lionheart90
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Mar 24, 2018
- Messages
- 249
Sorry for the long post. the main question is "is this normal for 4 months after what seems like a small dose of drugs". I'd been doing molly once every weekend (never over 250mg a night and never more than one redose 2 hours in) for like 2 months before this happened, and LSD every weekend for about 9 months. It just worries me, the learning, memory problems, and problems speaking. the rest seems like run of the mill MDMA long term comedown, the other stuff I worry is brain damage of the permanent type. especially the ability to speak fluently. I stumble on my thoughts constantly and have gaps in my moment to moment awareness, like I have holes in my brain or something! not literal holes, but inconsistencies in the flow of my mind.
I'd say overall I feel about 50% or something like that back to normal, in the sense that I don't get headaches much, my head doesnt feel full or swollen, the depression and anxiety is probably on a 2-3 on 1-20, and suicidal thoughts only come when I dont get enough sleep. I'm only doing good in terms of how bad it was at the start. in terms of how I am now vs how I used to be, I'm like 5% recovered or something. I used to get anxiety or depression like one day every 2 months. Now its all the time, everyday. And i never had problems speaking or learning except while super high on weed, now it's like 21 hours out of the day (a few hours around noon I seem OK).
I had a bad experience 4 months ago. I took about 2 tabs of acid (not tested) and about 3 hours later I took 100mg molly and 1 hour after that I did a line of coke. Looking back I know this was a bad idea but it didn't mess me up too much. The real problem came when about 2 hours into the trip I drank 2 liters of water in about 5 minutes (sounds dumb, I thought I'd just "refuel the tank" and not have to keep drinking water every 15 minutes). About 10 minutes later I had the worst headache of my life. About 30 minutes later I remember feeling like time slowed way down, this lasted for about 2 minutes. about 30 minutes after that I had figured out I needed salt water so I drank some and that took the edge off things. Other things I noticed were a bit of restlessness, a lot of panic and anxiety, and in general a horrible feeling.
I've had experiences before where I had extreme anxiety while tripping for 4-5 hours and it gave me about 1-2 months of anxiety after the trip but this was much different. After the bad experience with mdma and coke and hyponatremia I experienced extreme mental difficulties. especially with learning, talking coherently and fluently, and hand-eye coordination. I also had really really bad depression, anxiety, paranoia, and a severe itching.
it's been 4 months now and I've quit weed, mdma, coke, basically everything except for a coffee sometimes in the morning and 2-3 beers in the evening. I'm eating mostly fruits and vegetables but I don't exercise except once every few weeks.
4 months later, the problem I'm still noticing is 1. my memory is not like it used to be. It used to be crystal clear and easy to use. Now I have about a 10 second short term memory, and retrieving long term memories is very difficult if not impossible. I have to write things down all the time or I'll have another thought and lose it. I used to be able to easily recall things I'd forgotten as a new thought came up, but now if I lose a thought it's basically lost.
anxiety, I used to have anxiety from about 10 until 21. At 21 it became much less and by 24 it was basically gone. Now I have really bad anxiety and although it's not as bad as the first few months it's still stopping me from going out. Also i get worried I've done some brain damage because Its not just MDMA so I cant easily say I didnt do any brain damage. The hyponatremia thing gets me. hyponatremia is normally at 6-10 liters, but I think the cocaine might have made my brain vessels smaller so it only took 2-3 to fuck me up pretty good.
depression. I used to have depression from 10-21 too. Again, at 21 it became much less and by 24 it was basically gone. Now I've been depressed for 4 months straight, something I've never experienced before.
lack of joy and happiness. I just don't feel good anymore. Even with drugs, no euphoria or good high. I get a small something but not enough to consider it being happy. its just a "not depressed anymore" feeling. its a hellish middle ground.
Numbness to basically every emotion. I can tell through my behavior when I'm stressed or angry, or through my thoughts, but physically I'm blind as a bat when it comes to sensing my emotions. I'm terribly reactive and don't have any forewarning about my emotions.
difficulty learning. It's really difficult to learn things right now and I also have a hard time retrieving things I once learned.
lack of motivation. getting anything done beyond paying bills or going to work is incredibly difficult. especially looking for a better job, hanging out with friends, finding a new girlfriend, etc, important things I used to do fairly easily.
lack of concentration. Sometimes, especially when I don't get enough sleep, my brain just kind of zones out and spaces out. Sometimes its like I cant even move my face. my eyes will literally go blurry and I dont feel any desire to move my eyes or head. I just stare at nothing. Inside I feel peaceful, but its not like Im doing this in meditation, it happens at work and stuff. Happens when I drive, but the danger of wrecking forces me out of it. I feel like I could snap out of it most of the time but there just is no desire to so it just catches me and freezes me.
suicidal thoughts when things get too difficult. I've had suicidal thoughts before but only with massive problems like breakups or economic crisis. I've never felt suicidal when I lost my train of thought or couldn't do math easily in my head. (dont have health insurance, seeing a doctor is the first thing on my list when I can. Until then they dont bother me a lot, they are more like an annoyance. although I know its dangerous so I am cautious about it and keep a family member informed when I'm feeling down).
I just don't feel like myself. I don't think its depersonalization or derealization because I still feel like "me", it's just a newer, dumbed down, and basically mentally retarded me that I can't stand. I want the old me back which is why I've started all these good health practices and quit drugs.
I'd say overall I feel about 50% or something like that back to normal, in the sense that I don't get headaches much, my head doesnt feel full or swollen, the depression and anxiety is probably on a 2-3 on 1-20, and suicidal thoughts only come when I dont get enough sleep. I'm only doing good in terms of how bad it was at the start. in terms of how I am now vs how I used to be, I'm like 5% recovered or something. I used to get anxiety or depression like one day every 2 months. Now its all the time, everyday. And i never had problems speaking or learning except while super high on weed, now it's like 21 hours out of the day (a few hours around noon I seem OK).
I had a bad experience 4 months ago. I took about 2 tabs of acid (not tested) and about 3 hours later I took 100mg molly and 1 hour after that I did a line of coke. Looking back I know this was a bad idea but it didn't mess me up too much. The real problem came when about 2 hours into the trip I drank 2 liters of water in about 5 minutes (sounds dumb, I thought I'd just "refuel the tank" and not have to keep drinking water every 15 minutes). About 10 minutes later I had the worst headache of my life. About 30 minutes later I remember feeling like time slowed way down, this lasted for about 2 minutes. about 30 minutes after that I had figured out I needed salt water so I drank some and that took the edge off things. Other things I noticed were a bit of restlessness, a lot of panic and anxiety, and in general a horrible feeling.
I've had experiences before where I had extreme anxiety while tripping for 4-5 hours and it gave me about 1-2 months of anxiety after the trip but this was much different. After the bad experience with mdma and coke and hyponatremia I experienced extreme mental difficulties. especially with learning, talking coherently and fluently, and hand-eye coordination. I also had really really bad depression, anxiety, paranoia, and a severe itching.
it's been 4 months now and I've quit weed, mdma, coke, basically everything except for a coffee sometimes in the morning and 2-3 beers in the evening. I'm eating mostly fruits and vegetables but I don't exercise except once every few weeks.
4 months later, the problem I'm still noticing is 1. my memory is not like it used to be. It used to be crystal clear and easy to use. Now I have about a 10 second short term memory, and retrieving long term memories is very difficult if not impossible. I have to write things down all the time or I'll have another thought and lose it. I used to be able to easily recall things I'd forgotten as a new thought came up, but now if I lose a thought it's basically lost.
anxiety, I used to have anxiety from about 10 until 21. At 21 it became much less and by 24 it was basically gone. Now I have really bad anxiety and although it's not as bad as the first few months it's still stopping me from going out. Also i get worried I've done some brain damage because Its not just MDMA so I cant easily say I didnt do any brain damage. The hyponatremia thing gets me. hyponatremia is normally at 6-10 liters, but I think the cocaine might have made my brain vessels smaller so it only took 2-3 to fuck me up pretty good.
depression. I used to have depression from 10-21 too. Again, at 21 it became much less and by 24 it was basically gone. Now I've been depressed for 4 months straight, something I've never experienced before.
lack of joy and happiness. I just don't feel good anymore. Even with drugs, no euphoria or good high. I get a small something but not enough to consider it being happy. its just a "not depressed anymore" feeling. its a hellish middle ground.
Numbness to basically every emotion. I can tell through my behavior when I'm stressed or angry, or through my thoughts, but physically I'm blind as a bat when it comes to sensing my emotions. I'm terribly reactive and don't have any forewarning about my emotions.
difficulty learning. It's really difficult to learn things right now and I also have a hard time retrieving things I once learned.
lack of motivation. getting anything done beyond paying bills or going to work is incredibly difficult. especially looking for a better job, hanging out with friends, finding a new girlfriend, etc, important things I used to do fairly easily.
lack of concentration. Sometimes, especially when I don't get enough sleep, my brain just kind of zones out and spaces out. Sometimes its like I cant even move my face. my eyes will literally go blurry and I dont feel any desire to move my eyes or head. I just stare at nothing. Inside I feel peaceful, but its not like Im doing this in meditation, it happens at work and stuff. Happens when I drive, but the danger of wrecking forces me out of it. I feel like I could snap out of it most of the time but there just is no desire to so it just catches me and freezes me.
suicidal thoughts when things get too difficult. I've had suicidal thoughts before but only with massive problems like breakups or economic crisis. I've never felt suicidal when I lost my train of thought or couldn't do math easily in my head. (dont have health insurance, seeing a doctor is the first thing on my list when I can. Until then they dont bother me a lot, they are more like an annoyance. although I know its dangerous so I am cautious about it and keep a family member informed when I'm feeling down).
I just don't feel like myself. I don't think its depersonalization or derealization because I still feel like "me", it's just a newer, dumbed down, and basically mentally retarded me that I can't stand. I want the old me back which is why I've started all these good health practices and quit drugs.