Bluelight

Thread: Adderal changed my life, but consequences loom.

Results 1 to 3 of 3
  1. Collapse Details
    Adderal changed my life, but consequences loom. 
    #1
    For my entire life, due to various traumas inflicted upon me in my youth and my inability to cope with them, and my lack of a caring, responsible, masculine father whose filial duty is to raise his son to be brave, but cautious, righteous, but without conceit, and whose instinct to raise up his offspring to be stronger, better, and to see his son mightier than he but who instead was timid and entirely lacking due to his own aberrant shortcomings, and who failed to show me to hold my head high, but not to look down on others and coupled with an over protective, borderline smothering mother in her deformed, warped idea of affection and urge to shield me which so far goes beyond the pale that her zest reached pedagogy and with feverish and indignant wraith came upon and struck down any who possessed that ability to offer healthy guidance and who had the potential and desire to guide me, she would strike with a forceful blitzkrieg so heavy and palpable it left all I ever encountered shock and awed and wiped of noble intention, whose natural reaction from her was to depart from me in terror of her due to her extreme authority and frightening, smothering and negative charisma innate to her and which has been utterly inflamed and magnified by colleagues, or rather, society, who she so easily sways and goads into granting her authority she effortlessly continues to attain and which she ravenously lusts after along with her kin, those who hide their monstrous nature by cloaking themselves in a thin veneer of humanitarian intention and, who like her possess also that infernal, sociopathic drive. I have as a consequence been left alone in that maze of life through which every youth must trek and whose lessons which are the so precious and which is most often attained by a wise usher there to guide young minds as they traverse their adolescence and who, as they encounter those solemn rights of passage with the gentle nudge and guidance of a worldly teacher so as be equipped with the quality means enabling you to venture out into society upon solid, stable ground and which reinforce you emotionally to endure it's never ending vicissitudes which were not to be mine! I have instead been left to my own arbitrary, whimsical decisions formed in ignorance and which has a resulted in my perennial wondering through a kind of purgatory due to my lack of social understanding, proper etiquette, and utter cowardice.

    I, until a month ago, retrieved my guidance from the Gospel. The primary tool which I took from it was to always turn the other cheek, and to treat others as I wished to be treated. I'm akin to Frankenstein's monster. That beast who learned of nobility from Plutarch, a long dead man from an age possessed of guiding principles long gone and almost unheard today. Yes. I learned to turn the cheek, and to love others as I would love myself, but I learned it not from my fellow man. I learned it from a dry, cold and soulless tome utterly incapable of the warmth a boy feels from a mighty father he is in awe of. My lessons were without the surge of electricity that springs through your body after having witnessed a mother who with a proper, none abberant care loves you unconditionally and whose fingers and kisses and hugs give rise within you to an overwhelming emotion a human longs for. NO! I learned from a BOOK! A HARD, CRUSTY BOOK! PRECEPTS DEAD AND SHUNNED!

    My advice to anyone. DO NOT EVER, turn the other cheek. DO NOT be humble in the face of ridicule and insult. Do not bare it quietly as the monsters with the trappings of humans laugh in your face, spit on you, and who shudder with a primal joy as they see that their vile and foul actions begin to break you down. They who gain their power from your suffering aren't even human. They are monsters. Fleshly things ruled by whims and who long not for the abstract but only the physical pleasures of the flesh and who shudder in a near orgasmic bliss when they become empowered at the site of another beings misfortunes so gleefully wrought by their own crooked hands.

    The Bible is wrong. Jesus was wrong! Turning the other cheek will lead you towards a kind of misery that will cripple you mentally and emotionally and leave you nothing more than a pulp of a quivering and pathetic mess whose effect is degeneration of the ego and soul. Not to be empowered! Don't abide it as it is pernicious and it's only aim is towards the killing of your spirit. Subsribing to that kind of life will life put out the fire within, and one day you will wake and stand in dissapointment and disgust at yourself as you finally feel the failure of that final ember fail to find the air of pride which feeds it used wrongfully for the sustaining of your corroding ego.

    You must have a spirit of fire! You must strike back at those who wish to utilize their own disgusting, malevolent and destructive ability to bring you down and who wish to keep you there forever. You must strike hard and quick, and slay these monsters who are utterly without spirit or honor and who are so far from what a human is meant to be that humanity isn't something you should even think about when you strike them down and face them with anger and ferocity so ferocious and terrifying in a just, righteous way born not of a need for vengeance but of a righteous indignation to strike down the countless weaklings that masquerade as hearty and who laugh each others counterfeit strength whose prey is the weak, and whose sustenance is suffering! My whole life I have been a coward and justified that cowardice by not wanting to inflict pain on others because I know just how dreadful it is to feel the wraith of another, and to feel the pain of shame, and to stand in fearful shock in the face of an enemy you don't want to face and to face pain.

    NEVER SAVE FACE! For the first time in my life, after two months of slowly having my spirit restored due to the therapeutic affects of adderal and for once in my miserable life knowing what it feels like to have an ego, to feel that long dormant rage come to the surface and to without fear or timidity or shame and with a smile on my face strike at my enemies not wildly nor without coordination but with poise and a steel resolve that doesn't control me, but which is subservient to my cause due to it's fundamental differing from wraith for the sake of wraith, or revenge for the sake of pleasure, but for regaining honor, self respect that so long has eluded me. This unique and pure rage, might, yet a friend to my cause has deemed my cause worthy and allowed me to wield it fully! One by one I have sought them out. All the miserable parasites that damaged me and masqueraded as my friends with the sole object being to lull me, their prey, into a false sense of security so as to brutalize and shame me and by whose abuse I suffered from as a result of my devotion to an idealistic, naive philosophy that doesn't empower but instead stunts and degenerates the my spirit, the human spirit which was forged as an abstract weapon so awesome that others find themselves overwhelmed by it's intensity. To hell with the slanderous opinions of strangers and the lies of talebearers whose actions only reveal their hostility. Let your spirit and ego be emboldened and you will see the illusions and the thin veneer, that common shallow kindness displayed by those you thought allies be dispelled in an instant, leaving before you what they are truly! Never turn the other cheek, never fear criticism, banish all of the toxic creeds and draining influences that give your instincts reason to puff and ruffle and utilize that which so eagerly wants to escape and see for yourself that it will make you a leader to those who love good, and a foul and hated thing to the acolytes of cowardice whose power stems from their hate and whose discarding of their most powerful weapon. Their humanity! NEVER TURN THE OTHER CHEEK! Ego and will trump physical pain and injuries, and the fear of what others think are rendered null and void by your fully intact ego, whose presence is sufficient company due to it's clean bliss.

    Though most of my adversaries be physically superior to myself. After the therapeutic and invigorating guidance of this medication, my spirit and will was so strong and I was so without fear that the monstrous men of my past, despite their physical might and superiority to myself, were rendered cowards when I confronted them. To see them cower before real boldness, courage and strength they thought they themselves in full possession of, but which in fact, was a faux, cheap and mean kind of confidence that so often is the norm due to it's never facing real strength and determination. The kind that gives you an overwhelming and sense of being proud at facing the possibility of physical pain and which gives you, after being injured grievously by a haughty foe the ability to stand back up with a smile and hot red eyes and utterly without fear due to the mighty influence of your spirit. WATCH AS THAT FALSE BRAVADO FADES AND YOUR TORMENTOR LOOKS UPON YOU AS YOU LAUGH AFTER HAVING BEEN BLOODIED AND BEATEN BY HIM YET STILL SHOW NOT AN INKLING OF DEFEAT OR ANY WANING OF YOUR INTENSITY FOR HIM! He will walk away, stupefied as you, ME, stand laughing bloodied and triumphant!

    The negative consequences which I feel from the amphetamine are a small price to pay for having reclaimed my dignity and pride! The heart palpitations, the sweating, not sleeping, the withdrawal that I am now overcome with. I endure those things with joy. I care not for my health but only that I was able to overcome the cowardice and become a slayer of my own past demons. If I die from using them, or suffer illness as a side affect, I will endure it with GLEE!
    Last edited by Barrenian; 01-05-2018 at 23:26.
    Reply With Quote
     

  2. Collapse Details
     
    #2
    It's Not A Problem As Long As You've Got More.
    Reply With Quote
     

  3. Collapse Details
     
    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by Dresden View Post
    It's Not A Problem As Long As You've Got More.

    Always. It helped me grab back my dignity. I no longer use it that way. This was awhile back. When I did use it though, wow, look the fuck out! I literally hunted them down and confronted them.
    Reply With Quote
     

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •