Warning: I took 3 grams of phenibut so no idea how this will affect my post.
Feel free to ask the most personal questions you have, I'm anonymous here after all.
What causes my anxiety? It's complicated. I had to fight all my life, I've been betrayed by everybody I've known including the closest people to me. Ran away at age 15 and lived on my own since. Learned to treat everybody like a predator in this fucked up capitalist system where everybody is out to fuck over everybody. So spending all these years having to always watch my back and assume everybody is plotting to exploit me has taken its toll. The more I got to know someone the more disgusted I became of them after they always turn out to be the same greedy, selfish sack of shit everybody else is, so I developed an aversion to close relationships and people in general.
But all this isolation also harmed my social skills and I'm guessing it's the cause of my poor self-awareness.
So to answer your question, my anxiety is very hard-wired and unconscious. I'm often unaware that I'm anxious/paranoid in the first place. I have little awareness of my own behavior and I'll notice the behavior of others first. Even when I do hard drugs, I don't notice that I'm acting any different. From my point of view, those around me start acting weird, keep asking me the same questions and then get extremely frantic.
When I IV'd some oxytocin a year ago, everyone all of a sudden was smiley and friendly towards me. It never occurred to me that my behavior/body language was being altered by the drug and others were reacting to the vibes I was sending off.
You get what I'm saying? I can't point to anything specific that's making me anxious. All I know is I live in a fucked up world that seeks to use us, abuse us and toss us when we can't be used anymore. But the problem is my once-conscious cynicism has now become hard-wired so it's no longer in my control. It's become part of my gut instinct to be anxious and constantly be on edge about everything. To escape that, I have to ignore my gut instict and use logical processing to get by which is extremely exhausting and as my bosses are noticing: it's making me take forever to accomplish anything when I'm unable to do things intuitively.
It isn't one thing that makes me dysfunctional, it's everything. The fact that I have little self-awareness just complicates this bullshit to infinity because I have to rely on the subjective feedback of people I both hate and distrust.
My stuttering isn't horrible but I'm pausing inbetween sentences more often because I fear of saying the wrong thing, especially when so many of these anxiolytics I tried warn of causing disinhibition.
Might also have something to do with the memory problems I've been noticing. The doc did warn that benzos will do all these things, especially the insomnia. I do take tryptophan before bed each time which he did say is also used as sleeping aid (I use it to control my mood swings) so perhaps I became tolerant and dependent on that shit.
With regards to agoraphobia. I've been a shut-in for a very long time but only the last few years did my anxiety become noticeable. I'm not afraid of leaving the house per se, just see no point in doing so unless there's a specific purpose.
I asked for the klonopin specifically because I wanted something longer lasting than lorazepam but not something with a ridiculously long one like valium (which didn't help me anyway). I mean I could've asked him for xanax but I doubt he'd give it to me and I assumed since it has a shorter half-life than lorazepam that it would just be a transient fix that'd wear off during the second half of my shift. Would I be incorrect?
I certainly wouldn't be taking klonopin at work that's most likely why your self awareness has declined noticeably.
My self-awareness has always been shit, I've only taken klonopin since last week.
"In terms of advice to your doctor for being on treatment for SSRI's that's something you'll have to decide."
You don't understand, I don't have a choice in this. The bureaucracy here for treating anxiety is to put you on SSRIs and when they don't work they put you on benzos and when that doesn't work they put you on harder stuff.
I'm trying to get around this somehow. I agree that feigning allergy probably won't do shit. I'm either gonna have to allow them to give me SSRIs, wait 8 weeks and then tell them they didn't work or buy some gabapentin/benzos from a dealer.
Your diagnosis sounds about right though I disagree about the depression. I am not depressed. I had no idea what depression even felt like until I experienced some post-MDMA dysphoria and the downswings after I developed bipolar disorder.
Are you taking any prescription medication, illicit drugs or supplements currently or as of lately?
I take 1g tryptophan every day to control mood swings, I take 1g klonopin on workdays (i'll run out in about a week) and some vitamin D since I don't get much sunshine.
As for staying off everything, I've done that from 2009-2017 and my anxiety has been getting more prevalent, not less. In 2015 I had the exact same job as I do now but at a different workplace and I was fired in 2 months because I couldn't get a grip on myself and couldn't accomplish anything.
This is why I asked for an anxiolytic when I was about to be hired for this job in 2017. The difference was night and day. I was fucking flying. A strict manager that everybody hates was praising me.
And holy shit I am spilling my guts the hell out. I'm raving on like a drunkard. I'm not normally like this. nevertheless, everything I typed is the truth and I hope it was helpful because I really need help. I love molly and hate how thse bureaucratic fucks insist on sticking SSRIs up my ass.,
I guess i will allow them to prescribe me, i'll pay for the piece of shit prescription and pretend to be taking them. when the 8 weeks are up, i'll ask for some xanax or whatever else you guys can recommend that is molly-friendly.
really appreciate you showing interest and concern for me. but i should stop typing, I feel dizzy
