Scrofula
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Apr 27, 2017
- Messages
- 5,399
Bear with me? Pun intended for a later day.
This is a crosspost, response to an attempt to get me to admit/share how crippling and outrageous this little habit of mine is (crystal meth, the strength of which does seem to fluctuate).
Here it is:
Results: Private; Assumed by Others to be BEYOND HOPE.
Ironically, my modest use is higher than it would be if I didn't have a sudden mystery on my hands, and some pernicious spyware I can't seem to remove.
It seems like people think I use meth to do some lousy seasonal shift work, but I learned a year ago I'd be better off without it. I just didn't taper off completely when the season abruptly went to 40 hours with only two days to prep.
See, I smoke to get high, not to stay awake. I like sleep. I also have no money and no future, and nothing to do most of the time, but feel sorry for myself. I get high and suddenly little shiny things are more interesting, I briefly have more imagination, and a hint of a libido back. I've tapered off a much higher use already, was quit for over a month, and I've CT'd from this shit before.
What folks in my family and beyond (how much further beyond, god help me IDK) don't seem to realize, is that I will only quit on my own terms. Before someone calls that "Oppositional Defiance Disorder", I'd simply request that they contemplate what "shame" is, how that relates to a person's social anxieties, how it might be reflected in a person with what might better be called a social anxiety disorder, and how something like this could be the most devastating thing that person ever faces.
"I won't do it when you're around" is because I'm fucking ashamed. I'm dealing with a thing I'm ashamed about. What do we do when we're ashamed? We hide, and avoid others.
Now, I wait till no one's around just to take the too-many soda cans from out of my room, because I'm ashamed of them. Do you think I'll address personal addictions, for fuck's holy sake, in front of who knows even? how many friends, family and coworkers?
ESPECIALLY when they haven't even read my 6000 post diary outing all kinds of secrets in my little abandoned internet drug forum, don't know anything about my habit still, having not read much of anything that I wrote? And are thus WRONG (I said it), wrong about my use; the reasons behind it, the effects it brings, the reasons I avoid other things, the sources of my fucked-and-destroyed career and life are there apparent to all, and guess what? substances have nothing to do with it. They're just very bad, and mostly neutral (booze and meth, respectively) coping methods.
Have my parents really not figured out yet that I leave deliberate messes to make going through my shit more difficult? That I don't like it, and that I then lose material and forget due-dates? And yet they continue to do surveys of all my shit on a regular basis. Now, everyone gets to read a misinterpreted misquote of every aspect of me.
I thought things were looking up. Now I doubt I'll make it to 2019.
Added: In case you missed it, if I don't even take out more than two soda cans at a time in front of my parents, so that my shame isn't seen, how can I even leave the house?
The ladies at work sneered at me for over a month, and I of course assumed they were right, and I deserved it. Cause that's how I've felt since I was like eight. It was only the collection of over-the-top puke-faces on a single day that even clued me in that something was happening. So I'm back in elementary school, developmentally, only I have no future to advance into.
I'm not ashamed of using this drug, though. I'm ashamed of lots of stuff around it. And so I will absolutely refuse to label it as a sin or vice, or attribute anything to it that it doesn't actually possess. I'll defend it against false statements. OK, I haven't completely worked this out yet, but hopefully y'all can see that I will cling to this thing I don't particularly like, as long as the sneering outsiders are watching me and lying about me and it. Yes, I will cling to it as I drown.
Especially considering the sick irony of all this effort: you could have just given me some interesting employment, someone could have said, "here's the drug testing date". Problem solved, as far as the prohibitionists are concerned.
This is a crosspost, response to an attempt to get me to admit/share how crippling and outrageous this little habit of mine is (crystal meth, the strength of which does seem to fluctuate).
Here it is:
Results: Private; Assumed by Others to be BEYOND HOPE.
Ironically, my modest use is higher than it would be if I didn't have a sudden mystery on my hands, and some pernicious spyware I can't seem to remove.
It seems like people think I use meth to do some lousy seasonal shift work, but I learned a year ago I'd be better off without it. I just didn't taper off completely when the season abruptly went to 40 hours with only two days to prep.
See, I smoke to get high, not to stay awake. I like sleep. I also have no money and no future, and nothing to do most of the time, but feel sorry for myself. I get high and suddenly little shiny things are more interesting, I briefly have more imagination, and a hint of a libido back. I've tapered off a much higher use already, was quit for over a month, and I've CT'd from this shit before.
What folks in my family and beyond (how much further beyond, god help me IDK) don't seem to realize, is that I will only quit on my own terms. Before someone calls that "Oppositional Defiance Disorder", I'd simply request that they contemplate what "shame" is, how that relates to a person's social anxieties, how it might be reflected in a person with what might better be called a social anxiety disorder, and how something like this could be the most devastating thing that person ever faces.
"I won't do it when you're around" is because I'm fucking ashamed. I'm dealing with a thing I'm ashamed about. What do we do when we're ashamed? We hide, and avoid others.
Now, I wait till no one's around just to take the too-many soda cans from out of my room, because I'm ashamed of them. Do you think I'll address personal addictions, for fuck's holy sake, in front of who knows even? how many friends, family and coworkers?
ESPECIALLY when they haven't even read my 6000 post diary outing all kinds of secrets in my little abandoned internet drug forum, don't know anything about my habit still, having not read much of anything that I wrote? And are thus WRONG (I said it), wrong about my use; the reasons behind it, the effects it brings, the reasons I avoid other things, the sources of my fucked-and-destroyed career and life are there apparent to all, and guess what? substances have nothing to do with it. They're just very bad, and mostly neutral (booze and meth, respectively) coping methods.
Have my parents really not figured out yet that I leave deliberate messes to make going through my shit more difficult? That I don't like it, and that I then lose material and forget due-dates? And yet they continue to do surveys of all my shit on a regular basis. Now, everyone gets to read a misinterpreted misquote of every aspect of me.
I thought things were looking up. Now I doubt I'll make it to 2019.
Added: In case you missed it, if I don't even take out more than two soda cans at a time in front of my parents, so that my shame isn't seen, how can I even leave the house?
The ladies at work sneered at me for over a month, and I of course assumed they were right, and I deserved it. Cause that's how I've felt since I was like eight. It was only the collection of over-the-top puke-faces on a single day that even clued me in that something was happening. So I'm back in elementary school, developmentally, only I have no future to advance into.
I'm not ashamed of using this drug, though. I'm ashamed of lots of stuff around it. And so I will absolutely refuse to label it as a sin or vice, or attribute anything to it that it doesn't actually possess. I'll defend it against false statements. OK, I haven't completely worked this out yet, but hopefully y'all can see that I will cling to this thing I don't particularly like, as long as the sneering outsiders are watching me and lying about me and it. Yes, I will cling to it as I drown.
Especially considering the sick irony of all this effort: you could have just given me some interesting employment, someone could have said, "here's the drug testing date". Problem solved, as far as the prohibitionists are concerned.
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