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Thread: Constantly relapsing and negative thoughts

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    Constantly relapsing and negative thoughts 
    #1
    I messed up after 8 days and smoked some H again. I'm not doing too good. I have 24 Dihydrocodeine 30mg and was thinking about taking 3 in the morning and 3 late afternoon and cutting down by one tablet per day until I'm clean. I know it's still going to be difficult but with the Dihydrocodeine I'm hoping I can take the edge off for the first few days. Does anyone have any ideas? I could do with some advice because I'm not doing great at the moment. I was thinking about doing it differently but I don't know how my kids would cope. I think after a couple of months they'll start forgetting about me. Even doing that I would have to do it away from everyone because I don't want to traumatize whoever finds me. I know it's a last resort and I'm not even near that point yet. Any tips on the Dihydrocodeine would be greatly appreciated. I was thinking about using Loperamide with Zantac combined with the Dihydrocodeine and tapering off everything within a week.
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    #2
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    Hey Billy

    I am glad that you made it back, and you are doing the right thing by telling on your addiction. Some people out there are not so lucky to get 2nd, 3rd and 12th chances like most of us.

    Sounds like you need to process those feelings, and work on eliminating the guilt, shame and remorse.

    I can say thay you are not alone. Those negative thoughts will get better over time. Just do not give up the good fight.
    ...
    Have you ever considered a medication called Vivatrol? Or possibly something like Suboxone to help with any of the wds/urges?
    Maybe take into consideration of trying something like that, and also look around for people you can talk with, either people at AA or NA, therapist, social worker, etc. Someone that can help you with processing things.
    It does get better, just have to put your recovery on the priority list before anything else.
    If you have any questions, comments, or suggestions please feel free to send me a PM. here
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    #3
    Thank you D. Professional help isn't an option for me at the moment but in an ideal world I would be on Methadone right now. Today is my first day going through the withdrawals again. I've taken the SIM card out of my phone to make sure I don't receive any calls that may tempt me to use heroin again. I'll be using the Dihydrocodeine tablets but I'll keep it to a minimum. Being honest, without the Dihydrocodeine I wouldn't be able to handle the withdrawals. The Dihydrocodeine doesn't completely the withdrawals but helps more than loperamide. I'm hoping to take 6 loperamide, 1 Zantac and 4 or 6 Dihydrocodeine. I'm only using the Dihydrocodeine for 5 or 6 days but will be reducing my dosage by one tablet per day to ensure I don't develop another addiction. I'm not kidding myself that it's going to be easy but hopefully the loperamide and Dihydrocodeine will take the edge off. I've never been more determined to stop as I do now. I prefer the warm turkey a hell of a lot more than the cold turkey. I'm worried about not completing my detox because I've been getting really depressed recently and having horrible thoughts. I'm going to stay positive and take it one day at a time.
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    #4
    Hi Billy123- I read your post above. You said
    in an ideal world I would be on Methadone right now
    Is there a reason why that can't happen? Sometimes you have to ask a little louder for something if no one seems to be listening. Something that is good for therapy and for goals is to start a diary. Write often in it about how you feel, and what the perfect life would be for you. Write about goals you have and about the goals you accomplished already. When you are sad, it could help you to re-read it. And it can be your own progress chart in setting goals. One goal might be "I will eat a little healthier each day" or "I will spend 30 minutes reading about drug relapses" (on internet?) so you can learn what the reasons are. Maybe it will help you learn all the triggers that set it off.

    Pulling out the chip in your phone does two things - it cuts off your dealers, and it cuts off your family. Another idea would be to set ringtones for your dealers so the phone doesn't ring if they call. Look for a silent ringtone if you like that idea (I do it).

    If your friends are drug dealers, you need new friends Billy. You will always feel the pull of drugs if your friends are users or dealers. It's like working in a candy store while you are on a diet. I know you realize this.

    You are recognizing that you have a drug problem and you are doing something about it. I think you're turning a loosing situation into a winning one for yourself. Withdrawals are not for the faint of heart, but you can get through it. If a day at a time is too much, then do an hour at a time. Listening to music can help a lot if it's music you really like and connect with. Try thinking about the instruments that are playing in songs and what the words mean. A song is often really a story and some are very clever in the way they were done. This isn't rocket science, but doing that has helped me by distracting me from constantly thinking about how bad I felt. Oh, and if you put on the music and your song track ends up being on White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane, then you might wanna turn that one off or switch the track :-)

    Hope is a renewable option you know... If you run out of it at the end of the day, you get to start over in the morning - every morning.

    Dale
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    #5
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    ^^
    SoCal424 is right on the money...this is a time to seek some help/support. I don't want to say that who gives the support (family, friends, doctors/counselors), but especially in the spot you're in, who gives you support is less important than simply getting some support in the first place.

    And I also second the advice that sometimes you need to ask for what you need rather more loudly than you're accustomed to. Just keep asking, man. There's no reason (based on what you've described) that you wouldn't be a good candidate for methadone (or suboxone). If that's attractive, make it happen. If you can't make it happen, find someone you trust and ask them to help you make it happen.

    This shit is all awful and difficult. But it's also doable. Just don't give up on yourself. Keep trying; keep coming back if you slip, and be generous with yourself.
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    #6
    I messed up again. I had an O/D of H which I injected. Because I'm not used to injecting I didn't realize I should be sitting down for a few minutes and I collapsed. That was a big mistake as my mom heard the noise (I knocked over a chair and table before smashing some dishes). I was given Naloxone intravenously in the ambulance on the way to the hospital which woke me up but caused a severe headache. I still don't know what Naloxone is but I know I don't like it. It's such a horrible headache. I guess I'll try again. I've ordered some loperamide (240 pills) so I'll wait a couple of days and try again.
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    #7
    Billy123- You wrote:
    I ended up doing an O/D
    Your future is created by the things you do today. If you intentionally overdose (you said you did an "O/D" in my thread), then your future is a grave site. I believe in my heart that you don't want to die. Withdrawals are very hard for most people, myself included. To get through withdrawals, you have to want to be free of drugs more than you want the drugs. If the suffering from withdrawal is too hard, then I think you need to get help with it. A lot of people do better when they get help. It's not that you're weak if you need help, but instead it's how aware and smart you are that you recognize it. We each have unique strengths and weaknesses. We all (myself included) get in situations where we need to ask for help.

    Please don't overdose again Billy. There are great things yet to come for you. You see others out there in the world that are doing really well - you can have that too; just get your education first. You can do anything you set your mind to do. (I'm totally serious) You were given life because you are needed. There is something here on earth very much needed that only you can do. You are not here to die young.

    Do me a favor please: On your thread here, take an internal survey for me: write down a few notes about what your perfect life would be - what do you hope it would be? Tell me who your ideal future would be like. What makes you the most happy (besides drugs)? Tell me all about it ok?

    Me: I can't decide what to wear for the Royal wedding. I think I'll probably settle for a blindfold and earplugs

    Dale
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    #8
    Hi Dale. My ideal life would be being clean, looking good with a good job, a beautiful wife, nice house and car and being loved by my kids and family. I genuinely feel disgusted with myself. I am piece of shit that's worth nothing to no one. I genuinely feel the world would be better off without me. Killing myself would genuinely make everyone happy I feel. The only person who may miss is my mom. It didn't have to be like this but I've genuinely tried so hard to get clean and failed miserably. I know killing yourself is wrong but I don't think I have any other choices. I don't want to die and I'm scared about going to hell in case there's a God. Even thinking about killing myself upsets me because I know I will never see my kids again. I'm such a coward that the only way I can kill myself is through an overdose of H by injection. That way I'll pass away peacefully.
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    #9
    Hey Billy123-
    Failure is an event, not a person. We all make mistakes. We all have weaknesses. Most of the people in these forums have fallen prey to drugs. You have the same choices that I have - that the others here have. I want you to choose life - to make a conscience choice to make your life better one baby step at a time. No one is going to be happy to learn you have killed yourself - especially not me.
    I believe that this life is the only one you will ever get - no redoing it - no second chance. If you end your life, then all the positive changes you would have made in the world are lost forever. There's so much good that you can do.

    Change won't happen if you don't make that change my friend. Try to make one today - one small positive change. Want an idea? Bring your mom some flowers and have lunch with her. Ask her about her life struggles growing up. I bet she has a lot to share. The more you learn about her, the more you will know about you.

    Your friend,
    Dale
    Last edited by SoCal424; 24-05-2018 at 21:09.
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    #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Billy123 View Post
    Hi Dale. My ideal life would be being clean, looking good with a good job, a beautiful wife, nice house and car and being loved by my kids and family. I genuinely feel disgusted with myself. I am piece of shit that's worth nothing to no one. I genuinely feel the world would be better off without me. Killing myself would genuinely make everyone happy I feel. The only person who may miss is my mom. It didn't have to be like this but I've genuinely tried so hard to get clean and failed miserably. I know killing yourself is wrong but I don't think I have any other choices. I don't want to die and I'm scared about going to hell in case there's a God. Even thinking about killing myself upsets me because I know I will never see my kids again. I'm such a coward that the only way I can kill myself is through an overdose of H by injection. That way I'll pass away peacefully.
    I know exactly how you feel. I hope things turn around in time. I know that for me if I wait it out the suicidal thoughts usually go away after awhile. Feel free to pm me if you want to talk.
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    #11
    I took a big step yesterday. I bit the bullet and went to the clinic. Hopefully I'll have a methadone script next week.
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    #12
    Billy123- Right on! I'm really glad you're doing your best to improve your life. Life is worth living. You can make every good dream come true for yourself. I started out life in a dirt poor family (the poorest around). I am older than you, but I own my home and have two cars (one is a dodge challenger which was my long time favorite car). Billy123- If I could do it, so can you. You have equal opportunity for everything this world has to offer - to do as good or even better than the rest of us. Just try really hard to get your life back to normal (methadone is a good start) and stick to it :-) I'll be here doing all that I can to help and motivate you.

    "Don't let yesterday take up too much of today"
    Dale
    Last edited by SoCal424; 27-05-2018 at 05:28.
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    #13
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    Billy did you start this thread? If so, then good job. I have been posting here for a couple of years and I still cant figure out how to start a new thread. Maybe because Im using my phone to make posts.

    You can PM me too. I?m not too good about checking my messages though.
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