• H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist | cdin | Lil'LinaptkSix

May 'Getting/Staying Clean/Sober Thread' v. showers turn to flowers

I try and not put to much thought into it. just don't get high. I use the places around town where I used to passout at (behind dumpsters, under bridges) and tell myself that I don't have to go back there if I don't want to.

as for hobbies go just do something you enjoy doing. it doesn't have to be something normal (like putting models together or w,e). mine are pretty simple, video games is something I really enjoy doing on my time off, and I call it a hobby because I really enjoy playing video games.

It's good to have some people you can call when ever you feel like using, even if it's close family. sometimes mom/dad/ don't know what it's like for us when we want to get high, they will show their love and talk us out of it.
It's really good to have some phone numbers from people you meet at meetings, or other recovery groups because those are the people that know what it's like going through something at 2am, or when ever.
 
Hydro, thank you for bringing up this subject. Back in the early part of the decade I was shanghaied into going to this self-empowerment forum called Landmark Forum (some older folks may remember it as EST - Erhard Seminars Training - Landmark is a toned down, much less abusive version of EST) and that little voice that never goes away is referred to as "Always Already Listening" and what we perceive as truth is filtered through our own life experience and culture. As an adult it has gotten so automatic that we aren't even necessarily aware that we are passing judgment on what is said or is taking place. I put two plus two together years later in rehab when the therapist gave us a mindfulness exercise that we can use when that voice annoys us (it's never going to go away, so all we can do is redirect it). Sit quietly and without passing judgment, observe your surroundings and describe your surrounds internally, i.e. I am sitting on a gray sofa vs. I am sitting on an ugly, dirty gray sofa etc. My awareness of my own perceptual filters has not only helped in my recovery but has also helped in my interpersonal relationships since I try to be aware of is actually said versus what my perception of what was said is. Another thing I do when that voice got out of control is to sit quietly and do something I enjoy, in my mind. At one point I was a pretty decent home chef and I would mentally prepare favorite dishes, visualizing the actions and sensation of preparation. I heard years ago about an American POW in Vietnam that kept his sanity in the Hanoi Hilton by mentally hitting nine holes of golf daily. I guess it's almost a type of meditation. I've started doing that too, since I got involved in Refuge Recovery. I have ADD so it was very difficult for me at first since each meeting begins with a 20' guided meditation but at this point it is a welcome break from my anxiety-ridden life, and has probably contributed to making my life a lot less chaotic - several friends have observed that my home now reflects that.
 
aihfl, It is inspiring to watch you grow and connect with your experience. F*%king awesome! The hair on my arm is standing up right now.
 
Hey everyone!

Sorry I've been such a stranger lately. Things have been crazy (and sad) since my dad passed away in February.

I can't say that I'm 100% clean & sober but I'm doing the best that I can. No more than 6 beers and a few cigarettes a day. No opioids or amphetamines; Just my prescribed antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds.

Hope you're all doing well. I'm sending you some prayers and good vibes; Please do the same for me.

Peace, Love and Faith,
Dreamflyer
 
hey dreamflyer! sorry to hear about your dad passing, having a death in the family is really a confusing time. I know it was when I experienced it. I had to learn how to inventory it, and know that they are in a much better place.

I'm not one to judge anyone or anything, so if you feel comfortable with having a few beers and not getting carried away with it then more power to you. Just try to be aware of that fine-line that separates normal drinkers from alcoholics.
 
Past karmic follies still haunting me but I ain't afraid of retribution nor do I seek to increase my suffering by making the same bad decisions over and over.

While I do not impose my values on others, I am at a place where I view the notion/concept of addiction entirely as a product of my own creation that must be disassembled by me alone.

I encourage others to seek support however.
 
While I do not impose my values on others, I am at a place where I view the notion/concept of addiction entirely as a product of my own creation that must be disassembled by me alone.
That's more or less where I'm at with it at this point as well. 71 days today.
 
Ever since I started Suboxone recently I don't feel 100% if you know what I mean. Mostly towards the end of the day and the first few hours after I wake up. At work for some reason I feel better most of the time, not all the time though but that's probably cause my mind is kept busy and preoccupied. On suboxone, I just don't have a lot of energy and I'm constantly bored, depressed, and lonely. I don't know what to do about it. Like when I was doing heroin this was definitely not a problem. Probably because I was always busy with everything that came along with the habit and plus it just dulled and numbed my senses. And I never had time to think about a lot of the stuff I think about now. Or maybe I just didn't care because Heroin was my #1 and she was all I needed. But now I think about things like how magical and amazing it would be to fall in love with a girl and have someone I could be close to all the time or having a badass reliable friend or group of friends to go on exhilaratingly fun adventures with. It literally brings tears to my eyes sometimes because I want so badly to have good people in my life to experience the world with me. And yet I am so utterly alone and stuck. It makes me so sad and depressed. I hate it. Im sorry for venting to y'all but I really want to figure this out. Thanks for listening. Sincerely Blue.
 
What is on my mind is how many people I see stuck in a broken toxic system without realizing they are.
 
That's more or less where I'm at with it at this point as well. 71 days today.
Really nice RDP! I have a sobriety timer ticking on my devices and began keeping track of progress for various things on an old fashioned paper calendar.
 
Ever since I started Suboxone recently I don't feel 100% if you know what I mean. Mostly towards the end of the day and the first few hours after I wake up. At work for some reason I feel better most of the time, not all the time though but that's probably cause my mind is kept busy and preoccupied. On suboxone, I just don't have a lot of energy and I'm constantly bored, depressed, and lonely. I don't know what to do about it. Like when I was doing heroin this was definitely not a problem. Probably because I was always busy with everything that came along with the habit and plus it just dulled and numbed my senses. And I never had time to think about a lot of the stuff I think about now. Or maybe I just didn't care because Heroin was my #1 and she was all I needed. But now I think about things like how magical and amazing it would be to fall in love with a girl and have someone I could be close to all the time or having a badass reliable friend or group of friends to go on exhilaratingly fun adventures with. It literally brings tears to my eyes sometimes because I want so badly to have good people in my life to experience the world with me. And yet I am so utterly alone and stuck. It makes me so sad and depressed. I hate it. Im sorry for venting to y'all but I really want to figure this out. Thanks for listening. Sincerely Blue.
Well you may be alone offline but you are not alone here, albeit you are anonymous so it makes one still kind of feel alone a bit.
 
I've been clean from heroin since January 2nd. I've also been off my 5 psychiatric medications for 3 months now. I only do cannabis once or twice a month now. It's the first time in 11 years that I'm so consistently sober in all ways, apart from the effects of coffee and cigarettes. Now though, I feel that it is kind of an urgent matter that I get a job, even if I have to lower my pride and ego for that. Can't sit around home all day without earning any money. I could earn some living by working online, but I've had to accept that I just can't work online as my main job. I need to get out of the house, have a routine, have acquaintances.

I was feeling pretty depressed in the previous month. Even made one (failed) suicide attempt. It was my first real attempt in about 8 or 9 years. I've managed to climb out of that pit of depression but I'm afraid it might come back again. I need to get busy to lessen the chances of letting that extreme despair make a comeback. I'm not hopeless. It's just that the darkness inside me is now a part of me. I had to accept the darkness within me to move on and cope with my life and my reality. Sometimes that darkness can become too overwhelming. Regarding this recent suicide attempt, I remember the moment I decided 'time to die' and stepped off the chair, fully expecting the rope to strangle me unconscious within 10 to 20 seconds. I hadn't tied the knot at a proper distance and my feet touched the ground and I didn't have it in me to re-tie the knot at a properly short distance. It's been 2 weeks since then.

I feel that I've self-programmed myself enough in the past decade (I turned 30 a few months ago) and now I don't need any real human contact for any real purpose, emotional or otherwise. I've rationalized my avoidant personality by using my limited knowledge of science and human psychology. I don't need good things to stay alive. And if I die, so be it. I'm tired of everything. I don't want to work hard at dead end jobs, but I'll have to for the sake of physical survival. I don't need human interaction. All I want are books, music, movies, shows and videogames. I get my emotional fixes from living vicariously through fictional characters and fun and stimulating stories.

My psychologist told me to stop worrying over and remembering the past. I've managed to limit my time spent remembering the past to my dreams and the few moments after waking up from those dreams. Funnily, over the past week, I've had different dreams each night starring 7 people from my past, a different one each night. I've managed to burn all my bridges and don't have any friends and I don't want to make any new ones.

I can't promise that I won't let thanatos consume me again and lead me to killing myself, but I won't do heroin again. That kind of living is no living at all, it's constant suffering and slavery to a substance. Death is better than living like a junkie.
 
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Had to put my last cat down today. She was about 18 years old and went downhill fast the past few days. Couldn't eat and her breathing was very labored. I found her in the engine block of my old Toyota Camry in 2002 and the vet thought she was a couple of years old then. I'm down to just old dachshund now.
 
Had to put my last cat down today. She was about 18 years old and went downhill fast the past few days. Couldn't eat and her breathing was very labored. I found her in the engine block of my old Toyota Camry in 2002 and the vet thought she was a couple of years old then. I'm down to just old dachshund now.

<3

Lots of cats are in need of adoption, in case your heart is open to a new one.

That's an adorable story about how you found her
 
Tough stuff brother. Thank you for sharing it with us. I put my last 17 yo kitty down last week at about 2am. Went to an all night vet. She fell off the cliff real fast. I definitely empathize.

She hid under the bed the first 3 nights I ever had her...didn't eat or drink. 4th night she was laying on my chest purring and she was my buddy ever since. I hope you had lots of good times with yours.
 
I'm going to be moving (yet again) to a nice little college town on the East Coast.

I spent a week visiting some old friends of mine there and they invited me to come live in their little 'mother-in-law' apartment. It was so nice--these are friends of mine from ages ago, long before I got strung out (though they know my whole story). They have two sweet kids and several dogs for my own dog to play with. I forgot how good it feels to socialize with people you really like and who really like you.

For the first time in years I actually feel excited.

Cross-country road trip begins first week of June :D
 
I'd like to move somewhere nice. the neighborhood I live in is like a mix of thugs and ICP jiggalos/juggalettes. the smell of burnt plastic(from them burning the plastics off wire) is in the air 24/7.
Can't even go to and from the store without being hit up for change.
 
I hate telling anyone any news about the loss of a loved one. especially when they are early in the program. Felt bad for the dude.. Told him that I lost my brother too while I was in rehab, and being out of state was really hard. Told him to keep his family close where as I wasn't able to and had to deal with the loss from a distance.

Told the guy I work 3rds 5days a week there and if he needs anything or wants to talk then he can do so with me.
 
damn that's hard news

that's the kind of news that really shakes your faith in recovery, or it gives you the determination not to become a statistic too

you're a good guy D's with a big heart
 
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