Benzos Bad reaction with xanax + anger?

[OLD.GREGGGGG]

Xanax when i was younger worked just fine. if i over indulged however, i would punch holes in whatever was around me. ID suggest breaking them into as tiny pieces as possible and dosing until desired effect if felt. AND then stop. If youre prone to consuming all of them, perhaps find someone to hold onto them for you and DOSE you in accordance to what worked for you the previous time. Just gotta be honest with yourself and whoever is holding them
Hope it all works out for you dude.

I got barred out once downtown and ended up waking up at a different friends house, in someone elses clothing. AND i lost my phone. BUT, had purchased a new 1..all while blacked out.
I cant take xanax anymore or benzos in general as i love opiates toomuch and i dont wanna OD again. ;P

 

[Lysergic_Dreams]

You are welcome to express yourself as you see fit, no apologies needed for that.
Getting it out and putting your feelings down on paper or pixel is cathartic and helpful. You should take a look at -The-Dark-Side & -Sober-Living. Both great places to talk about the addiction side of things vs the pharmacology side.

Thank you very much for those links, i recently just posted there to get some extra feedback/help on the addiction side of things. Im starting to feel a lot better after really reasoning with my self and reading hundreds of other bluelighters stories, ofcourse my story really pales in comparison. But it's helping me catching it early. By no means do i wanna stop taking drugs outright, i hate to admit it but i do not have the willpower in me right now. The way my mind is thinking is that, theres simply too much stress in my life at this point that i already have no idea how to deal with sober, so if i stop using anything to aid the stress or calm down im just gonna fucking lose my mind. Theres nothing wrong with smoking weed in my opinion, i do it every single day and everyone knows i do, parents are fine with it and all that shit. But its just lately i've been looking for harder stuff because of my weed tolerance, not to get me high but to give the me anti anxiety effects that weed used to give me like a year ago.

I want to learn how to use benzos safer, without going on binges like i did last night and wake up with 15 out of 20 bars gone. The problem is, the morning after all i can think about is how the bars disappeared, not how i got to the state where i was popping bar after bar. I keep forgetting i take them and take more and it fucking angers me, not because im missing my drugs but because it makes me realize how little self control i have when it comes to this shit.

I also wish my doctors/psychiatrists were a little more understanding. I understand completely they are trying to keep me safe but all they want to do is put me on anti depressants but thats not the problem i want to fix now. Depression in my opinion is somewhat normal, im 19. Teenage depression is so common that i dont even think its a real disorder, its just the state that we live in where we have to go to school, do homework, go to bed etc etc. It fucking sucks. But what they dont understand is that i cant talk to people in public at all, i barely mutter a single fucking word. That has nothing to do with my depression. Im not even begging them for benzos, but all they wanna do is put me on SSRIs and i absolutely refuse because of how they treated me when i was prescribed lithium at 12 years old.

 

[Lysergic_Dreams]

Sorry psy997, i keep trying to quote you but it just removes all the text i write after it, but responding to you saying that you guys are here for me, I thank you guys very much, I find it much easier to type out my problems rather than verbally. This whole thread has made my week better and it's helping me take less xanax if that makes sense, every time i grab the bottle i think about this thread. Im gonna try my hardest to stick to a quarter of a bar before going to school because then i actually benefit heavily from it. I can't really trust myself to let other people hold on to it because i know ill weasel the xanax back into my hands somehow. I think the biggest part is my self control, i wouldnt have lost my shit that night if i didnt keep eating bars. I feel like such a shitty son because of what i did to my dad but im SO SO fucking happy i didnt hurt him. I'm very glad he understands too.

One other thing, is xanax + caffeine bad? like vomit inducing skin turning red bad? i was reading about it cuz i wanted to stay awake during class when i was on 1mg xanax , 30 minutes in my skin starts turning red and im getting hot flashes and i just immediately bolt to the bathroom and vomit, thankfully i made it to the bathroom tho. Any explanation as to why this might happen? It was a lot of caffeine, like two normal sized redbulls

 

[psy997]

I'm glad to read this thread has helped your week out, man. I would have loved to have this kind of support at 19. The thing that stuck out to me most in reading both your latest replies is the anger around not having self-control. It's not so much the bars being lost that you mind, but the lack of self-control that you feel you have in allowing yourself to do that. If I could just speak to that for one second, it is not a lack of self control that is causing you to take so many. It's the nature of the drug + your emotional state, that is it. You may have self-control issues, and if you do, that's fine, many people do at your age. And, when you're using xanax or other benzos, it's not so much a lack of self-control that causes high and repeated dosages, but a combination of the subtle nature of benzos and the relatively extreme emotional and mental states that are causing such a desire and need for relief that in that subtle benz'd state, you're forgetting you already took more and then taking more because the need for relief is so high. Does that make sense?

I say that because beating yourself up for a lack of self-control when it's more a combination of many factors, mostly the nature of the drugs that are being taken, is not going to do anything but make you use more.

Caffeine and benzos is fine.

 

[Lysergic_Dreams]

I'm glad to read this thread has helped your week out, man. I would have loved to have this kind of support at 19. The thing that stuck out to me most in reading both your latest replies is the anger around not having self-control. It's not so much the bars being lost that you mind, but the lack of self-control that you feel you have in allowing yourself to do that. If I could just speak to that for one second, it is not a lack of self control that is causing you to take so many. It's the nature of the drug + your emotional state, that is it. You may have self-control issues, and if you do, that's fine, many people do at your age. And, when you're using xanax or other benzos, it's not so much a lack of self-control that causes high and repeated dosages, but a combination of the subtle nature of benzos and the relatively extreme emotional and mental states that are causing such a desire and need for relief that in that subtle benz'd state, you're forgetting you already took more and then taking more because the need for relief is so high. Does that make sense?

That makes a lot of sense to me. When you put it that way i can understand why it happened, a lot of my anger also goes towards how much memory i lose on this shit. I know that at this state im currently in, im very prone to drug binges. Constantly forgetting how many bars i've taken really doesnt help either. I've proven it to myself and my family over the last couple months. When im on these binges, my emotional state tends to get worse which is kinda obvious, but i take it out on others. I really want xanax for its purpose, i wanna be able to do the things that this drug lets me do socially all the time. its just so fucking abusable .

I think you're very right about me beating myself up about this, its not worth my time and it just makes me more upset. I'm even having urges to go buy more. I bought these for two purposes, to have handy whenever i take LSD, and to help me get over my social anxiety. I really need to find a way to not abuse this fucking awful drug. Would a weaker benzo help? i've taken valium before a plane ride and it didnt help my anxiety so thats why i was reluctant with anything but xanax.

also like someone else said, maybe its the bars im getting. Everything about the screams pharma but i know theres always that chance. Only reason i tested with a marquis was to see what it wasnt, cuz i know you cant really test for benzos with those kinds of kits (atleast to my knowledge)

I need some fucking coping skills man.

 

[Lil'LinaptkSix]

...(my memory is so blank that im going off what other people told me)..., tried to fight my dad with a chair....
It may be 100% my fault, but i guess the point of this post is the ask if anyone has had any similar reactions with xanax? ....

Yep. Been there more than once.
If I mix xannies and alcohol it's usually jail time. I seldom do them at all now and never together.

 

[psy997]

That makes a lot of sense to me. When you put it that way i can understand why it happened, a lot of my anger also goes towards how much memory i lose on this shit. I know that at this state im currently in, im very prone to drug binges. Constantly forgetting how many bars i've taken really doesnt help either. I've proven it to myself and my family over the last couple months. When im on these binges, my emotional state tends to get worse which is kinda obvious, but i take it out on others. I really want xanax for its purpose, i wanna be able to do the things that this drug lets me do socially all the time. its just so fucking abusable .

I think you're very right about me beating myself up about this, its not worth my time and it just makes me more upset. I'm even having urges to go buy more. I bought these for two purposes, to have handy whenever i take LSD, and to help me get over my social anxiety. I really need to find a way to not abuse this fucking awful drug. Would a weaker benzo help? i've taken valium before a plane ride and it didnt help my anxiety so thats why i was reluctant with anything but xanax.

also like someone else said, maybe its the bars im getting. Everything about the screams pharma but i know theres always that chance. Only reason i tested with a marquis was to see what it wasnt, cuz i know you cant really test for benzos with those kinds of kits (atleast to my knowledge)

I need some fucking coping skills man.

Maybe it's the bars you're getting, as in they're counterfeit and too strong?

I'm not sure about if a weaker benzo would help, maybe a longer acting one like klonopin would? I'm not educated enough around the intricacies of benzos.

If you want to talk about coping skills, I'm here. It's been a long and tough road for me to find coping skills. I'm still not where I want to be, but I'm much closer, and I'm happy with where I am.

 

[g0to]

Yep. Been there more than once.
If I mix xannies and alcohol it's usually jail time. I seldom do them at all now and never together.

Yep..

I was once arrested black out drunk and off 3 bars with 17 xanax in my sock (circa early 2012). They didn't search me and kept me for the night. It was a short night as i popped 17 directly after they put me in my cell (for whatever reason they didn't search me thoroughly and I was convinced they were about to come back and search me). I was on a multi day bender of crystal and other stuff at the time though and had been popping them regularly for a while)They actually had problems waking me up in the morning, which was, in a way, comical, however if it wasn't for my tolerance at the time, I doubt I would have woke up at all. Still not sure what enticed me to take that many (protip: I didnt wanna get caught with them, yet, I had em on me in public while fucked up, like a true dumbass). The 10 mile walk home was not fun and actually took me from noonish to just before midnight but somehow, I made it. The most fucked up part is that I have full recollection of that night but no memory of the day before or after. The penalty for that was a misdemeanor drunk in public charge, which I didn't show up to court for, and which eventually along with 3 other similar charges I ended up serving a weekend in the county jail for as well as I had to volunteer for 200 hours at a local community center. Which is a stupidly miniscule punishment, but well deserved, but I guess our jails here are overfilled with thiefs and violent criminals.

The most stupid decisions I've ever made have been under the influence of alcohol + benzos. Even more sad is that at a certain point I could have sorely used them therapeutically, but that ship has sailed (for better or for worse)

 

[Lil'LinaptkSix]

.... The most stupid decisions I've ever made have been under the influence of alcohol + benzos.

I get all angry or something.
Love my friends but others are out to hurt them in some manner and I usually end up fucking them up and (more often than not) getting canned (either immediately or hours-days after). Gladly this has been quite a while back and caution anyone I know about the possible effects of mixing alcohol and xannies. Oh... and the motorcycle wrecks endured... lol. Cars, bikes, scooters, skateboards, walking and/or moving in any manner was a danger to myself and others.
Wasn't the xannies or alcohol: It was me. Definitely my most "no-ragrets" moments on these two supplements.

.... Even more sad is that at a certain point I could have sorely used them therapeutically, but that ship has sailed (for better or for worse)

Not sure I would agree. Although I stay away from alcohol mostly (maybe twice a year)... benzos are still a favorite of mine if I feel like loosing a week while getting a lot done without stress. Just can't do them for more than a week, here, as I freakin' hate the WDs from benzos, man. The freakin' worse, IMO.
XOXOXO

 

[Lobsterbutch]

That makes a lot of sense to me. When you put it that way i can understand why it happened, a lot of my anger also goes towards how much memory i lose on this shit. I know that at this state im currently in, im very prone to drug binges. Constantly forgetting how many bars i've taken really doesnt help either. I've proven it to myself and my family over the last couple months. When im on these binges, my emotional state tends to get worse which is kinda obvious, but i take it out on others. I really want xanax for its purpose, i wanna be able to do the things that this drug lets me do socially all the time. its just so fucking abusable .

I think you're very right about me beating myself up about this, its not worth my time and it just makes me more upset. I'm even having urges to go buy more. I bought these for two purposes, to have handy whenever i take LSD, and to help me get over my social anxiety. I really need to find a way to not abuse this fucking awful drug. Would a weaker benzo help? i've taken valium before a plane ride and it didnt help my anxiety so thats why i was reluctant with anything but xanax.

also like someone else said, maybe its the bars im getting. Everything about the screams pharma but i know theres always that chance. Only reason i tested with a marquis was to see what it wasnt, cuz i know you cant really test for benzos with those kinds of kits (atleast to my knowledge)

I need some fucking coping skills man.

THIS. Coping skills aren't easily gained.......actually "earned" is a better way of saying it. Coping skills is really the only viable long term solution for your anxiety, and once you get them and learn to use them when you need them, it will be a liberating experience. I'm still not there myself, but the process is also a vital part of the growing experience. Therapy will really help you here, and getting in with a psyc and being honest. You might be able to find some medication to help your anxiety "long term". But as far as benzos go, they probably wont be super stoked to give you them.

They start with anti depresants because they're low risk and not abusable. And they CAN help social anxiety, but really only long term and with talk therapy, They dont work like xanax, so short term you'd really just notice the side effects, and it'd take a month or so to start working right.

But with respect to less potent benzos, thet might work for you, but (and I'm speaking from my own experience), once I got in with recklessly taking my mail order benzos, I kinda "set" the tone for all other benzo use in my future. Any time I'd pick back up with the intention of strict dosing schedules and rules to use benzos as thereputically intended, I always, unintentionally, ended up back in a reckless high dose binges. It was kinda typical, where I'd use doses that were low, and socially they were not quite enough, so I'd adjust the dose, try again, wouldn't be enough, try again, and before I knew it, I was missing bits and pieces of days and doing weird shit I couldn't remember. It happened EVERY time I tried this. So, just a word of warning dude, to be careful with the benzo train

 

[Lil'LinaptkSix]

Dissapearing Text (Quoting)

..., i keep trying to quote you but it just removes all the text i write after it,...

I found that using the encrypted https://www.bluelight.org has this effect as the un-encrypted content cannot be used. http://bluelight.org is useful when one wants to use full editor and "effects". Edit: Just proved myself wrong as FF has the above behavior but TOR with https everywhere does not "kill" quotes and content. But no smilies or formatting options available.

 

[Lysergic_Dreams]

Maybe it's the bars you're getting, as in they're counterfeit and too strong?

I thought this for quite a bit, still kinda do. Idk if i mentioned this before cuz i was on xans writing this whole post but my dealer sending me 30 xans for free was def not an accident, he's trying really hard to get me hooked. The bars do feel strong, then again sometimes they dont. So maybe my presumption that the weren't pressed was wrong, but im still sure that its alprazolam. Now theres no way i'd post a pic of a bar and ask you guys do identify, that would be dumb. I began getting nasty withdrawal symptoms only a week into this addiction, and so i broke all the bars into quarters and i have a little taper bottle , i just take a quarter in the morning. But still, sometimes a quarter will be stronger. Maybe its mindset + Stomach contents. But anyways, after this post everything has gotten better. I still wanna do xans, i still have that craving and that anger associated with it but it's more manageable now cause after this post i was able to gain the courage to tell some certain friends and my parents who had gone through the same things when they were kids. Im so thankful that im surrounded by supportive people or else i'd probably be on the streets. And my heart goes out to everyone who is going through that right now, i wanna help people going through that shit because, even though its kinda on the lowest level i can slightly relate and possibly help.

Worst part about all of this is how much the benzos help me. That will always make me a little upset. In my opinion they seem like a credit card, very good and fun for the the time and you got money, but then your statement comes in, or your at the end of your script bottle. At that point it all comes back and kicks you in the face, i was off xans yesterday and just panicking for no fucking reason at all.

 

[Lysergic_Dreams]

They start with anti depresants because they're low risk and not abusable. And they CAN help social anxiety, but really only long term and with talk therapy, They dont work like xanax, so short term you'd really just notice the side effects, and it'd take a month or so to start working right.

But with respect to less potent benzos, thet might work for you, but (and I'm speaking from my own experience), once I got in with recklessly taking my mail order benzos, I kinda "set" the tone for all other benzo use in my future. Any time I'd pick back up with the intention of strict dosing schedules and rules to use benzos as thereputically intended, I always, unintentionally, ended up back in a reckless high dose binges. It was kinda typical, where I'd use doses that were low, and socially they were not quite enough, so I'd adjust the dose, try again, wouldn't be enough, try again, and before I knew it, I was missing bits and pieces of days and doing weird shit I couldn't remember. It happened EVERY time I tried this. So, just a word of warning dude, to be careful with the benzo train

This is my whole issue, i HATE ssris and long term things like that. I was put on so many as a kid, the worst being lithium, zoloft and prozac. I'd have to wait like months taking these pills in the morning and night and not being able to sleep right in bed cause i was having really bad side effects from them, and then when the time arose where they should've worked. they put me in a much worse state. I've been down the anti depressant road, and i really fucking hated it. I've wanted something that i can take, when i am having a panic attack or something like that. Thats exactly what a benzo is, and it works so well for that. I just need to control myself.

Sorry for kinda getting off topic for a bit, kinda switched it to addiction but i still do have anger issues on benzos, which i've heard is common. just not to the point of fighting your dad bad.

 

[Lobsterbutch]

Yeah man, I agree with you, anti depressants really fuck with me too, the sexual side effects were what got me off of them. Not getting it up at 23 was out of the question, my doctor and I did some shuffling around and got me off of them. That all being said, here is the biggest thing about benzos you need to know before you get too far down the road: You will have to stop taking Xanax at some point. Its the truth, you wont be able to take them for the rest of your life. I'd like to believe that you are going to be able to use them the way you want to, where you can be functional yet free of anxiety.......and maybe you will! You might pull it off and never have blackouts again. BUT as time goes on, it will be harder and harder to get off, and the withdrawals are going to ramp up and feel much much worse everytime you get them. Not to mention xanax being a wicked short acting benzo, so if you get physically dependent on them, you will most likely experience inter dose withdrawal symptoms. Didn't bring enough for work? feel it wear off a bit too soon? you'll have to shake it out until you get to your stash. Tolerance it going to balloon at some point, I know mine was always exponentially growing. eventually it gets to be way too expensive. Point is, you're not going to be able to rely on xanax for relief. Its a key that fits the lock of relief perfectly, but its momentary and fleeting, and if you depend on it (or grow to depend on it) you'll find other ways of working through your problems are much further out of reach than before. It takes people a really really really really long time to get off of chronic benzo use, and xanax is arguably the hardest because of its short duration and strong punch. You've said you're already feeling W/D symptoms before, which means next time the W/D will probably feel worse and it'll take less time using to get them. Seriously, xanax isn't the "fix" you need, and looking at it as if it is will make you miserable down the road (and a lot sooner than you think). Since you're buying off the street, you could be getting literally anything. In my area, any xanax bars from the street are fake. Work on long term, realistic, sustainable anxiety solutions and start now. Getting dependent on Xanax is the easiest way to make the next 1-2 years of your life incredibly shitty

 

[tanlinesfeelfine]

I've had the same thing happen with benzos. I'm usually a pretty calm, friendly person, although I can explode sometimes. Benzos make me a nasty, relentlessly mean asshole. Any little thing that messes up my equilibrium causes me to lash out at the source of the disturbance. I'd personally advise you to try working on some non substance coping skills, because Xanax is not a good long term solution at all. I wish I'd started working on coping skills when I was a lot younger, I have some now but I only learned them during the multiple prison stints I've received. Start that work now, before you've fucked up your life beyond repair.

 

[Tombs]

I'm just chiming in to confirm that there are groups of us that have this issue and it isn't just you. I also get super aggressive on benzos, especially Xanax. This is a pretty common side effect, speaking anecdotally.

I'm not sure which is worse, the memory loss or the aggression. I fucking HATE waking up and not having any idea what happened, immediate anxiety and butterflies worrying about what the hell I could have done. I can't even imagine waking up in the drunk tank and the wave of emotions that follows. 8(

This is why I only take a maximum of half a bar only if I'm having a serious panic attack, which usually only really happens like 2-3 times a year.

 

[Lobsterbutch]

Another thing slightly more on topic for this thread, my best friend......old best friend.......ex best friend.........whatever, about 3 years ago took 3.5mg of xanax one time we were hanging out. I saw him take it and I said "dude, thats almost 4mg are you crazy?" and he went on to say "oh no, they're 1mg bars, don't worry they're low dose special ones", I didn't believe him and watched him very quickly get out of hand. We would jam and he'd fall asleep on his drum set while playing just like Kieth Moon did before he died. I got fed up and left when his mom showed up. She was the "cool" mom, which ended up being "mom with absolutely no authority or ability to control anything in her house". I got a call later that night, and he was in the BSU after a stop to the ER because he went on a rampage through the house, breaking EVERYTHING, tv's, pictures, windows, phones, etc, etc, etc............and he fell asleep after covering himself in lighter fluid and tried to light himself on fire with a zippo that didn't have a flint in it.

He got violent and crazy every single time he blacked out on benzos, which was almost every single time, and it was almost always xanax. He never got physically dependent, but he got a wicked DUI. The DUI wasn't even his fault (he says) he got hit by another driver, and as the police were coming he "panicked and ate his own stash" which was enough to black him out before the cops showed up, which guaranteed him a stay in jail and a DUI. Pretty stupid move IMO, but thats how he did it.

He would blackout on xanax every concert we'd go too, he got locked out of one when he went outside to smoke, ignored the people telling him "no readmitting" and wandered aimlessly around the downtown area, luckily nothing bad happened. Anytime he blacked out in public he would dissapear and when we found him he'd be a fucking mess.

As I said, he was never physically dependent on them,but they fucked his life up really badly and each time he took them it'd get more dark and scary. He used to be decently smart too, and I'd always stick up for his intelligence, but now I agree when his mom says "dumb as a box of rocks" but it took more than just xanax to get him there, but they were a big ass shove in that direction.