Treatment What do I do when I'm not recovering

[cyberius]

That's brutal when non-addict parents make decisions for their addict children. My nutcase mother insists she's an alcoholic and goes to AA meetings even though she's barely touched alcohol her entire life. When I confronted her about it she said that her thinking is alcoholic and if she did drink she'd be an alcoholic. Yeeeeaaaahhh...

A few years back she tried to get power over me (with the aid of my girlfriend at the time) by having me sign over legal guardianship to her - basically declaring myself legally incompetent to make my own decisions. I didn't let that happen. It's funny now (not at the time) but she "found" a program for me in Tennessee run by fundie Christian kooks. It was an eight month minimum commitment and all the guys worked at a sawmill and all the gals worked at a thrift store for indentured wages six days a week. Needless to say, there was no therapy or psychiatric care, but you did have to go to church Sundays and Wednesday! All it did was give me thinking about get-rich-quick ideas I could run with basically free druggie slave labor.

I don't know if you get any one-on-one time with the therapist, but you need to share that you're not getting what you need out of this therapy and ask for help finding people who can help you.

I finish group therapy on Thursday, I plan on seeking one on one therapy right after.

Why is that nothing can help me? I feel like I'm talking to myself. Nothing works to change my mood but meth

 

[Captain.Heroin]

They're very abusive

Psychologically, physically?

 

[Captain.Heroin]

That's brutal when non-addict parents make decisions for their addict children. My nutcase mother insists she's an alcoholic and goes to AA meetings even though she's barely touched alcohol her entire life. When I confronted her about it she said that her thinking is alcoholic and if she did drink she'd be an alcoholic. Yeeeeaaaahhh...

To be fair, that might be true. I still see things your way, though, that if you don't have a serious, active, ongoing problem, meetings are likely overkill.

Often alcoholism runs in families.

How's your relationship with her? It sounds like you care for her even though you don't agree with her on everything.

The commitment thing sounds awfully rough.

 

[aihfl]

To be fair, that might be true. I still see things your way, though, that if you don't have a serious, active, ongoing problem, meetings are likely overkill.

Often alcoholism runs in families.

There's no question it runs in families. It's rampant on both sides of the family. And her going is more than overkill. What I have a problem with is that she goes to closed meetings where it's assumed everyone there is an alcoholic or addict. She hasn't had the experience of going through (other than her "alcoholic thinking") what other alcoholics/addicts go through. She's never woken up shaking so badly she needs a drink. She's never been out of money, homeless or lost a job because of alcoholism/addiction. She might be empathetic, but ultimately can't directly relate because of the lack of firsthand experience. As is often said by the chair in meetings, "We request that those who share confine their discussion to the problems and solutions of alcoholism." What can she actually say that's of value if she sticks to that guideline? Worse, what if someone reaches out specifically to her? To her credit, as far as I know, she says she's stopped going to closed meetings but who knows what she's really doing?

How's your relationship with her? It sounds like you care for her even though you don't agree with her on everything.

I have to keep her at arm's length. She's gotten easier to take since she's been going regularly to CODA (co-dependents anonymous) meetings and hearing everything I've been saying being said by neutral third parties. Everyone around me tells me to cut her and her toxicity off including multiple therapists. I can't though, if for no other reason if she can't get hold of me for a week or so, she'll assume I'm back to drinking and using and send the fucking cops over here. The most telling thing is that one of my closest friends from college is giving her mother a kidney. She asked me if I would do the same and I hesitated. Ultimately, I probably would because that is the right thing to do, but I had to give it a lot of thought.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

There's no question it runs in families. It's rampant on both sides of the family. And her going is more than overkill. What I have a problem with is that she goes to closed meetings where it's assumed everyone there is an alcoholic or addict. She hasn't had the experience of going through (other than her "alcoholic thinking") what other alcoholics/addicts go through. She's never woken up shaking so badly she needs a drink. She's never been out of money, homeless or lost a job because of alcoholism/addiction. She might be empathetic, but ultimately can't directly relate because of the lack of firsthand experience. As is often said by the chair in meetings, "We request that those who share confine their discussion to the problems and solutions of alcoholism." What can she actually say that's of value if she sticks to that guideline? Worse, what if someone reaches out specifically to her? To her credit, as far as I know, she says she's stopped going to closed meetings but who knows what she's really doing?


I have to keep her at arm's length. She's gotten easier to take since she's been going regularly to CODA (co-dependents anonymous) meetings and hearing everything I've been saying being said by neutral third parties. Everyone around me tells me to cut her and her toxicity off including multiple therapists. I can't though, if for no other reason if she can't get hold of me for a week or so, she'll assume I'm back to drinking and using and send the fucking cops over here. The most telling thing is that one of my closest friends from college is giving her mother a kidney. She asked me if I would do the same and I hesitated. Ultimately, I probably would because that is the right thing to do, but I had to give it a lot of thought.

I've never woken up shaking from a need to drink before, either. I don't think I ever will.

Hopefully she goes to the open meetings. I am sorry she over-involves herself. Do you understand likely her attendance is due to the fact that those around her with the drinking problem(s) has an effect on her? Do you know what that effect can be like (I'm sure you do)?

You don't have to have a lot of empathy for her, just give her a little bit I had to learn to cut people around me slack.

I'm glad she goes to the CODA meetings; I'm sure they help her.

If people, including therapists, are telling you to cut her out of your life, it's still your decision, but I'd consider it. Stay strong man.

 

[aihfl]

I've never woken up shaking from a need to drink before, either.

And you're also not going to an AA meeting passing yourself off as an alcoholic, either.


As far as her co-dependence issues go, it was a problem long before my drinking ever was, so as self-reflective as I try to be now, I still don't entirely buy the Fourth Step idea that I was an equal participant in the problems I had with her.