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I'm alive

Ok the intense depression is back with a fucking vengeance. This is the worst I've ever felt in my life. My arms look way worse then when I was at my worst with heroin. Every second is torture. I can't sleep. This is fucked up. I don't know what to do
 
Is there someone you can call to talk with who is safe? People are the best medicine sometimes, at least when they're not as/more messed up than us.

Or perhaps try to get outside in nature. Or get some light (easy) exercise you can lose yourself in.

What's the word on the therapist(s) multiple times per week?

<3
 
Seeing therapist Tuesday for first appointment. No go on multiple a week but I did talk her into paying for a phychaitrist
 
Thank god. Keeping my fingers cross they can help you find some meds to help stabilize <3

I really need to make that psychiatrist appointment for myself :( tmrw, tmrw... :\
 
^ exchange numbers if you havent already, psychs are invaluable but sometimes a mate is whats needed most.
 
Good morning my dear friend cj,

How are you doing today?

Ash.
 
EPL1 said:
Good morning my dear friend cj,

How are you doing today?

Ash.
Click to expand...

Better then yesterday. I slept last night which was crucial. My sub appointment went fine last night which got me enough meds for a month which is a big weight lifted.

I started posting and reading on a forum specifically dedicated to borderline personality disorder which has been nice. I don't feel so isolated when I see others are going through the same thing. It's weird how similar my story is to others with this condition like we think on the same wavelength. It's kinda the same thing I get talking to other opiate addicts but different. It's hard to explain.

I had an ok talk with my mom about a long term plan. She agrees I need to apply for disability. So I'm going to schedule a meeting with an attorney. She also saw the light about my need for phych medication so I'm going to find a phych doctor Ill hopefully like. Hopefully that doctor will agree I need a php type program and help me find one that doesn't suck.

I guess it's just coming to the realization that I'm in the fight of my life. I'm trying to think long term past the absolute misery I'm currently feeling. Trying to draw upon past experiences for some hope. Things have been bad before and I suffered through and turned it around. Just trying to believe I can do it again.
 
Oh that's really great to hear cj.
It's nice that you found that forum too, glad you have others that you can relate to, that's important and special.

You are also special. You have a lot on your plate but you're not giving up, that's amazing!!!

You CAN do it again cj, I'm here if you ever need anything.

Your friend Ash.
 
Cj, may I ask you about the symptoms of borderline personality disorder?

I mean like do you often have had unstable relationships in which you at one time adore the person you are in relationship but then suddenly you hate that person like hell?

Do you feel that you avoid being abandoned even so much that you might try to break up promising relationship in the first place?

Do you have unstable view of yourself?

Do you have a lot of impulsively behaviour that is bad for you?

Are you constantly on edge or being in a fighting mode often?

Is it hard for you to engage in activity in which you get the reward in a long term?

When in stress, do you sometimes feel paranoid?

Do you feel "empty" often?
 
MrRoot said:
Cj, may I ask you about the symptoms of borderline personality disorder?

I mean like do you often have had unstable relationships in which you at one time adore the person you are in relationship but then suddenly you hate that person like hell?
Not really. This is the one symptom I don't think I have. I don't usually split on people as it's called.

Do you feel that you avoid being abandoned even so much that you might try to break up promising relationship in the first place?
I break up relationships and friendships by being overly clingy. Like if someone doesn't answer my text in 15min it means they hate me and never want to see me again.

Do you have unstable view of yourself?
Yeah I think so. I go from thinking I'm a good person to thinking I'm an awful person pretty often. I go from thinking I want sobriety and a boring life to thinking I want to shoot heroin and live on the street. Shit like that.

Do you have a lot of impulsively behaviour that is bad for you?

Yes. I'll make horrible decisions without thinking them through. Example: left a comfortable rehab to go be homeless because I was having a bad day and wanted to die. Then once on the streets I made a series of awful decisions that left me with no Suboxone.

Are you constantly on edge or being in a fighting mode often?
Yeah I go from calm to murder someone angry in the blink of eye.

Is it hard for you to engage in activity in which you get the reward in a long term?
Impossible for me to delay gratification. I often say that past me has no regard for future me

When in stress, do you sometimes feel paranoid?
Sometimes.

Do you feel "empty" often?
All the time
Click to expand...
 
CJ-

I am hoping for some peace for you. You keep picking yourself up and fighting, you deserve it - sooner rather than later.

You are an inspiration to me. Sending you all of my good thoughts and vibes for the day.

- VE
 
Hey cj,

How u doin? ; ) I hope today was a good one for you? It sounds like you have a good game plan going forward!!!

And I couldn't agree with VE more, you give so much of yourself and you keep on keeping on no matter what! You're awesome cj!!

Here for you anytime,
Your friend,
Ash.



VastEmpty said:
CJ-

I am hoping for some peace for you. You keep picking yourself up and fighting, you deserve it - sooner rather than later.

You are an inspiration to me. Sending you all of my good thoughts and vibes for the day.

- VE
Click to expand...
 
My fiancee has BPD and she haven't been getting real help for it until just recently when we both started DBT (not in the same group of course and for me it is more for substance use and bi-polar) and although it has been exhausting sometimes I think we both have already had some help.

It is sometimes quite hard to live with someone with BPD but in general our relationship is really good.

Also she has said that it has helped a lot to be with a person who actually can encourage healthier approaches to general life problems than the models that have been built through living with untreated BPD and doesn't bail out when problems arise and instead keeps contact no matter what is thrown at him.
 
Hello my dear friend cj!!!

It's hot where I am, I got out today and had a great time. I hope you're having a good day too? You really are such a sweetheart and I know things are going to improve for you. Please keep me updated.

Here for you always,
Your friend,
Ash.
 
Hey CJ, I'm alive as well. It's difficult to find time to post here when you're on a binge. My blood alcohol is still .06. I took some Ativan to hold me over until I get some low ABV beer to taper me off. I ate a ton of benzos already and I'd rather deal with the alcohol.
 
I ended up in the ER yesterday morning during a panic attack. The gave me IV Ativan and clinidine followed by 4 1mg Ativan to take home. I don't know why at happened but it was horrible.
 
IV Ativan is niiiiiice. I'm going to stop the pills. I've been on this nightmare merry go round trying to quit a bunch of things but I've got to stop the benzos. Heading out to buy some beer and sports drinks.
 
I'm back home in bed. Popped another Ativan and have about 32 oz of Bud Lite total. Bought the small cans as a psychological thing. Hope it works.
 
Hang in there buddy. I don't know why my anxiety is so jacked up. I took a .5 Ativan and feel much better though. Need a prescription
 
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