Lost_FindingMyself
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Apr 22, 2018
- Messages
- 1
Hello Everybody. I?m new and I just need to talk about something. I?ve been diagnosed with Bipolar type II and Add. I posted this on dark side because I feel kinda lost. I take 1,500mg daily of Gabapentin and 100mg seroquel (nightly) and in the morning 20mg Vyvanse. I am completely stable and have been for about 10-12 months. To be honest I?ve been a bit impulsive with my past use of Adderall. Not completely but half of the times I abused it and the other half I felt as if my tolerance became high and experimented with doubling the dose of my previous 10mg and 15mg Adderall. I feel ashamed of it but I suffer from lack of motivation and willpower since I was a kid. As of now I?m 19. I never really got high from it in the sense of euphoria except when I took it when I was taking Effexor a SNRI. I believe that the euphoria I felt when unstable is what caused me to become a bit more impulsive with taking the medicine. Also maybe I take more than I should because the dose is low and my doctor currently hasn?t Rose it in 2months and my previous doctor became extremely cautious due to my Bipolar even though I insisted that it didn?t cause instability and she advised me to find a new doctor for other reasons and because she didn?t feel comfortable prescribing a stimulant. But each time I tried a non stimulant the symptoms were to uncomfortable and it didn?t help. I perhaps have a dependency on drugs in general but only alcohol and weed really. I?ve taken a long break from weed so I?m supplementing it with alcohol because even if I?m stable my issue is that life is boring and shit no matter what I fill my time with. My Issue is that I?m lost. I don?t know what?s wrong. And I don?t know if I could live a life without some kind of drug. I?m currently unemployed but I?m trying to get a job. Maybe that would help. But I need my Vyvanse increased because it?s really low and I find it hard to really get anything serious done. I?m sorry that everything might seem so disorganized and that I don?t even think I have a solid question. I hate myself for having screwed around with Adderall earlier because now it doesn?t help as much. And I know I can?t do whatever has to be done on my own. I?ve tried so hard. I kinda miss depression also. It made me feel alive. And I?m stressed that I?m away from weed. I can?t even cry anymore. If I do cry it?s only for a second or two. Well... for anyone who reads this I would really appreciate some guidance. Some advice. Because I?m lost. Thanks!