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Thread: I'm getting there I think.

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    #26
    Woah GreenDark - you've slid way down the list here on Bluelight. Let's get you back up at the top where you belong

    I think we're twins of sorts - I can run quite fast from all the treadmill use, but if I had to run using my arms and hands, there'd be a messy crash scene. I hate lifting weights - well except for a can of soda.

    On a more serious note: I forgot to ask about your diet - are you eating enough to keep up your energy? I lost 8 pounds since I started my thread and I got quite weak from not eating enough due to lost appetite. That's something we all need to be careful of.

    I'm really glad to hear you talking about feeling good again. I hope you feel that more and more. You got clean all by yourself. That is serious motivation - serious inspiration to others too. People that find your thread in the future will learn from it that it is possible to turn their lives around because you shared your own experience. There is a saying that "You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one." That is so true.

    urges just to lie on my couch or bed
    I know that feeling well - and my long time tested solution is to go lay on my couch or bed :-)

    Til next time,
    Dale
    Last edited by SoCal424; 15-05-2018 at 15:58.
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    #27
    Hey Dale,

    I'm eating again, but mainly crappy food as I'm low on money as I decided to pay off some bills in advance. I've also been drinking protein shakes and things like that. I'm going to go stay with my parents for a few days, I leave this evening. I'm hoping a change of scenery and some decent food will do me some good. It'll be nice to just hang with people I love too.

    Day 11

    I tried working out again but my upper body is in agony after going crazy with the push-ups and bench presses yesterday. I managed to do some exercise, but my body needs a few days rest as it's not used to upper body exercise. I'll try again tomorrow. I also had a restless arm last night, not the soul destroying type, just enough to let me know that it hasn't gone away completely. I couldn't stop thinking about drugs late last night and early this morning. There are no cravings to use, it was more looking back at good and bad times while using. I'm still very lethargic but I'm very hopeful I'll make it out of this hell.
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    #28
    GreenDark- I've been thinking about going to see my brother in another state. I haven't seen him in years. I want to go now, but I know I shouldn't until I get to the point I can sleep at night better, but as soon as that happens, I'm going. I'm going to share with him too about what I've been through.

    I'm still weight lifting here too (think diet coke again). Good thing happened to me yesterday. (first some history) - I slipped many years ago in some sand left on the sidewalk and messed up my shoulder. After the surgery healed, I couldn't life my arm beyond straight out sideways. So, yesterday while working in the yard, I felt something snap hard in that shoulder but it didn't hurt - and now I can raise my arm again. I can finally reach the upper cupboards. I am so jazzed over that. It pops each time I raise it, but that doesn't bother me. I think something had healed together that shouldn't have - and it finally broke loose.

    Going home is a really good idea. Have a good time, take pictures and spread the love there.

    Dale
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    #29
    Dale,

    Go for it, go see your brother. I change of scenery has done me a world of good. My sleeping pattern is unconventional but consistent at the moment. I seem to fall asleep between 4 - 5 am and wake up between 11 and 11.30 am. It's been like that for the last 3 or 4 nights. I'm just happy to be getting between 5 and 6 hours a night now and I'm sure falling asleep at a reasonable time will come back to me.
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    #30
    Hi GreenDark-

    Go for it, go see your brother.
    I will do that for sure, but not yet. I need to get a little better first. He will want to take me all over the place during a time when I still mostly want to stay home and rest. I will probably book a flight in another month. It's a five hour trip through a very hot desert (each way) if I don't fly there.

    I slept pretty good last night myself - more than in the last week. I think it was midnight when I fell asleep. Like you, I don't care when I sleep - I just want to sleep. Sleep is a therapy, a freedom even, from going through withdrawal.

    You are staying so positive now that it even makes me feel more positive when I'd rather pout. I thought about your thread title "I'm getting there I think." I think you have "Arrived" - maybe with a few little strings still pulling back on you, but nothing at all you can handle. What a giant accomplishment this is for you. It's time for you to put on that t-shirt that reads "I've Got This!" I saw a guy wearing that shirt yesterday and thought of you.

    Now on to the question of the day:
    Ready?
    A prostitute, a meth addict and a drunk are all in a car - who's driving?

    A: The Police

    Take good care of yourself buddy,
    Dale
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    #31
    GreenDark- How's things going?

    I had total insomnia night before last. What a big difference it makes in how I feel (like beaten and put away wet). Then, last night, I slept nearly 8 hours without waking up once: blissful wonderful sleep :-) I feel a lot better today, but still having those "cold" skin sensations. Maybe it will take quite a while for them to stop completely. Do you get them in mornings too? Do your feet feel cold? I feel it on my upper back, shoulders and the top of my feet mostly every day. Then, as the day warms up, it lessens.

    Let me know how you're doing buddy. I've been wondering.

    Dale
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    #32
    Hey Dale,

    It's day 13 for me now and I'm doing well. I got back from my parents today and it was a much needed break. Healthy food, working in my dads garden and proper sleep (6 hours+ a night) has done me the world of good. I still feel cold all of the time, it's more on my arms and upper body than anywhere else. I've had some strange looks as I been walking around in a coat and a wool hat during some very warm afternoons.

    I'm starting to feel the boredom they talk about setting in. I'm guessing it's becasue I don't have acute WD's to occupy my mind. I've been making plans to keep myself extremely busy next week, meeting friends, going back to my parents for a night, home improvements and working out daily. I still haven't had any urges to use Heroin which is great but I'm also wondering if massive craving are all of a sudden going to hit me one day.

    I'm glad to read you managed to get some sleep. Insomnia is no joke, especially when your body needs all of the sleep it can get to help repair itself. I've been encouraged by your progress and I'm glad you're still keeping strong and progressing. We've got this.
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    #33
    GreenDark-

    I'm glad you made that trip to your parents. It probably did all of you some good. I think you are entering a new stage - one that has new demons you need to watch out for. You talked about keeping extremely busy and about boredom. Please take the time to read an article about this very subject. Here is the link: http://addictionblog.org/recovery/bo...ction-boredom/

    It's not too long, and I hope you find it helpful,
    Your friend,
    Dale
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    #34
    Thanks for the link, I'll spend some time reading through the rest of the site.

    I've had the same controlling routine for many years now. A routine I thought I was happy with when I wasn't happy at all. The only happiness I felt came from the reward of completing the routine, the use of drugs.

    The article talks about the freedom of choice. I now have the freedom to do whatever I want. I no longer have to endure a repeating cycle of misery (finding drugs, waiting for drugs) in order to feel reward and happiness. (using the drugs) I found enjoyment in life before I became an addict, so I'm pretty sure my brain can begin to rebuild. It'll take time, but I'm positive it will get better.
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    #35
    controlling routine
    I knew we were of similar mind. I used to be very controlling, but I calmed down as I got older, and I learned new ways of handling things. For example, now, I go jogging just to remember what heavy breathing sounds like :-)

    What I got from the article was that we need to find new ways to cope with boredom, and to learn that it's okay to be bored and do nothing about it. It's another step towards freedom from drugs that we all have to get past. I have faith in you that you'll be just fine, but I like to share articles sometimes if I think they can help - and I hope they do help.

    I’ve learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

    Peace,
    Dale
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    #36
    Two weeks free from heroin.

    Today is the first time in the last 5 or 6 days I've only had myself for company and I hate it. I ended up going to sleep for an hour and half just so I could escape my own thoughts. It's crazy when I think back on how I'd deliberately try and isolate myself from the rest of the world. I'd lie about being sick, broke, already having plans, working and what ever else I could come up with just to avoid people so I could stay home alone and take my drugs. I thought I'd be ready to take on the loneliness and boredom of being sober and alone but I'm not. However, I'm glad I feel this way, I'm glad I'm yearning for human contact and to be sociable as it shows a lot of my self isolation was down to heroin and the false sense of security it offered.
    Last edited by GreenDark; 20-05-2018 at 01:05.
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    #37
    Gardenmeister
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    Quote Originally Posted by SoCal424 View Post
    And....get ready... I used to walk my dog in the park, but I had to stop because the ducks kept trying to bite him. I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog eh?
    Forgive me - it's Monday....
    Dale
    LOL! I read it on a Saturday and it's still funny!

    You two are both doing great and I love the positivity going back and forth. It's amazing what encouragement can do. @Green Dark, I love your user name. I used to paint with pastels (pure pigments compacted) and I had an entire tray of greens. My favorite green to use was so dark it appeared black unless you looked really hard. Whenever I see your user name I think of that velvety, mysterious hue.
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    #38
    I'm glad I'm yearning for human contact and to be sociable as it shows a lot of my self isolation was down to heroin and the false sense of security it offers.
    GreenDark- What kinds of things did you do before using? Do those things still have meaning to you so that you could pick up where you left off? Human contact is good for you (except for my ex-mother-in-law). It usually doesn't come looking for you though, so I hope you will find a way to get out of the house and meet new friends - or call up some old ones like you've already done, and ask them to help you meet others. One way to meet others is to take a class. Another is to invite friends to lunch in busy places, where you can accidentally bump into someone you find attractive. Church is another idea if you like going there.

    Take care,
    Dale
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    #39
    I feel better today. I had no energy this morning (day 15) as usual, but I still managed to coax myself into a small work out which stopped my eyes from feeling so heavy. I began to think about how I used spend my Sundays before I used heroin and I couldn't think of anything. Then I realised it was becasue on Sundays I never used to do anything, I'd chill out with a beer, watch TV and cook. So today I've bought a small beer, watched some TV and I plan on cooking dinner later on. I also got in touch with a couple of friends and I'm heading over to their place tomorrow for dinner. My friends have no clue about my drug use so tomorrow might be the time I finally tell someone other than my doctor. Either way, I'm looking forward to it.
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    #40
    GreenDark-

    I'm glad you're feeling better today and trying to get back into a normal routine. Maybe it's time for a new Sunday routine though - do you like exploring - like walking down alleys to see what's there (sometimes is very interesting but don't go at night). Do you like dogs? (Am I repeating myself?) They can be very good pals. I'm as bonded to mind as they are to me. They never complain or tell you what to do. I go for walks and always take a different route just to see the interesting old houses and yards. If you do that, take pictures. I'd like to see them.

    Since you're meeting with friends again, I have a tip for you: You know that tingly little feeling that you get all over when you meet someone that you really really like? That's common sense leaving your body :-)

    Dale
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    #41
    I've been looking forward to today all weekend. Dinner and a few drinks with friends. This morning something inside my mind was trying it's hardest to stop me from getting on the train and heading out. "Just stay in bed" "you feel awful, just say home" It was an absolute struggle to motivate myself to leave my house but I knew once I did, and I sat myself down in the carriage seat, I'd start to feel better. I was right. Socialising today was a reminder of how my life used to be, a reminder of how much I enjoy me being around my friends and a reminder of how much I loved my life off heroin. Today felt great and I'm doing it all over again on Sunday.
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    #42
    GreenDark-

    Thanks for your post over in my hole in the wall. I'm still kind of achy today, but I don't feel so cold. Emotionally I feel better. That's more than half the battle with me.

    It sounds like you have really snapped back. I know that hesitation feeling real well that you've experienced, and like you, when I pushed myself to go, I have always been glad I did. It's always nice to come back home too where it's quiet and peaceful. Remember that you control your tomorrow - your destiny - one day at a time. I hope you have a great time Sunday :-)

    I went on a date recently with a girl that took me horseback riding. It was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters.
    Dale

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    #43
    Quote Originally Posted by SoCal424 View Post
    GreenDark-
    Thanks for your post over in my hole in the wall.
    Hey Dale,

    No problem. It's great to read you're feeling better! I've been clean for 18 days now. Insomnia hit me hard towards the end of the weekend and the beginning of the week but last night I managed to get over 8 hours sleep. It felt great to sleep for so long. Strangely after all of that sleep I'm feeling tired today. Physically I'm staring to feel great but my emotions are a little up and down. I feel happy and positive most of the time but sometimes I catch myself feeling upset over the smallest things. I'm positive it's just PAWS and it'll correct itself over time. I'm also considering moving into a new apartment. Where I live now holds to many memories of drug taking and despair and I feel a fresh start in new surroundings will help keep me motivated and thinking positive.
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    #44
    GreenDark- Congratulations on 19 days clean. That really is a big deal you know. Pat yourself on the back for taking the hard road and getting past it. You deserve it.

    Insomnia... You and I both know what that feels like. I've been sleeping better the last several days, but I don't trust my sleep habits are normal yet. Have you tried any OTC stuff for sleep? Diphenhydramine (an antihistamine) will make you drowsy - maybe enough to sleep? It's not addictive at all. Don't take it closer than 8 hours before you have to work though as it will make you feel very sluggish.

    Emotions: I've felt the same way as you with the ups and downs and short fuse. I am pretty sure it's because I don't have that opiate in my system that has smoothed over the bumps in life. Do your best to avoid stress creating situations.

    A new apartment eh? I see good and possible negative in moving. Here's why: It is good to move into a new place - maybe a little better than the one you left. That sounds like 100% fun to me, but the memories are going to move with you and you will still need to deal with them. A new place could be where you meet someone special - lots of possibilities happen when you open new doors. If you do move, remember that this can create it's own stresses (like cleaning the old place). Whatever decision you make - it will be right for you.

    Recognizing that I feel agitated and that it's part of healing really does help me reduce the stress level. When I feel down, I turn on the music. It helps me a great deal to have my dogs. I take care of them and they sort of take care of me. They always seem to know when I don't feel great, and they will come around and lay down right next to me and/or lick my hand. Have you thought about getting a parakeet or cockatiel? I had both once and I taught both of them to cuss. Sometimes that parakeet expressed how I felt so well (eff it). Mostly the point I wanted to make is that it helps me to have pets to take care of, and maybe it could help you too.

    Sometimes you don’t realize your own strength until you come face to face with your greatest weakness,
    Dale
    Last edited by SoCal424; Today at 06:23.
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