Bluelight

Thread: I'm alive

Results 1 to 21 of 21
  1. Collapse Details
    I'm alive 
    #1
    Moderator
    Sober Living
    cj's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    On a sinking boat
    Posts
    8,117
    Basically my parents sent me too rehab. I got kicked out because the depression of coming off 50mg of methadone was horrible. Nothing like I had ever experienced. That's not even mentioning the physical withdraw. So I went back to the phych Ward and was put in uabs rehab. It was awful. So I left after a week. Then went back to the phych Ward. See a trend here?

    Anyway I'm alive but I don't have a phone or computer. I'm trying to find a low cost rehab cause I'm almost out of sub. Anyway that's where I am today. Staying with my mom after a few days on the street. I'm sorry I didn't give notice but it all happened real fast.

    Take care everyone I'll be back eventually
    Addicted? Want to stop? We can help! Come to the sober living forum!
    http://www.bluelight.org/vb/forums/269-Sober-Living
    Reply With Quote
     

  2. Collapse Details
     
    #2
    Administrator spacejunk's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Location
    Melbourne
    Posts
    19,684
    I'm sorry to hear you've had such a rough time, but very relieved to hear you are still here.

    Sending you love and respect man - you're an amazing guy and you can get through this
    ✺✹✺✹BLUA✺✹✺✹
    Reply With Quote
     

  3. Collapse Details
     
    #3
    Moderator
    Sober Living
    aihfl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2015
    Location
    El Pueblo Loco
    Posts
    1,651
    CJ, you know you can call me anytime brother.
    Reply With Quote
     

  4. Collapse Details
     
    #4
    Bluelighter
    Join Date
    Feb 2017
    Location
    Las Vegas
    Posts
    183
    Dude, I am glad you are alive! Sounds like a chaotic sequence of events, but it may be a real opportunity. It certainly will look much different down the road given the seasoning of perspective. Hang in the as hard as that may be...
    Reply With Quote
     

  5. Collapse Details
     
    #5
    cj: I'm coming off methadone too. I won't tell it it's easy, but I believe 100% that you can do it. When you feel freezing cold, put on all your clothes and a jacket too. That helps me tolerate that feeling a little more. It also really helps if you intentionally distract yourself even when that's the last thing you want to do. By that, I mean listen to music or dance to it or sing it. If you can take diphenhydramine (over the counter at Walmart), it will help the cold feeling, but it can cause restless leg syndrome, so stop it if you experience that. Man I am so tired of feeling sick, but I won't fail - I believe you won't either. You are a good person - never let people tell you otherwise. Using has some consequences I am paying for right now as I write this (withdrawal), but we are allowed to make mistakes - me and you and the others here on BL. Peace
    Last edited by SoCal424; 11-05-2018 at 18:02. Reason: I need new glasses...
    Reply With Quote
     

  6. Collapse Details
     
    #6
    Temporary Ban
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Location
    Deep inside the Garden of Eden
    Posts
    15,553
    That's rough, I feel for you. It's important to have support during times like these, so you're lucky to have your mom on your side. If you have any other friends or family willing to support you right now you really don't want to take that for granted, because most people aren't going to stick around forever. It isn't easy caring about someone who has drug problems and doesn't seem to care about anyone else but them. I know from being the addict and being the supporter.

    Addict turned supporter really put that into perspective for me. I got to see and feel the pain I had put others through as a result of the lifestyle I chose, and I wouldn't wish it on anybody. I hope you get the help you need man.
    Reply With Quote
     

  7. Collapse Details
     
    #7
    Senior Moderator
    Sober Living
    Words
    Captain.Heroin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    My hopes are blighted, my heart is broken, my life a burden, everything around me is sad and mournful; earth has become distasteful to me, and human voices distract me. It is mercy to let me die, for if I live I shall lose my reason and become mad.
    Posts
    64,891
    taper off the suboxone

    it's a good thing you're off methadone

    don't give up, you can kick opiates
    Reply With Quote
     

  8. Collapse Details
     
    #8
    Gardenmeister
    Senior Moderator
    Recovery Support
    Drug Studies
    herbavore's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    in a dream
    Posts
    14,544
    cj, how are you feeling?
    Reply With Quote
     

  9. Collapse Details
     
    #9
    Moderator
    Sober Living
    cj's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    On a sinking boat
    Posts
    8,117
    Quote Originally Posted by herbavore View Post
    cj, how are you feeling?
    I'm ok Herby. I ended up in another phych Ward after I last posted here. Just got out yesterday. I have a sub doctor appointment at 2 central time today so I'll at least be off sick in like 4 hours. This last place I was at was pretty terrible they cut me off 16mg sub with no benzos or anything except cloninidine. Luckily the long half life of sub saved me from going through anything too extreme but it really played hell with my phyche. Getting yourself phyched up for a big kick like that is tortourous. I didn't know when I was going to get out so it was like mental torture do you dare have hope? Or just resign yourself to hell?

    Anyway this has been taxing on my family. My parents have basically split up over it. I'm an asshole but I have no idea how to make it right. I'm just looking for stability right now I guess. I've had 5 phych Ward admissions this year already. I need to break that cycle. I'm going to start tapering the subs tommorow to get down to a reasonable dose in case I do decide to do rehab. My mom is sold on some place in Arizona but I'm kinda iffy on the whole idea. I haven't even been using illegal drugs that's the fucked up part. I've been on maintenance and messed around with Lyrica and gabapentin on occasion that's it. Only used heroin once in the last 3 years.

    Anyway I don't have a phone or computer so my access to bl is going to be spotty for awhile to come. I love you guys and thanks for the support. If you tried to text or call me I don't have a phone so the best way to reach me is [email protected]

    Peace
    Drew
    Reply With Quote
     

  10. Collapse Details
     
    #10
    Gardenmeister
    Senior Moderator
    Recovery Support
    Drug Studies
    herbavore's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    in a dream
    Posts
    14,544
    Even though it may look like the stress of worrying about you was the cause of their break-up, it wasn't. They probably had their problems and disagreeing in their worry over you just highlighted them. You don't need to take that on.

    Psych wards can be a place for you to keep yourself relatively safe. It's OK to use them as much as you need.

    What worries me is that you may be losing faith in yourself. Keep your imagination strong and imagine a simple life that would make you happy. What would it look like? Imagination and hope go hand in hand.
    Reply With Quote
     

  11. Collapse Details
     
    #11
    Senior Moderator
    Sober Living
    Words
    Captain.Heroin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    My hopes are blighted, my heart is broken, my life a burden, everything around me is sad and mournful; earth has become distasteful to me, and human voices distract me. It is mercy to let me die, for if I live I shall lose my reason and become mad.
    Posts
    64,891
    Yeah man, it's not about you. They had their own problems, everyone does.

    Just keep taking care of yourself, and things will work out in time.
    Reply With Quote
     

  12. Collapse Details
     
    #12
    Moderator
    Sober Living
    cj's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    On a sinking boat
    Posts
    8,117
    Quote Originally Posted by herbavore View Post
    Even though it may look like the stress of worrying about you was the cause of their break-up, it wasn't. They probably had their problems and disagreeing in their worry over you just highlighted them. You don't need to take that on.

    Psych wards can be a place for you to keep yourself relatively safe. It's OK to use them as much as you need.

    What worries me is that you may be losing faith in yourself. Keep your imagination strong and imagine a simple life that would make you happy. What would it look like? Imagination and hope go hand in hand.

    Yeah I am getting the tour of local phych wards that is for sure. I appreciate the thought of whoever edited out my email but thats a throwaway account i use specifically for bluelight so its ok to have on the board. I miss my friends from here alot. Im worried im losing faith in myself too. I keep replaying how this all went down and its just like kinda unbelievable how piss poor my decision making has been. Its scary how bad things have gotten. How quickly they have gotten this bad. The most scary part is the lack of drugs causing it. I had been diagnosed with multiple mental illness over the years but i never really believed it in a way i guess. Or more like I didnt understand the power they could exert over my decision making. Borderline personality disorder and depression will wreck you every bit as quick as an IV heroin habit. Now my mom wants me off all phych meds and im just like "fuck". Well at least she paid for my suboxone.

    Im still sick until tonight. I didnt have time to get my suboxone filled after my appointment so im just sitting here at my grandads sick as fuck. Nose pouring legs shaking like "uhh yeah i got a cold". Just like the old days. whats old is new again. God damnit
    Addicted? Want to stop? We can help! Come to the sober living forum!
    http://www.bluelight.org/vb/forums/269-Sober-Living
    Reply With Quote
     

  13. Collapse Details
     
    #13
    Moderator
    Sober Living
    cj's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    On a sinking boat
    Posts
    8,117
    Got my Suboxone! Feeling so much better... That was rough!
    Reply With Quote
     

  14. Collapse Details
     
    #14
    Senior Moderator
    Sober Living
    Words
    Captain.Heroin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    My hopes are blighted, my heart is broken, my life a burden, everything around me is sad and mournful; earth has become distasteful to me, and human voices distract me. It is mercy to let me die, for if I live I shall lose my reason and become mad.
    Posts
    64,891
    Glad to hear that.

    Do you have a plan to taper off Suboxone?
    Reply With Quote
     

  15. Collapse Details
     
    #15
    Moderator
    Sober Living
    Non-Electronic Music Discussion
    simco's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Location
    with the dead crow god
    Posts
    2,244
    cj, i totally agree with you and herby... psych wards are imperfect but they can really help keep us safe. you're doing awesome, man
    Reply With Quote
     

  16. Collapse Details
     
    #16
    I keep replaying how this all went down and its just like kinda unbelievable how piss poor my decision making has been.
    Hi cj- What I see happening, is someone learning a tough lesson and paying for it. They key word is "learning." Learning means the possibility of a better outcome for you. You have the smarts and compassion to help others here in this forum - that's obvious, but maybe it's time you focus that positive energy all on getting you better - and keeping you safe from the "dark side."

    If you didn't make mistakes, you'd probably be a rock. Being human is far better.

    From Dale, part of your cheering section
    Reply With Quote
     

  17. Collapse Details
     
    #17
    Moderator
    Sober Living
    cj's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    On a sinking boat
    Posts
    8,117
    Quote Originally Posted by Captain.Heroin View Post
    Glad to hear that.

    Do you have a plan to taper off Suboxone?
    A firm plan? No. An idea? Yes. It's baby steps I guess and I'm having to be firm with my mom because she is pressuring me too get off. I'm just not ready I need a nice long taper. The first step is only taking 8mg instead of the prescribed 16mg. That'll build me a surplus. After that it's going to be a 4mg drop then too 2mg then 1 then lower. I see it taking no more then a year total. Of course that pressumes things stay stable and that's pressuming alot. Right now I'm just going one day at a time.

    I fucked up so much it's hard too even quantity the damage at this point. I feel sick to my stomach over it.
    Addicted? Want to stop? We can help! Come to the sober living forum!
    http://www.bluelight.org/vb/forums/269-Sober-Living
    Reply With Quote
     

  18. Collapse Details
     
    #18
    cj- Yesterday is in the past. Today, you get a new chance for a different outcome - to change what your future will be. We all fuck up, but we learn from it just like you are learning from it. Keep trying to change your direction away from drugs. Believe in yourself!

    AA meetings are like a chicken eating: You have to pick out the nutrients and leave all the shit behind...
    Dale
    Reply With Quote
     

  19. Collapse Details
     
    #19
    Gardenmeister
    Senior Moderator
    Recovery Support
    Drug Studies
    herbavore's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    in a dream
    Posts
    14,544
    I wish your mom could understand the need to go slowly and at your own pace. I empathize with her desires but it really isn't based on reality. If psychiatric drugs help you, then you need to take them until you feel more stable and then you can make decisions about them for yourself. I'm probably a lot like your mom in that I believe drugs (psychiatric drugs) do as much harm as good but that does not mean that I condemn them across the board. Quite the opposite! My best friend has been on Zoloft and Wellbutrin for years and she does quite well with them. When she has gone off in the past she's a mess--her eating disorder comes back with a vengeance and she gets so OCD that it impacts her life terribly. But I have other friends that swore up and down that they needed the psych drugs to feel "happy" or to feel "normal" only to have them get off because they ultimately recognized they were making them worse mentally. It can be so hard to figure out. That's why I think your mom needs to understand that you are capable of exploring this (and subs as well) by yourself. That's all this is: a process of understanding your brain and what it needs. Those needs can change so you have to be aware and nimble and willing to experiment when you feel safe enough to do that, not when someone else is pressuring you to do it.
    Reply With Quote
     

  20. Collapse Details
     
    #20
    Moderator
    Sober Living
    cj's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    On a sinking boat
    Posts
    8,117
    The last few days have been a welcome calm. The suboxone is working somewhat well but i am not sleeping well still. I also have some crazy anxiety. Im just getting used to being off methadone i think.

    My mom just doesnt understand what i am going through. Im starting to lose faith that this is salvageble in any sense of the word. Me and my mom have been staying at her half finished lake house because my step dad wont let me come home. Which is bullshit but whatever. So im like is this my life now? Just sit in someone elses house until they get tired of me and kick me out? I just dont know where i go from here. Im going through SSRI discontinuation syndrome on top of everything else. Brain zaps, depression, anxiety, and no motivation. This has been the worst year of my life and it doesnt show any sign of getting better. I dont know what to do.
    Addicted? Want to stop? We can help! Come to the sober living forum!
    http://www.bluelight.org/vb/forums/269-Sober-Living
    Reply With Quote
     

  21. Collapse Details
     
    #21
    cj- Here's what I would do: stop worrying about what is next and instead focus 100% of yourself on getting through today - or the next five minutes if a day is too long. Tell yourself that this time is going to be different - say it over and over in your mind. Can you soak in the bathtub to help alleviate withdrawals? Can you get Trazodone to help you sleep? (it does work).
    Think of all the help you've been to others - all the good you've done and the positive messages of hope. You've inspired real change. You are a good person and you will get through this. Believe in yourself just as much as you have believed in all of us. We can all change directions and start an new life - we can and you can.
    Sometimes families think they are doing the right thing by booting someone out, and they even think it will help that person. If you can, write your dad a sincere apology and tell him how hard you are trying (and struggling). And tell him you miss and love him. That might work wonders. I sure hope it does.

    "A man can move a mountain if he does it one stone at a time".
    Dale
    Reply With Quote
     

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •