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Poppy Seed Tea Withdrawal Is Hell

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iamgollum

Bluelighter
Joined
May 7, 2018
Messages
191
Not sure if this is the right place to post or not. My brain is trying to squirm out of my head and I need some type of outlet so I thought I would post my journal of what I am experiencing.

First a little background. I am a 55 year old male that has been on some type of opiate for the past 20 years off and on (mostly on). I own a successful company, married, three kids that are almost through college and out of the house. Amazingly no one suspects a thing. The reason i note these things is to show that the monkey does not discriminate whose back it chooses to climb upon. Recently my sister was diagnosed with cancer and has asked me to take her to a specialty clinic in Texas for treatment in 2 weeks. Since I cannot take my tea with me, i need to get clean and quick. I think I may have waited too late though.

I am on day 2 of cold turkey from a 3-4 lb per day poppy seed tea habit that I started about 4 years ago. The first day was not horrible and the withdrawals did not start until about 8 last night. Managed to sleep from midnight to about 5am but woke up in full agony. Head pounding, legs aching, nausea, running nose, watery eyes. It is now about 4 on the second day and I am losing my mind. Time seems to crawl by. I know I have at least another week of hell before the physical effects pass but I am not sure I can make it. I have considered trying to evaporate some tea down into a paste that I can transport, but I really do not want to get caught with pure opium at the airport...it's just my brain trying to rationalize using.

I can go through my whole story of how I got to this point, but it seems pointless. Everyone on this site has a similar story of why we use. The thing is I know I should have stopped years ago. My wife and I and kids used to travel a lot, but since tea is not very portable, i chose to just stay home to be with it. My sex life disappeared years ago and my wife and I usually don't sleep in the same room anymore--I say it is because she snores. I used to be very focused on growing my company and just kind of let it go on autopilot. Luckily I have a manger who runs the day to day but it has not shown any improvement in the past few years. I used to do woodworking and build mission-style furniture in my spare time, but now I just get high. I used to workout and run but stopped. I have gained 25 pounds in the past two years and I hate myself.

The highs actually kind of stopped about a year ago. It still relaxed me and made me feel "normal" but for the most part I was afraid of the withdrawals so I kept using. And so here I am using the old "flu" excuse to try and get clean. Who gets the flu in May? I feel stupid and useless. I am smarter than this.

And, I am not sure even now I am completely committed to getting clean. I have about 10 pounds of seeds out in my special corner of the garage still. I should go throw them out but I don't. What does that mean? That I am not serious--just doing to for my sister and plan to go back to my old life once I get past that trip? I don't know, but it worries me.

Okay, I have killed about 30 minutes writing this. Why does time go so slow?! The clock is my biggest enemy right now because I know eventually I will feel better but not soon, and not soon enough.

I will post more later.
 
iamgollum said:
Not sure if this is the right place to post or not. My brain is trying to squirm out of my head and I need some type of outlet so I thought I would post my journal of what I am experiencing.

First a little background. I am a 55 year old male that has been on some type of opiate for the past 20 years off and on (mostly on). I own a successful company, married, three kids that are almost through college and out of the house. Amazingly no one suspects a thing. The reason i note these things is to show that the monkey does not discriminate whose back it chooses to climb upon. Recently my sister was diagnosed with cancer and has asked me to take her to a specialty clinic in Texas for treatment in 2 weeks. Since I cannot take my tea with me, i need to get clean and quick. I think I may have waited too late though.

I am on day 2 of cold turkey from a 3-4 lb per day poppy seed tea habit that I started about 4 years ago. The first day was not horrible and the withdrawals did not start until about 8 last night. Managed to sleep from midnight to about 5am but woke up in full agony. Head pounding, legs aching, nausea, running nose, watery eyes. It is now about 4 on the second day and I am losing my mind. Time seems to crawl by. I know I have at least another week of hell before the physical effects pass but I am not sure I can make it. I have considered trying to evaporate some tea down into a paste that I can transport, but I really do not want to get caught with pure opium at the airport...it's just my brain trying to rationalize using.

I can go through my whole story of how I got to this point, but it seems pointless. Everyone on this site has a similar story of why we use. The thing is I know I should have stopped years ago. My wife and I and kids used to travel a lot, but since tea is not very portable, i chose to just stay home to be with it. My sex life disappeared years ago and my wife and I usually don't sleep in the same room anymore--I say it is because she snores. I used to be very focused on growing my company and just kind of let it go on autopilot. Luckily I have a manger who runs the day to day but it has not shown any improvement in the past few years. I used to do woodworking and build mission-style furniture in my spare time, but now I just get high. I used to workout and run but stopped. I have gained 25 pounds in the past two years and I hate myself.

The highs actually kind of stopped about a year ago. It still relaxed me and made me feel "normal" but for the most part I was afraid of the withdrawals so I kept using. And so here I am using the old "flu" excuse to try and get clean. Who gets the flu in May? I feel stupid and useless. I am smarter than this.

And, I am not sure even now I am completely committed to getting clean. I have about 10 pounds of seeds out in my special corner of the garage still. I should go throw them out but I don't. What does that mean? That I am not serious--just doing to for my sister and plan to go back to my old life once I get past that trip? I don't know, but it worries me.

Okay, I have killed about 30 minutes writing this. Why does time go so slow?! The clock is my biggest enemy right now because I know eventually I will feel better but not soon, and not soon enough.

I will post more later.
Click to expand...


That sounds like a pretty serious addiction. The withdrawal is going to last a very long time and be very painful. Have you considered a maintenance drug like suboxone or methadone?
 
Your sister may have something to make you feel better . My mother in law had cancer and had tons of opiates . Just say you broke a tooth or something and she'll prob share a pill or two so you feel better .
 
Thanks for the quick responses. Some good suggestions. For some reason it is comforting to know there are others out there like me. Guess misery does love company.

Last night was the second night and was the longest, worst night of my life. This is the third day. I am about 65 hours since my last dose of tea and about 48 hours in full withdrawal. I am hoping I can see the light in another 48 hours. My god, why did I do this to my self. The restless legs started last night along with restlless everthing else. Tried pacing the floor but that brought on the sweats followed by the chills followed by sweats, etc etc. Can keep any food down and liquids just flow right through. The racing heart is the scariest part. I have an arrhythmia condition and I keep thinking I am going to have a heart attack. Maybe that would be for the best...

was supposed to take my sister to chemo today but just could not summon the energy. I talked my wife into it and since she thinks I have the flu, felt sorry for me. Just another lie on top of the hundreds I have told to hide my habit.

I can be very focused when needed but this is taking everything i have to not go mix up a batch of tea. This completly self inflicted though. I feel like such a piece of crap--literally.
 
Quick update. I found some Kaviance which is a natural Gaba med. Took a couple of those and 5 looperamides. Maybe it is just placebo, but i think i do feel a bit better. Also, took a hot bath to calm the nerves which also helped. Kind of hated taking the loop since I dont want to trade one addiction for another, but the diarhea was dehydrating me since I could not keep liquids in. Still feel beyond crappy and the time creeps by so slowly. Minutes are hours.
 
Well so much for feeling better...I feel like holy hell. I am not a religious person but I have been praying to any god that will listen to me. I have a pounding headache and cannot concentrate on shit. I am sneezing 8 or 9 times in a row. Having trouble swallowing for some reason. Very anxious and nervous. I know I should find something to make the time go by but still keep watching the clock.

For anyone thinking of trying Poppy Seed Tea, here is some advice--DON'T. The payback is not worth the high. I knew this day was coming and should have tapered a long time ago, but I kept telling myself that I could just deal with the withdrawal when needed. That was stupid. I should never have started using in the first place. I cried like a little boy for an hour this morning wishing it to stop. Not sure how I have kept from relapsing but every hour brings me closer to failing, I know. I am not sure I can do this.

I have read that PST withdrawal can be as short as 5 days and as long as 30. Does anyone know what the average is? I am sure it is different for each user, but if I am looking at 30 days of this, I am going to blow my brains out.

Sorry for posting so much so soon--seems to help to cry on someone's shoulder even it is complete stranger's.
 
Post as much as you want and need. It does help to express yourself and concerns to anyone. Sometimes getting it out helps.

I'm on day one myself of my latest oxycodone withdrawal. I've been sober for months only to fall again. Probably been through this process 8 or 9 times and it drains everything from you. It's crazy the things we do to ourselves and amazing how the body can come back from it. What I'm saying is the physical stuff should be over and getting better soon. Just prepare for the mental part after. It's what always brought me back to using. I haven't figured out my way to get past that part but many have. You've got this. That one hour, day, week all add up to less pain and more you. You'll discover things about yourself and strength that is held within you that you never realized was there.

Good luck and stay strong my friend.
 
@ D_K1984: Thank you for the kind, supportive words. I wish you the best on the difficult journey you are about to start. I have been reading various posts on here to help pass the time. So many similar stories, some very brave. It gives me hope. I think the hardest part of this (aside from time crawling by) is suffering in secret. My family thinks I have the flu and I have quarantined myself in a spare bedroom. I want so bad to just tell my wife what I am and what I have done, but that seems pointless to hurt her. Best to just get clean if I can and be a better husband and father than I have been the past few years. It does change you without you even being aware of it. You think you are holding things together, but fooling those you love is not healthy in the least. I have got to get through this, but it may be the hardest thing I have ever done.
 
I'm back...sorry, but need to do something to pass the time. About 71 hours since my last dose and about 55 hours in withdrawal. I am almost through day 3 but still have the night to contend with. If it is anything like last night, I am going to relapse I am sure.

Feel just absolutely awful--and that is not a strong enough word. Have a weird fluttering sensation in my vision and what only can be described as brain pulses. It is like my brain just wigs out for a second. Very scary and strange. Is this normal? Does anyone else experience this.

Tried walking the dog around the house earlier and did not make it very far. No energy yet very restless. Feel like I should do something but don't feel like doing anything. God this sucks. Can't breathe, heart racing, aches, nausea, diareah, anxiety, restlessness. How do people survive this?
 
So sorry to anyone reading this thread. I must seem like such a wimp. I actually used to run 25k marathons and now I can't seem to beat a simple little black seed. Feel really pathetic. Managed to eat some Jello and a few soda crackers and keep them down. Drank about half of a Powerade but that made its way through in about 10 minutes. Took some more Gaba and three more looperimides. Going to drink some DXM to see if that helps me sleep a bit. Watched some Adult Swim with my daughter but just could not focus on what was going on. I must be really screwed up to not be able to understand cartoons. At about 74 hours since last dose and 58 hours in withdrawal. The coming night has me very worried and I am afraid it is going to be worse than the last one. Having a lot of aches and pains in my legs, arms, and back. Especially my back--and that is where this whole nightmare started 20 years ago. A slipped disc starting a pushmower, a few Darvocets for the pain, and here we are. God, Krishna, Mohammad, Buddah, or whoever is listening, please give me strength.

I went out to my secret hiding place in the garage earlier and stared at the 10 pounds of seeds I have in stock. I thought about doing a small dose and then I thought about throwing them in the trash. I ended up doing neither. The Monkey is still messing with me for sure. My whole process is actually kind of impressive. I am an engineer by trade and have designed a mixing system with a timer. Also I have a centrifugal device that pulls all of the good stuff off of the seeds so not much is left behind. To think of the time I spent putting that together, the complete commitment to my habit is amazing and probably nothing to be proud of. But it is still out there in the garage waiting. If I was really committed to this would I not just take everything apart or smash it to bits? Why don't I? That thought scares the hell out of me. Maybe more than the hell I am experiencing now.

Does anyone out there have any idea how long this will last? Tell me that it is going to end soon.
 
Oh buddy. You've been going through 3-4 pounds per day for four years? Not to be discouraging but realistically speaking you're going to be ill for at least a month. Honestly I would suggest checking out a suboxone clinic. Poppy withdrawal lasts way longer than any other opiate and it is hell. It's honestly a lot more trouble than it is worth. Have you ever tried kratom? Not that it's a good idea to replace one drug with another but maybe that will help you make the transition to something a bit less insidious...although it would be a lie to say kratom doesnt come with its own major drawbacks and bad withdrawals when used irresponsibly. It wouldnt help you much now either. I don't know anyone that has beaten poppy seeds cold turkey. If you manage it let me know so I can congratulate you. It is tougher then kicking a hardcore IV heroin addiction cold turkey for the simple fact that it lasts an eternity. It won't happen as soon as you want it to, but eventually it will pass. Whether or not you want to stay clean is completely up to you. Think about what is really important to you. And if you want to quit but feel mentally trapped, there is help out there for you. You are far from alone in this.
 
@D_K1984: I was wrong about the night before last being the worst of my life. Last night was absolutely horrible. Whatever word comes after nightmarish--would describe it. I wanted to just rip my skin off. Everything hurts. No appetite, pounding headache, nausea, diarrhea, heart feels like it is going to shoot out of my chest. Just want to die. Worst thing I have ever done to myself. It is like the flu times a hundred.

Thank you for your concern though. It does help to think that someone I've never met is hoping I get through this.

I just cannot describe how bad I feel. And the message from the poster above does not give me much hope. But I have not relapsed yet so I do still have some strength I guess. Just not sure how long I can hold out. Have you started your detox yet?
 
Ok, I managed to keep a piece of toast and about 4 oz of coffee down. The caffeine was probably not a good idea, but it did help my headache and I can at least concentrate a little. Small victories I guess. I know there are probably people who are searching this site researching how to make poppy seed tea. I hope and pray they read this thread before they do. If I can keep just one person from this misery, it might be worth it. Please do not try it. Go buy a bottle of wine, a bag of weed, a six pack of beer, anything but poppy tea. You will think you can deal with it and control it but you can't. It's a lie. I started out at 16 oz of seed tea every Friday night as kind of a weekly reward for hard work. And then it crept to 2 lbs, then 3, then I was doing it every three days or so, then every other day, then daily, then twice daily. And when the tolerance started building I kept increasing my dose until I got to the 3-4 lbs per day. It controls you and lies to you. It makes you believe that you are a better person when you are high. That you are more productive. But only for the two or three hours after drinking it. Then the nodding kicks in and you just want to lay around on the couch instead of doing something fun with your family. PLEASE, PLEASE stay away from this shit.

So sorry for posting so much. I think it will help me to go back and read this when I feel weak if I make it through. And, maybe it will save someone else the hell I am going through.

I've made it halfway through the 4th day cold turkey. About 90 hours since last dose and 74 hours in withdrawal. I have read that the acute stuff peaks at about 72 hours so I have to be close to some kind of breakthrough, right? I know that is probably an average based on strength and time of use so maybe I am not even close. God that is a depressing thought.
 
Back again--is there a limit on posting here? Might break a record. Not much improvement at this point. I have been taking benadryl for the congestion and sneezing and I think that is what was jacking my heart rate way up. Stopped taking it and do feel less agitated. However I sneezed 12 times in a row which might actually be a record for me. My 77 year old neighbor heard I had the "flu" and came over and cut my grass....Jesus, as if I didn't feel pathetic enough already. My sister is fighting stage 4 cancer and called to see if I was feeling better as well. Amazing how far this lie is reaching. If anything should motivate me to push forward, that should be it.

I have decided to throw my stash of seeds and mixing equipment in the trash tonight. The temptation is just too great. I think the experience might be somewhat cathartic even. The problem is the trash men don't come until Friday so it will just be sitting in the bottom of the bin for 2 days anyway. It will still be there calling out to me.

Maybe my head is starting to clear a bit. This last post appears a bit more rationale and less raving madman. The physical symptoms are still in full force although I have not had diarrhea in the past 3 hours. which is something I guess. Gross, I know, but accurate.

I have a blog post due on Friday and have not even started. I cannot even imagine what it would sound like considering my current state. Perhaps I could write about how to design and build automatic mixing equipment for poppy seed tea--something I am very familiar with. Wow, was that actually sarcastic humor? Maybe there is hope.
 
Hey just wanted to let you know I'm following your journey and can relate to a lot ! You are doing a great job . I'm hooked on oxy and I have only gone thru withdrawal because I ran out and I know if I would have had pills in my garage I would have caved in a heartbeat , the restless legs always drive me insane . You are stronger than you know . Benadryl is terrible for when you are with drawaling by the way , makes restless legs worse and will make you tired but you won't be able to sleep.
 
@Larimar: Thank you so much for your support. Yes the benadryl was a bad idea--wish I had researched that a bit more. I tried some DXM last night as well and I think it only reacted with the benadryl. God it was horrible--my heart beat must have been 200+. Oxy was my drug of choice for a long time after my last back surgery. I never detoxed from it though, just traded one evil for another. I hope that your withdrawal will not be anything like I am experiencing. It just does not seem to stop. The latest level of hell I am traveling through seems to be depression. I have always been a pretty upbeat person so I have never experienced what I am starting to feel. So many dark thoughts. I cant remember the last time I cried and now I have done it a dozen times in the past 24 hours. Good luck to you. Let me know how you are doing.
 
About 95 hours since last use and about 80 hours in withdrawal. This is late afternoon of Day 4 for those of you keeping track. The family is starting to get worried as I don't seem to be improving from my "flu" bug. My mother who goes to the doctor for everything thinks I might have sepsis and is imploring me to call my doctor. My doctor is a personal friend and golf buddy (although I can't remember the last time I picked up the sticks--just another enjoyment the tea took away). I am fairly certain he would know immediately what was going on. I just need to keep the charade up a few more days. This has got to start getting better sometime.

Still feeling horrible. No appetite, no energy, everything aches, legs have a mind of their own, chills, sweats, brain fades. I keep thinking of my stash in the garage. Would just a few ounces really set me back that much? It is taking everything I have to not cave in.

One bright note is that I have lost about 9 pounds in the past 4 days. Oh sure, it has come off as sweat, puke, and liquid crap, but hey--I needed to lose a few pounds, right? Maybe i can start a new diet fad--the Poppy Seed Tea Withdrawal Diet. All you have to do is give your soul and your in. Yeah, I am having some really dark thoughts...
 
God, has it only been 45 minutes since my last post??? Time is just crawling by and is my greatest enemy. I have noticed my cravings really amp up in late morning and late afternoon. I think it has to do with how I used to make a small batch of tea in the morning so I could be SUPERPRODUCTIVE during the day, then I would make a large batch around 5:00 to just chill out. I think my brain has been conditioned for that schedule and is craving the tea at those times. Or, maybe I'm just losing my mind completely, which could be a real possibility right now.

Starting to really freak out about the coming night. Last night was utter hell and I didn't think the sun was ever going to come up. If tonight is worse, I am done for sure. My will is breaking with every year-long second that passes, I can feel it. It is just too easy to go make a batch of tea. Even if I throw my stock out, my dealer is a local store just a few minutes away. I know I am obsessing now and focusing on the wrong things, but the Monkey can be very persuasive.
 
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