Oh Lord I Am Shameful

[the_chad]

Hi guys
So Ive used/abused drugs on and off most of my life with very positive effects and very negative effects.

But I have become so dependant on heroin within the past year, and so depleted of money, that for the first time I literally just prostituted myself out so that I could feed my habit. I just feel so ashamed of myself and dirty rightnow... omg....

Like what does this say about me? Am I a bad person? Is this like the "low" they describe where an addict ceases retain some semblance of hope ofa successful, fulfilling abundant life? Or, with such a body degrading act, am I now among those who will serve only as a statistic?

omg u guys

 

[the_chad]

Because I feel so totally decimated.... i feel like God will never love me again for treating the wonderful bipedal form he granted me as a cheap source for a hard drug, and my goodness,

Why isnt there anyone who cares enough to stop those who seek to deliberately create strife, struggling, hardship and comprehensive desolation for one who is already so emburdened with a great plethora of various pressures, tortures, stinging, sharp bite and chaos?

O Lord, let me be rid of the evil slaard and let me converge with a collective who truly embodys love and healing. For there is no slaard but the treacherous, cantankerous and undesirable and connivingly, detrimentally malicious one, and seemingly no positive force exists to desist such an awful force of pure ego-steeped, materialism-born, wealth-bred cruel and sheer horrid nightmarish proceedings

 

[herbavore]

Because I feel so totally decimated.... i feel like God will never love me again for treating the wonderful bipedal form he granted me as a cheap source for a hard drug, and my goodness,

Why isnt there anyone who cares enough to stop those who seek to deliberately create strife, struggling, hardship and comprehensive desolation for one who is already so emburdened with a great plethora of various pressures, tortures, stinging, sharp bite and chaos?

O Lord, let me be rid of the evil slaard and let me converge with a collective who truly embodys love and healing. For there is no slaard but the treacherous, cantankerous and undesirable and connivingly, detrimentally malicious one, and seemingly no positive force exists to desist such an awful force of pure ego-steeped, materialism-born, wealth-bred cruel and sheer horrid nightmarish proceedings

If you believe in God try to believe that you are always loved. Integrating the self-defeating message that you are unlovable because of any particular struggle that you find yourself in is not a reasonable belief. As a parent, I never stopped loving my kids when they made mistakes. Most believers I know pattern their belief on God as similar to a parent. I hope you can see that you are more than your mistakes or your falls. You are also the same one that gets back up, that feels remorse, that strives to define for yourself right and wrong, healthy and unhealthy, meaning and meaninglessness.

You are in the depths of addiction and so obviously you need to address the drug use--but go further than that because it is just a symptom of whatever ache you have inside you. Feeling the shame and judgment you do right now is only feeding addiction. Step outside of the false view of drug use as a moral problem (it isn't) and see it as an urgent need to reconnect with yourself as you were back when you were very young and had no negative thoughts about yourself at all.

Have you looked into avenues of help where you live? I know you are probably so miserable right now that advocating for yourself might look to be too big a task. But you need help. I'm glad you are turning to the Bluelight community but getting help from every source available is a way to start weaving a safety net for yourself. You are definitely not a bad person.

 

[sonicwhite]

Read the Oarable of the Prodigal Son. I know this feeling all to well. When he lost all his money he worked to pig swine.

He didn?t get anything to eat and desire to be filled with the pods the pigs where eating.

He finally came to his senses and told himself how many of my Fathers hired servants have food to spare and I perish here.

He decided to go back to his father. When he was a ways off his father saw him and had compassion on him and fell and kissed his neck.

His father restored the son that was lost.

I encourage you to see that there is a better way. I?ve been delivered of meth for twelve years. I was tempted massively in the beginning but it started to disappear. God is just waiting for you to go home and come back to Him.

I?m a prodigal Son. I came to my senses after all that I endured. I told myself why don?t I try to do just right. I acknowledge to His I was sinful and disobedient. He came to me on a warm doing day and I had received more then I could ever imagine

I know the feeling of being dirty. I know the stings of death. I?ve had so much happen to me that I knew the only solution was to come to Christ.


Luke 15. Is where you find the parable of the prodigal Son.

 

[Chronicpain54]

Are there Methadone clinics close to you? You could take Methadone to stop the heroin withdrawal and you wouldn't have to sell your body just to stop the physical pain. From there you could begin to work on yourself and what you want to become. One step at a time...one day at a time.

And no, God doesn't turn his back because of what has happened. We all have sins, a sin is a sin. If you are religious then perhaps after you get on Methadone find a Church outreach program that will help you. I wish you the best.
And yes, maybe selling your body WAS your 'hit bottom" moment. Do something about it. None of us are useless or not needed.

 

[DynamistFireTiga]

Brother I too have been below the bottom,



Just know you have a friend in me.

 

[neversickanymore]

Throw out the shame and guilt.. it does no good. It just ends up promoting further addiction as we seek to hide from it in the same thing that caused it. Its a trap. Forgive yourself, as is there anyway else to find you? Fellowships have good work on this, or just make things right whatever way works for you.

But don't get caught in the trap of holding yourself in the standards of a God.. welcome to 8 billion blundering humans of this world


Where do you go now and how ya going get there?