Finally learning to accept my failure

[falsifiedhypothesi]

In my teens i was always very apathetic, i never put effort into anything. My most recent mushroom trip was one of the most benign i've had, but it gave me some very helpful insight into my past and the workings of my subconscious mindset.

I was always afraid of my true potential, i believe it was the way my parents raised me that caused me to not want to try. I was afraid that my best would only be mediocre, so i chose mediocrity to save myself the disappointment. I don't blame my parents, they've always been loving and accepting and i know they did the best they could.

I always justified my lack of interest and motivation with depression. Now i realize it wasn't depression holding me back, it was me (fits some cliche im sure). Now i'm in the position to change my life but i still am without the motivation to act on it.

It frustrates me everyday, i want to go back to school, i want to get out of my current career, and i don't want to ask for help. It overwhelms me, how much time i've wasted, i'm still wasting time and it's eating me from the inside out. It won't feel right to me unless i pave my own way but i don't know where to begin and every day that passes feels like another opportunity wasted.

I've had this on my mind for a little while now. This is mostly venting, like i said i don't like taking help, but i appreciate anyone who responds.

 

[ibetweaking]

Depression and being suicidal can actully lead to great success here ill tell u my story:
I thought i was gonna die alone and be a nobody meth head the rest of my life and i stopped caring about my life next day robbed a weedman for a halfpound at gunpoint and sold the weed got some money and bought a re up of crack and started selling that

then later in life i found another hidden talent hacking and thats how i pay for my dope now

Give it time try new things no matter what those things are keep in mind there is no such thing as wrong and right

 

[herbavore]

Depression and being suicidal can actully lead to great success here ill tell u my story:
I thought i was gonna die alone and be a nobody meth head the rest of my life and i stopped caring about my life next day robbed a weedman for a halfpound at gunpoint and sold the weed got some money and bought a re up of crack and started selling that

then later in life i found another hidden talent hacking and thats how i pay for my dope now
... keep in mind there is no such thing as wrong and right

I think we all know that the concept of "wrong" is hurting others and "right" usually comes down to not hurting someone else as a way to enrich, empower or indulge oneself. I would consider robbing someone wrong and that goes for using a gun or your computer.

@OP:I get what you are talking about and I have operated under that very same frustrating mindset (if I don't try that hard I can't fail). I think it is a pretty common human defense. There is a lot of focus in pop-psychology right now on learning how to embrace failure. It makes talking about it seem trite but it really is worth going exploring how to do that for yourself. Science is a field that has always embraced failure as a process leading to knowledge. If only we could all be our best scientific selves, right? Good artists also embrace process over product. I guess my best advice is to try to start in an area of your life that is perhaps less daunting than your career and to take a big risk and monitor your feelings and your thoughts as you pursue the goal. Maybe once you get some real life experience with not blaming yourself for failures, not scurrying for the familiar comfort of mediocrity, you will create some different pathways for yourself. It sounds like you had a powerful insight and now you have a choice: act on it or push it back down.

 

[nuttynutskin]

Depression and being suicidal can actully lead to great success here ill tell u my story:
I thought i was gonna die alone and be a nobody meth head the rest of my life and i stopped caring about my life next day robbed a weedman for a halfpound at gunpoint and sold the weed got some money and bought a re up of crack and started selling that

then later in life i found another hidden talent hacking and thats how i pay for my dope now

Give it time try new things no matter what those things are keep in mind there is no such thing as wrong and right

Oh yeah, those are great life goals.

 

[nuttynutskin]

Falsified... I think I can relate. I'm not sure if I was ever afraid of my potential but the way I was raised made me apathetic and lazy and not know how to succeed in various life shit. That obviously caused problems, and now I'm 35 with no real life goals or motivation other than music. I know some of it is due to my mental problems, but I think some of it is also because I was never really given the tools to succeed so to speak.