• H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist | cdin | Lil'LinaptkSix

I'm alive

Today sucked. Had a return of the really bad feelings after therapy. My mom drug me too the house I'm kicked out of so I rummaged through the wreckage of my past life. It hurt. I self harmed all over my right arm. Wrote loser in razor blade cuts. That'll make a nice scar tattoo for life. I'm going to take the rest of my Ativan tommorow. Fuck saving it I need it now. I hate being dramatic but I'm seriously considering eating the bottle of propanolol I have hidden tommorow and dieing. It's the only drug I have access too with a known ld-50

Stay strong man. Try not to cut yourself. It's not going to help <3
 
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Don't believe in miracles? Think about when the Titanic went down and all those lobsters in the kitchen were free again.
Also, if you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been a lot more specific.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
 
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Hello my dear cj,

You've got to hang in there my friend, suicide realy is a permanent solution for a temporary problem. You are making great strides cj. You have a new therapist, you've got a roof over your head and although things feel bleak right now you do have people that love and care about you. I care about you.

Be kind to yourself cj this will pass I PROMISE you.

You are a sweetheart cj and I am here for you anytime, if you need to please pm me. You're going to get through this, and tomorrow is a new day.

Your friend,
big hugs to you,
Ash.
 
No real Ativan script yet. I'm going to push for it once I find a phychaitrist. I have 1.25mg left of what the hospital gave me. I have therapy this morning hopefully it goes well. Unfortunately my mom is taking me and she is already in full on bitch mode as usual. Im wearing a t-shirt to therapy with all the gashes on my arm being fully visible. Hopefully I get committed. I'm tired of dealing with my parents.

Jesus I sound like a 15 year old

Actually I know a number of people MUCH older than you who are WAY less mature than you.
 
Sorry about being dramatic. I'll be ok. It's just hard sitting around all day everyday wallowing in despair watching other people live what looks like fufilling lives.

Then I cut but it's never deep enough. I look at pictures of cuts on other forums and they get all the way to the bone. Are they in more pain then me? Or are they just more committed? I don't know it makes me feel like I can't do anything right.

When I'm in the hospital all I can think about is getting out. When I'm out of the hospital all I can think about is getting back in. It's the grass is always greener syndrome.

I'm just lost.
 
cj-
As you probably know, I'm older than you. Now I realize life is also like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. Unfortunately, I'm at the age where my back goes out more often than I do. Just yesterday, my stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘“At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.”

Today I told my 3 year old son that it's okay to poop your pants, but he's still laughing at me. I ignored him and turned on the computer where I was searched the classifieds. Just my luck too - I found "bored housewife 33, looking for some action!" I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.

Smile!
Your friend,
Dale
 
Hey what's up CJ... I just wanted to start by saying that I new here and I read your story and I just wanted to say... Keep your head up. I don't know you at all but I do care about you. I do know that the world would not be as bright without you in it. I have depression and anxiety attacks too. Although I have learned how to control my anxiety attacks. My methadone maintenance has really helped with my depression though. I want you to know that I'm praying 4 ya. Take care and God bless you brotha!
 
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Hello dear cj,

Don't apologize, you're not being dramatic you're just having a hard time right now. You will be fine. How are doing today?

Here for you,
Hugs,
your friend,
Ash.
 
Sorry about being dramatic. I'll be ok. It's just hard sitting around all day everyday wallowing in despair watching other people live what looks like fufilling lives.

Then I cut but it's never deep enough. I look at pictures of cuts on other forums and they get all the way to the bone. Are they in more pain then me? Or are they just more committed? I don't know it makes me feel like I can't do anything right.

When I'm in the hospital all I can think about is getting out. When I'm out of the hospital all I can think about is getting back in. It's the grass is always greener syndrome.

I'm just lost.

No one’s really happy man. We all just act this way because of neurotransmitters.

It’s more like a neuronal superposition rather than legitimate happiness that you’re sensing in others.
 
Well good news is I have an appointment with the phych doctor who previously wrote me Ativan on next Thursday. Bad news is I'm out of Ativan as of today. I was going to do something drastic if I didn't take it. Hopefully I don't have another anxiety attack between now and the appointment next week. Last one ended me in the ER.

I appreciate everyone being so kind. I'm really on the brink right now. I wish things where different.
 
If you can get a prescription, have your mom hold onto it and that way you won't run out prematurely or abuse it.
 
There's a reason why sober and so bored sound almost exactly the same :)

I hope you're doing better today cj.
Your friend,
Dale
 
Hello my friend,

Just stopping in to see how you're doing today cj? I hope you're feeling better and you were able to get your ativan rx.

Hugs,
Ash.
 
The phychaitrist appointment is next Thursday so I have only a .25 Ativan until then. I'm so scared I'm going to have another panic attack before then. I've been looking into long term treatment if I hit the lottery. Shit starts at like 80 grand a month and they don't take insurance. Would be lovely though
 
The phychaitrist appointment is next Thursday so I have only a .25 Ativan until then. I'm so scared I'm going to have another panic attack before then. I've been looking into long term treatment if I hit the lottery. Shit starts at like 80 grand a month and they don't take insurance. Would be lovely though

lol I have fantasized about going to those types of places too. It'd be cool to get shipped off to one of those picturesque facilities in Cali or somewhere. The ones like on Intervention you know?

hope you are feeling ok. Are you going to chill and watch the draft tonight? Hang in there cj.
 
80,000 USD a month is insane.

The drugs are undoubtedly cheaper.

You can get quality rehab without shelling out so much.
 
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