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Thread: I think I need to be evaluated, I just don't know.

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    I think I need to be evaluated, I just don't know. 
    #1
    I'm 25, I have an extensive history of childhood evaluations and hospitalization. Mostly homicidal and suicidal ideation stuff, depression, and an assortment of outdated diagnosis from schizoeffective bt to ptsd, each doctor contradicting or second guessing previous evaluations.

    I seriously doubt im a threat to others, but I've become trapped in a vicious cycle of self . I've always been antisocial and idk, stoic? That's not the word in sure. Coldhearted. My second wife would frequently describe me as black and white or elitist, and now thinks I'm monstrous which I assume is probably her way of protecting herself from undeserved feelings of guilt and shame. Cristina would prove to be my last real friend. I remember feeling like she was holding me back. I think I never loved her, just the empty sex and the devilmaycare, parasitic existence she unwittingly enabled for me. I was able to use her to abandon everything th at made me and exist outside of society for the most part and by the time I left her, I could get anything I needed practically without social distractions.

    As of writing this I have not had meaningful contact with a human being, outside of grocery store runs and private lessons for cash, in almost two years. I feel like nothing matters outside of my passions. My old friends tried to speak to me and I felt annoyed with the distraction of it, they have given up entirely now which while pleasant really reflects to me how far I've gone. It's very hard to live like this, financially speaking. I worry about my home but I don't remember how to outcompete others or to be patient with them. Love, friendship, community, have come to feel like construct of a brilliant species, but hallow and niave, maybe weak. This isnt who I was when I was young, I loved and was willing to do whatever I could for others. Now all I love is myself and my work. I'm barely human anymore and that feels right for me but it doesn't work, and I don't know what to do to fix that.

    Drugs stopped doing it for me and I find the idea of getting high kind of boring, I have for quite some time. I don't really dissociate the positive and negative elements to use either, to me it's like choosing to withdrawl or comedown, which I [xxx] loathe doing.

    I don't want to run from the problems I see brewing, I want to do it right. I don't know if this is a problem of psychology or philosophy or what they'd call people like me but maybe someone here can help give me advice before I either go and see a professional or I do not and suffer the considerably threatening consequences therewithin.

    Anyone read this and have some insight? I'd really appreciate it, you'll have my thanks in advance.
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    #2
    Hi ,
    I do not have professional answers but I do have years of experience not attaching to anyone except my children and my dogs.
    just curious what your relationship was and is like with your parents? And if you have siblings, how would you describe your relationship with them? “Feeling like she’s holding me back” is a cognitive statement. Are you able to identify the feeling and allow yourself to feel it? Is it fear, anger, numb, etc? What does barely human feel like? And why does it feel right?
    You r not the first to use another person for relief it’s part of growing. I wonder from early institutional stays if you’ve taken on the social stigma of “I am a monster and will always be this way”? IMO the fact all this is bothering you and I read a longing to connect suggest to me a very loving human being in need of change. I think you answered the question yourself.
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