you can change someones beliefs in religion with logic and reasoning. I can see how someone touching her could trigger her. Im trying to think of a way to put it that makes more sense maybe imagine watching a long documentaries sometimes all night about shooting snorting and smoking heroin and opiates. You might bug out a little.
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    #3
    That wasnt a good example. Oo well i tried
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    #4
    Bluelighter traybuck's Avatar
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    Aug 2010
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    Sorry dude that's just more reading then I'm willing to do. Hope you figure it out
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    #5
    Bluelighter Larimar's Avatar
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    Jan 2018
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    Sounds like she has a lot of baggage and emotional stuff I would not want to deal with so early on in a relationship. The first year or so should be awesome like a honeymoon, it's only been a few months and there is already all these issues , not a good sign , that's prob why she was 36 and still single .
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    #6
    So you told her you were ready to except her baggage basically and then couldn't. What do you want to know? One thing to say you'll be all understanding and there for her while she goes through her trauma shit, a totally different thing to actually do it.
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    #7
    Bluelighter SamanthaB's Avatar
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    Sep 2017
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    Well, I wish I had a magic wand to make this relationship what you want it to be. Your girlfriend has very big issues regarding her abuse and religion. These are things that are going to take a lot of work and time to work through with a competent therapist. Unfortunately, unless you have a lot of years to wait until she resolves those issues, I would advise you to move on to someone whose mental status is more similar to your own. Otherwise; you are giving up a lot of good years of your life where you could be in a great relationship with someone who does not have all this baggage. In addition, when she comes out the other side of all her therapy, she may decide you are not really what she wants. That would be a very hard pill to swallow if you spent many years trying to be there for her being supportive, sacrificing a lot of your needs, life, etc. In a nutshell, you met this person at the wrong time and are a mismatch.

    I wish you nothing but the best and hope you are able to move on.
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