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I can't do it

Hector

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 1, 2004
Messages
309
This whole sobriety thing. I was two months clean off a long term benzo habit among other things and it was the most depressing, soul destroying time of my life. My anxiety was crippling and I felt unable to leave the house. When I did I was aware that people could sense my anxiety and as a result were negatively prejudging me and targeting me for ridicule.

I left the house less and less and soon I was also battling depression about the situation I was in. I tried going to doctors, NA, self help books and mindfulness. NA was a place I'd half heartedly been to on numerous occasions in the past and the others in the group were fully aware of my using and lack of commitment. By going back I just feel as though people will think I'm just another relapse away. A serial liar and a complete bore who is only tolerated because that's the NA way.

Now, I'm three weeks in on a benzo, booze and stims bender. I don't remember much but looking through my diary i see I've achieved a lot more than in my clean time. Thing is i feel guilty about it. I live with my parents and they found out. They didn't go mad I think they're just ashamed but at the same time I think they're glad I'm not so reliant on them when it comes to going out. They want their own lives, they're retirement age and me at age 34, like others my own age I should be in work, have my own place, be married and all those things that society expects of a grown man. If you have none of those things then you're viewed as a hopeless loser who clearly has some major malfunction going on. Suicide has crossed my mind a number of times but I've tried doing so in the past and that just led to me bringing more shame on my family because I fucked that up too.

I don't know what to do. It's like I have to decide which hell is worse living in. Maybe it doesn't get better for some people and life is a gruelling, hopeless struggle. I guess I can be grateful that i'm not living in some third world country.

I don't really know why I posted this, maybe I just needed to get it out or maybe I'm expecting someone to have a magic solution. I'd give up everything I own to just be happy but I don't think I ever will be.
 
Hi Hector. You sound depressed, which isn't uncommon in early sobriety due to the depletion of certain neurotransmitters. You mention you've seen doctors, but have you seen a psychiatrist specifically? They may be able to help with antidepressants or acamprosate (Campral) which will help with the PAWS symptoms you described once you're detoxed. It's never too late to start over. I was broke, homeless and barely employed in my early 40s. By my mid 40s, I was once again a homeowner and have regained some sense of well-being. I just got a huge promotion at work. Never would have happened had I stayed on the same trajectory. I wish you luck.
 
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I feel you brother. Anxiety is a bitch but often times when I am feeling anxious about going out and doing stuff I force myself to and it ends up being not that bad. Understand that anxiety is just your mind tricking you and psyching you out making you think something is going to be much worse then it actually is. Especially in the early stages of sobriety.

Benzos are nothing but temporary bandaids for problems. When you rip them off those problems come back like a freight train and often times we are left in much worse situations, which is why nobody should use benzos long term. I did for years and now I am finally having to deal with those problems. It's terrifying but also exciting, because I feel like I can finally heal by attacking my problems head on and facing them. Some days are certainly better than others.

Suicide is an end all, and it affects everyone around you. When you feel like ending it think about the people you love that love you. Don't worry what society thinks, focus on you. Be selfish in that regard for a bit until you feel better about yourself.

Also don't worry about what people may be thinking about you in the NA meetings. NA is a fake it til you make it program. Keep going back bro. If you feel judged you may not be going to the right meetings.

It gets better man. Don't give up.
 
Doing benzos really fucks up your brains ability to handle anxiety and you're basically going to make your anxiety worse long term by taking benzos... the time it will take for that to get better I recommend a rehab therapy group or at least something out patient to work on that because if you don't work on it you won't get anywhere with it... it takes practice and then you will get better with time. To be anxiety free.

Without benzos.
 
Hi Hector-

Family (and friends) who know you have a problem are usually paying more attention to you because they care. Don't assume they are judging. It could be you being very sensitive about it. Your parents are likely just concerned for you and want you to have a good life.

Regarding Benzos - I can speak from personal experience. If you can stay clean of them, (using my experience as my guide) your anxiety (from using them) will go away in less than a month. If you still have anxiety after that, could it be for another reason - like family/personal issues or work/lack of work?

If I were in your shoes, I'd just pour out your heart to your parents and ask for help. If you don't feel like you can do that, then can you find a counselor to talk to? If you do choose to talk to your parents, try not to be critical of what they say - just listen. They might be seniors, but they are still the same inside their hearts as they were when they were younger. If they didn't care, I doubt you would be living there. Could it be that they are staying out of your issues because they don't want to barge into your business?

Do you use a lot of caffeine? That can make you nervous all the time. For example, a lot of those popular "energy drinks" at the store are loaded with caffeine. Some of us are more sensitive to it than others and need to avoid it.

Close your eyes for a moment and think of how you wish your life could be - then do your best to make it happen one step at a time. I'm in your cheering section Hector.

This is an older website, but maybe it is able to help you. https://www.healthcentral.com/article/how-do-i-get-mental-health-services-with-no-money-and-no-insurance


 
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