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Poppy Seed Tea Withdrawal Is Hell

100 hours since my last dose and about 85 hours into withdrawal. Managed to eat a cup of chicken broth and a few crackers. Have not vomited (yet). I am feeling especially achy tonight. My legs feel like concrete but when I lie down they wont stay still. Having a lot of trouble swallowing which is kind of scary. Not sure what is up with that as I can't find it noted as a known withdrawal symptom. Vision also seems very blurry tonight. I tried watching some South Park but everything looked out of focus. Still have no appetite. I have been taking about 4 looperamides every 8 hours and that has really helped the diarrhea. Hopefully I am not just going t get hooked on it and have to go through this all over again...

I still have not thrown my stash of seeds away. Probably will wait until everyone is in bed. If tonight is anything like the last 2 I should have plenty of time to take care of it. I am very worried about the next 8 hours. Nights seem to be the absolute worse for some reason. I will say that I have not had any benadryl or DXM tonight and am feeling a little less anxious. Heartrate still seems elevated but not scary high.

Wish me luck. I will post more in the AM.
 
Man, you're doing great considering what you are going through.

Just bear in mind what you are going through will be in vain if you slip and start using again.
But seriously - you are doing great.
I find things like cannabis really help me - just as a distraction and to shift your mood a little (depression, sadness and anger are all perfectly normal and to be expected.

There's no limit to how much you can post, so if it helps - go wild.

I believe in you - you can get through this. Keep it up <3
 
@Spacejunk: Thank you so much for the support and suggestion. I live in a state where pot is illegal and is not even available for medicinal purposes. And, I just don't have the connections I did when I was younger. As much as I want this to be over, I have taken the attitude that this is the price I need to pay for my stupidity. It SHOULD be intense and unpleasant. If it wasn't agony and misery then I would just go back to using again. Probably some type of karma at work that allows something to make you feel so good but also feel like living death. That may be the most enlightened thought I have had in the past 4 days.
 
Early on Day 5 for those keeping score. About 110 hours since last dose and 95 hours in withdrawal. My headache seems less intense this morning and the nausea seems to be subsiding. I still have no desire to eat but don't have the feeling I am going to vomit every minute. Have not had diarrhea yet today but I think that is the loop working. May try laying off of it today to see what the effect is. I am concerned about getting addicted to it as well. I managed to sleep from 1 to 3 AM and from 5 to 7 AM which mean I have had about 9 hours of sleep since this began. My brain seems a bit less squirmy which is probably due to the few hours of sleep. I don't want to be overly optimistic but I may be seeing a pin prick of light at the end of this dark tunnel.

I did have two very vivid dreams which mean I must have been in REM which is good. I cannot think of the last time I remembered my dreams. Not sure if there is anyone out there that is good at interpreting dreams but here is what they were.

The first one was very surreal. When I was little I would go and stay with my grandparents who lived outside of Terre Haute. My Grandfather was a strict southern baptist minister who did not believe in luxuries so they did not have indoor plumbing (yes even in the late 60's). I was always scared to death to use the outhouse since there were wasps in the day and bats at night that would get in it. And just the thought of what might be lurking below those two dark holes cut in the wooden bench. And then there was the smell...Anyway, I would wait until I was about to explode before going so my grandfather would make me go into the outhouse. The entire dream was me as a 6 year old boy being forced to go into this outhouse with monster sized bats and wasps. There was some weird slug like creature climbing out of the holes. But still my grandfather kept forcing me inside. That was not a very good dream. Probably has some thing to do with facing my fears, I would guess.

The second one was also weird, but not scary. For some reason I was on a business trip to northern Scotland and was in a small town right on the edge of the coast. For some reason there was a Walmart there and I was shopping with a guy named Chris (no clue who that would be). A girl that I used to date in high school was working there. She looked exactly the way she did in 1986 and I looked exactly the way I do in my current state (4 day beard, death warmed over). After a weird scene involving ears of corn and bananas...she, Chris, and I drove to a little seaside park where the waves were crashing against the shoreline. She and I sat and embraced and she told me that she was twice divorced and the reason she was there was because her current husband had been transferred there. She told me that her parents had moved to Florida and that her sister had overdosed. I have no idea if these are true or not. I told her about my sister with cancer and how my wife and I had drifted apart in the past few years as the kids had gotten older. That probably is true and the main reason for my addiction. Anyway after the long talk, Chris drove us to a party where they were taking photos of people and superimposing them on psychodelic backgrounds which was very weird. Then I woke up. Anyone want to take a crack at what that means? Is it just my brain trying to reboot itself?

Still have not thrown my stash away. It rained most of the night and I just did not have the energy to get up and go out in the rain to do it. Probably just the Monkey messing with me.
 
I'm glad you got a bit of sleep. It will continue to get better. Even though I've failed many, many times I always come back to the conclusion that this stuff absolutely destroys us in everyway. You don't notice it really until you've either hit that downward slope to rock bottom or start to put real committment into getting clean and experience those killer withdrawals. Sure, you could go back to using and feel better. I've taken that option more then I'd like to admit but every time I did three things happened: the feeling from the drugs was shit, I just extended my misery, and I had a overwhelming feeling of guilt. The guilt has stayed with me but it's more then just failing at staying clean. It's the guilt of what I've done to get high. Things I'll never be able to forget.

Sorry, I lost track of my thoughts there. I just wanted to say you're kicking ass and hanging in there. I may not know you but I am proud of your effort to see this through. You can do this. You've got people here who believe in you and want you to succeed. If nothing else to be selfish and see someone come out of this pit of hell.
 
@D_H1984: Thank you so much for the supportive words. It does mean a lot to know someone understands and cares. Since I have mostly suffered in secret, locked in the bedroom, it has been a very lonely ordeal. Logging on to this site and posting my thoughts has been a godsend.

I have had minor withdrawal before from vicodin but that was nothing like this. I think the last time I was completely clean was about 3 years ago for about 3 months. My tea habit had not really gotten to problem levels (comparatively speaking) so there really was not much of a withdrawal that I can remember. I plan to remember this in vivid detail. If I go back after this week of hell, I really am an idiot.

How are you doing on your detox?
 
You got some sleep! Hallelujah!!!

This (in my experience) is the hardest bit. The fact that you got a couple of fitful naps is a really good sign.
You're getting through this ordeal - i'm really happy for you!
Obviously its just a start, but a bit of shut-eye makes you feel a little less like you're on the brink of total nervous breakdown.

Keep up the good work :)

And remember - distraction can really help. And ehen you can face it - exercise can help use some of that nervous twisting energy.
You've got this! <3
 
@Spacejunk: Thank you so much. The sleep was definitely helpful as I am finding it easier to concentrate today. I managed to keep a bit of coffee and toast down and my headache is gone for the first time in 4 days. I have really tried to avoid caffeine and sugar during this as I have read that they can extend withdrawal. But in the process I think I am also withdrawing from lack of coffee as well.
 
Keep it up man. It really is impressive that you have managed to go this long without even while having the seeds in your possession. Lack of sleep truly does make any withdrawal so much worse, so the fact that you have managed to get any is awesome. I have never personally been through what you are going through with poppy tea but someone close to me has, and I had to watch her go through it while doing my best to make sure she was as comfortable as possible.

It wasn't possible without the help of suboxone in her case. I managed to score enough on the street to get her through the very worst of it, but I often wonder if that didn't just prolong it in the end because even after that first week she was still in really bad shape and unable to do much but lay in bed and be miserable.

I understand what you are going through and you are showing amazing resilience. Keep it up man and keep taking notes here. I am interested to see how long this withdrawal lasts since you are doing it cold turkey. I read some people like to taper down but it seems to me that wpuld be inconsistent and difficult to do accurately unless you weighed the seeds I guess.

Sorry for the rambling. Keep it up man! Sounds like you are making some true progress :)
 
@CosmicG: Thank you so much for your supportive thoughts. I really wish I had thrown my inventory out before starting this nightmare. It has only made it that much harder to focus. The cravings are incredible and so hard to resist. My Monkey keeps telling me that just a little will be OK, that there is no reason to suffer if I don't have to. As I noted above though, I am trying to look at this as a penance for my past sins. If it were easy, I would learn nothing.

I never considered the suboxone or tapering. And, quite frankly, if my sister did not need my help taking her to Texas, I am not sure I would have quit anyway. Cold turkey is the only meal available to me right now and I have to force it down. I have known I should quit for years but just didn't. Knowing what I know now, I am never going back. I just hope this experience is imprinted on my brain hard enough to overcome the future cravings when they come, and I am sure they will.
 
Took a hot bath which really helped calm the nerves and reduced that "throw myself in front of a bus" feeling. I am definitely feeling a bit better today--not good by any stretch of the imagination--but I believe I am going to survive. The loop definitely wore off and I barely made it to the bathroom which was both disgusting and depressing. Not sure there are enough Tucks pads in the world to make my rear feel better. again. Actually sat on the pot and cried for a half an hour.

I am severely dehydrated, I know. My urine is very dark and has a medicinal smell which probably due to the tylenol and ibprophen I have been eating like candy. I put a gallon jug of water in the fridge and am challenging myself to drink it. I have also not had type of meds today which is a step forward. Legs and back still ache and I have no appetite, but the anxiety is down. I do feel very sad though which is unlike me. I hope that is a temporary condition and I have not screwed up my brain chemistry for good. One reason my sister asked me to take her to Texas and not her husband or one of our other siblings is because I am able to keep her spirits up. Now when I think of her I cry.

In an act of cosmic kindness, though, her appointment in Texas has been moved out an additional two weeks so I have almost a month to try and regain my sanity now. It has to get better by then, right?
 
116 hours since last dose, about 100 hours in withdrawal. Today is definitely better than the last 2. Maybe I am going to be one of the lucky ones and be through the rough stuff in 7 days or so. Still feel inhuman. No headache, but still ache and no appetite at all. I have managed to drink about 32 ounces of water (although about 30 of it just went right through...it's like having two pissers.) Does anyone know how long the GI issues typically last?

I am also especially congested today and keep sneezing uncontrollably. Head still feels very foggy, but no headache so far today and that is with no Tylenol. Anxiety seems to be getting better and has been replaced with infinite sadness which I hate. Although I find today that the newest emotion is anger. I am so pissed that I did this to myself. Everything makes me angry. I yelled at the dog for staring at me awhile ago.

On a cathartic note, my stash of seeds and mixing equipment are all in the trash. I even mustered the energy to push the trash bin out to the road. I was sweating like a had just ran a marathon, but I did it. The trash truck comes about 9:00 tomorrow morning so in 18 hours the temptation (or some of it) will be gone to the dump. That actually felt really good as I didn't think I had the courage to do it. Hope springs eternal...
 
Glad you made it another night and to hear a glimmer of feeling better . Please becareful about the dark urine and dehydration; get some Gatorade and just force yourself to drink. Your dreams seems to be about facing your fears and also yearning for a time in the past . Hope you get some more sleep tonight :)
 
@Larimar: Thanks. Urine seems to be clearing up which is good. Liquids don't seem to stay put very long, though...

You're probably correct about the dreams. I generally don't subscribe to dream interpretation but they did seem oddly specific. The brain is an amazing organ. Not sure why I tried to fry mine...
 
120 hours since last dose and about 105 hours in withdrawal. I have almost made it through day 5. Brain flashes (or whatever they are) seem to have subsided. Very scary--thought I was having a seizure. Maybe that's what they are: mini-seizures or seizurettes. Not feeling as cold and the chills seem to have lessened. Anxiety is way down today. Talked to my sister a long time and she had a really good day which made me happy and not as sad. Definitely think I am on the downward side of this which gives me great relief.

My wife is making me some chicken and rice soup so we will see how that goes. Can't say I really want it but I think some protein would be good and the rice may help the diarrhea. On that note, I took the dog out earlier and did not make it into the bathroom in time. So add crapping yourself to the pleasant things you can expect from PST withdrawal. As if this whole experience is not demeaning enough.

Still concerned about the coming night but trying not to get too worked up about it. I think the worrying about sleeping only works me up so I can't sleep even more. It is strange but aside from the restless legs, the thing that really bothers me is how hot the pillow gets and I just toss from side to side. I actually wrapped a couple of ice packs in a towel and laid my head on that. It really helped to relax me and probably the only reason I was able to get any rest at all.

I've also been trying some meditation which has never really been my thing, but at this point I will try anything. Mostly just trying to focus on a comfort word and nothing else. And no, my comfort word is not Poppy Seed.
 
I have made it to Day 6. About 135 hours since last dose and about 120 hours in withdrawal. Last night was very fitful and very long. I really thought i might get some decent sleep since I managed a bit the night before. The restless legs seem to have stopped but my arms just won't stay in one place. I kept walking the house last night and finally laid down on the Living room couch and managed to sleep from about 6 to 8 AM. Not very restful and no dreams that I can remember. I feel so weak and drained. I look like absolute hell: very gaunt, dark rings under eyes, no color. It almost looks like I have more grey hair than I did before I started this. Maybe I just haven't noticed for a while since I've been in a drug haze. Nausea has subsided, but I have no desire to eat but know I should. I managed to eat half a bagel but am having a lot of trouble swallowing. It is almost like my throat has closed in a bit. Makes me concerned that I may have some kind of medical condition that the tea was hiding.

I have never felt so tired and so restless at the same time. My brain just seems to be vibrating in my skull and I cannot concentrate on anything today. I was starting to feel better yesterday afternoon but today seems like a step backward. I had really hoped I might be coming out of this by now. I guess since it took 4 years to screw up my brain chemistry, it probably is not going to re-balance overnight. I just hope it doesn't take another 4 years to undo the damage.

I watched the trash truck take my old life to the dump earlier. God, I hope it stays there for good.
 
Congratulations on tossing the poppy seeds. I know It's tough, even unbearable at times, but you are going to make it. I am still in awe you have been able to do this cold turkey without any preparation or detox drugs to comfort you. There is an incredible display of willpower in this thread and I truly am impressed.

No matter how you feel, no matter how bad it gets, no matter what evil thought may find its way into your mind, just keep telling yourself "I will get through this." It's only making you stronger in the end. Remember this pain and suffering next time you find yourself thinking about using poppy seeds like this again. Remember the misery and shame now associated with it.

When you are through with this you really are going to feel so much better, not only because you aren't sick any more, but because you will have your life back.
 
Congratulations on tossing the poppy seeds. I know It's tough, even unbearable at times, but you are going to make it. I am still in awe you have been able to do this cold turkey without any preparation or detox drugs to comfort you. There is an incredible display of willpower in this thread and I truly am impressed.
Click to expand...

Fuckin' a! Seriously impressive dude - that takes some seruous strength. I know it's hard, but you're doing great.
Don't let the indignity get to you too much - it does take some time to get your head straight again. But it will happen - it just feels like it's never ending. But it isn't <3

You will be getting your life back, and you'll lose the fear and the guilt of being a secret addict. You're going theough all of this to liberate yourself.
 
@CosmicG, @Spacejunk: You guys are amazing. Thank you so much for your continued support. I rally believe that it has been all the posts of encouragement from everyone following my ordeal that has allowed me to stay strong. It renews my faith in humanity that so many perfect strangers would be so kind and understanding.

I have been trying to finish a blog post for our website that is due today but it reads like a third grader wrote it which is probably about the brain level I am at right now. Think I am going to have to give up and just submit a rerun.
 
Late afternoon of Day 6. 142 hours since last dose and 127 in withdrawal. The day started out rough but got better. Still no appetite and having diarrhea but seems to be getting a bit less frequent. Anxiety is way down and not getting as many cold chills. No headache and feeling less restless. Not as depressed but definitely not my normal upbeat self. Swallowing issue seems to be improving as well which makes me feel better. At this point I mostly just feel really, really worn down and weak. I would kill for 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep but something tells me that is not going to happen any time soon. The nights are the absolute worse--all I want to do is sleep like the rest of the world but my Monkey will have none of it.

I can also honestly say at this moment I am no longer wishing for a cup of tea. It was all I could think about for the past few days and today it does not seem so important. I don't think I will be testing myself, but I think that is a step forward. That is probably a temporary thing as I am sure the cravings will pop up again in the near future. But maybe I have learned a valuable lesson. Baptism by fire is usually very memorable.
 
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