TDS Is my brain forever changed? From drug use?

[Adaoud25]

So ive been using drugs since 16. Experimenting with x, psychedelics, prescription pills, marijuana, and alcohol. At 18, I became a heavy benzo and pain pill addict. I would get prescription clonazopam, buy other benzos from the street, but my main love was pain pills, weed, and pain pills. When i was introduced to heroin at 20, my life of abusing heroin alone dropped me to my knees in a year. I eventually went to rehab with intentions of just quitting heroin. And i did, when i left rehab I continued to smoke herb, drink heavily with friends, and occasionally take pills here and there.......

Long story short, i had bouts of pure recovery in the program of AA. Then i had short lasting bouts of using benzos and heroin. I am currently 29. I tried what i call "cheap thrills". These include kratom, phenibut, tianeptine, etizolam.....and other stuff i can't remember. But out of the cheap thrills, i found phenibut to be my love. The state i was living in made kratom illegal, otherwise i would have used that.

I used phenibut for 2 and 1/2 yrs daily in 3-10 grams a day(started low and increased my dose). When i didnt have it, i had the worst soul crushing depression, insomnia to the fullest, deadly anxiety attacks, and possibly close to seizures. But i figured it worked better then any ssri i tried, and i would use it like so.

Last year i went to a 4 month rehab facility in a different state. For the first time i used lope in large amounts(50 pills) a day. I didnt do it for withdrawl, but I was 2 months completely sober and balls deep depressed. While i was in this state i rarely used kratom.

Fast forward to now. The past 3 months I got into benzos again from doc and rc benzos.....i havent used benzos in 2 weeks as of now. I switch between lope and kratom. When i have kratom i used about 30 grams a day. When i dont have kratom i use 40 lope pills....

My point is, i am ALWAYS in a low mood or depressed. I have adhedonia that won't give even 2 months completely clean, cognitive and focus has dropped, and basically the will to live is gone.

The last time i tried to get completely sober, it was 3 months of abstinence. Yea the acute wd's go away, but the PAWS is always bringing me back to something. Idk if its PAWS, all i know is jshould feel amazing after 3 months of complete abstinence and i feel like a waste of human.

I think I can say this is a result of my drug use. I just want to be how i was at 23, anxiety free, hitting on woman, full of energy to where i can work 16hrs a day! Now i have no energy, self esteem dropped, no pride, no ambition, always filled with anxiety and fear! Theres alot more to my story.... But has anyone been through this?

 

[Adaoud25]

I might add. I did a lot of cold turkeys, off every drug i mentioned. That includes all opiates, gabapentin, alcohol, kratom, benzos, stimulants, phenibut, z drugs. I searched the net for all withdrawal remedies and applied all. Rivht now i switch from kratom to loperamide. I do it not cuz im physically addicted, but because it handles mental issues mostly. I refuse to be on a ssri.

Sleep is always HARD! Otc stuff always gives me restless legs bad! Trazadone, seroquil, and all alike give me rls.

Can't control my anxiety at times. Otc stuff like l-theanine and valarian root dont work.

I don't know what more to add. Im currently in suburbia at my parents, i have no car, not currently working, im a felon, and have nothing past a ged. I made my life difficult.

I'd do anything to be a productive member of society, free of drugs.

 

[Shady's Fox]

First you don't want to become a member of society, you want out of it, don't live brainwashed it doesn't have any links to drugs or something but it's linked to yourself and how you percieve your personality. Life was difficult since born, we all take pressures in life and things we don't want to but at least try to keep a pin that on the map in place and steady, no one wants to work 16hr idk why you.. okay tho. Not always but oftenly drugs can lead to depression, anxiety or sentimental trauma episodes this brought all in one with what's racing in your head.. bam, try having a routine tho putting yourself in thinking those situations it scrtaches there like a bug, and beside that at this point your emotions controls you. Escape your thoughts

 

[Adaoud25]

I think your misunderstanding. Although working 16 hrs a day is exhausting, i had the energy to do so. I do need a routine. Id like to get a job, not for the money but to be proactive. I just dont know how to escape my thoughts in a healthy manner, thats why i abused drugs. 15 months was the longest i went completely sober. I worked 60 hrs a week, lived in a recovery community, had friends, a girlfriend, and was essentially happy! I just currently cant get to a happy spot, so i use whatever lifts my mood. It beats sitting in a bedroom with negative thoughts.

 

[Shady's Fox]

No you don't have loops or anything, but find something that free your mind and try having a analysis on yourself A-Z to see how things looks like( what's steady and what's not) - and then just eliminate what disturbs you. Though isolation especially on a depression season it's essentially worse since you need someone to vent out stuffs. Your brain is changed only if you imagine to, not always people around make us happy, if you ever been alone you do know that who survives like this, are the most dangerous people, from what I see being alone if isn't something new, now you proceed by little wind steps to get used to. As I said try having a routine or something to keep your brain busy.