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Living In Hell And Need Some Advice

It seems like you already know exactly what the issue is here: stress

Let me explain. By stress, I really mean trauma. It might not be the kind of trauma involving your leg getting blown off by an IED, but post traumatic stress type issues (which sound a lot like what you just described) don't necessitate the most dramatic, extreme forms of trauma.

You may or may not have a history of major major, I couldn't say without getting to know you better. From what you have shared with us, it's pretty clear to me what you're struggling with is very similar (if not the same) as PTSD.

For instance, how do I explain... Um...

Okay so with me, for years and years I desperately wanted not to use drugs (namely, heroin, cocaine, etc). I was acutely aware of the harm my drug use was causing those I loved.

Knowing I was causing people I loved harm, even if they weren't always aware of what I was doing, that was always very painful for me. I didn't have the tools I needed in order to cope in healthy ways with this kind of discomfort (it's almost like what they call secondary traumatization), so I would end up going back to drugs to try and cope with the discomfort involved in hating myself.

Yet, coping via illegal drug use and hating one's self are probably not very effective/sustainable self care strategies.

So what I'm try to say is that you'd benefit from exploring other ways of reducing stress. Stress includes the stress of daily living as you experience day to day quality of life right now. It will also probably include, but ONLY when YOU decide you're ready to do so, to go back and look at the stuff that is causing you to feel so disregulated and stressed out without drugs right now.
 
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Like tpd said, stress and /or guilt may be a huge factor in feeling so mentally n emotionally disjointed right now. But opiates (*and I would assume other substances as well ) can take quite a toll on how your brain functions on a daily basis. No drug or medication EVER has only one singular affect on the mind or body. They are numerous. So take opiates: while they do bind to your pain receptors and block you from Noticing the level of physical pain your body is actually experiencing, the opiates also Slowwwww Dowwwwn a myriad of your physical mental and emotional body processes. Notice how your bowel slows down n you dont poop as often..... notice how most things don't "bother you" or annoy you or elicit as quick an emotional response as they might have before you were into using opiates....notice how more n more often you catch yourself having a slower reflexive response to things or a word or concept seems on the tip o' yer tongue but you can't say it..... a memory is itching at the surface but you can't seem to grasp it and actually Think about it.

All drugs have side effects and a mental/ emotional slow-down is Certainly one I experienced while using opiates long term . The good news IS that these effects are not life-long; they were not life-long for myself anyway so I know first hand that after a good stretch of clean time, your neurons CAN start firing again at a more normal speed as well as your physical reflexes n body processes can return to their baseline. Emotions are hard to gauge because they quite possibly will be Forever altered. I mean this in the sense that now that you have experienced drug dependency you can't ever un-experience it. This does change a person but those changes can be for the better. In the long run emotions can even out and with therapy n educating yourself, as well as staying off addictive substances , you can come out on the other side a very happy and healthy person. It takes time n hard work. And Support.

In short: I don't think you've done irreversible brain damage. I think the stress n frustration of knowing youre ready to get clean n not quite having all the support you need (*ie the Shitty doctor you saw) ..


It's all just piling up

You can recover. Keep lookin for a better fit as far as a prescriber; also seek a good counsellor . They can assess your situation n.point you in the best direction for services In your area.
An In patient detox is rarely a BAD idea. You may wanna consider it. But I would see an actual substance abuse counsellor for a full assessment first
That's about a two hour appt -- a sit-down with a pee test. Be honest. You do yourself no favors if you don't tell them the full truth.
 
More beautiful advice from you guys, it?s so appreciated. I thought I would give you an update. Went through withdrawal for around 30 hours before my dealer was back in stock, of course I succumbed to my feelings and purchased a dose, 210 mg. Felt instantly better, and then regret that followed, and depression. There is some good/bad news however, after listening very carefully to what most of you have told me, and the advice given, I?m 100% dedicated to get into in patient detox. I did some research and found a suitable place that is local to me with a great staff and excellent reviews, as well as talking to several people that where treated there. On to the bad news, because I was so preoccupied with getting high I let my health insurance run out and forgot to renew it. Of course, the detox center called me tonight and said they had a bed ready for me, to my dismay I was declined when I gave her my health care information. My wife is helping me tackle this first thing in the morning and I?m praying they will renew it instantly, I?m ready....and when I say I?m ready I mean it, im ready for the healing to begin, I?m ready to stop telling lies and focus on making my family hole again, I don?t honestly know how I would have done this without the support of freinds, family, and all you beautiful folk that have given me such sound advice. I?m still a little scared to go in, but being scared is a good reminder that I can still feel emotions other then being high. I will keep everyone updated, thank you so much for everything.
 
No worries about the slip up Pinto, onward and upward!

I thing it's really great you are going to get into in patient detox. Make sure you get the insurance settled ASAP okay? I am so happy to hear your strong desire to clean up for good, your family deserves this and so do you!!!

Keep us updated please, wishing you the very best and I know you can do this pinto!

Here for you anytime,
your friend Ash.

pintopowered said:
More beautiful advice from you guys, it?s so appreciated. I thought I would give you an update. Went through withdrawal for around 30 hours before my dealer was back in stock, of course I succumbed to my feelings and purchased a dose, 210 mg. Felt instantly better, and then regret that followed, and depression. There is some good/bad news however, after listening very carefully to what most of you have told me, and the advice given, I?m 100% dedicated to get into in patient detox. I did some research and found a suitable place that is local to me with a great staff and excellent reviews, as well as talking to several people that where treated there. On to the bad news, because I was so preoccupied with getting high I let my health insurance run out and forgot to renew it. Of course, the detox center called me tonight and said they had a bed ready for me, to my dismay I was declined when I gave her my health care information. My wife is helping me tackle this first thing in the morning and I?m praying they will renew it instantly, I?m ready....and when I say I?m ready I mean it, im ready for the healing to begin, I?m ready to stop telling lies and focus on making my family hole again, I don?t honestly know how I would have done this without the support of freinds, family, and all you beautiful folk that have given me such sound advice. I?m still a little scared to go in, but being scared is a good reminder that I can still feel emotions other then being high. I will keep everyone updated, thank you so much for everything.
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6/14/18, and the happiest I?ve been to say I?m now 10 days clean and sober. Inpatient detox/rehab, with the use of Subs. I started at 8mg, twice, then jumped to 6 for one day, then right to 4 for 2 days, and ended at 2mg. After the first day I decided to take the sub only once a day, the nurses were very surprised how well my body reacted to it, I ended up not taking 5 doses I was suppose to, I did excellent and will never touch a pain killer a day in my life. I am going to point out, after they pulled my urine report, I was tested hot for Benzos/opioids. Turns out I was buying laced pills the past 4 weeks, re-presses that would have ended up killing me, the doctor told me it explained why my body started to react the way it did to them, and I?m lucky to be alive. I want to thank this page, this was the first place I reached out, and I was given the courage to go and get clean. I feel alive, not chained anymore, and have finally found innner peace within myself.
 
Glad it worked out. Just be aware that withdrawal gets worse Everytime you go through it
 
I did have one last question, what can I expect as far as the Sub withdrawal? My third day free of Subs I felt light withdrawal for half the day, today I felt pretty damn good, just sore and weak. Is there anything I should be doing to help myself?
 
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