Addiction My Opiate Addiction soon to end

[Kellyfendiloxphine]

I'm brand new to bluelight. I have come across it on google many times and it's been helpful. Now I feel the need to express myself so I decided to join in the fun. I have been off and on opiates for a few years. My first time trying opiates was when I was 11, and I'm lucky to be alive from it. Acetaminophen, mixed with many prescribed opiates, is dangerous!... but you don't have any clue about that stuff when you're 11 and just want to 'feel good'. Years later, I never much cared which drug got me there... cocaine, crack, mushies... loved esctascy.. but opiates have become too easy to get ahold of as of late. What started out as a minor Percocet addiction has turned into a full blown opioid dependency for which even some of the strongest of opioids do not provide much relief... What makes it harder is when you go in for surgery, and the doctors aren't sure how to provide pain relief because you're so tolerant to pain meds. Most of the healthcare personal don't want to look at me because I hear this: I have never seen anyone use that many drugs. So I'm ready to put an end to it. Lots of the stories are like this, but mine is the same: I was once a great young lady lol I was good at school.. top of the class. In college was the same... although college is when I started my demise.. the teacher pulled me aside one day and said "you could be so much more if you would apply yourself. you are the top of the class, but you're never here." I did not stay top of the class and eventually dropped out. I was a good athlete.. at most sports.. won awards and competitions.. I was great in music, winning lots of awards.. I was good at writing, reading, etc. I was good at my jobs.. always getting promotions, raises, and recognition by the men in charge wherever I went. I was apparently a looker--asked to model in my younger days.. later to strip.. later to work the rub and tug... haha.. I was active within the church. I volunteered with the senior citizens. I became a mother to two lovely children and landed an amazing husband! The opioid dependency has left me with none of that now. I lay in bed day after day after day, my life revolving around the drugs.. shakes.. pukes.. sweats.. drugs.. shakes.. pukes.. sweats.. drugs.. day after day. I decided that if I continue this, the only way out is death. So I have decided to sign up for a clinic. I have quit CT in the past.. a few times, actually. It wasn't that hard if you put your mind to it. This is different... body is too dependent and tired of being sick. I tried CT.. I made it 10 days and the sick wasn't going away. It always got better after 4 days. Not this time!! And the w/d is so much more pronounced. I need help. I am very excited to go to the clinic! All of the things I thought were hard in life, I now long to have back. I am ready to face my problems instead of continuously trying to cover them up or escape them. I am excited to learn how to do this, because my growing children.. so sweet.. still tell me that I am a good mom. I want to change before they figure out what's going on and lose trust and faith in me. I want to show them how to live a healthy life and conquer it instead of hiding in the shadows. I want to show my husband the wife that I am capable of being.. that hardworking, fun loving, good looking, champion that I was talking about earlier.. not this shaking, angry, miserable, ugly, wreck of a person, laying in bed because I'm too cold and goosepimply to come out of the covers!!! I know I can do it because I am certain that there are many people here who have had it worse than me and have overcome it

Questions:
1. Can someone tell me what suboxone is like? do you become tolerant to it in the same way you become tolerant to the other opioids? Can I wean off it right away? I'm sure I can kick this habit, because I'm sooo tired of it and I don't feel like I crave it.. just feel like I want to end the sick.
2. How about methadone? Does it work? sounds to me like I'm better off to wean off what I'm on instead of switching the methadone.. but I really have no idea.. as I said.. I usually go CT but can't this time.
3. Clinic wise, I'm thinking of doing the 12-step program for 42 days. Has anyone done this? If so.. did it work? is 28 days enough? 90 days the way to go??
4. Anything else anyone wants to input, I'm much appreciative I hope to be able to help others overcome their addiction one day.

 

[LucidSDreamr]

staying on maintenance meds like subs or methoadone is a choice you have to make. If you are confident you can stay off of opiates once you detox, i would bypass maintenance meds as you will just become dependent on them.

If they make you stay away from heroin or oxy, etc. then they are worth being on for an extended period of time.

suboxone causes some pretty serious opioid dependency in an of itself. Its a pretty hard withdrawal, but it is an easier drug to taper with compared to heroin and easier to not abuse since the high isn't that good.

 

[Kellyfendiloxphine]

Thanks Lucid Dreamer. I was hoping that sub would be easier to wean off of but it sounds like the w/d is going to be the same.. in that case.. it seems pointless to switch over since my motivation/will is there. I would wean off right now if I was set up with a tapering dosage that wasn't too harsh. Then again, if you think it's easier to taper than heroin, then i'm game. Wondering if it's easier to taper than dilly... or fents.. or oxy for curiosity's sake.

I have found some info on tapering subs for the short-term. Does anyone have a thread that I can view for tapering subs long-term? Time to call it a night.. or I guess it's 7:00 am.. time to get up..

 

[KraziKat]

Thanks Lucid Dreamer. I was hoping that sub would be easier to wean off of but it sounds like the w/d is going to be the same.. in that case.. it seems pointless to switch over since my motivation/will is there. I would wean off right now if I was set up with a tapering dosage that wasn't too harsh. Then again, if you think it's easier to taper than heroin, then i'm game. Wondering if it's easier to taper than dilly... or fents.. or oxy for curiosity's sake.

I have found some info on tapering subs for the short-term. Does anyone have a thread that I can view for tapering subs long-term? Time to call it a night.. or I guess it's 7:00 am.. time to get up..

I am currently and hopefully nearing the end of a short-term suboxone taper. Feel free to read my thread. Subs works really well, and like you, I am very much afraid of a long and arduous WD from them. I have been on subs a little over 3 weeks, and I am now skipping days. I induced at 4 mg, then the next day 2, for a couple days, 1 mg for 5 days, then .5 which I have been stuck on. The stuff works, that's for sure. I don't get high at all, just keeps WD at bay. This is the longest I've ever been on them. In the past they were just a useful stopgap between oxy binges. FYI, I had, at my worst, about a 240 mg/day oxy habit (blues), to give you a relative idea of the kind of habit I am kicking.

Also, have you heard of kratom? It is a viable alternative to subs and methadone, but is addictive in it's own right. I would look into it. It may be rather useful to you in getting past the acute stages of withdrawal. It's a miracle plant for sure, and is the definitive harm reduction substance IMO. I have always traded oxy addiction to a kratom addiction, which is why I opted for a self-administered sub route this time around, which I am really hoping sticks for good.

I'm also a dad, a husband, and want and need to be there for my wife and kids, without being a moody, shaky mess in a constant state of WD. Best if luck, and keep us posted.

 

[KraziKat]

It would also be helpful to know the extent of the opiate habit you are trying to kick.

 

[Kellyfendiloxphine]

Wow thank you so much, Krazikat, for your reply! Great job for kicking the habit! I hope that you've beat it. It sounds like you are well on your way. I just popped online for a minute here, but I will definitely check out your journey when I'm next online for an extended period of time. My heart is telling me actually that methadone might be better for me.. not sure why though. I don't know much about it. But I have been told that in order to use sub, you have to go into 24 hours of withdrawal. I hope I can do it but I never have been able to do that.. I can hardly go 3 hours. I am nervous to post what I take...I am paranoid I think.. I am scared to write on here the drugs I take in case someone will come hunt me down and either steal my drugs or sell me drugs lol So maybe I will write it when I'm on the way to the clinic lol I have always had that fear... people finding out and coming to take my drugs.. I'll be glad when I don't need them anymore. I have been told that it is actually dangerous for me to quit CT because of the amount I'm on.. I've also been told that no one has ever died from opiate withdrawal, so I am not sure which one is true.. Either way, my brains feel fried lol I feel like the past couple years didn't even happen. I have hardly any memory of it.

It sounds like subs are great though.. maybe the 24 hour withdrawal would be worth it. I guess if i'm under medical supervision, they would determine whether or not the wd is dangerous. How many times have you went off oxy or other drugs? Thanks again for the input!! We can do this Gotta be there for the kiddies right?

 

[Kellyfendiloxphine]

It would also be helpful to know the extent of the opiate habit you are trying to kick.

Heading off to the clinic soon. So I take 240 mg oxycodone everyday, but I also take 90 mg hydromorph every day.. Tonight I added in a benzo because I felt stressed. I also take steroids... trying to get off the steroids..almost off, but the dependency on those is the worst I've ever seen with any drug.. heart troubles!! can't wait to get off. I don't take benzos often.. risky. But I take the oxy and dilly just to feel normal. there is no high... So the benzos give me a bit of a buzz.. but if I take them 5 days in a row, I have horrible withdrawal from those... like, I am mental.. I feel like people are watching me lol you've noticed my fried brain cells already, i'm sure!! So I make sure not to take those very often. I take dimenhydrinate and diphenhydramine and immodium and Tylenol to help with the w/d. I take silymarin to protect my liver from all these drugs going trough it. I was taking fentanyl in needles and patches... so I've come down a bit. I was also taking dilly in needles, but I quit that.

The thing I don't really like about taking the benzos is that it relaxes a bit.. but then after a while i'm like... omg what if I stop breathing... so I don't know why I combine it. I do NOT recommend it!!! Especially if you are not HOT (high opioid tolerant)

 

[KraziKat]

Hi Kelly,

Congrats on choosing a new, healthier path. What's your status? What happened at the clinic?

 

[Kellyfendiloxphine]

Thanks KraziKat. I am going to be admitted into the clinic for the full treatment, no contact, etc... So I will let you know how it goes. Won't be online for 42 days!! Good luck to you too

 

[Kellyfendiloxphine]

UPDATE: went for treatment and was put on methadone 65 mg or 6.5 mL. They changed the solution of methadone, and it?s now called methadose. I weaned my oxy until I got completely off it. They removed the dilaudid right away. I weaned off the methadone for 4 months and then switched to a buprenorphine patch. This is a life saver for me. When I got down to 5 mg (0.5mL) methadone, I went psychotic. I had hallucinations that were demonic. It was so terrifying! I also had terrible pain. Methadone is hard to come off of when I reached around 20 mg. It was recommended to me to switch to suboxone at that time, but I refused lol I couldnt stabilize on 5 mg of methadone, so they put me on the bupe patch which was great. No high feeling from it. Put the patch on and it sent a steady stream of medication through my bloodstream for 7 days. I loved waking up in the mornings not craving/needing my drug to function. It was almost weird to feel that way!! After a few weeks, I felt some minor withdrawal symptoms from the patch. I fought with the doctors. I obsessed over the patch.. it wasn?t working.. something was wrong.. yada yada.. I got frusturated with withdrawals and ripped the patch off. I slept for 7 days straight. Then I got up and started walking... walking was the key for me to feel better. I spent a lot of time outdoors. Very little screen time. I read recovery related books. I also spoke to people who were new to recovery, and I tried to boost them up. This helped me in my own recovery to see their hope and to see how far I?ve come. In treatment, I learned about traumas and how so many of us addicts have been through trauma. For me, I needed to learn how to set boundaries and how to let drama phase out of my life. I signed up for 42 days of treatment and stayed for almost 6 months lol I?m glad I stayed long. I felt it was necessary because these drugs are heavy duty. I can?t undo 5 years of using in just 28 days, and I speak for myself when I say that. I love the AA, NA and especially the CA meetings. They were awkward as hell at first yet very welcoming. I was understood by everyone in the room without uttering a word. They helped me to love myself and learn that life IS hard but substance isn?t the solution. Simply doing the work and trusting that the universe is guiding me with love and protecting me as long as I?m doing the next right thing. When I don?t... do the next right thing... my world turns upside down! I am so glad I did a medical detox in a controlled environment because I?d i was at home and suffering from withdrawals, I would want to fix it. My brain would tell me to give it what it needs. The nurses and staff would support me through it and offer other meds to help the symptoms, which made it way more comfortable. And they listened to me... if I wasn?t ready to taper, then we would stay at that dose until I said I was ready to decrease. This is comforting, because as an addict, I love to be in control lol Anyway, I just arrived at home with a clear mind and it feels great! I will update more later. Good luck to anyone who is battling with substance use and I hope you can find serenity!!!

 

[Stargazer]

Wow Kelly! Congratulations. I'm so glad you got through everything.

Im glad you're living the life you want to live.

 

[Kellyfendiloxphine]

Wow Kelly! Congratulations. I'm so glad you got through everything.

Im glad you're living the life you want to live.

Thanks for that. I did get through it buuut when I returned home, I had some old pills kicking around and relapsed sadly. If I could go back in time, I would have made sure to have all narcotics removed from my home. Sadly I?m back in the cycle again but not to the extent that I was in prior to treatment. I?m trying to get out of it but it?s much harder this time around. They warned that each relapse is harder/worse.

 

[yubacity]

Thanks for that. I did get through it buuut when I returned home, I had some old pills kicking around and relapsed sadly. If I could go back in time, I would have made sure to have all narcotics removed from my home. Sadly I?m back in the cycle again but not to the extent that I was in prior to treatment. I?m trying to get out of it but it?s much harder this time around. They warned that each relapse is harder/worse.

Kelly I know it's hard but if your not to far gone put your mind into getting through wd you can do it.Get hold of some meds that will help in wd and have everything ready and go for it.I was a heroin addict for 13 years and crank and coke before that 25 years In total.I detoxed in February first couple of days with methadone then just ct.Its hard and recovery is harder but just remember back to that feeling you had when clean and waking up normal.On bluelight I have learned from people that relapses are part of recovery and I still fuck up but only for a couple of days.You can do it but get some meds that will help not opiate based but don't get hooked on them.I to was pulled aside by my teacher at continuation school and told I can be so much more but I not listen.

 

[Kellyfendiloxphine]

Kelly I know it's hard but if your not to far gone put your mind into getting through wd you can do it.Get hold of some meds that will help in wd and have everything ready and go for it.I was a heroin addict for 13 years and crank and coke before that 25 years In total.I detoxed in February first couple of days with methadone then just ct.Its hard and recovery is harder but just remember back to that feeling you had when clean and waking up normal.On bluelight I have learned from people that relapses are part of recovery and I still fuck up but only for a couple of days.You can do it but get some meds that will help not opiate based but don't get hooked on them.I to was pulled aside by my teacher at continuation school and told I can be so much more but I not listen.

Thank you very much I appreciate the feedback! I think I will be honest with my dr and see if he?s okay with me going back on gabapentin. The hardest part about being off opioids/opiates for me is the physical pains I feel on a regular basis. I have a few painful medical conditions. In treatment, I was only off all opioid based medications for about 1.5 weeks, so I never really felt good without the opiates. I should have mentioned that upon my discharge from treatment, the facility returned my meds that I came in with. In the bottom of the bag, there were 2 hydromorphone pills that they mistakenly did not remove. I drooled over them for 2 days and considered telling the staff, but I couldn?t bring myself to get rid of them. I ate them on the way home and was already hoping for more when I arrived home. I?ve gone through withdrawal quite a few times since I?ve been home, but it doesn?t last longer than 4 days and I?m back at it. Mental cravings are brutal. It feels like when I quit smoking.. every 20 minutes an intense craving, and I give in.

Any suggestions on which meds will help cravings that aren?t opioid based?

 

[yubacity]

Thank you very much I appreciate the feedback! I think I will be honest with my dr and see if he?s okay with me going back on gabapentin. The hardest part about being off opioids/opiates for me is the physical pains I feel on a regular basis. I have a few painful medical conditions. In treatment, I was only off all opioid based medications for about 1.5 weeks, so I never really felt good without the opiates. I should have mentioned that upon my discharge from treatment, the facility returned my meds that I came in with. In the bottom of the bag, there were 2 hydromorphone pills that they mistakenly did not remove. I drooled over them for 2 days and considered telling the staff, but I couldn?t bring myself to get rid of them. I ate them on the way home and was already hoping for more when I arrived home. I?ve gone through withdrawal quite a few times since I?ve been home, but it doesn?t last longer than 4 days and I?m back at it. Mental cravings are brutal. It feels like when I quit smoking.. every 20 minutes an intense craving, and I give in.

Any suggestions on which meds will help cravings that aren?t opioid based?

Gabapentin I us3d lyrica on day 10 and my back and legs got better and I slept like a baby.Could Gabapentin work like lyrica for opiate wd.I helped a long time poppy pod addict quit with lyrica he sailed through withdrawl.But be careful I swapped heroin addiction for lyrica addiction which I'm over now.Dont think any opiate addict can resist taking pills if they find any.If you can try getting lyrica but 9nly use it for the worse of wd that helped me and my friend I helped wd.Other users might know if Gabapentin could do the same.I know it's hard I never lasted to day 2 of wd before I detoxed it was brutal but can be done.I could put up with the physical pain the puking diarrea but the lack of sleep and anxiety was the killer for me lyrica sorted that out.When you detox make sure you got no opiates at home because that will mentally fuck with your head you will take them.The cravings do get better at first they there all the time but get weaker.The brain triesto find ways to get you to use.I only smoked heroin or ingested Indian raw opium and poppy pods.Last week I craved the needle thinking I never got the best buzz from brown.But it does get better and I used to laugh when people said detox the easy part recovery the worse but it's true.Im at the point now where I have 30mg codeine tablets and ground poppy pods under bed but I never use them but I can't throw them away.Keep us updated Kelly and give it your best shot I know wd are hard and it's not just a really bad flu it physically and mentally exhausting but can be done

 

[cj]

Imo Lyrica is superior to gabapentin in every way possible. I would push for that if you can. It's also great for withdrawal.

I haven't found a non opiate drug that reduces cravings. Time is very much the best medicine. If you keep relapsing over and over you would be doing yourself a favor by getting back on maintenance. The shitty truth about maintenance is all the studies show that you should be on it forever. The mortality rate shoots up when people come off of maintenance just like it does when people go to rehab or jail. With opiates abstinence is a predictor of death because it lowers or eliminates your tolerance causing you to overdose when you relapse.

I'm not saying quitting is impossible. People do it. Just that you should be aware the cycle of quitting and relapsing is very dangerous. No shame in getting on maintenance. I started on Suboxone switched to methadone and now I'm back on Suboxone over the last 9 years. I honestly think I would be dead if I hadn't been on those drugs.

 

[Kellyfendiloxphine]

.I helped a long time poppy pod addict quit with lyrica he sailed through withdrawl.But be careful I swapped heroin addiction for lyrica addiction which I'm over now.Dont think any opiate addict can resist taking pills if they find any.

Thanks. I have never tried Lyrica. I?ll see if I can get my hands on some. And I feel that I would like to take any pill if it helps me through withdrawals. I think I was addicted to gabapentin as well. I feel like I need something.. but I?d like to not feel that way.

When I got home, I had all kinds of opiates, benzos, hypnotics, muscle relaxers, etc.. they are all gone now lol now I?ve got an order of H on the way and I salivate when I think of it but I also cringe at the thought of OD. But I know how powerless I am and that when it arrives, there is nothing that will stop me from using it all. I used to be able to keep narcotics around the house but not anymore. The mental withdrawal stuff drives me to places I never thought I?d go to.

Thank you for your support! Feels good to talk about it!

 

[Kellyfendiloxphine]

I haven't found a non opiate drug that reduces cravings. Time is very much the best medicine. If you keep relapsing over and over you would be doing yourself a favor by getting back on maintenance. The shitty truth about maintenance is all the studies show that you should be on it forever. The mortality rate shoots up when people come off of maintenance just like it does when people go to rehab or jail. With opiates abstinence is a predictor of death because it lowers or eliminates your tolerance causing you to overdose when you relapse.

I'm not saying quitting is impossible. People do it. Just that you should be aware the cycle of quitting and relapsing is very dangerous. No shame in getting on maintenance. I started on Suboxone switched to methadone and now I'm back on Suboxone over the last 9 years. I honestly think I would be dead if I hadn't been on those drugs.

Thank you. I?ve been thinking about this so much. I regret going off the maintenance drugs because I was living like a rockstar when I was on methadone. I had to dose twice a day though, which would be a pain at home, driving to the pharmacy twice every day. But I didn?t have cravings and I didn?t have pain and I was very active and happy, and I also wasn?t sedated or high. When I went off methadone, I knew I would relapse. I craved it bad. And now I?m buying H... something I thought I?d never do. I liked scripts because I knew what I was getting. Now I?m taking risks, so I agree about the harm reduction. It definitely has a place.

I have an issue with pride. When I went to rehab, I could easily blame the drs for my situation, because they allowed me to become dependent on pain meds instead of giving me the surgery I needed. I didn?t seek the drugs at that time. They were given to me. Now it?s all on me, and I?m afraid to let that out in the open because I know that people shame and judge addicts. So I?m white knuckling it when in reality, a medical detox might save my life. ?

Thanks for the support! It means so much to me!!

 

[yubacity]

Thanks. I have never tried Lyrica. I?ll see if I can get my hands on some. And I feel that I would like to take any pill if it helps me through withdrawals. I think I was addicted to gabapentin as well. I feel like I need something.. but I?d like to not feel that way.

When I got home, I had all kinds of opiates, benzos, hypnotics, muscle relaxers, etc.. they are all gone now lol now I?ve got an order of H on the way and I salivate when I think of it but I also cringe at the thought of OD. But I know how powerless I am and that when it arrives, there is nothing that will stop me from using it all. I used to be able to keep narcotics around the house but not anymore. The mental withdrawal stuff drives me to places I never thought I?d go to.

Thank you for your support! Feels good to talk about it!

Kelly I think what cj told you might be good for you you could be better off on maintenance then not controlling your use when relapsing and end up overdosing.I was talking to a addict yesterday not seen him for months he now using subs says its letting him stabilise with life get back to normality then hopes to come of when life in. bit more order.We only get one chance at life my friend and no matter how shitty life can seem its still worth every shot we can give it.

 

[DrewDogBaby209]

Thank you. I?ve been thinking about this so much. I regret going off the maintenance drugs because I was living like a rockstar when I was on methadone. I had to dose twice a day though, which would be a pain at home, driving to the pharmacy twice every day. But I didn?t have cravings and I didn?t have pain and I was very active and happy, and I also wasn?t sedated or high. When I went off methadone, I knew I would relapse. I craved it bad. And now I?m buying H... something I thought I?d never do. I liked scripts because I knew what I was getting. Now I?m taking risks, so I agree about the harm reduction. It definitely has a place.

I have an issue with pride. When I went to rehab, I could easily blame the drs for my situation, because they allowed me to become dependent on pain meds instead of giving me the surgery I needed. I didn?t seek the drugs at that time. They were given to me. Now it?s all on me, and I?m afraid to let that out in the open because I know that people shame and judge addicts. So I?m white knuckling it when in reality, a medical detox might save my life. ��

Thanks for the support! It means so much to me!!

I don't know you at all but I've been where your going... For the love of God and yourself get back on maintenance meds. Be a rockstar again. Use methadone to get your life and pain under control. Fuck heroin. Fuck pride. And fuck what any judgmental fuck-face thinks. Save yourself please... YOU ARE WORTH IT! You can do it. If you wait too long you're gonna wish you got back on methadone sooner. Methadone has saved my life to. God be with you!