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Treatment What do I do when I'm not recovering

cyberius

cyberius

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Mar 11, 2013
Messages
1,571
I think the main thing I hate about being sober is that healthy people and normies have higher standards. I relate to addicts so easily and I can befriend them without any problems because we're both garbage. When I'm sober I can't make connections like this and I'm stuck completely alone with my thoughts because of an inability to socialize comfortably.

Another thing I hate is that wtf do I do now? I want very little out of life but sex and drugs. It's pretty much the only thibg that gives me pleasure and they're never apart. I can't get sex sober, but I can get it high

I'm considering suicide very seriously, life has been too painful and everyday I get further away from my crutchs I find myself hurting more and more. I have way too much guilt and mental illness to go much more

47 days sober
 
Blah blah... Interests and hobbies. I have a bunch but that still doesn't change the fact that im a pariah thats missed his best years as a methhead
 
hey cyberius congrats on the clean time, 47 days sober is a long time fucking sober! Have you thought about seeking professional help for the thoughts of wanting to hurt yourself? There is nothing wrong with seeking help outside of the recovery scene. It is actually encouraged.
It's really good to get that perspective from a therapist or psychologist, because they won't tell you 'oh just go to more meetings, or call your sponsor'. I seriously hate hearing that crap when I am going though it.
I wouldn't worry about the sex man, I see way to many people wash back up in detox because they jumped right into trying to get into a relationship, and to be honest I see men suffer from breakups worse then the women do. (that's if the relationship isn't abusive).

So today being Monday, what are your plans for the new week ?
 
D's said:
hey cyberius congrats on the clean time, 47 days sober is a long time fucking sober! Have you thought about seeking professional help for the thoughts of wanting to hurt yourself? There is nothing wrong with seeking help outside of the recovery scene. It is actually encouraged.
It's really good to get that perspective from a therapist or psychologist, because they won't tell you 'oh just go to more meetings, or call your sponsor'. I seriously hate hearing that crap when I am going though it.
I wouldn't worry about the sex man, I see way to many people wash back up in detox because they jumped right into trying to get into a relationship, and to be honest I see men suffer from breakups worse then the women do. (that's if the relationship isn't abusive).

So today being Monday, what are your plans for the new week ?
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I mean people in general, dispersing into normie society is a struggle. I'm kind of really lonely because it's hard to socialize out of drug world.

Not much, hopefully I can find a new job.
 
Hi Cyberius,
After reading your post I had to write back. You sound so low right now, Please please please don't do anything rash. 47 days clean is amazing.
Look, I can't even compare my shit with yours - I'm not trying to - I'm just reaching out because I've been depressed, mental illnesses in my own family and have had suicides around me and the pain and loss left behind is devastating.

i can understand though what you mean about what do I do now? being sober seems boring, but we can learn to adjust and adapt. Like the last poster said - would you consider going to talk to a professional?
Sex? - its better when the person means something to you - don't sell yourself short.

I know you're in a bad place, your life is worth so much more - surround yourself with people who do care about you - I'm in bits writing this you you because it brings up so many memories of what suicide does to those left behind - you are worth more, please believe me! The fact you've reached out means you're willing to talk. 47 days is a huge achievement.
Much love - let us know how you are doing xx
 
goosey said:
Hi Cyberius,
After reading your post I had to write back. You sound so low right now, Please please please don't do anything rash. 47 days clean is amazing.
Look, I can't even compare my shit with yours - I'm not trying to - I'm just reaching out because I've been depressed, mental illnesses in my own family and have had suicides around me and the pain and loss left behind is devastating.

i can understand though what you mean about what do I do now? being sober seems boring, but we can learn to adjust and adapt. Like the last poster said - would you consider going to talk to a professional?
Sex? - its better when the person means something to you - don't sell yourself short.

I know you're in a bad place, your life is worth so much more - surround yourself with people who do care about you - I'm in bits writing this you you because it brings up so many memories of what suicide does to those left behind - you are worth more, please believe me! The fact you've reached out means you're willing to talk. 47 days is a huge achievement.
Much love - let us know how you are doing xx
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20 days is a bigger achievement than 47 in my eyes. Crystal draws til about 3 weeks than you have residual depression. I made it 6 months before that last relapse.
 
Maybe try a different group or one on one sessions with a therapist? Look I know you know what you're supposed to do - its easy to tell someone what to do, but not have an actual clue about the pain
they feel. Believe me, I'm not trying to be condescending - I just really feel so bad for you and about the pain and dark place you are in. Of course I don't know you - suicide breaks me - I'm just offering a shoulder and reaching out. I truly hope you find the strength to carry on - please stop being so hard on yourself - try to find something that makes you happy, reconnect with somebody or something you love. Just try.....
Much love xxxx
 
Group therapy is terrible.

Other people and their problems .... you’re not a therapist. You’re not there to help them. You should be helping yourself. 1 on 1 therapy is more productive.
 
I can identify with having difficulty making social connections.

I normally like being alone. All the time.

It sounds like you are lonely and want to make a real connection with someone.
 
Group therapy isn't all bad. It depends on the therapist. One IOP I went to felt like elementary school. The therapist sucked, was extremely unprofessional, and it was the same people (the therapist's "pets") that were the only ones getting any meaningful help. Other IOPs were ok and listening to the therapist talk to someone else brought up another angle to my own problems that I hadn't thought about and probably wouldn't have come up in an individual session. Just out of curiosity though, you mention that you are in group therapy with "normies." I'm assuming non-addicts. What made you choose a non-addiction centered group, if that is indeed the case?

The suicide ideation is troubling, though. I hope that if you feel you are starting to make concrete plans toward that end you will seek the appropriate help.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
I can identify with having difficulty making social connections.

I normally like being alone. All the time.

It sounds like you are lonely and want to make a real connection with someone.
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Yeah, hit it on the head there. I kind of long to make some kind of real connection. At my last rehab I had bambi to talk to (my ex I'd met there) and that sort of incited me going six months with little resistance, but here, I don't really have anybody new. I feel my life is lacking in that I am very disconnected.
 
goosey said:
Maybe try a different group or one on one sessions with a therapist? Look I know you know what you're supposed to do - its easy to tell someone what to do, but not have an actual clue about the pain
they feel. Believe me, I'm not trying to be condescending - I just really feel so bad for you and about the pain and dark place you are in. Of course I don't know you - suicide breaks me - I'm just offering a shoulder and reaching out. I truly hope you find the strength to carry on - please stop being so hard on yourself - try to find something that makes you happy, reconnect with somebody or something you love. Just try.....
Much love xxxx
Click to expand...

Mhmmm.. maybe I should try drinking less and posting even more less when I'm hungover. I think my hungover more blurred the line of "I want to die" to "I'm gonna suicide"

Don't gotta be so emotional, I'm not dead yey.
 
aihfl said:
Group therapy isn't all bad. It depends on the therapist. One IOP I went to felt like elementary school. The therapist sucked, was extremely unprofessional, and it was the same people (the therapist's "pets") that were the only ones getting any meaningful help. Other IOPs were ok and listening to the therapist talk to someone else brought up another angle to my own problems that I hadn't thought about and probably wouldn't have come up in an individual session. Just out of curiosity though, you mention that you are in group therapy with "normies." I'm assuming non-addicts. What made you choose a non-addiction centered group, if that is indeed the case?

The suicide ideation is troubling, though. I hope that if you feel you are starting to make concrete plans toward that end you will seek the appropriate help.
Click to expand...

My dear mom in her best efforts chose a youth group therapy program over a drug therapy type program so I'm one of 3 hardened addicts in a room of normies.
 
cyberius said:
Yeah, hit it on the head there. I kind of long to make some kind of real connection. At my last rehab I had bambi to talk to (my ex I'd met there) and that sort of incited me going six months with little resistance, but here, I don't really have anybody new. I feel my life is lacking in that I am very disconnected.
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It’s nice to have someone to talk to.

I have spent a lot of my adult life completely alone.

Turning inward can be rewarding but also very depressing.

Have you thought about trying to make friends with someone even if it doesn’t feel natural or good at first?
 
Captain.Heroin said:
It’s nice to have someone to talk to.

I have spent a lot of my adult life completely alone.

Turning inward can be rewarding but also very depressing.

Have you thought about trying to make friends with someone even if it doesn’t feel natural or good at first?
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Yeah, I'm a bit awkward and it complicates things. I have a hard time with relaxing around most people after everything. People don't generally like me either.

I wouldn't of had ever used any drugs if I wasn't so alone.
 
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I just feel very violated and uncomfortable all the time and I feel like I'm unconsciously trying to kill myself. I don't even want anybody to stop me or to really put too much effort into being alive. I'm comfortably declining and that's the only way I relax.
 
That's brutal when non-addict parents make decisions for their addict children. My nutcase mother insists she's an alcoholic and goes to AA meetings even though she's barely touched alcohol her entire life. When I confronted her about it she said that her thinking is alcoholic and if she did drink she'd be an alcoholic. Yeeeeaaaahhh...

A few years back she tried to get power over me (with the aid of my girlfriend at the time) by having me sign over legal guardianship to her - basically declaring myself legally incompetent to make my own decisions. I didn't let that happen. It's funny now (not at the time) but she "found" a program for me in Tennessee run by fundie Christian kooks. It was an eight month minimum commitment and all the guys worked at a sawmill and all the gals worked at a thrift store for indentured wages six days a week. Needless to say, there was no therapy or psychiatric care, but you did have to go to church Sundays and Wednesday! All it did was give me thinking about get-rich-quick ideas I could run with basically free druggie slave labor.

I don't know if you get any one-on-one time with the therapist, but you need to share that you're not getting what you need out of this therapy and ask for help finding people who can help you.
 
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