real attempt to quit

[FallenApart]

Hello all, im a long time lurker first time poster. I just need a place to express some thoughts and feelings on my currents situation in life. been addicted to opis for about ten yrs on a deep level have been using for about 16yrs. dope was/is my DOC. not going to bother you all with my back story, we all ended up here through a series of bad choices thus no need to dig into that past but i am looking to discuss how i am ready to change my life for good this time. been through the attempts before, have found myself bouncing around in relapse mode after 122 days of total abstinence from everything but weed.
ive been using now since march 22nd pretty steady and know it was long enough that ill face slight discomfort but also know its been much, much worse than what it will be. i have some vitamins, lope (only if truly needed in small doses) and ativan (prescribed) plus weed to get through the hard days of feeling down when i first stop but my real concern is how will i maintain.
you see i told my family back in dec how serious it has been for me as they are totally oblivious to addiction and what it entails so i came "clean" so to speak about how out of control i let my life get again on the drugs and how i was stopping and needed support. i got the usual we are here for you in the few minutes we spoke about it and then its never been brought back up. i endured my withdrawals alone and no one has questioned me about it since.
i know the addict in me is what fails when i relapse but i also feel like without anyone close to me being willing to talk about it i cant ever be held accountable to anyone and sometimes in my "withdrawing" mind i will tell myself its because im not worth a conversation, im too far gone it doesnt matter to anyone anymore. but i know thats the power of dark thoughts during withdrawal and the truth is my family is just clueless. to them you get past the "flu" for a few days, you put it behind you and move on. nothing more to discuss. ive tried saying i need it to be open and if im having a hard day please lets talk and when i do i get oh your fine you are better now and we move on. its so frustrating!
so for now my short term goal is to be open with all of you and to begin day 1 without any opiates tomm and ride this thing out once and for all. as far as long term, i live in a rural area and have no way to do meetings or anything like that. i do believe in God and have thought i can renew that spiritual part of me to begin the healing process. im scared i may always be in this roller coaster of clean-relapse-clean-relapse it gets so old after a while and you lose hope in your ability to succeed at this thing called life. thank you all for listening! i am open to all suggestions for how to truly make it this time.

 

[simco]

We're listening, man (or girl!)

 

[moscatel]

I am not as experienced like alot of the members of this community. I am also trying to quit an oxy addiction. Have had several relapses. I now decided enough is enough! I am done!
I know you will get alot of good advice and support here. Great people who knows what its like to be in your shoes. Unlike your family who seems to lack the knowledge of what addiction is like and what kind of battle you are up against.

One thing that I came to realize though is that in the end,as an addict, you have to do the walk alone. Even though having support from family or friends, or not, you still have to do the jump by your self. I now believe that realizing this and just depend and trust yourself is the right way to achieve your goals. Appriciate and embrace whatever support you get but dont depend on it like if support is lacking you will feel down and loose your way. You are doing this by your self and for your self. Find your inner strength and stay determind. Dont let anybody bring you down. I got a strong feeling by reading your post that this person is actually going to make it!
Looking forward to read your updates on your road to recovery. Stay strong

 

[FallenApart]

Thank you simco! Im a girl I will be updating in a moment I just wanted to reply directly to you and thank you for the welcoming ears! (or eyes, I guess)

 

[FallenApart]

Thank you so much for your kind words moscatel! I wish I had that kind of confidence in myself! You rock at making me feel encouraged!
And you are 100% right on the concept that this walk is ultimately something I have to do completely on my own! While it may be nice to have a supportive person who is emotionally connected to me be on the same page as I am it certainly is by no means a requirement to get the job done! I know that from my 122 days sober from opiates prior to my current relapse. That reminder alone is much appreciated!

 

[FallenApart]

In order to update my current mess I should clarify a few things. Let me start by saying I am a wife/mom, happily married 10yrs and our son is a toddler. Ive struggled with drugs since high school. Wrong crowd back then was my initial introduction to this world but as I got older I know it was my doings that lead me to developing a real addiction.

I did mentioned my DOC was dope but I was on Suboxone for 7 months prior to my current relapse and while I relapsed on my DOC it was a few week binder and I have now been back on the subs (2mg daily, 1mg in the am and 1mg at night) for probably 10-12 days now which started as an attempt to avoid the discomfort of withdrawal but I find myself debating whether or not to go back on them for another long-term stint in order to re-focus myself into recovery mode again.

I can say I did really well when I was on the subs the first time around. I didnt do any other drugs (except weed but I am a chronic smoker and always will be) for the entire 7 months or so I was on it. It was so nice to have my bills be paid and not have to worry every single day about how I would get well, feeling "legal", all the benefits of it really applied to my life in a positive way. So why did I get off you may ask?? Well a few things lead to my jumping off back in dec. 2017.

First of all I began to feel crappy on the subs, very foggy in the mornings, no sex-drive, just an overall sense of numbing to my emotions and personality. Another reason is the stigma associated with it as I felt embarrassed to take my son to an appt or just overall felt like a failure since my view on recovery and being "clean" is total abstinence. Ive tried very hard to change my perspective on that by educating myself about addiction and long term recovery programs but every time I feel like its the addict in me justifying the right to use something in order to live my life productively. Another reason at the time my grandfather was dying and I felt compelled to be sober when he left this world, which I was as he had a month long hospital stay prior to passing so I was given the opportunity of time to be able to stand next to him sober and say my goodbyes. And the last reason for my jump is because I am a Christian and it has been a difficult struggle to not feel inadequate by remaining on the subs.

I can say for the negative side effects that I began to experience that I am better educated now on how subs really work and I was using them incorrectly which is what I feel lead me to experience these awful side effects. My biggest downfall was that I wasnt on a dosing schedule by any means, I would just rip off pieces and eat them. So I could do 2mgs one day and as high as 6mg the next. That alone was causing me to never truly "stabilize" on the meds. Another issue is how much I was taking when doing it that way. I know now I will never need more than that 2mgs and I could definitely get away with less if need be, I just feel really great at the 2mgs. I feel if I were to go back on the subs now that I know how to properly use them and I wouldnt ever dose all over the place like that or use near that high of an amount as its simply not required in my case to do the job. I would do exactly what I have been doing at my regiment of 1mg as soon as I wake up and another mg shortly before bedtime. I would hope that by doing this I wouldnt get any or at least not all of those negative side effects. But then again it scares me that I will so I dont know what is best.

As far as the stigma of being on subs and the definition of what "clean" means to me as I said earlier I have honestly tried to educate myself and read enough about addiction to change my view but in my deepest part of me I cannot, thus I end up feeling like I failed. I can even reason the positive effects it had on my life and how the long drawn out withdrawal I endure doesnt do anyone in my family (my hubby or my son) any favors since Mama is out of commission for weeks at a time. But at the end of all the reasoning and attempts to justify it to myself I still believe that I am not clean while on the subs and that in order to be viewed as "recovered" by those whose opinions I respect in my family I need to obtain total abstinence from everything. And I dont know if I can ever do that because I feel so mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually broken at this point.

So the purpose of this thread at this point I guess is just to share my emotions and mental state with all of you in the hopes that maybe you have some wisdom that can help guide me with my decision to stay on the subs or attempt to get myself off of them again and put a recovery plan in place that does not include using a med like suboxone. I am currently receiving them from a friend so I feel pressured to make up my mind soon so I can set up an appt with my previous dr in order to be legal again. Wow I just realized that I will have to do the walk of shame back into that place if I choose to remain on the subs. I felt so good being able to say I was done and no longer needed their help but at least I left on good terms so it wont be any additional shame, just relapse guilt. Thank God I did make a scene on my way out of the door, lol. Ive seen that disaster happen before and Im sure it isnt pretty if they have to return with their tail between their legs. Well thank you to anyone who has read this far, I would love to hear your thoughts on what to do from here.

 

[motiv311]

i just cold turkey quit methadone 45 mgs a day..... I had been through about 7 really bad withdrawal periods, in a row, then I ate some mushrooms and just decided that the next time I was put into withdrawals I was going to see it through then.... I haven't done any opiates now for like 5-6 weeks. I did use meth though to get through a lot of it.

 

[Beefy]

Hello all, im a long time lurker first time poster. I just need a place to express some thoughts and feelings on my currents situation in life. been addicted to opis for about ten yrs on a deep level have been using for about 16yrs. dope was/is my DOC. not going to bother you all with my back story, we all ended up here through a series of bad choices thus no need to dig into that past but i am looking to discuss how i am ready to change my life for good this time. been through the attempts before, have found myself bouncing around in relapse mode after 122 days of total abstinence from everything but weed.
ive been using now since march 22nd pretty steady and know it was long enough that ill face slight discomfort but also know its been much, much worse than what it will be. i have some vitamins, lope (only if truly needed in small doses) and ativan (prescribed) plus weed to get through the hard days of feeling down when i first stop but my real concern is how will i maintain.
you see i told my family back in dec how serious it has been for me as they are totally oblivious to addiction and what it entails so i came "clean" so to speak about how out of control i let my life get again on the drugs and how i was stopping and needed support. i got the usual we are here for you in the few minutes we spoke about it and then its never been brought back up. i endured my withdrawals alone and no one has questioned me about it since.
i know the addict in me is what fails when i relapse but i also feel like without anyone close to me being willing to talk about it i cant ever be held accountable to anyone and sometimes in my "withdrawing" mind i will tell myself its because im not worth a conversation, im too far gone it doesnt matter to anyone anymore. but i know thats the power of dark thoughts during withdrawal and the truth is my family is just clueless. to them you get past the "flu" for a few days, you put it behind you and move on. nothing more to discuss. ive tried saying i need it to be open and if im having a hard day please lets talk and when i do i get oh your fine you are better now and we move on. its so frustrating!
so for now my short term goal is to be open with all of you and to begin day 1 without any opiates tomm and ride this thing out once and for all. as far as long term, i live in a rural area and have no way to do meetings or anything like that. i do believe in God and have thought i can renew that spiritual part of me to begin the healing process. im scared i may always be in this roller coaster of clean-relapse-clean-relapse it gets so old after a while and you lose hope in your ability to succeed at this thing called life. thank you all for listening! i am open to all suggestions for how to truly make it this time.

Hello, I can relate to how you started. I was the same way as you. Probably started doing opiates pills for about 9 years or so before I moved on to heroin. I really hard a hard time quitting it, and it almost took everything from me. I stole from my parents countless times, i stole from family members, mostly brothers and just lived that life style, not for long, like about 6-7 years, but long enough to know that it wasn't the path that God had chosen for me. I was tired of being sick and tired. It didn't stop and the crazy thing is, we're always out there waiting for the dope guy @ 4am in teh freezing cold cause he's got the almost lethal shit.

Congratulations on getting off of the heroin, you really needed it. You can't have a happy, meaningful life without being at least on methadone. My parents are also oblivious to opiates and most of drug addictions and I used that to my benefit when I was younger and saw it could help me score. Mind you, I was never a 24/7 dope fiend. I was a 5x a week dope feind. I know that sounds strange, but I just didn't consume it everyday like that, but we're all the same, we tell the same story, and that's of sadness, frustration, neglect and pain.
Maybe if you feel your family is very clueless to your feelings and what you're going through, perhaps you can slowly, take the time to go through the process of withdrawal, or opiate addiction and what it does to the body. what it does to the lifestyle of a user.

Living the roller coaster of sober-clean-sober-clean gets very tiring. I have lived like that and you just keep giving false hopes to your loved ones and also yourself. Because I'm sure when you are doing well, and sober and landed a new job or a new friend or something, you're really looking forward to seeing this thing through. But then you start using and jeopardize it all and you hate yourself for it. I think last week I said, out of all the drug addictions I ever had, being a heroin addict was the most concrete? Everyone's out at the same time, it's like this schedule you get used to and to some people, it become second nature.

I hope you're able to stay opiate free and start the healing process. Remember, you aren't just a drug addict, drug addicts aren't addicts because they have a wonderful childhood, wonderful upbringing and turn around and say "You know what? I think i'll start sticking needles in my arm!". So now that you're working on your sobriety, also work on you. sometimes you even re-discover yourself in sobriety because you've been using since 14 and you switch from one drug to another, and when you're 32 and you finally have some clean time, you don't know who the real you is, drug free. I totally suggest getting spiritually focused. visit some buddhist temples in your city, new age book stores to know where there are local meeting based on topics you'd like to explore. Make your recovery and healing about your drug addiction, you overall health and fitness and get in touch with your religious and/or spiritual side. That usually helps addicts the most when they are working on their first year clean. Because religion doesn't judge and it doesn't expect you to be the best version of you that you can be. just don't commit a cardinal sin, heh, and you'll find spiritually very rewarding when you use it with your recovery.
There are even websites you can find on Google which focus on that exact topic. Recovery using spirituality.
And in 12 step groups, they always say "A God of your own understanding" so think a second about what that means to you and work on that.

Wish you all the sucess
God bless

 

[determinedmom53]

Fallen - I'm glad you are here. That is a huge step. Now you need to believe in yourself. The best piece of advice is the one I got here from Simco and CaptainH - don't be so hard on yourself. Failing is part of succeeding and all you need to do is really decide what you want and go for it. Small steps backwards don't matter. Just as long as you keep moving forward. Make a decision and stick to it no matter what. Stay here and post. We will hold you accountable. Be honest with yourself tho - I lurked here for 3 years before I joined and started posting. Best decision I ever made. I'm about a month into recovery and will never go back. Ever. Good luck.