• H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist | cdin | Lil'LinaptkSix

I'm alive

Yeah I've learned I can't handle benzos at all. They kind of started the chain reaction that has fucked up my life. I totaled my car fucked up on bars a couple months ago. Aftee the wreck that night I tried to kill myself and ended up in the hospital. I was already in a downward spiral before that but it certainly sped up the spin.

The lake is pretty to look at but it's really lonely up here. Looking back at the past I had it good. I was stable on methodone had a car ect but as usual I fucked it up. Feel like a moron. Oh well hopefully this shit will pass.
 
cj- Thanks for your post on my thread.

You know, we all make mistakes, but it's how we move forward that really matters. You're pretty smart to recognize that drugs harm you and you know that you need to avoid them. Why not just say "today, promise myself that I am starting over." Don't drag your past into your future because what comes next could be the happiest years of your life.

Why do you feel suicidal? Is it because of addiction struggles or other issues? It helps me to talk about what bothers me; maybe it would help you to share with a close friend or ? Think about the things you always wanted to do and see. If you quit life young, you cause the butterfly effect - changing all kinds of things in the future for the worse. There could be someone so special waiting for you that you'll wonder how you lived without them - and a freckled little boy that looks just like you do. Don't miss those opportunities!

What do you think about changing some of your routine to go explore new things? What you ask? Movies, music - live concerts, walks in places you've never been and shop for some new clothes. Ask a friend out to lunch. I always thought it was better to just stay home until I started doing these things - then I realized I was missing out - it was actually fun.

Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks, there's already one asshole in there."

Dale
 
Dale, you are so wise! It's really nice to have you active on this forum!

I'm in Atlanta, so I hear ya about the South and how shitty it is. I spent a couple of years in the Pacific Northwest and loved it and am dying to get back out there. I highly recommend at least a visit up there, if not moving there one day...legal cannibis and just a different, more positive environment, in my opinion.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Though, please try to not dwell on the past and past mistakes. Today is a new day and so is tomorrow. I know that's easier said than done, but try and focus your energy on making life a little better...even if its just small steps like getting a small workout in or doing a load of laundry. Things like that, no matter how small, make me feel a little better and remind me that I am a capable human being
 
CJ. We go through what we go through and no one can deny another person their pain. If you view what I am about to write with an open mind perhaps a shift in perception will occur. Over time, a shift in perception leads to a shift in perspective. Perception is how I view my situation while currently in my predicament, perspective is how I view it through the lens of time.

What if drugs were still the problem? <snips> Fear of detox in jail: COMPLETELY LEGITIMATE. Can't get in to transitional living because of buprenorphine: Not really legitimate, but rules are rules. <snips>

You are a valuable person CJ. You have been and will continue to be a valuable member of this community no matter what you do as long as you keep contributing. Only when I had lost what I believed was any glimmer of hope for something better did I get the opportunity to really find hope. I love you and the best way I can demonstrate that is by not lying to you...
 
Last edited by a moderator:
The hospitalizations stem from borderline personality disorder and depression. I'm not in any mental state to go through opiate withdrawal right now. Maybe in the future but for the moment I'm going to stay on maintenance.

I started cutting again yesterday. Carved up my thighs pretty good. Kind of ashamed to be 29 and cutting like a teenage girl but I'll be damned if it isn't really therapuetic in the moment. Love seeing that blood and the endorphin rush that follows totally clears my head of all the negative thoughts.

I feel a little more centered today. I'm going to talk to my mom about getting a new phychaitrist. I really need to find a med combo to calm my ass down before I end up killing myself. This is the deepest darkest headspace Ive ever occupied for a period of time. I've kinda given up on SSRI as a class of drugs. I always said I would never try ECT but I'm starting to wonder if it's not my last best chance. I wish ketamine therapy was available in my area the research results are really promising on it.
 
Hi cj!
I was about to hint you about ECT but you already have been considering it.

Current version of ECT they give to you is nothing like it was in the 1970s for example and it is really effective for depression which doesn't respond to traditional ADs.

I've seen plenty of people to start living their life on their own after ECT and their lives had been very depressing and some people even couldn't even handle daily tasks suck as taking care of your hygiene on their own.

ECT is something you should really consider being worth the shot.

Ketamine seems to be quite effective also atleast for me as I have been in a surgery in which the anaesthesics had to be done by ketamine as I had so huge opiate tolerance/addiction and the aneasthesics Dr. thought it would be safer to use ketamine instead of other drugs.

I had severe depression (and I mean clinically, not just as in being in depressive mood. I suffer from bi-polar type II disorder.) and it literally went away in a blink as when I opened my eyes my depression just had went away.
 
Yeah I've learned I can't handle benzos at all. They kind of started the chain reaction that has fucked up my life. I totaled my car fucked up on bars a couple months ago. Aftee the wreck that night I tried to kill myself and ended up in the hospital. I was already in a downward spiral before that but it certainly sped up the spin.

The lake is pretty to look at but it's really lonely up here. Looking back at the past I had it good. I was stable on methodone had a car ect but as usual I fucked it up. Feel like a moron. Oh well hopefully this shit will pass.

I wish I had a lake house.

Stay strong buddy!
 
Hi cj,

Just wanted to pop in and say hello. I hope today is a good day for you. Keep up the good fight my friend.

Here for you,:)
hugs,
Ash.
 
Hi cj,

Just wanted to pop in and say hello. I hope today is a good day for you. Keep up the good fight my friend.

Here for you,:)
hugs,
Ash.

Thanks I'm trying. I wish I had gotten the borderline personality diagnosed sooner it might have made me consider some different decisions in my past treatment.

I wish I could check back into the hospital but they told me if I got admitted again they would petition to send me to the state hospital which has a gnarly reputation for neglect and violence. So I kinda feel like I'm out of options.

Besides the more I read about borderline personality disorder the more it seems medication isn't the Frontline treatment. Medication is all the hospital phych wards around here have to offer. I guess DBT therapy is the gold standard for treatment but it's expensive and time consuming. Then again the alternative sucks. I'm just trying to figure this shit out in my head.
 
I have been attending to DBT but not for borderline personality disorder but instead for bi-polar disorder, PTSD and SUD.

It has been time consuming and really rough stuff but has helped me to realize a lot of things and do some changes in my behaviour.
 
Thanks I'm trying. I wish I had gotten the borderline personality diagnosed sooner it might have made me consider some different decisions in my past treatment.

I wish I could check back into the hospital but they told me if I got admitted again they would petition to send me to the state hospital which has a gnarly reputation for neglect and violence. So I kinda feel like I'm out of options.

Besides the more I read about borderline personality disorder the more it seems medication isn't the Frontline treatment. Medication is all the hospital phych wards around here have to offer. I guess DBT therapy is the gold standard for treatment but it's expensive and time consuming. Then again the alternative sucks. I'm just trying to figure this shit out in my head.

DBT is some amazing stuff, even for other disorder. But for DBT it's phenomenal.

That's pretty fucked up about your hospital. I've been really impressed with how much more accessible DBT has become in CA over the last five years. Pretty cool.

I think a friend of mine with BPD did DBT therapy (if not exactly DBT, something very very similar). You'd NEVER guess she ever had this kind of problem from the encounters I've had with her. Very strong, cool, calm and collected individual.

I don't want to promote anything unrealistic, but is there no way your mom would send you out of state for treatment? If you have insurance, or if you get insurance in another state, it wouldn't necessarily be too expensive given her limited finances right now.

Also, it seems like it would be a really good idea for you to really try getting on disability.

With you diagnosis of BPD and history of trauma, it shouldn't be too hard to get onto it with if you can just find a compassionate/understanding doctor to support you. That would also help give you more options of finding care, because Alabama sounds like it has really poor mental health treatment options (like, shit all, if you'll excuse my language and the fact I've never been to your home state).
 
I do have insurance thankfully. Alabama is a terrible place in general even worse if you are sick. In general there aren't many places that do non-acute inpatient phych care. The model is very much stabilize and refer to outpatient for continuing care. I thought about going to Atlanta and going to Emory University ER and say I'm suicidal just to get a look at what options are available in a bigger city but I probably won't at this point. I'm going to try and find a therapist/phychaitrist combo who specializes in bpd. I'm going to price out how much ketamine infusions are but I'm not holding my breath it'll be affordable.

At the end of the day I know I will need to make drastic lifestyle changes if I'm going to keep living. I need a job/car I want my own place friends and a gf. I'm so tired of being alone.
 
Thanks I'm trying. I wish I had gotten the borderline personality diagnosed sooner it might have made me consider some different decisions in my past treatment.

I wish I could check back into the hospital but they told me if I got admitted again they would petition to send me to the state hospital which has a gnarly reputation for neglect and violence. So I kinda feel like I'm out of options.

Besides the more I read about borderline personality disorder the more it seems medication isn't the Frontline treatment. Medication is all the hospital phych wards around here have to offer. I guess DBT therapy is the gold standard for treatment but it's expensive and time consuming. Then again the alternative sucks. I'm just trying to figure this shit out in my head.

It's because personality disorders typically feature people who don't see anything wrong with their behavior, don't think of it as problematic. It's normally family members/loved ones/the community/court-ordered-rehab that leads the individual to get help.

It's my understanding you do find your symptoms distressful and want help though; so don't feel too bummed out.

Therapy is probably the #1 for personality disorders (but low success rate; however borderline = higher success rate than the other ones i.e. antisocial, etc.).
 
Sounds like you know exactly what you need cj. That's something I've liked about you since we started getting to know one another :)

It's because personality disorders typically feature people who don't see anything wrong with their behavior, don't think of it as problematic. It's normally family members/loved ones/the community/court-ordered-rehab that leads the individual to get help.

It's my understanding you do find your symptoms distressful and want help though; so don't feel too bummed out.

Therapy is probably the #1 for personality disorders (but low success rate; however borderline = higher success rate than the other ones i.e. antisocial, etc.).

I really hope you become a therapist some day <3
 
Hello cj,

I just wanted to pop on to see how you're doing today? I hope you're having a great weekend!

Your friend,
Ash.
 
Hello cj,

I just wanted to pop on to see how you're doing today? I hope you're having a great weekend!

Your friend,
Ash.

I'm feeling better then I was a few days ago. The intense depression has somewhat lifted after it peaked two days ago. I need to make sure I'm getting enough sleep as insomnia seems to be a big trigger for my extremely negative thoughts.

I think I found a therapist who specializes in borderline so I'm going to try and make an appointment tommorow. I'm looking forward to starting therapy again. I liked my old therapist but he specializes in trauma cbt and addiction not DBT and borderline. Im going to talk to my mom and see if we can afford for me to see both weekly.

I'm going to start looking for a weekend job soon. I want to get back into waiting tables. I loved that gig.
 
Good morning my friend!!! Well it's morning where I am. ; ):)

I am SO happy you found a new therapist that is really great news to wake up and hear.

And yes, try to get more rest, and be easy on yourself okay? You're going through a lot. Be kind to yourself, you're doing just fine cj.

And I think it's really great that you are looking for pt work. It's good to slowly ease your way back into things. And it's great that you love waiting tables, life is so much better when we're not forced into some miserable job you know? Do what you love.

Big hugs my friend, here for you, pm me anytime,
your friend,
Ashley.
 
Hi cj!! Me waving at you...lol ; )

How is your day going my friend? Let me know if you need anything.

your friend,
Ash.
 
Thanks Ashley. The intense depression has lifted over the last couple days. I mean I'm still depressed but it's that "I'm gonna kill myself right now" kind of depression like I was feeling. I haven't self harmed in 48 hours which is good because my arms and thighs are pretty well torn up. Going to have some nice new scars. I'm still waiting for the therapist office to call back and let me schedule an appointment I'm hoping I can get in fast because this counselor seems great she specializes in personality disorders and DBT.

My home life is still extremely stressful. I need to move out really bad but I have no idea how to accomplish that. I'm trying to just break things into small chunks because looking at the whole situation makes me extremely depressed. I'm lucky to have so much support here because I don't really get it anywhere else.
 
Hi cj,

I am so happy that the really bad depression is gone!!! That's so great!!!

Happy too that you have a great counselor and hope you get in with the therapist quickly!!!!

As far as your home situation just take things one step at a time, really focus on you right now. The rest will fall into place. Okay?

I hear you about getting good support here, because I feel the same way.

Here for you anytime,
Ash.
 
Top