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craving danger

OLD.GREGGGGG

OLD.GREGGGGG

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 4, 2012
Messages
194
Hello, so long story short. Ive used drugs on and off since i was 16/17yrs old. Im 29 now. This feb was my first documents opiate overdose, though i suspect ive overdosed on benzos and alcohol before but thats a different story. Since the 25th of February i have been clean, minus 2 uses, spread out by days/weeks. I was always safe in procuring my drugs and safe about my use in general( as safe as u can be with heroin/whatever the fuck else im doing). But, lately ive been more and more curious about venturing to more and more dangerous places. I grew up in a small almost entirely white neighborhood( no, im not racist). But since the OD i moved to South jersey ( from Upstate NY). Now that im here, im 45 minutes from Kensington philly and even closer to Camden And Salem NJ. Ive ventured to all 3 locations and i havent searched for drugs( not that i wasnt offered) and on the 1 occasion in Philly i accepted. But, Has anyone else felt this way? nearly died and wanted to put yourself back in jeopardy? Tonight i get paid for doing farm work, and ive already lined up the bus route and times to get into philly and back( if i want to). just lookin for insight/advice. Just seems like life is a game and i want harder levels, lol.
 
Its addiction. I've OD'd and shouldn't have lived and when I came out I was back at it again. It creeps up on you slowly and in strange ways.
 
Maybe you could address the willingness (and need?) for some adrenaline in your life in a better way. I think a lot of people need more stimulation than many get in the routines of adult life. What about getting training for Search and Rescue missions (just read a story about a guy that does that so it's on my mind. They are all volunteers and talk about adrenaline!)

But here's another thing to think about. Lots of people will go to incredible lengths to avoid emotionally charged potentially dangerous places in their own minds. These same people will put themselves in harm's way physically to a degree many of us would never be comfortable doing. Sometimes the best question to ask yourself is "what am I really scared of?" and then make it your life mission to follow that thread wherever it takes you. (It's usually not snakes or spiders or even dying...rather it is facing the judgments we have heaped on ourselves so long we can't even imagine ourselves any other way.)
 
yea, self worth is something ive always had an issue with. But it seems like its kinda hereditary. Hope to be in counseling soon. As for the adrenaline..i really do not know. Ive felt so lethargic and uninterested in most things it seems so far outta reach.
 
The lethargy is probably from both the depression and the drinking. I don't doubt that the low self esteem is "hereditary" if by that you mean your family suffered from it and passed that way of looking at yourself down to you. But you can break old family patterns. I hope the counseling helps. Just remember that it took a lot of years to get where you are--so be patient with yourself. Taking small steps is the way out.<3
 
It sure did take some time to get here.But some days im positive then others i down right hate life. My mother is bipolar..i think i might have a touch of that, lol. So sorry if i offend anyone or see like a dick. About to get some Noreaster weather and im not lookin forward to the cold, but, i dont mind shoveling and whatnot. So hopefully ill be busy helping my father at this apartment complex and at the Horse farm. Im hopin its nice enough out by Friday morning to go out and do something to interact with people my age. Its been almost 3 weeks since ive been around anyone my age. And im starting to get a lil crazy. Thanks for replying :)
 
Have you ever been checked by a psychologist or psychiatrist for bipolar? If you are suffering from that it would be good to at least explore options for treatment. Who knows? Maybe having some help with the depression would tip the scales more positively towards recovery.
 
One of my best friends is an adrenaline junkie, he's a big climber, and he has skydived like 500 times, and base jumped about 100 times. For years he was obsessively base jumping, sky diving stopped being enough for him, and he was doing really high climbs without any ropes or anything. I was always worrying about him. But the thing is, he was not satisfied with his life and he told me later that, although he did really enjoy the rush of base jumping in particular, he realizes now that he was sort of inviting death without fully going there, because he felt really fatalistic about life and half of him wanted to die. Since then he's become really happy with his life, everything came together for him, and he says he'll never base jump again, and thinking back to his mindset then makes him feel kind of sick. Putting himself into life-threatening situations was a drug to him, in fact it was his drug of choice.
 
I havent been checked for it was i was diagnosed after like 2-3 visits with a DR during a psych unit visit as "borderline personality disorder". Which from the definition seems to fit..but im no expert. I was on a few ssri when i was younger and ended up giving up and stopped taking them. For a while i didnt notice as many issues but since talkin to friends and people i know they say otherwise. I know for sure i have anger and self image issues. Oooh, if i could convince myself to make high jumps like that im sure id love it. Im not afraid of heights but the free falling scares the shit outta me, lol. I treesat in California and lived for 30 days off the ground in a redwood roughly 120ft off the ground. And while there, removed from society i never once felt like i wanted to die, or depressed etc. Im already passed the longest ive even gone without doing dope or opiates. So i know im on the right path, or part of the right path. There are lots of winds and bends to get thru still. Like gettin myself into counseling/therapy what have you. And i know for certain i need to make friends. Being down here in NJ has removed everyone i know from my life..partially for the better as most the people i knew/know either do drugs, smoke weed or drink heavily. None of which really helps an already Wonky ass brain. When i was using heavily back home i was down to about 130lbs.Since coming down to NJ im up to 148.5 lbs. Feeling underweight for years made me self conscious and i can kinda feel like slippin away a little.
 
OLD.GREGGGGG said:
Im not afraid of heights but the free falling scares the shit outta me, lol. I treesat in California and lived for 30 days off the ground in a redwood roughly 120ft off the ground. And while there, removed from society i never once felt like i wanted to die, or depressed etc.
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I do believe that nature heals at a deeper level than anything else. That's impressive that you lived up there for a month! Was that during the Julia Butterfly era?
“ when you see someone in a tree trying to protect it , you know that every level of our society have failed , the consumers have failed , the companies have failed , the government has failed . ” Julia Butterfly Hill
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It was after her. It was 7 years ago that i tree sat. I did it 3x. once for a month, then 2 weeks the other 2 times. It was in the Mckay tract outside Arcata, in the small town called Cutten CA. If i can find a link i can share a video that documentary group recorded from in my bed. Im not in the video, besides my kneecap and my clothing lol. But it shows ya what its like a little bit. It felt like being on a boat. The trees sway in the wind and my bed was made like a dreamcatcher. I so wish i could go back..
And you are right about nature healing. While i was there i didnt feel anxiety or depressed one bit. Even when i ran out of food and had to drink rain water and eat old ass gnarly vegies. It was still enjoyable. I cant say the same for the people on my Greyhound ride home..no shower for a month made me smell quite ripe. ;)
 
You are one of very few people that has had that experience--and just like a life-altering trip I think you could mine that experience for the rest of your life and still get something out of it. For instance, when you were there and felt no anxiety or depression, you can ask yourself what made it possible for you to experience yourself in a different way. What thoughts support anxiety and depression and what situations hold those thoughts in place? Figuring out what negative messages you have internalized about yourself is the key to transforming harsh judgments into useful knowledge.
 
While i was there i didnt think about money(lack of) or friends bailing on me. I also didnt see myself in a mirror or have access to social media. I was part of something bigger that meant more to me than a shitty job or daily tasks. Knowing that simply being there was saving a living thing thats older than any living person gave me a purpose i believed in. Each time i went i fell in love with the forest over and over. Being so small and standing next to Second growth Red woods and Douglas firs somehow makes me feel at peace with the world and my own being, for lack of better description. Being so far from anything detrimental was also a huge boost to self moral. When i can find drugs i will. When i cant and dont have money, i dont think about them. lol. Kinda sad but true..Money is a downfall for me. Sometimes i have to have someone hold my paycheck or, at least part of it. Having people in other trees that when they wake up Scream like tarzan also sorta fulfilled a lifelong dream of being in a jungle, Even tho its not 1. Climbing the tree and getting Red hairs stuck to you that lasts for days unless you use a lint roller makes ya feel like part of the forest as well. Feeling entwined in something natural is a form of bliss. Ive never had that kinda feeling with relationships or religion.
 
OLD.GREGGGGG said:
While i was there i didnt think about money(lack of) or friends bailing on me. I also didnt see myself in a mirror or have access to social media. I was part of something bigger that meant more to me than a shitty job or daily tasks. Knowing that simply being there was saving a living thing thats older than any living person gave me a purpose i believed in. Each time i went i fell in love with the forest over and over. Being so small and standing next to Second growth Red woods and Douglas firs somehow makes me feel at peace with the world and my own being, for lack of better description.
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Maybe you need to get involved in that again. It's really important to feel fulfilled and that your life has meaning... I think a lot of people addicted to drugs are using them to fill the void from that feeling missing. It was definitely one of the reasons I was addicted to opiates.
 
I remember early on (im late 30s now but in my early 20s) even though I was one of the first on suboxone when it came out. I would hang out on "LK" corner (despite stereo types...the latin kings were some of the funniest cats youd ever meet if you could understand their accent) , "watch" girls and got a percentage and hung around strippers almost everynight after they were done working. So even though I considered myself sober I was addicted to the fast lifestyle. It sounds fun but I paid a huge cost for doing it...i can relate to that becuz a drug life is a fast life and it can take a while to adjust but perhaps going out to nature help....i wish you all the best!!!
 
yea, there sure is something about that life. I can remember my first trip into the hood to cop, and i felt like i had to shit/vomit the same time. now its like a comfort zone, its fucked. But, i do still thoroughly enjoy being in the wild. Its kinda weird where i am in jersey tho..its all fucking farms and flat as a pancake. Id really like to go back to the "old"me. Its something ive certainly gotta work on. Maybe there are some nature groups or something close by i can look into. I havent done that yet, as i have no transportation of my own and i rely on the Bus. But the buses down here seem to make rather long trips. ITs only $8 to go to Philly. I wish i freakin new people in this area. I havent been around anyone my age in almost a month.
 
OLD.GREGGGGG said:
yea, there sure is something about that life. I can remember my first trip into the hood to cop, and i felt like i had to shit/vomit the same time. now its like a comfort zone, its fucked. But, i do still thoroughly enjoy being in the wild. Its kinda weird where i am in jersey tho..its all fucking farms and flat as a pancake. Id really like to go back to the "old"me. Its something ive certainly gotta work on. Maybe there are some nature groups or something close by i can look into. I havent done that yet, as i have no transportation of my own and i rely on the Bus. But the buses down here seem to make rather long trips. ITs only $8 to go to Philly. I wish i freakin new people in this area. I havent been around anyone my age in almost a month.
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I feel you about the comfort zone thing. I like being in the city because you can just blend in. You can be sitting in your car in a crowded parking lot drinking booze or shooting heroin and no one would even notice you sitting there. I find some comfort in being in the city sometimes. My car broke down in August of last year so I have also been riding the bus. It sucks pretty bad. I used to ride the bus to go cop. It took about 5 hours. It would be literally 90 degrees outside and I would be on foot in the worst neighborhoods in Charlotte but I didn't care as long as I scored. Like you, I don't know anybody around here. Nobody really knows anybody in my area. I don't know any of my neighbors.
 
Today is 1 month since the last time i fucked up. and 1 month since overdosing. 1 small step for myself in a long journey to a better me.
 
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