need help, advice, please

[jhjhsdi]

im 30 years old i have been abusing drugs since i was around 14 recently it has got out of hand
a few years ago i went to rehab because i was pissing out snot and dark red blood every 15 minutes with a bad case of KBS it cleared up after a month clean but i got kicked out the rehab for drinking and smoking weed
my poison is ketamine but i am a polydrug abuser really
recently i have gone down the route of using needles and started out IMing doses of K but now onto IV and mixing my shots with amphetamine to prevent the blackouts
theres this weird thing happening in my brain like instead of blackouts i get a nice story, for example i went to inject 200mg of k in my ex mrs bathroom got a good buzz but not enough, came back and did 500mg IV and thought i got a wicked buzz, cleaned up and went back out to talk to her and my mate as normal.
but this is not the story, my friend told me they hear a loud bang from bathroom and came in i was on the floor, capless needle in hand, friend tried to pick me up and i fell smashed my head on the sink. it was not until the next day i got told what happened.
the next day i was getting angry as couldnt get more than 500mg in a 1ml syringe without it clogging so went and got some 3ml barrels and orange heads, IV'd 1100mg right in the bicep vein, see in my head, i remember it as this, prepared the shot, went to bathroom, put in, drew back, see the blood, wham, bang, thank you mam, brain dissolves into a wicked disso buzz, bells ringing, all good. went out and sat on the balcony and had a spliff with the boys.
but what really happened was my mate found me face against the wardrobe outside his bathroom with blood pouring out my nose where i had fallen face first into it and broke my nose.
i threw all my pins away yesterday i dont want to use them again. i will just stick to snorting atm.
i have a best mate who also uses the pins with me and recently he tried to kill himself by IVing bleach mixed with amphetamine
i dont really know where this post is going
i want to kill myself but im too worried or too ashamed i cant do this to my family my mum dad or sister i couldnt imagine what they would be like at my funeral
rehab wont work
do i need to go to the mental home?
before when i used to black out on benzos or k i would know i had a blackout, nowadays its like i dont know, instead of the blackout my brain plays me a nice story. anyone else had this?
thanks to any reply. not sure if there is one, just needed to vent,
now i go to smoke.

 

[jhjhsdi]

can anyone help i get the feeling ringing in my head like ive had a car accident
i jus

 

[jhjhsdi]

didnt realise the bell ringers were possible on k, whole head feels like zzzzzzzz traumar. im so happy i havent got any more needles although my sin bin is so full im almost gona go get dirty needles well na in 3 hours boots will open and i can get clean ones, bang the dose. 2.1g iv is my maximum ever been able to do and the trip was sick its just i dont know where i go from here

 

[jhjhsdi]

literally the rush from shooting k is insane the taste in the back of your throat the menthol air you breathe out and then the whole brain dissolving body melts euphoria but in reality alll my veins are collapsing and im scared about losing limbs

 

[jhjhsdi]

anyone else been here?

 

[jhjhsdi]

jesus christ i been on bluelight for 8 years seen so many threads of fuck ups getting help but why not me am i that hard to understand???

 

[SheWasLvL18]

Hey man I just read through some of your messages and I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. I've blacked out too, but not in the way you have described. Hopefully someone else has some more information to add.

Also I'm sorry no one got to your post earlier I know it can be frustrating.

How are you doing today?

 

[jhjhsdi]

Hey man I just read through some of your messages and I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. I've blacked out too, but not in the way you have described. Hopefully someone else has some more information to add.

Also I'm sorry no one got to your post earlier I know it can be frustrating.

How are you doing today?

not bad tbh mate no pins only sniffed a bit havent slept but doing weights. it is only 7am tho

you blacked out from shooting k? or?

 

[SheWasLvL18]

No not K. I don't have much experiences with dissociatives, but with benzos I have blacked out many a times. Whenever I blacked out, I would usually wake up somewhere, really tired and disoriented then I would realize I must have blacked out.

When you black out on K are you still able to move around and do things? I'm curious about the memories your brain is creating for you. I hope someone has some similar experience.
Do you do any other drugs now?

 

[jhjhsdi]

No not K. I don't have much experiences with dissociatives, but with benzos I have blacked out many a times. Whenever I blacked out, I would usually wake up somewhere, really tired and disoriented then I would realize I must have blacked out.

When you black out on K are you still able to move around and do things? I'm curious about the memories your brain is creating for you. I hope someone has some similar experience.
Do you do any other drugs now?

yeah benzo blackouts are no fun bro, ive had a shite load of them few years back when i was addicted to them, used to eat em like sweets all loads of different sorts, got up to madddd shit 'aparantly' and some not all that good :/ they throw your inhibitions out the window worse than alcohol
i dont do benzos thesedays
i still smoke weed near enough daily and i drink alot, if its a party weekend ill do some amphetamine maybe bit of cocaine if its decent (rare)
i try to steer clear of opiates thesedays too but since i rarely touch them if theres some nice gear about (again rare) a goofball is fucking heaven or oxy and k in a line yes please
ive had blackouts on pregabs too they are weird when you do a few thousand mgs with ket mixed

and as to blacking out on k and being able to move around it wasnt until i developed a ridiculous tolerance that i was able to move about (altho if u read my post above fall down/smash your head/face alot, pretty sure my ribs fractured again too) people with no tolerance will most likely be sat in their chair after kholing

 

[SheWasLvL18]

Yeah you must have a pretty gnarly tolerance if you could do 2.1 grams.
Are you thinking about trying to stop using the ket? It sounds like it must be pretty common in you're area if you're able to use the doses you do.

 

[jhjhsdi]

Yeah you must have a pretty gnarly tolerance if you could do 2.1 grams.
Are you thinking about trying to stop using the ket? It sounds like it must be pretty common in you're area if you're able to use the doses you do.

that 2.1 IV shot was ridiculous i could feel it by the time i was a third of the way down the barrel by the time i was half way my vision was warping and the audio distortion/noise that went on well i hurried up and slammed the rest in panting hard breathing out so much cool air like someone put an airwaves menthol strip in my mouth or menthol vape pen that filled the room up surprised i got the lid on that shot and into the sin bin before lying back on the bed lol

yeah im in the uk pal ket is everywhere

ive done it since i was about 15 with a few years here and there off but cant ever see never ever doing it again, even though nearly lost my bladder before, but then i wasnt healthy and also on benzos, just have to know how to eat and sleep right and exercise enough to be able to let your body cope with it, so you dont get ill. because daily ket will easily make you ill if your not carefull

 

[jhjhsdi]

physically ill anyway. u can manage it right and steer clear of them. but mentally ill im not so sure, my brains a mess tbh

 

[SheWasLvL18]

Damn that's a gnarly story!

I'm glad you have at least figured out how to stay physically well, that's one side of the coin at least. Do you have anybody close to that you talk to about some of the negative feelings?
How is your friend doing?

 

[spacejunk]

Man, you really need to slow down, or you're going to do some permanent damage.

I'm not sure what you are looking for in this thread, but you are engaging in some extremely high risk behaviour, and i think you are worried enough about people in your life not to do so much harm to yourself.

Have you tried stopping drug use for a bit? It sounds like you need to clear your thoughts out a bit...

 

[jhjhsdi]

Do you have anybody close to that you talk to about some of the negative feelings?
How is your friend doing?

A few good mates yeah. most important thing
hes doing ok about same as me although says his arm is still burning inside from the iv bleach
today i helped him throw all his sins and unused pins away even agreed to let him do one last shot of speed but both attempts clogged the barrel being greedy and then just threw the lot didnt even do the 'last one' even after the ritual x 2 i was proud of him man
tomorrow is hopefully better

Man, you really need to slow down, or you're going to do some permanent damage.

I'm not sure what you are looking for in this thread, but you are engaging in some extremely high risk behaviour, and i think you are worried enough about people in your life not to do so much harm to yourself.

Have you tried stopping drug use for a bit? It sounds like you need to clear your thoughts out a bit...

yeh i think thats whats on the cards i stopped for a month before in rehab and my head was alot clearer, although saying that i never smoked crack until i went to rehab and neer used needles until after lol