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    Feelings for friend with benefits 
    #1
    Bluelighter DrugOmen's Avatar
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    Hey guys... I just started a fwb relationship a week ago. We only had sex once so far because it's hard for her to get time to because of her 8 year old. We have been friends for about two months.

    Everything seems great except I have strong feelings for her now and want a more serious relationship. When we started this fwb thing we established that we were going to keep feelings out of it. Obviously this is not the case for me anymore. Idk if she has feelings for me but if she does she doesn't seem to show it except when we were having sex she was staring into my eyes the whole time and I felt a connection.

    She doesn't want a relationship status cause she just gets out of a bad break up from a decently long relationship.

    Another huge problem I have is I'm actually in a relationship right now of 5 years... I haven't seen my girlfriend in 4 months because our circumstances don't allow it right now. I really do love my girlfriend believe it or not but I really want to pursue this other girl too.

    Idk what to do. Can anyone offer me any advice on how to deal with these conflicting feelings? I wish I could be with both girls but I know that's not realistic.
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    #2
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    you feel deprived from the main relationship so are looking elsewhere

    some people will just stare into your eyes in sex and it will fuck your head up if you fall for them

    but to me it sounds like being deprived of your main connection you went for something else

    but FWB and a relationship are not the same thing though it can change over time but it can also change over time in a one sided way
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    #3
    Bluelighter DrugOmen's Avatar
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    I know fwb I'd not the same as a relationship but I want a relationship with her. I also know I am being deprived from my regular relationship both emotionally and sexually.

    The thing is, I can't really leave my girlfriend because she's told me numerous times that she would kill herself if I ever did, so I'm actually stuck without a choice..

    Idk if I even want to leave her because I love her and she loves me to death literally but sometimes I think it would be for the best if I did. She's 35 and I'm 28, not that that matters but sometimes I want someone younger. This other girl is 29, so only 6 months older than me.

    Any advice on this?
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    #4
    Well, try to talk with her about that. If she says that she is not interested for relationship then don't push her or you will loose FWB...
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    #5
    Bluelighter DrugOmen's Avatar
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    That's the thing, I don't want to tell her because I don't wanna lose thr benefits part if it doesn't go as planned.
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    #6
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    Hi DrugOmen -

    Well, you are in quite a mess and it is no wonder you are having lots of conflicted feelings.

    First of all, you are in a long 5 year "relationship" with a woman who on some level feels that it is important to let you know that she will kill herself if you guys break-up. I mean, do you really think that is love? I think you should look at that relationship and see how healthy it REALLY is. My guess is that you will find all kinds of things that are wrong in that relationship, and probably you both are contributing.

    Second, I think you should take care of what you are going to do about relationship #1, before continuing whatever kind of relationship you are having with relationship #2. It is incredibly unfair to your girlfriend of 5 years to be cheating on her with another woman. I suspect that girlfriend #1 does not know about your FWB girlfriend.
    Last edited by SamanthaB; 07-05-2018 at 02:47. Reason: Added some information
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    #7
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    Hmm, the smart choice would be to break up with your current girlfriend. She is not giving you what you need... you're not happy with her and Definitely don't sound like you love her-- let's be honest. Or may you love her... just not in love with her. If she becomes suicidal, call the suicidal hotline. They can hold her up to 72 hours. She needs therapy. You can't help her.

    Then you can go and profess your feelings for new girl. Or not and just continue banging her.

    But you're a guy...

    So you're probably going to just keep the gf on the side, and cont to bang the other girl.

    :shrug:
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    #8
    Bluelighter DrugOmen's Avatar
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    Pretty_Diamonds... Lmao!

    Ok guys things see even more complicated now. So my friend Is the dad of her son. Yesterday I sent her a few pics of me with my shirt off at the gym and he was looking over her shoulder when she opened them. He was pissed and flipped out on her and when I saw him today he was mad because he didn't say a word or even look at me.

    The worst part of it all is now she is questioning if we should even still sleep together.

    About my girlfriend.. I really do love her so much but i m not 100% sure I'm still in love with her like I have always been. I Just have so many confusing feelings. I've never questioned my love for her in our whole relationship. She just called me and it made me feel good to talk to her. I still wish I could be with both girls though.

    Now its going to be even harder for me to try to sway my fwb feelings for me. I know that you can't make someone love you but I can try to do what I can to help move it into my favor.

    I know its wrong and unfair to my girlfriend but I want to keep her incase things don't work out with my fwb. I just don't know what to do. I've never been in such a fucked up situation and had all these fucked up conflicting feelings. Im glad I can come here and vent though. It makes me feel better to get it out and talk to you guys, thank you all for your time.
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    #9
    Wtf freaked out over her getting a shirtless pic from her boyfriend. Jeeeesus im a athiest but lord help me like what atleast its not a dick pic.
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    #10
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    so its the mum of one of you friends babies? thats not without baggage

    she has to interact with the dad regularly i assume so that will put her off

    how close to this "friend" are you

    also when did he have a baby with her? last year or 10 years ago- makes a bit of a difference
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    #11
    Bluelighter DrugOmen's Avatar
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    Pofaced.. I've known him about a year. We are friends but not really close or anything.

    When i asked why he freaked out. She said he told her i dont like anyone touching or talking to my "baby msma".
    She got pissed when he called her that and went off on him and told him it doesn't matter what she does its none of his business.

    She told me she has to deal with him the rest of her life.

    They had their son 8 years ago so its nothing recent.
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    #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by DrugOmen View Post
    Pofaced.. I've known him about a year. We are friends but not really close or anything.

    When i asked why he freaked out. She said he told her i dont like anyone touching or talking to my "baby msma".
    She got pissed when he called her that and went off on him and told him it doesn't matter what she does its none of his business.

    She told me she has to deal with him the rest of her life.

    They had their son 8 years ago so its nothing recent.
    he's a possesive douche then, 8 years is enough time to move on, 1 year is barely a friendship
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    #13
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    Dear DrugOmen,

    These are the last words I will have on your situation. Everyone in this situation is really messed up. Not sure how messed up, but immature at the least and pathologic at the worst. However, I don't care how long you have been friends with this guy, I cannot imagine why you would be in a FWBs relationship with the mother of his child. Friends don't usually f*** or get into relationships with their friends prior significant others. IMHO, I think if you don't get your house in order with all of these people, you are going to bring about the very thing you fear - you are not only going to lose one of the women, you are more than likely going to lose the other one as well as whatever friendship you have with your guy friend. Get some therapy if you are too confused to figure out what to do.
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    #14
    Bluelighter DrugOmen's Avatar
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    Yeah this is something I don't want to hear but you got me thinking.
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    #15
    Bluelighter DrugOmen's Avatar
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    Well for some closure.. She's considering getting back with the sons father so its over. I guess things just work themselves out. I just wish I could have had her one more time..
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    #16
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    It isn't okay for your girlfriend to say things like she will kill herself if you ever break up with her. It isn't okay for you to go after other women while keeping your girlfriend on the sideline in case things don't work out with your other love interest. You should have told her right when you slept with the other girl come on man. Do you know what that does to people?

    So now you're going to continue your relationship with the woman that you already cheated on and sleep soundly at night? Bro. You need to think about this. If you cheated on her once you're going to do it again because why wouldn't you? She still isnt there so that void exists. You can't possibly be in love with her. And maybe she doesnt deserve your love anyway but why do you deserve love?

    Sounds weird with the fwb. They weren't into each other for eight years then decided they were after you two hooked up? Unlikely.
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    #17
    Bluelighter DrugOmen's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CosmicG View Post
    It isn't okay for your girlfriend to say things like she will kill herself if you ever break up with her. It isn't okay for you to go after other women while keeping your girlfriend on the sideline in case things don't work out with your other love interest. You should have told her right when you slept with the other girl come on man. Do you know what that does to people?

    So now you're going to continue your relationship with the woman that you already cheated on and sleep soundly at night? Bro. You need to think about this. If you cheated on her once you're going to do it again because why wouldn't you? She still isnt there so that void exists. You can't possibly be in love with her. And maybe she doesnt deserve your love anyway but why do you deserve love?

    Sounds weird with the fwb. They weren't into each other for eight years then decided they were after you two hooked up? Unlikely.
    I agree it's not ok for her to threaten suicide if I ever left her and I also agree that its wrong for me to cheat on her but these things have already been said and done.

    I have never cheated on her in 5 years except for grabbing a girls ass once and letting a guy suck my dick for $250.. I know both of those instances were wrong but its in the past.

    We have always been honest with each other but idk if I can tell her I cheated on her, atleast not yet. I will not sleep soundly at night if we move back in together. Its going to hurt my mind. Its easier to deal with right noe because we aren't physically together.

    And about the former fwb situation. Her and her ex would occasionally sleep together over the years. We were in drug court together and he just graduated on Tuesday so maybe she's considering getting back with him because he's got his shit together now and had been clean for a year.

    Hopefully I will graduate next month and can get an apartment and have my girl move in with me if that's what I want. I'm still not 100% if I want to continue with her but I love her and she loves me so much. But like I said it complicates things when I'm threatened with suicide. i know this is extremely shallow but a big part of not wanting to stay with her is I want someone younger... That's really fucked up I know.. Idk what to do.
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    #18
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    What brings the the whole suicide threat out anyway? Have you tried to break up with her before all of this and that was the result, or this just how she is? To be 35 and threatening suicide at the thought of a relationship ending says a lot about her own mental maturity, especially if this is a threat ser in stone and not just something she said one time in the heat of the moment, although it is wrong any way you look at it.

    $250 for a blowjob...that seems pretty steep lol. Was this just a bad situation influenced by drugs/alcohol?

    I'm not really sure how shallow it is to desire someone that is younger, but it's not a good sign that this relationship is truly salvageable simply for the fact that she isn't going to get any younger. Basically this isn't true love and eventually you're going to find a way to break up with her or you are just going to keep cheating on her because what you don't like about her isn't something that can be fixed.

    You should think about it. Be honest with yourself. It's going to hurt her a lot less if you are honest and break up with her. Cheating can really damage a person and you don't need the baggage that comes with that kind of karma. It doesn't end well for anybody.
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    #19
    Bluelighter DrugOmen's Avatar
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    She had a really bad life before she met me. IE rape, molestation and a horrible marriage. She just loves me so much she says she can't live without me. I know its not healthy but it is what it is. It just makes me feel stuck without a choice though. Its something she's always said to me...

    And yeah that is a high price for a blow job lol. I'm not gay or bi and was really repulsed by the thought and my actions but this was a result of lots of alcohol and a crack addiction.

    I feel like it is shallow to want a youger woman but I can't help to feel this way. This is definitely causing me the most anxiety of anything in my life right now. Its probably thr hardest decision I've ever had to make and I can't make a mistake.
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    #20
    Bluelighter DrugOmen's Avatar
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    Its not nearly as bad noe but why the fuck do I still keep thinking about her?
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    #21
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    I don't know bro. We can't control what the brain wants, but we can control which desires we choose to act upon by differentiating right from wrong and controlling our impulses. Does your heart want her or your dick? I think this is an important question to ask yourself. Most important you need to figure out what you are still doing in this relationship. I know you care about her but it just doesn't seem like you are in love with her. If you do care about her, it should be your top priority not to hurt her. Being cheated on hurts a lot more then a relationship ending the correct way, at least in my experience.

    You can't save her from herself or her past, but lump being cheated on after a five year relationship with everything else. That's what is more likely to push someone over the edge. I've been through it dude. Still going through it. It is very damaging.

    Maybe you guys can still be friends if she is open to it? That is unfathomable for many people, and for me it didn't work, but maybe for you two that is an option worth considering? I'm no fortune teller, but my gut tells me that your situation isn't going to end well if you keep going like this. Eventually it is going to blow up in your face.

    Or you can do your best to get over the friend with benefits and fix the relationship you have devoted five years of your life to. But her age is only going to go up, so figure out if that is really worth breaking up over. You owe it to her and yourself.
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    #22
    Bluelighter DrugOmen's Avatar
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    Thank you for your reply CosmicG.

    Tbh, its really my dick that has the strong desire. I'm not used to such a tight body.

    The biggest thing on my mind is trying to figure out what I sent in my current relationship. We seem to have grown so distant. Part of me wants to continue what we've built and part of me wants another girl, but if I do that I hsve no idea how I'm going to do it. I'm terrified of what will happen to her.

    She is the only relationship I've ever been in. That could be one reason why its so hard for me to let go. I also really do love her but idk if I'm truly in love with her like i always was.

    I highly doubt we could still be friends if I broke things off and god forbid she hurtbor self.

    I know you are right about if I continue to cheat on her that that will really push her over the edge.

    I know I can get over the other girl. The only thing that keeps me thinking is she said if things don't work out with the other guy, she is still open to having sex with me..

    I really just wish I could I could be with my girlfriend that I love and another younger girl too.
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    #23
    What a clusterfuck... Sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it too, albeit in unhealthy relationships.
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    #24
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    That's a common problem when it comes to FWBs my friend :-) One person (or both, sometimes) start to develop feelings. I've never had a FWB relationship but know others who have. One party always gets burned, no matter how much they say that it is "sex only".
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