Adderall ruined my life and its not stopping

[ADHDMY4SS]

Hello all I've been a reader here for years. I decided to make my own account today and post.

Ive been taking the devils pill, Adderall, for about 3 years now on and off. When I started at first a friend of mine really abused it and I couldn't even feel it. Looking back I seriously do NOT know why the eff I continued using it after that. I saw the mood swings he went through and I would even see how he was one person on it and another when he wasn't on it. Talk about hypocrisy, this shit took over my life. I began gliding through my 12h shifts and just overall barking back at life. Something my calm self never really had it in me to do. I also picked up xanax and abused the shit out of it for about the same amount of time. Luckily I kicked the xanax months ago, 4, or so. I'm never letting myself touch that shit again. I'd rather let my overwhelming anxiety and social anxiety take my life over, sit in a dark room for ever and play video games rather than swallow that garbage and let it knaw away at my memory and my life. Lastly I abused MDMA and went a little too far a couple nights, the last of which was around the first time I took ads. Just to give you a glimpse of where my mental state is at.

Today I'm left with serious social anxiety. I don't know where it stems from. I fucking hate it it controls my life start to finish. I'm in my prime and it's seriously depressing knowing I carry such a weight. The worst part is I know it's all in my head and that in it's entirety weighs on me even more because I see the cruel cycle I put myself through. I can briefly open up to my girlfriend, she's great and all but due to some unfortunate circumstances with my other good friends, well, they're pretty much gone. During social encounters I am QUICK to run out of breath, stutter, or screach with my hoarse Adderall voice. All these embarassing ass defects in my voice and presentation happen at once and it seems like my mood or anxiety triggers them. I never used to have speech problems. Definitely makes me feel hopeless :/

Anyways back to the Adderall. I went to a new dock and bullshitted my way into ADHD which was elementary at most. I get 30*20mg ir brand name per script and I have my own 30mg ir that I pulled outta my ass...... I stay up for two days at most taking about 300MG on a binge session. I've tried to kick it a few times, ate a lot got rest but I always feel so damn lazy and unmotivated I end up taking it again.

When I use it I feel anxious but with that happy coat of tweak over it, it's good and bad I guess. I believe to the death of me people laugh about me behind my back. Anytime I hear anyone laughing it crushes me inside. Working in a high traffic environment dealing with 100s of ppl a day, this weighs on me too. When someone is actually laughing at me, it's brutal. I've had panic attacks a handful of times when a fight or flight mode or whatever it's called comes on, I definitely do not fight.

Sleepless again I fell back on them. I don't know what to do. Feeling ways about life I never thought I would feel before. They scare me to even write them down.

Please help. Anyone with advice please anything at all. I feel so alone it really fucking sucks and I hate being around people, the one thing that would make me happy. I've seen counselors before and it never gets far I almost feel like I get further on here.

How do I get my self esteem back? How do I at least find it in my to throw a blow back at my anxiety? Lately I have the feeling where I just don't care. About anything. At all. How so you ask? Any question at all you have? My answer is I don't care. I don't care to care.

Thanks for reading sorry if this sounds fucking pathetic its the only place I can tell my story without a filter

 

[modocmodoc]

It's not pathetic. You bear the same burden I, and a good near-majority of BL do - We Think Too Much.

I don't have an answer yet, but I know that we need to differentiate between REASONING which is always good, and THINKING which is too chaotic to organize and understand other than too much of it turns toward rumination and inner conflict.

This is why stimulants are so effective for overthinkers. I can only use a metaphor like '(stimulants) get you out in front of yourself'. When they are probably just organizing your thoughts and prioritizing - adjusting for proper salience. Therein is the danger, when normal is achieved through a phenethylamine, where the fuck are we then without them?

 

[ADHDMY4SS]

It's not pathetic. You bear the same burden I, and a good near-majority of BL do - We Think Too Much.

I don't have an answer yet, but I know that we need to differentiate between REASONING which is always good, and THINKING which is too chaotic to organize and understand other than too much of it turns toward rumination and inner conflict.

This is why stimulants are so effective for overthinkers. I can only use a metaphor like '(stimulants) get you out in front of yourself'. When they are probably just organizing your thoughts and prioritizing - adjusting for proper salience. Therein is the danger, when normal is achieved through a phenethylamine, where the fuck are we then without them?

I hate to say it but I really don't know. After the worst of it, 4 days after the last dose or so, I mean if I wanted to I could get my ass up and do something. But otherwise it's just like there's water in the tank when regular unleaded fuel was there before naturally. Adderall is my racing fuel though it takes me where ever I imagine as fast as I want to go. It's more than that though it's like a navigation and a sunroof too. I always think of it "if I really wanna do something" LIKE WHAT THE FUCK HOW ABOUT ME AM I NOT ALIVE? I USED TO MOCK PEOPLE FOR THIS SHIT

By the way I do also smoke weed I used to smoke over 5x a day daily but that's been tossed to the side as well. I'm not sure if i even want to smoke again in a month or two or if I just wanna stay like this. A lot of times I feel like I'd be much more at ease, I could probably sleep easier, eat sooner after putting this garbage down without forcing it as much, etc. But I also feel like it might be like nitrous oxide to my anxiety-mobile. Years ago I'd num public encounters with bars. I cannot do that anymore furthermore I WILL not. I'm just scared I don't want to make the wrong move but I feel like I really can't get much worse at the moment unless I take bars of course which I'm not doing.

 

[herbavore]

The best thing for right now is to try to calm yourself down. Yes, you are in a tough spot--both with the drug and with life in general. But tough spots are not the whole map and you can come through this stronger than ever if you shift your perspective a little bit. Try to look at this as an intensive course of study with the subject being you. Exploration of yourself gets a lot easier when you are seeing struggle (naturally human) as opposed to crisis or even worse, damage. Every problem is solved first by identifying all the facets. Since the social anxiety and paranoia are the worst aspects of what you are going through my advice would be to seek out some very practical methods for addressing those (CBT, mindfulness, books about developing a healthy relationship with yourself.)

Breathe deep and be reassured that you have made a courageous move to name the problem and face the problem. Now comes the part that demands some patience and exploration. What worked for me may not work for you but you CAN overcome anxiety.

 

[ADHDMY4SS]

A challenge instead of a problem huh, very interesting. Maybe I could find some humor in my life again if I can manage to put this to the test in real life situations. Thank you so much herb.

The best thing for right now is to try to calm yourself down. Yes, you are in a tough spot--both with the drug and with life in general. But tough spots are not the whole map and you can come through this stronger than ever if you shift your perspective a little bit. Try to look at this as an intensive course of study with the subject being you. Exploration of yourself gets a lot easier when you are seeing struggle (naturally human) as opposed to crisis or even worse, damage. Every problem is solved first by identifying all the facets. Since the social anxiety and paranoia are the worst aspects of what you are going through my advice would be to seek out some very practical methods for addressing those (CBT, mindfulness, books about developing a healthy relationship with yourself.)

Breathe deep and be reassured that you have made a courageous move to name the problem and face the problem. Now comes the part that demands some patience and exploration. What worked for me may not work for you but you CAN overcome anxiety.

 

[sonicwhite]

You?re fine ADHD. It?s not pathetic you clearly want out of this vicious cycle.

I never in my meth smoking days ever had the inkling to drop it which is why you?re in a good place. It was until crap hit the fan that is when I started to rethink my life.

I don?t know the answer either for you yet. But one good thing is you?re seeing how destructive this cycle is. Kudos to you stopping the Xanax. I?m amazed you made it this far given the amount of time you took it.

I have General anxiety disorder. It sucks so bad. I was on klonopin but I was yanked off three mg a day for seven years. I had two grand mal seizures and was out of it. Looking back yes it was hard but it gets easier over time. I?m thinking the same is true with the Adderal. I?m thinking it?s going to take some time for you to heal but eventually it will subside. And you?ll be able to deal with your issues the way they need to be dealt with.


Keep fighting man. We are all in this together. Just keep posting and keep your head above water. Always look for that way to be free from this.

 

[ADHDMY4SS]

Ok well I have not taken Adderall (or anything else) in 4 or 5 days now. I have put on 10 lbs or so, don't care just mentioning it, and have been sleeping 10-14h a day. I've had a high calorie diet, not even counting just eating what I want when I want. Decent caffeine intake as well, I have had more Mountian Dew than water by far. I feel alright I guess. Not incredibly active but also not feeling like a dead weight. The loneliness persists and I was not expecting that to go away on it's own of course. I am starting to get used to it and learning not to give a fuck. IMO as long as I make a good amount of money I can make friends later, they won't go anywhere except leave because lots of them are just fake! I have been scammed and conned by a good amount of people I have dealt with in my lifetime, maybe that's why I think people in general are just bad. Anyways did not mean to steer off topic there just blurting my thoughts out.

I am going to try to not touch my new full scripts (which I have had since I stopped recently) for as long as possible. My last record was a week or so. I will try to get to a few weeks and hopefully just look back at Adderall as a memory because I don't like a pill controlling my mood and lifestyle. I want to feel natural to the full extent. I want to be around my damn parents of all people and just be genuine, good or bad.

Thanks for the replies and support everyone, Happy Sunday!

 

[Foreigner]

In my former clinical practice (I'm a natural health practitioner), I would treat Aderrall burnout with adrenal support. The idea of adrenal fatigue is different between modern medicine and the natural health care world. In modern medicine adrenal fatigue usually means Addison's. In the natural health world it means that the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis (HPA axis) is no longer signalling correctly. There's usually some kind of downregulation or weakened communication following extensive stimulant use. The exact science is not yet understood but the HPA axis is for sure part of it. Sometimes the thyroid is also involved.

You could ask your doctor to get your blood work done, mostly to check hormones. Get your blood taken before 9am and don't do drugs for 48 hours beforehand. Ask the doctor to look at these:
- AM cortisol, ACTH (adrenal related)
- TSH, T3 and T4 (thyroid hormones)
- prolactin (pituitary health)

In my practice, problems with AM cortisol and ATCH showed up a lot in Aderrall users, which means the adrenals were not being prompted to secrete enough cortisol throughout the day. In those people, I supplemented with adrenal cortex. A good one is from Thorne, called ACE. The one from AOR called Ortho Adapt is alright, especially if you get the one that has porcine adrenal tissue. Just start small. Take one dose or even half a dose on your low energy days and see if it helps. The body normally releases cortisol before 9am, and again in the early afternoon. Once evening comes it stops releasing so that we can go to sleep. I would start by just taking a morning adrenal dose and see how it carries you throughout the day. If you feel tired in the afternoon, take a second dose around 1pm (13h). Don't abuse them by taking more because you'll just burn out worse. The idea is to nourish the adrenals and not tax them more. Less is more, especially when it comes to animal glandulars.

If your thyroid is off then that needs correction. Iodine and selenium rich foods for 1 month then re-testing can turn things around if you're hypo. If the nutrition route doesn't work then you'll need meds. Desiccated thyroid is the best for hypo. Hyper is more complicated, usually auto-immune related which can be picked up by getting your doctor to test for TPO.

Sorry if my post is info overload. My sister has ADHD and has taken lots of Adderall over the years. I've had to help her a lot with this. The struggle of burnout is very real. Also I figure maybe some poor soul will find this thread in a search in the future.

 

[ADHDMY4SS]

In my former clinical practice (I'm a natural health practitioner), I would treat Aderrall burnout with adrenal support. The idea of adrenal fatigue is different between modern medicine and the natural health care world. In modern medicine adrenal fatigue usually means Addison's. In the natural health world it means that the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis (HPA axis) is no longer signalling correctly. There's usually some kind of downregulation or weakened communication following extensive stimulant use. The exact science is not yet understood but the HPA axis is for sure part of it. Sometimes the thyroid is also involved.

You could ask your doctor to get your blood work done, mostly to check hormones. Get your blood taken before 9am and don't do drugs for 48 hours beforehand. Ask the doctor to look at these:
- AM cortisol, ACTH (adrenal related)
- TSH, T3 and T4 (thyroid hormones)
- prolactin (pituitary health)

In my practice, problems with AM cortisol and ATCH showed up a lot in Aderrall users, which means the adrenals were not being prompted to secrete enough cortisol throughout the day. In those people, I supplemented with adrenal cortex. A good one is from Thorne, called ACE. The one from AOR called Ortho Adapt is alright, especially if you get the one that has porcine adrenal tissue. Just start small. Take one dose or even half a dose on your low energy days and see if it helps. The body normally releases cortisol before 9am, and again in the early afternoon. Once evening comes it stops releasing so that we can go to sleep. I would start by just taking a morning adrenal dose and see how it carries you throughout the day. If you feel tired in the afternoon, take a second dose around 1pm (13h). Don't abuse them by taking more because you'll just burn out worse. The idea is to nourish the adrenals and not tax them more. Less is more, especially when it comes to animal glandulars.

If your thyroid is off then that needs correction. Iodine and selenium rich foods for 1 month then re-testing can turn things around if you're hypo. If the nutrition route doesn't work then you'll need meds. Desiccated thyroid is the best for hypo. Hyper is more complicated, usually auto-immune related which can be picked up by getting your doctor to test for TPO.

Sorry if my post is info overload. My sister has ADHD and has taken lots of Adderall over the years. I've had to help her a lot with this. The struggle of burnout is very real. Also I figure maybe some poor soul will find this thread in a search in the future.

Not overload at all thank you for the thorough factual input. I will in time go that route if I cannot naturally overcome this. My mother does have thyroid problems she's taken medication for it for as long as I can remember, daily.

Watching take your pills on Netflix now.. They need to hurry the hell up and get to the negatives before I chomp up 4 of em.

 

[David Wooderson]

I began gliding through my 12h shifts and just overall barking back at life. Something my calm self never really had it in me to do.

I can very much relate to this myself, it makes me robotic.

I don't have an answer yet, but I know that we need to differentiate between REASONING which is always good, and THINKING which is too chaotic to organize and understand other than too much of it turns toward rumination and inner conflict.

This is why stimulants are so effective for overthinkers. I can only use a metaphor like '(stimulants) get you out in front of yourself'. When they are probably just organizing your thoughts and prioritizing - adjusting for proper salience. Therein is the danger, when normal is achieved through a phenethylamine, where the fuck are we then without them?

Well said

 

[modocmodoc]

You're doing well, keep it up and keep us posted. Eating well and sleeping as much as possible is as good as it gets at this point.. eating nearly ketogenic would not be a bad thing to mull over, as fat and protein are going to help your brain recover and keep your reasoning skills on an even keel.

Good luck, we're all here hoping the best! Keep us updated.

Ok well I have not taken Adderall (or anything else) in 4 or 5 days now. I have put on 10 lbs or so, don't care just mentioning it, and have been sleeping 10-14h a day. I've had a high calorie diet, not even counting just eating what I want when I want. Decent caffeine intake as well, I have had more Mountian Dew than water by far. I feel alright I guess. Not incredibly active but also not feeling like a dead weight. The loneliness persists and I was not expecting that to go away on it's own of course. I am starting to get used to it and learning not to give a fuck. IMO as long as I make a good amount of money I can make friends later, they won't go anywhere except leave because lots of them are just fake! I have been scammed and conned by a good amount of people I have dealt with in my lifetime, maybe that's why I think people in general are just bad. Anyways did not mean to steer off topic there just blurting my thoughts out.

I am going to try to not touch my new full scripts (which I have had since I stopped recently) for as long as possible. My last record was a week or so. I will try to get to a few weeks and hopefully just look back at Adderall as a memory because I don't like a pill controlling my mood and lifestyle. I want to feel natural to the full extent. I want to be around my damn parents of all people and just be genuine, good or bad.

Thanks for the replies and support everyone, Happy Sunday!

 

[zoshmiester]

building yourself up will take (cliche i know) time. the pill creates illusions of thought from confident to grandiose all the way to feeling like your nothing and even feeling inferior. That is the from floods of high dopamine and the time it take to rebuild an uptake more. Everything your feeling unfortunately is normal.

 

[ADHDMY4SS]

Thanks for the kind words! So my mood and all pretty much stabilized and I was eating everything in site. 10 days in I took a few more. They get me and my partner really going so I just said fuck it... Problem is I did not stop after it was too early in the day to be coming down with no brakes.

160mg in now, keto diet is working great so far I've eating nothing in 30 hours so intermittent fasting complete!

Must relax now. I have places to go Sunday. Sleeping is hard even when they wear off. Damnit. I'd be a grumpy inconsiderate half deaf zombie if I went for today as well so I'm straight on all that. Just gonna sip my h20 and hope I doze off.

Honestly not super upset because the day I really want to quit I won't pick the damn script up. So a 10d break, I'll take it. Not sure how pathetic I may sound but I can't really decide whether I'm thinking rationally or not so you guys be the judges. I really do appreciate the community on here. I'm one lonely motherfucker for the most part lately.

Happy Friday!

You're doing well, keep it up and keep us posted. Eating well and sleeping as much as possible is as good as it gets at this point.. eating nearly ketogenic would not be a bad thing to mull over, as fat and protein are going to help your brain recover and keep your reasoning skills on an even keel.

Good luck, we're all here hoping the best! Keep us updated.

 

[DynamistFireTiga]

Not sure what to say but judging by how you called them the devil's pills I'd say rethink continuing to get them prescribed and stop getting them otherwise altogether if you still are.

While I have seen books that propose one can cut back using when it comes to like alcohol (Jack Canfield's 30-Day book) I am not sure it will work here.

I mean just speaking from a place of reason and rationality you are being dishonest with your doctor if you continue misusing it.

I for one don't believe in adhd to begin with but this is about you here.

 

[burnergod]

I'm living a rollercoaster with amphetamines (paste/powder) too, it's a hell I know. Some days I'm so chill I don't even think about it. Some other days, maybe something SLIGHTY bad happens, and immediately triggers me that voice in the head "GO AMPHETAMINES". It's hard to resist, but I promise you if you try to reduce each time the dose, you will exit from it (at least from the psychological addiction). But well as you said, "Devil's pills", I tell you each time I do a line of amphetamine I think of myself the same "What kind of shit product am I taking..."

 

[Woodburner]

As a legit ADHDer, I resent your 'name', but moving on from that, the trouble with amphetamines, from what I gathered reading about it (never actually got to try any despite dx) is that it ends up depleting your dopamine reserves, or trashing your ability to produce enough of it, resulting in deficiency. If this deficiency is causing you anxiety, I suggest you eat more protein, as neurotransmitters are made of broken down protein.

 

[ADHDMY4SS]

As a legit ADHDer, I resent your 'name', but moving on from that, the trouble with amphetamines, from what I gathered reading about it (never actually got to try any despite dx) is that it ends up depleting your dopamine reserves, or trashing your ability to produce enough of it, resulting in deficiency. If this deficiency is causing you anxiety, I suggest you eat more protein, as neurotransmitters are made of broken down protein.

These were some of my darkest days. I'm on a heavy keto diet right now. My last urine strips tested in the keto starvation level. (good thing)

I should probably change my name to biggest hypocrite on earth. I've been through every single ADD med out there. Few months on ritalin few months on concerta few months on you fill in the blanks.

Currently at 70mg vyvanse and it does the job like no other ever has. My anxiety, I am learning how to channel with the aid of very intense HIIT workouts and boxing. Aside from that tapering off benzos (medically) down to only 4 or 5 mg kpin a day. For me, huge progress. Finally in control of my own life.

 

[ADHDMY4SS]

I just made that my name because that's how I originally got my script. A fucking written test you could essentially put the right answers in and get the desired dose when you're done filling in circles representing a 1-5 on how often you space out and shit. It's literally that easy and then it'll either create real ADHD or given to a person w an abusive personality, a fcking problem. Excuse the irateness

 

[Woodburner]

I just made that my name because that's how I originally got my script. A fucking written test you could essentially put the right answers in and get the desired dose when you're done filling in circles representing a 1-5 on how often you space out and shit. It's literally that easy and then it'll either create real ADHD or given to a person w an abusive personality, a fcking problem. Excuse the irateness

Well you're obviously not in the UK, and while whatever you've taken might give ADHD like symptoms, genuine ADHD is something you are born with, symptoms show really early. If symptoms only start later in life, it's not ADHD.

I still resent your screen name, as, despite being genuine, I had to struggle really hard, and that was after years of misdx, to get even mph. lol it pisses me off how easy you got it.

 

[Woodburner]

Just realised, your situation perfectly illustrates something I suspected at the time. i.e. it would be easier for a non-ADHD person to get the DX than a genuine ADHDer. Lots of ADHDers have problems with forms and stupid questions, so it's really tough for them, but for a healthy person, it would be easy to fill in the forms with a bunch of lies.