wish I had something positive to share

[Mafioso]

But life doesn't always work out that way.

Things were looking up and feels like they all came crashing back down right where they left off... just a moment of bliss and relief from the pain.

I want to give up hope. It's so hard to hold onto sometimes. A dark mindset seems more fitting for this world sometimes.. Ruthless and cruel in an empty and vacant world. Holding on for others only works for so long. All they want is to see me happy and it ain't happening and I don't care if it ever will. I've felt different from most people all my life, I've had my diagnoses and take them for what they're worth- there is no cure or fix for these types of things. Trauma can't be undone, lost time can not be made up for, and there is no going back and fixing broken relationships.

Things are the way they are, and I have accepted that for a while. Drugs and the underground was how I dealt with it before. The ourcasts, oddballs, weirdos, loners, losers, and the like all know what I mean. A sense of family never felt before from people with your own blood. It's not a solution or a cure, but a pleasant distraction from the pain.

People I have counted on and believed in let me down. If I trust anyone again it will be a miracle. I don't think it's a strength but I will never rely on anyone but myself again and refrain from trust like disease.

I can't be too mad, but hell is a path paved with good intentions. I want to cut and run, I want to end it, I want to jump bail, I want to go on a binge I hope I dont wake up from. But it's not that I really want these things, it's that I don't want to feel this pain or deal with these thoughts. Tears were always believed by me to be a sign of weakness and if I still thought that, my weakness is flowing.

It doesn't have to be like this, I don't have to feel this way. So much has been happening that I haven't been happy with but haven't felt comfortable objecting given my current situation, but it can't keep on this way. I wish I could repay my debts tonight and help all those that picked me up when I was down, but i can't help anyone if I am drowning myself.

My life will probably never look like what my mom or family thinks it should. I will never go to church or believe in god again. I don't think saying fuck is bad, and I don't believe in sin, heaven or hell. Life is all that we have, it's fleeting and it's frightening and disenheartening to accept it. I understand why people turn to beliefs in higher powers and I don't profess to know myself. Human knowledge will always be limited and when learning stops ignorance takes place.

I'm not sure if there is a question, but just a need to vent freely. I realize it's time to really discover myself and develop my own values and life. I don't want drugs to define me anymore, I know this, but when faced with problems that seem insurmountable drugs are an easy solution.

 

[Mafioso]

 

[Shady's Fox]

You are not a tree, you can move and grow, at one point or another with or without anyone you will get tired of this situation and get out of it. I understand you man, been there done that. Life is just a big illusion and sometimes it helps to create your own reality, though it's not okay that you realize that it's time to discover yourself now, this should have been start from childhood and been done by the age 16-17. Stop overthinking useless stuff, I know isn't that easy to silence the mind but if you can manage to distract it then you are on a path, you are not the only one that was there keep that in memory, we all been betas at one stage point - then progressed to alpha. Discover new things like.. try new music genres/drawning/writing/a pet/night walks or a journal, something to free yourself whenever you feel full. Drugs are always an easy solution to stay away from reality and it's just happiness and nothing else, an easier way to live tho while it's good that you discovered that you can support pressure in life without been high it's means that somehow you progress a bit. The world will keep turning' with or without you, no one will always be there for you, start motivating yourself, start new hobbies or try to see life in a different way then before, no one can do that but only you( travelling for e.g it's a start to discover yourself). Words have no meanings without actions nor actions without disadvantages & advantages.

 

[herbavore]

Mafioso, I'm really sad to hear that you are so down. I don't know the specifics of what happened to cause you to lose trust but it sounds like it must have been warranted. It's not unhealthy to realistically assess who you can trust and who you cannot. But beware of thinking that never trusting anyone again is a way to protect yourself but it will prove quite the opposite.

Going through the court system is one of the most insidious experiences I have seen. It is no wonder that your trust and any optimism you have been holding onto is threatened in that situation. The criminal injustice system undermines everything about you while telling you to use your own strength to never take even one misstep. It sets up failure and misery.

Your family's idea of how your life should look is just their misguided notion of how should live to be happy. But if it doesn't fit, it doesn't fit and you have no obligation to pretend it does. Any unhappiness they feel about that is their problem. If you cannot define for yourself what you believe in, what you want to put your energy into, then you are not free and you cannot be happy.

When you are feeling the most pessimistic (I've been there recently, too) it is good to recall a time when you felt positive. Then try to think about something specific that contributed to that state of mind--maybe getting out of the house, maybe having a routine, or not having one--whatever it is you can try to pick one action and force yourself to do it. At least for me, this throws a wrench into what otherwise can be an impenetrable pattern of downward spiraling in my mind.

I'm glad that you vented and I hope that you can explore your way forward. It gets so hard to believe in yourself and your own capabilities. I think sometimes just the act of writing exactly how you feel does wonders. You take care of yourself. You have helped a lot of people here gain perspective when they really needed it.

 

[Mafioso]

thanks for the responses. Just pushing through the tears today. I'd rather not get into much of the details at this moment... kind of the same story new day. Just desperate for change and feeling tapped... but it doesn't have to be like that... I appreciate the positivity, much needed... not feeling well atm but this def helps.ac

 

[herbavore]

Well all I can do is send a virtual hug so that's what I'm doing. You are a very good person, Mafioso--don't forget that.The world needs good people but it sure doesn't make it easy for them.

 

[Xorkoth]

If you're desperate for a change, why don't you make one? Maybe you can move away and start something new somewhere else? Create an adventure for yourself. It sounds like your situation right now is very toxic. 10 years ago, I made the decision to move to a place I love. It was terrifying, and it was hard at first until I got established. It didn't make my problems disappear, but it did give me a fresh start and brought a lot of positive things into my life. I was able to start new relationships with people who didn't know me from before, and in the process I became myself much more fully. In retrospect, it probably saved my life. I've never really felt at home anywhere else.

My life will probably never look like what my mom or family thinks it should. I will never go to church or believe in god again. I don't think saying fuck is bad, and I don't believe in sin, heaven or hell. Life is all that we have, it's fleeting and it's frightening and disenheartening to accept it. I understand why people turn to beliefs in higher powers and I don't profess to know myself. Human knowledge will always be limited and when learning stops ignorance takes place.

It took me my entire twenties to realize that it's perfectly fine that I won't ever be what my parents wanted me to be. It caused me a lot of stress and cognitive dissonance until I accepted that. You only need to be who you are and who you want to be. No one else, not even your parents, have the right to dictate to you who you are. Not only do they not have the right, it's actually impossible for them to do so, because you are who you are, and no amount of others wishing otherwise will change that.

Your parents probably just want what's best for you and they think they know what that is. My girlfriend's dad is the same way, he was super controlling and put a lot of trauma into her, but he really believed he was doing what was best. My own parents didn't traumatize me, but I did really struggle to become comfortable with who I am because I'm a lot different from them. I found that, once I became happy with myself, their ideas of what success entailed for me disappeared and they were just happy to see me happy... it's all they wanted, they just didn't trust I knew how to get there myself, I guess.

Moving away from my family and hometown was difficult, but it was really important for me.