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Tragic relationship ending. Need advice plz.

lucifersam666

lucifersam666

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Aug 3, 2016
Messages
365
Hey guys,

So I found out my girlfriend of ~5 years has been cheating on me. I had suspicions a few times in the passed couple months, but tonight I found out that it is for sure. She doesn't know that I know and I am not sure how i should go about this. She is currently at some dudes house.. like right now. She did not come home tonight. Last text i received was I am on my way home.
We live in the same apartment. I am definitely not trying to make it work. I am definitely not trying to have a blown out argument neither. Should I move all my stuff out within the next few days? Do I confront her about it? immediately when she gets home or wait it out? I don't know how to handle this. It is a vulnerable topic and It's heartbreaking. Please guys, any advice would be helpful.

Thanks guys,
LS
 
If it were me I'd confront her about it. Whether you want to stay and try work it out is your choice but in my opinion when trust is broken it's very hard to repair it
 
thx man. i will confront it, i just don't know how to when she has all these excuses and i know the truth 100%. I guess just call it how it is.
 
I had a similar situation happen back in early 2016. I had just stopped drinking, so my nerves were all shaky and fucked up still.

My phone broke and so I used our burner phone that lay unused in my nightstand drawer. After I loaded my sim and the phone fired up I notice all these suggestive texts. At first I thought they were mine from some ex but then I realized the number was saved under her brothers name. That's when it hit me! She was using the burner a few weeks ago when her galaxy broke.

I confronted her about the cheating and she immediately broke down and told me she had been molesting her brother from the time he was 9 to 14 and now they're having a consensual sexual relationship.... I was like that's not what I asked but OKAY.

(Fill in the blanks of me freaking out/kicking her out of my apartment)

I was never too salty about the relationship ending, I felt the end coming honestly and was getting ready to have the talk anyway. Still hurt though considering we've been friends for about 20 years and now we have zero contact, because I know her secret.

At the same time, I genuinely believe that she preyed on me at my weakest, like she did with her brother. When we started dating, I had just gotten out of prison and I would have fallen for anyone who treated me with any sort of kindness. She started sending me letters before I got out and getting inside my head, 3 days after I was out of prison she was already at my house everyday sleeping over.

Honestly, it sucked for a few months. I restocked our house with the FEW things that were hers and now missing. After about 6 months it really sunk in that I shouldn't have wasted so much time with her. I recall that in the years approaching our separation, I had moments where I thought, "NOW, this is it this is the time to end it!!!" and I lost my balls right before, or tried to reason myself into staying and did, usually because I felt like I owed her something - I felt like I owed her because she gave me a chance in a moment in my life where I felt the most worthless and unlovable. In retrospect, I should have left when I first started having these feelings of us not working out. We were together almost 6 years.

Then all 9 of us pulled out our guns.

TLDR: I should have dumped my ex years before I figured out she was fucking her brother. It was a great decision and the person I met after this relationship seems to be genuinely special. "Don't cry over spilled bitch."

*Whole post meant to be read in rhythm to music from "Trapped in the Closet."
 
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Just don't think that it was your fault, which it wasnt, sounds like you are a pretty cool dude.

You deserve better, and things have a way of working themselves out(like she wasn't the one to marry etc.)

I have faith in you that you will do what is right by ending this cool,calm and collective. =)
 
Yip, just lay down the facts and expect her to possibly attempt to gaslight you over stuff. Be firm and don't tolerate any of that.

Sorry to hear this man. What is her excuse for not coming home?

How do you know for sure, btw?
 
yeah things went comepltely opposite of how i expected/predicted. When we talked, she openly admitted to it, and I calmly replied. We had a responsible, EMOTIONAL dialogue. I didn't even embark on the route to anger. I guess there was no anger left; only sorrow and emptiness. After that conversation, I packed like half of my clothes and me and my dog split to the city i grew up in. I am currently at a good friend's house. High on heroin. not coping in the best way, but none the less, i am coping with it. like you said, she is the one who fucked up not me. and as much as i want to be with this girl more than anything, if the opportunity happened idk if i;d pursue it. things wouldnt' be the same but who knows. i am moving in two weeks to another city for a legit job offer i received last month. so at least i have some things to look forward to. but in the mean time and until then, surrounding myself with good people, good vibes and good heroin. reflecting and mourning. until next time boys.
 
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lucifersam666 said:
yeah things went comepltely opposite of how i expected/predicted. When we talked, she openly admitted to it, and I calmly replied. We had a responsible, EMOTIONAL dialogue. I didn't even embark on the route to anger. I guess there was no anger left; only sorrow and emptiness. After that conversation, I packed like half of my clothes and me and my dog split to the city i grew up in. I am currently at a good friend's house. High on heroin. not coping in the best way, but none the less, i am coping with it. like you said, she is the one who fucked up not me. and as much as i want to be with this girl more than anything, if the opportunity happened idk if i;d pursue it. things wouldnt' be the same but who knows. i am moving in two weeks to another city for a legit job offer i received last month. so at least i have some things to look forward to. but in the mean time and until then, surrounding myself with good people, good vibes and good heroin. reflecting and mourning. until next time boys.
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Such a sad and genuine post.

Well handled man, and I'm so sorry this happened to you. <3
 
yeah good luck

at the same time i dont know how often you are using but if you dwarf the pain long term with h that wont be productive

you have to face it at some point

hope the job goes well
 
Meh, i've only been using for the passed two days. maybe today, but it isn't my primary focus (obviously). I am driving back to talk to her today, and to kinda plan out how the move out will go, splitting belongings, etc. I think we might try to work things out honestly. I am still gonna move and focus on me and what not, but i think (and hope) we can see it through. but in order for that to happen we def need to separate and focus on ourselves and career choices. i'm maybe too forgiving, but i was a lousy boyfriend the last 8 months (and that is really saying the least on my flaws) but everything just seems so clear today. all the drugs i've consumed in the passed couple days played a role in some type of therapy i think believe it or not. anyways. ill probably update my status after today to release some emotion. and thanks man, i hope the job goes well too.
 
Tranced said:
Yip, just lay down the facts and expect her to possibly attempt to gaslight you over stuff. Be firm and don't tolerate any of that.

Sorry to hear this man. What is her excuse for not coming home?

How do you know for sure, btw?
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her excuse wasn't really an excuse. she was pretty straight up about it, and remorseful (kinda) just seemed like she had seen a ghost like she couldn't believe that had happend; she seemed disgusted with herself. We both have good intentions and are somewhat level headed. I know she did it because of my lack of emotional stability and involvement with the relationship. but still, no excuse. i'm just understanding, dont mistake for weakness. i am going to be firm today but when you truly love someone, you are able to put all problems aside and focus on steps to making both partys happy. its what matters most in life, in general.
 
...and i am back home at the apartment. we are talking tomorrow. she is with a few friends down the street at the neighborhood bar. we definitely need that space though and i shouldn't be so quick to want to discuss anything. shes probably having a hard time mustering up the nerves to talk to me in person after all thats happened. or maybe she just is lost and doesn't care. hmmm...but i actually just did my last line (2 parts heroin 1 part cocaine) and I am (idiotically) numbing myself for the last time during this phase (realistically not the last time forever). I just need to make it through until tomorrow. a new day shall rise with a grain of hope added to my life.
 
okay so really you were just using a sheild to get over the moving stuff out part. makes sense

it always takes time no matter what it is

any form of emotional pain comes in waves and takes time
 
Yeah so it's been two days since i've used drugs. not too worried. I drank some whiskey last night and ate like half a gram of mushrooms. It was such a positive outcome but i realize the importance of sobriety during these shitty circumstances which sucks because i like drugs. anyways, we have been talking and civil. we are in the same apartment until the 12th (when i am scheduled to get a uhaul and movers, etc.) so we have some time to talk and get proper closure before we separate. we've both been considerate during this shitty situation. if y'all only knew our relationship it was rather healthy honest and just flat out real as fuck for about 89% of our entire relationship (up until the passed 8 months or so)
i see it going two ways: 1. I hear her out and I/she/we decide(s) to break things off and we separate. or 2. i hear her out and she hears me out, and we still physically separate and take a 2-3 month to assess the relationship and if there is any room for advancement (if and only if the proper, healthy steps are taken like self improvement, forgiveness, time apart, deep thinking etc. )
either way, it's going to be tough but i do have a lot of really fucking amazing, life changing things happening with this move so I have shit to be thankful for and things to look forward to. I feel really terrible for her situation because she is rideless (just recently and temporarily), and furniture-less. So i naturally feel so bad for her situation and I'm actually trying to help her devise a plan of action to stay afloat and successful. sounds crazy but love will make you do things for others you never thought you'd really do; in fact there's so much beauty in just that. but it's not affecting me and my decisions. I have a firm foot down, but just an understanding dude. don't we really just want everyone to be happy?
 
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Good luck to you man. :)

And well done for handling it amicably.
 
I think that if you love her, you should take a defined break (so define the time frame and also if you can date or not) then try again, while she did lie she didn't bullshit you afterwards, and I think that counts for a lot. Is she done with the other dude? Is she open to being open and honest from now on? Ask her, work it out and I wish you the best.
 
EP158207 said:
I think that if you love her, you should take a defined break (so define the time frame and also if you can date or not) then try again, while she did lie she didn't bullshit you afterwards, and I think that counts for a lot. Is she done with the other dude? Is she open to being open and honest from now on? Ask her, work it out and I wish you the best.
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she works with the dude. so tonight theyre working together. closing together with 2 other people. it's just so fucked to think about at this stage.
a couple days ago she said she's done with the other dude, and last night and today we talked about wanting us to work and came to some boundaries and shit in order for us to possibly have a chance (obviously time, distance, time apart etc. for a few months at least)
but i know theyre working together, and i couldn't help it but i sent some pretty desperate texts and i got just really short responses. kinda cold. maybe because she doesn't care when she's with this guy? maybe she is trying to just not get emotional. but after what we talked about last night and today, i obviously need reassurance if i'm trippin out but i know it'll take time. i just hope she doesn't fuck this dude or get a ride home from this dude tonight. But I guess if she does, then that solidifies the break up and i become a dick. the only reason i'm being nice is because i love her and want something for our future. I guess i'll find out here in the next hour or so.. emotional rollercoaster
 
lucifersam666 said:
she works with the dude. so tonight theyre working together. closing together with 2 other people. it's just so fucked to think about at this stage.
a couple days ago she said she's done with the other dude, and last night and today we talked about wanting us to work and came to some boundaries and shit in order for us to possibly have a chance (obviously time, distance, time apart etc. for a few months at least)
but i know theyre working together, and i couldn't help it but i sent some pretty desperate texts and i got just really short responses. kinda cold. maybe because she doesn't care when she's with this guy? maybe she is trying to just not get emotional. but after what we talked about last night and today, i obviously need reassurance if i'm trippin out but i know it'll take time. i just hope she doesn't fuck this dude or get a ride home from this dude tonight. But I guess if she does, then that solidifies the break up and i become a dick. the only reason i'm being nice is because i love her and want something for our future. I guess i'll find out here in the next hour or so.. emotional rollercoaster
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Yeah, it seems like shes flip-flopping. That can mean one of two things.
1. She truely loves you, understands she had made a mistake and can see a break-up coming in the near future and is keeping you at arms length.
2. She is using one of you (either you or the other dude) as a 'plan B'. So if it doesn't work with her first choice, then she always has Plan B to fall back on. From your information I cannot tell who fits the role of Plan B.

However, whatever the case she doesn't seem to be helping matters. As I said, she needs to be open and honest with you and if you text her asking for reassurance especially this early after the emotional situation, she should be willing to oblige. Being cold in her responses to you is fucked up; unless shes in a busy environment like a hospital or something (I work in healthcare and its not easy to be more that breif when working in busy healthcare settings).

If I were you, I would accept nothing less than the other person being cut out of her life forever. No excuses. I don't care if she knew him first, or if hes her BFF or whatever-the-fuck. He needs to go, if there is a chance for it to work. Otherwise you will never be at peace.
 
EP158207 said:
Yeah, it seems like shes flip-flopping. That can mean one of two things.
1. She truely loves you, understands she had made a mistake and can see a break-up coming in the near future and is keeping you at arms length.
2. She is using one of you (either you or the other dude) as a 'plan B'. So if it doesn't work with her first choice, then she always has Plan B to fall back on. From your information I cannot tell who fits the role of Plan B.

However, whatever the case she doesn't seem to be helping matters. As I said, she needs to be open and honest with you and if you text her asking for reassurance especially this early after the emotional situation, she should be willing to oblige. Being cold in her responses to you is fucked up; unless shes in a busy environment like a hospital or something (I work in healthcare and its not easy to be more that breif when working in busy healthcare settings).

If I were you, I would accept nothing less than the other person being cut out of her life forever. No excuses. I don't care if she knew him first, or if hes her BFF or whatever-the-fuck. He needs to go, if there is a chance for it to work. Otherwise you will never be at peace.
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God damn man. On point; Preach!
Yeah I 100% have my foot down. like I said not to mistake my understanding for weakness.
And now that I am no longer acting desperate, I see what it is for what it is. She is def flip flopping back n forth, still lying and bullshitting. So, we are over. I made it clear that I don't want to make it work anymore (even though I do, it just isn't in my best interest and it's not my fault). I have to take control of my own life and I boil it down to simply She cheated, and isn't doing anything remotely noticeable to make up for it. All the close and heart to heart discussions we had recently have turned out to be just manipulation (to an extent bc I know she still loves me).
Unfortunately, love doesn't fade over night. But in the mean time she can do what ever she wants. She is an adult. And I know it's pissing her off that I am being rational and sticking to my words. I am just focusing on me and not going to let her play the victim card anymore.
Anyway, It'll be best for me. I am planning on going back to houston tomorrow to stay with my family and help them build a fence haha. Life is pretty darn good even through this phase I can see the light at the end of the tunnel..
I appreciate the support y'all!
 
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