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I'm alive

cj- Here's what I would do: stop worrying about what is next and instead focus 100% of yourself on getting through today - or the next five minutes if a day is too long. Tell yourself that this time is going to be different - say it over and over in your mind. Can you soak in the bathtub to help alleviate withdrawals? Can you get Trazodone to help you sleep? (it does work).
Think of all the help you've been to others - all the good you've done and the positive messages of hope. You've inspired real change. You are a good person and you will get through this. Believe in yourself just as much as you have believed in all of us. We can all change directions and start an new life - we can and you can.
Sometimes families think they are doing the right thing by booting someone out, and they even think it will help that person. If you can, write your dad a sincere apology and tell him how hard you are trying (and struggling). And tell him you miss and love him. That might work wonders. I sure hope it does.

"A man can move a mountain if he does it one stone at a time".
Dale
 
cj said:
A firm plan? No. An idea? Yes. It's baby steps I guess and I'm having to be firm with my mom because she is pressuring me too get off. I'm just not ready I need a nice long taper. The first step is only taking 8mg instead of the prescribed 16mg. That'll build me a surplus. After that it's going to be a 4mg drop then too 2mg then 1 then lower. I see it taking no more then a year total. Of course that pressumes things stay stable and that's pressuming alot. Right now I'm just going one day at a time.

I fucked up so much it's hard too even quantity the damage at this point. I feel sick to my stomach over it.
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Tell your mom you want to get off Suboxone but if you do it too quick, you're afraid you'll just relapse again, and work with her/your docs to get off.

Life is so much better without opiates. I know you can do it man. You just have to believe in yourself. The feelings will pass but you're going to still be there. Believe in yourself, not the bad feelings <3

cj said:
Im going through SSRI discontinuation syndrome on top of everything else. Brain zaps, depression, anxiety, and no motivation. This has been the worst year of my life and it doesnt show any sign of getting better. I dont know what to do.
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When I went through SSRI withdrawal, it was worse than opiate withdrawal. Constant suicidal ideation and brain zaps.

It'll take time to feel better. Don't give up hope.
 
Yeah the Suboxone taper is going to be harder then I thought. I start feeling withdrawal exactly 8 hours after an 8mg dose. I'm having constant stomach problems, cold sensitivity, and just general opiate withdrawal type feelings. It's like being in low level withdrawal all the time. I'm hoping my body adjusts over time but we will see. I filed an appeal with my insurance too see if they will cover the bupe shot that lasts a month. I'm hoping that works out too stop the constant plasma concentration changes.

SSRI withdrawal is so fucked up. I know I'm not in my right mind right now. Just trying to hang on for now.
 
a buprenorphine depot injection might work but I have no personal experience with it.

It probably would be ideal for your case; definitely let us know if they let you get on it.
 
Hi cj,

Just read through your thread and wondered how you're doing now? You have so much going for you, I really hope you're doing well. Just wanted to say hello.

Here for you anytime,
ypur friend,
Ashley.



cj said:
Yeah the Suboxone taper is going to be harder then I thought. I start feeling withdrawal exactly 8 hours after an 8mg dose. I'm having constant stomach problems, cold sensitivity, and just general opiate withdrawal type feelings. It's like being in low level withdrawal all the time. I'm hoping my body adjusts over time but we will see. I filed an appeal with my insurance too see if they will cover the bupe shot that lasts a month. I'm hoping that works out too stop the constant plasma concentration changes.

SSRI withdrawal is so fucked up. I know I'm not in my right mind right now. Just trying to hang on for now.
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I'm still breathing. The opiate withdrawal symptoms are gradually lessening. I'm still really depressed though. It just feels like I am stuck. I want to be unstuck so badly but I have no idea how to get there. It's frustrating because it's not drugs that caused this. If it was drugs the solution would be simpler. I'm just really struggling with suicidal ideation. I'm in the unhappy stage that occurs when your waffling on what decision to make. I don't want to live but I'm scared to die. They say when you finally make the decision to die that you get a feeling of supreme peace and like borderline happiness. I hope that is true.

I read this article about a girl with severe depression using the assisted suicide law in her country to die peacefully. I thought that sounded nice compared to how things are done here in the US. Being treated like shit doesn't make me really want to live.

Sorry that's probably not the update you where looking for. Shit is just dark right now.
 
I think I speak for all of us when I say, it is such a breath of fresh air when someone is real with people who care about them. Thank you for letting us know how you're doing <3

Where are you staying these days?
 
I'm staying with my mom at her half finished lake house. My stepdad kicked us out of the house after my last hospitalization. I just sit in the house and watch TV all day. I don't have a phone or the internet. Im typing this on my mom's phone I get to use at night. I just sit and try not to cut or kill myself.

I wish I could believe things are going to improve. I wish I could blame drugs but the last 2 years I've been mostly sober. My brain is just broken.

I'm kinda out of treatment ideas. The phych Ward doesn't really have any answers. I don't respond to SSRIs at all. Ketamine isn't mainstream here yet and I didn't qualify for the local Universities research study. I need some kind of transitional housing program but I don't qualify for the limited options available. Halfway houses won't take me because of Suboxone. Even if they did all they focus on is drugs which isn't my main problem anymore. I need some kind of help but it just isn't available it seems. I think it's only a matter of time before I end up homeless.
 
Oh cj, I'm so sorry to hear that. At least you have a roof over your head and meds for today. How is you mom handling things?
 
Absolutely!!!! 100%. I'd rather have someone tell me how they really feel so I can attempt to help in some small way. You are beyond right on that one TPD.


toothpastedog said:
I think I speak for all of us when I say, it is such a breath of fresh air when someone is real with people who care about them. Thank you for letting us know how you're doing
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Well that just royally sucks cj!!!

I am glad you have your mom's place to stay, things will get better, we are all here for you. Is your mother okay with you staying for a while until you feel like things have stabilized?

I can't offer much but I can offer you my time, my compassion and my support, wether things are going well or not.

Here for you anytime cj,
your friend,
Ashley.


cj said:
I'm staying with my mom at her half finished lake house. My stepdad kicked us out of the house after my last hospitalization. I just sit in the house and watch TV all day. I don't have a phone or the internet. Im typing this on my mom's phone I get to use at night. I just sit and try not to cut or kill myself.

I wish I could believe things are going to improve. I wish I could blame drugs but the last 2 years I've been mostly sober. My brain is just broken.

I'm kinda out of treatment ideas. The phych Ward doesn't really have any answers. I don't respond to SSRIs at all. Ketamine isn't mainstream here yet and I didn't qualify for the local Universities research study. I need some kind of transitional housing program but I don't qualify for the limited options available. Halfway houses won't take me because of Suboxone. Even if they did all they focus on is drugs which isn't my main problem anymore. I need some kind of help but it just isn't available it seems. I think it's only a matter of time before I end up homeless.
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My mom is handling things ok I guess. I mean she is understandably frustrated. She doesn't know what to do. On the upside she is paying for my Suboxone so I guess I can't complain.

I need a job but I don't have a car and my mom works too much to be able to take me. I also have a probation violation warrant I'll eventually have to deal with. My long term plan is too get that monthly Suboxone injection then turn myself in to deal with the probation bullshit. My suspended sentence is only 7 days so it may work out to where I don't have to withdraw in jail. But that relies on my insurance covering the sub injection which they currently dont though I did file an appeal.

I had planned to start tapering off the Suboxone but the 16mg a day is barely holding me as it is and I'm really not in the state of mind to go through withdrawal right now. My life is just a fucking mess.
 
You would probably best benefit from the suboxone shot, dealing with probation, and then moving to a state where you can use cannabis instead of opiates.
 
Yeah thata the long term dream ch. Get the hell out of the south
 
We're rooting for you, CJ.

Where in the South are you located, if you don't mind me asking?
 
Why are you on subonxen if you were not addicted to anything?
 
I used to be addicted to heroin. I got on methodone 3 years ago and have been really successful in staying off illicit opiates since then. Last June I quit benzos and weed and besides a few slip ups I've been sober. My parents made me get off Methodone after my 3rd hospilization in April I tried going to rehab to get off it which led to my 4th hospitalization for suicidal ideation when I couldn't handle the withdrawal. The hospital put me on Suboxone during that stay and I've been on it ever since.

I don't really have a problem staying clean it's the depression and suicidal ideation that keeps landing me in the hospital.
 
Hey cj

There must be some cool stuff to get into at the lake right? Can you try and snag a few pictures for me? I really miss Alabama, still I'm kind of homesick. Kentucky is strange..

I'm really glad to see you posting here again. Im going to shoot you a pm when i get off work.
 
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