@Belamiable85: Congratulations on Day 9! That is fantastic and you should feel really good about that. Thank you for you kind thoughts as well--I am glad my journal helped. As everyone who has been through withdrawal will tell you--it does get better. But it is a process and it takes time and patience. I really believed that I would just wake up one day and everything would be normal again. It just doesn't work like that unfortunately. But I will tell you that I do remember a specific moment in time--probably about the 3 or 4 month mark where we were at a concert with our kids and I remember looking around and noticing the details on my kids faces and how much they had grown up, I noticed how bright the lights were, how good the music was, the smell of the food trucks, the sun setting--and I realized that was what normal used to feel like. That was what life was supposed to be outside of an altered state. So for what it is worth--the only advice I feel I am qualified to give someone trying to get through withdrawal is find a focal point--figure out the real reason that you need to stop using and concentrate on that when you feel like giving in. I focused on my sister and that she needed me to be clean to help her and it really helped. And, as I said above I think recovery is about winning battles, and if you win enough of them you win the war. Focus on small victories and celebrate them when you win.
The other advice I would give is to start a journal on Bluelight. I cannot tell you how much it helped me. I started mine mostly because I thought my story might someday help someone else in a similar situation and I thought it might keep my mind off the misery. The benefit I did not expect was the incredible support I received. I cannot begin to thank the many strangers who reached across the web with words of support and kindness during my ordeal. It truly renews my faith in humanity.
But the enemy is always there and always calling--The monkey on my back was just a ghost and yet he seemed to somehow call to me across the void and convince me to start mixing up the tea again. I can't tell you why I started using again--I wish I could. In fact, I wish someone could explain it to me because I had no reason to--I made it through and had my life back on track. There was no trauma or stress that caused it. I just made a conscious decision to start again. Even knowing the agony I went through, I still started using again. That is something I have trouble wrapping my brain around. But, I suppose it is my brain that is the problem--I am definitely a drug addict and it easier for my brain to remember a few hours of pleasure rather than 30 days of hell and justify getting high again. I think I will make it back to sobriety--life was too good to not. And, I am not as far gone as I was last time which gives me some hope. I guess the lesson I have learned is that the recovering addict needs to be ever vigilant--that you need to be constantly reminding yourself it only takes one slip to end up back in the pit.
Again, you are doing great--you can do this.
