TDS "Addicted" to heavy meds

[burnergod]

There is something wrong with me, I've been always addicted to film related to mental illness, specially Shutter Island. I don't know why, the whole argument fascinates me. At a point that I've tried to take my hands on almost every drug ever mentioned in TV, the hardest one was obviously Chlorpromazine, I don't count Rhoypnol because that is something that I doubt I will ever have the occasion to try and it's hard to get.
Now don't get me wrong I'm not making the Schizofrenia argument something light, I imagine some of the users here may somehow have to deal with it, in a way or in another, but I can't get it off my head.
Even without having a mental condition, I was taking, even large doses of Antipsychotics, like Levomepromazine, Chlorpromazine, Haloperidol, Olanzapine and most of times mixed with a good amount of benzos. I remember blacking out for even 2 days, sleeping in weird places, cooking while sleeping and other shit like somebody throwed at my head a huge brick everytime. And I kinda liked this type of "high" which I don't know if it's normal, considered most of people look for an euphoric high, like cocaine/amphetamines/meth.
Now I reduced a lot the use of these antipsychotics, I kinda understand it's not a joke messing with the brain like this, with unnecesssary meds.
Let's say I'm sober now. But I know I will relapse sooner or later, looking for that state of high confusion, drowsiness, sonnambulism. Probably if I have to choose between a strong MDMA trip or a zombie status, I would pick the second one.
So ye, what's wrong with me? Anyone else feeling like this?

 

[Static-77]

I recommend you have someone watch over you when you're in this state before you hurt yourself. Personally i hate anti-psychotics but i've taken up to half a gram of DPH a couple of times for the delirious effects and find it very interesting all the weird shit that happens and a lot of people really hate anti-histamines, but i like the zombie like irrational mental state.

 

[Mafioso]

I've only taken anti psychs while going through a psychotic episode and it was low doses, but I used to love taking high doses of benzos. I've blacked out for weeks at a time. I think I can understand where you are coming from. I've only spoken about it with less than a handful of people because it is very hard to communicate and understand for most. Honestly, there is something that I loved about psychosis. It's extremely bipolar and schizophrenic, but in a way it's almost like the mania induced by a heavy dose of hallucinogen. You experience both the nightmarish anxiety and fear of mania as well as the dopamine rush and euphoric mania. But more so, it's a feeling of disconnection- a surreal feeling that you have walked into another world and left your body behind.

What is your life like when you are not using meds? Is there something you want to escape from? Is there a lot of anger or sadness? For me, I love it because you can't feel sad, lonely, depressed, or anything when you are completely numb and dead to the world. It was like a rolelrcoaster where I was just trying to hold on to my sanity, or riding a bull but you are trying to hold on to reality while it tries to buck you off..

 

[burnergod]

What is your life like when you are not using meds? Is there something you want to escape from? Is there a lot of anger or sadness? For me, I love it because you can't feel sad, lonely, depressed, or anything when you are completely numb and dead to the world.

Pretty much this, killing all the emotions is probably what I'm looking for when taking these meds. But also the sleep effect because I have sleep problems and also obsessive dreams, and with these bombs I sleep like a baby and I woke up with no memories of the dream (or the last evening). The day after is very calm, I would say depressed, and many times this causes me to take amphetamine to wake me up from the zombie status.

 

[burnergod]

I relapsed, I couldn't sleep, it was 4 am and I was still awake from the morning, I wanted to sleep so hard. I took 100mg of Chlorpromazine and I felt asleep. Obviously the day after I was a bit zombie but well its the price to pay for that. Also it's better I stop messing with my brain with these bombs, I noticed a small parkinson on me several times, and correct me if I'm wrong, most of antipsychotics cause parkinson. So yea better be careful.

 

[swilow]

^What do you mean by a "small Parkinson"? If you are getting trembles or shaking, especially around your mouth (and any other problems with your jaw, etc.) I suggest you really try and stop taking antipsychotics. Some of this stuff is irreversible. Not trying to scare you, but you need to be aware and I think there might be less risky ways to 'deaden' your emotions.

I am prescribed seroquel (but I hate it) and have found it useful for sleep. Its 'safer' than some of the meds you've been taking. I would suggest some form of therapy to see if you can break the urge to stop feeling. I know that feeling all too well myself and have been going to a therapist every two weeks for a few months now- its helping me too.

All the best

 

[burnergod]

About parkinson: it's not a case like I don't know, M.J.Fox, but for example today I was holding the phone backwards to let my friend see the screen and my hand started to shake for some seconds, in fact he even asked "why are you shaking?". These meds are the hell.
The mouth is ok by the way, I don't shake at all, unless i'm on mdma

 

[Mafioso]

Those are some pretty heavy meds to be taking just to fall asleep. I'm not familiar with the drugs you mention, but know they come with an array of some potentially very serious side effects. The depressive/sedative effects are basically what the drugs are meant to do. They will make you very zombie-like if you are not supposed to take them.

Are you prescribed these meds, or are you getting them by other means? If you are prescribed them and they are not working as they are meant or having troubling side effects you should talk to your psychiatrist. Otherwise.. stop taking them man. I use weed for about the same things you mention- trouble sleeping, troubling dreams. Cannabis has side effects too, but way less than anti-psychotics if you don't actually need anti-psychs.

 

[Mafioso]

Yeah fucking around with those meds might put you in a place where you actually need them.. Xanax(alprazolam) and other benzos aren't much better. I've been psychotic a few times from those little pills. Nearly destroyed my life completely with them. Be careful stepping off them. Defintely wouldn't cold turkey off that dose. Look into benzo tapering, there is already a lot of info on this site. I can help you find it if you need, just PM me or ask here. Be careful, that is a dangerous game to play.

 

[Mafioso]

Yeah never heard of anyone tripping while on benzos, it's when people try to come off benzos too quickly/too high of a dose that shit goes haywire.

Unless you are freaking out or have no tolerance, benzos are pretty lame. They are good at killing intense emotions, but offer almost no euphoria/pleasure if your emotions are flat or low.

You might want to find a way to intervene on yourself sooner than later. This type of stuff won't go on for long before things start to get worse, IME. Take care.