Mental Health Identity Crisis

[Cudi]

I'm a 20 year old male currently taking an SSRI for anxiety and depression. I realized I had been abusing substances for a while to try and cope with my problems.

One thing I'm realizing, but have definitely known for some time to some degree, is that I have a very unclear sense of identity. I don't know the default way for "me" myself to act around people. Whether it be my mom, friends, brother, strangers, anyone. I get extreme discomfort and social anxiety because I'm always overthinking the things I'm saying, the ways I'm acting, etc.

I always have anxiety about going out into social settings because I am unsure about how I'm going to act and the ways in which I should act around these certain people, to draw out a certain reaction from them on how I think they expect me to act. I don't know what I want after college or what I want to be, or who I want to be. I really feel like I'm at a dead end here.

I've been taking SSRIs for a little over a month and still can' tell if it's helping. My psychiatrist switched me from Lexapro to Celexa. I've been depressed for about half my life and had some pretty stressful events happen to me when I was growing up. I began feeling depressed and having strange/intrusive thoughts starting when I was about 10.

I'm honestly anticipating the Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis any week now from my psychiatrist, which I've suspected for quite some time now with my past of self harm, impulsiveness, identity issues, and issues with establishing an intimate relationship with someone. Anyone else have nay idea as to what is going on here? I feel lost and have felt like this for years. I'm just beginning to want to pull myself out.

 

[Tombs]

I might be completely incorrect. Everything below is anecdotal but...

Relax. It's okay.

I also have a BPD diagnosis, I don't think that has as much to do with your sense of self as your age and life experience do.

I'm in my early 30s and really have just started to be able to confidently KNOW exactly who I am, where my moral compass points and how much I'm capable of.

It comes slowly but surely as you complete tasks in life that eventually come to define you. Life will test you and you'll see how you react to tough situations. You'll pick up hobbies, start and end relationships, READ more and/or acquire, ascend in and eventually lose jobs.

For now, as you come to understand the person you are, just try to be a good person. Try to be honest with people and help them, love others. Try to be confident about your decisions, or at least willing to accept their consequences. Try to remember that it only took a blink of an eye for you to be 20 years old. How many more blinks do you have left? Try to be in the moment and not project too far ahead into the future or dwell on the past too much. All of this is easier said than done.

It sounds like you also have really bad anxiety, I do too. I always over-analyze every social situation to the point where half the time I open my mouth and nothing but gibberish comes out because I'm trying to homogenize like 20 thoughts into one sentence. I don't even get embarrassed anymore.

I also edit every post like 30 times until I'm satisfied for the same reason. I get anxiety just checking replies to my posts even though I know it's ridiculous. Various cocktails of ssris + antipsychotics never worked for me and made me super fat so I stopped those and the negative side effects from benzos outweigh their benefits for me. I'm on my own, all I can do is try to shape my outlook on life, which is why I'm not going to say anything about your meds. I don't know enough about them and their effects on most people. My memory is pretty spotty from those days so I honestly don't even remember which ones did what. What I DO remember is never being able to orgasm on the meds and that 200mg of thorazine made me feel like a melted candle and made me sleep all day.

 

[Cudi]

I appreciate the wisdom Tombs, you give some solid advice. The one that stood out most to me was, "Try to be confident about your decisions, or at least willing to accept their consequences." This is so important and sometimes easy to forget. Acceptance is difficult, but something I'm trying to get better at. So far for me, I haven't experienced the inability to orgasm yet. But that's definitely one of the side effects that caught my attention and worried me. It still worries me since I'm still in the early stages of taking the medication. I'm beginning to question if it's actually worth continuing. I hear so many bad things about SSRIs. None have really happened to me yet, but I don't know if I want to wait and find out if they do.

 

[Tombs]

You have a solid head on your shoulders with a decent ability to self reflect, that's a great trait to have as an individual. It can be a prison too. It's nice to talk to people.

As far as the meds- I understand everyone is different and has different needs medically, like you said yourself - gotta wait and see. You're supposed to stick to your routine for a while to let your brain adjust to the ssri. When I was taking the meds, I recall my doctors telling me some would take 6 months or more to reach a homeostasis. I'm not sure if that's still how they do things, it's been a while.

I would say if you start experiencing seriously fucked up side effects like I did, stop taking them - or at least figure out which ones help and which ones don't/are causing the issue. I can honestly admit that part of why I don't take them anymore is because I lost patience with the process of switching medication->stabilizing->side effects. I might have found something that worked if I had stuck it out.

If they improve your quality of life then you know what to do. Keep on taking them and being patient with the results. Again, I'm not knocking them, they might actually help you.

I forgot to mention to try to exercise fairly often. It really boosts your mood and self esteem. Helps a lot with discipline too.